Going through immense insecurity | Should I go on a Buddhist Meditation retreat?

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Hey y'all, this is going to be a long one, so prepare yourself.

For a while now, I've been going through episodes of immense insecurities, and this has affected me in tangible ways.

I'm deeply frustrated that my college experience is not moving as smoothly as I had originally planned it to go. The credit hours from the previous institution in which I transferred from didn't properly transfer, and I'm forced to retake classes in which I already took. 

I'm very mad at this, because I was expecting to have the academic year in which I just completed, and one more year. But I just spoke with an academic advisor, who said it's going to take much longer.

Also, the University I attend is not as prestigious and exclusive as I would like it to be. I've always been a very bright and quick learning person, but a chronic procrastinator. I really do sincerely believe that my chronic procrastination is the number one thing keeping my from graduation on time and summa cum-laude. My habitual gaming, phone usage, and web surfing is destroying my life. 

I bring this up, because I get the feeling that I'm a loser, failure, and that I don't deserve happiness.  

My mom approached me and said that she was tired of my emotional ups and downs, and demanded that I see a therapist.

Then she introduced me to something interesting. One of her colleagues at work is a devout Buddhist who goes to the temple every week. We're both desperate in my family to get my mental health problems resolved, and I am too as this mental health spiral and chronic procrastination is making me deeply unhappy. This Buddhist colleague has offered that I go with her to a Buddhist temple and do meditations with them.

I'm asking the forum this, because this is not the first time I've been severely disappointed with Buddhists. I remember I tried attending a Zen meditation center, and I was so disappointed at how weak-sauce the practices were. But according to the website of this particular temple, they seem more serious.

https://uszen.org/

Also, I'm asking this because I don't want my mind to be filled with Buddhist dogma and ideology, and to become a religious SDi BLUE convert.  

 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

The bulk of my insecurities is mainly that I don't attend a fancy enough school that's higher ranked and exclusive with fancy buildings.

Edited July 27 by Husseinisdoingfine

[Nemra]

You can always lock yourself up in a room without your phone.

[integration journey]

Vipassana mediation retreats are amazing. They are free and available all over the US and most part of the world. 

[aurum]

2 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

Also, I'm asking this because I don't want my mind to be filled with Buddhist dogma and ideology, and to become a religious SDi BLUE convert.  

Yes but the reality is that you have to try something to better your situation. This sounds like something that could be worth a shot.

Your mind is already filled with all kinds of dogma and ideology.

[Raze]

Don’t do chanting or noting

Focus on metta 

[Carl-Richard]

I think you should consider doing it. This is a really good oppurtunity for you. Don't worry about "filling your mind with dogma". You're already doing that with university (and everything else). You'll run into dogma anywhere you go.

Edited July 28 by Carl-Richard

[Husseinisdoingfine]

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

 You're already doing that with university (and everything else). 

Ain't that the truth.

[thenondualtankie]

Fucking do it. Do a full on retreat, the worst that can happen is that you lose a few days of your life.

When an opportunity comes right in front of you like that, it's your sign to do it.

From my experience, if you're not decisive about something like this, you'll end up not doing anything about it lol.

Quote

The bulk of my insecurities is mainly that I don't attend a fancy enough school that's higher ranked and exclusive with fancy buildings.

How did this start?

[Ramanujan]

@Husseinisdoingfine do kriya yoga instead. learn to do kriya yoga

[Husseinisdoingfine]

On 7/28/2024 at 0:40 PM, thenondualtankie said:

How did this start?

It started when I downloaded Instagram. The memories are too painful now, as they have a traumatizing effect on me, but I remember seeing everyone else having fun partying at their prestigious Universities. I felt so left out.

Now I compulsively compare University rankings and prestige, and I feel so insecure about an issue that I used to not care about at all. 

[Mehwishqurayshi]

@Husseinisdoingfine first figure out , what is at the core of this insecurity. Other practices wont work if you avoid inner work.