🌄☀️

[Sabth]

 

There had been many time when x in my country had been caught red handed. I think my intuition can be trusted. Like sometimes you just feel disgusted with something without knowing why. And it turns out it wasn't good. Idk. I think I will avoid something that I don't feel good with. 

 

Idk.. 

Edited October 15 by Sabth

[Sabth]

Well, 

Idk. I got a weird dream. Or maybe , weird is just something I would say to something I can't explain. 

In this dream, I saw a girl in an industry. She was treated badly by an older male acquaintance. Or a male that works in her industry too. He was mighty, or wanna feel superior. He treated female badly. And constantly wanna exert "power". Making himself seems "powerful" . Or he would do things that will make him "higher" or in a higher position. And I saw her with this girl topless and he throws curses /vulgar languages to her. Dissing Her body. And then later , a lot of girls did something to her to clear the energies away. Like literally, even to her shadow. Like the place that he was assaulted , she was in another place standing, and the spot she stands earlier , these girls are pouring water like bottles of water on that . And I guess she was fine? Idk. And I saw these people pouring water on it. 

And then, I talk to this kid. Or this boy, who appeared to be this girl's younger brother. Later, he was selling his sister. I scold him. I said I don't sell my younger brother. ~ so idk. 

Idk what this dream was about. Idk~~

And then , even way before this , we're about to see something, and I wear.. like double socks. Idk what's wrong with it or me. But it wasn't good. It keeps falling out . We're about to went somewhere. And there was a time when I told someone to reserve the seat for me. Then I walk quickly. To the bathroom. It might steal a show. I don't know. Idk where I am or what I'm doing exactly. Before that, I was on the other side. Then I went out through the other side. Going through people. And went outside. Went to the bathroom. And went even more outside. And idk. But it seems like the end of the road. And I tried to go back inside. But this time , it was all male. And I wasn't allowed inside. They wouldn't allowed me. At first, they tried to help me. But upon realizing that I'm a female they do not allowed me to enter it was an all male area. But I only had one goal and that is to went inside and go to the other side. Yk. I've been walking for a while. And so I disregarded them and just went inside. I climbed a fourth floor or the fifth floor. I don't know. Idk what I'm doing exactly but I just wanna reach my destination.. but I went through these obstacles, like a man tryin to stop me and idk what happened next. Guess it was that kid. 

Of course , I am not allowed to enter a male only area. But I'm only, 

passing by I guess? (Idk) I do wanna have like the most thoroughful turn. To me those guys are just someone who would stop me. They aren't the destination or have any importance. It's like a cell. A male cell. So they don't allow me in. But I wanna go through not staying there it just happen to be on my way. Idk. I wanna go to the first place I started. 

And I guess even before this , I was playing the bicycle outside with my brother (and his wife? Idk) but there is more than me like three people. I think. And there are three types of bicycle . In reality, here, I have only played it once with the fam on the road. Nothing more. And in this dream , I seems to have trouble riding it. Idk. I was never bad at riding a bicycle. The other time when I do ride a 🚲 is during my childhood. My father teach me like in the neighbourhood. Like only me and my father. I can't remember if my brother was there too. And I never had problems riding a bike. 

So these dreams , makes me feel uncomfortable. As it is something that I never felt. And I was never harassed by a guy before. Or me , going against them. Like not giving a f. Idk. Apart from my father who harassed me , I was never treated badly by any guy. 

🌷

Even more so I should have made the police report as earlier as possible. You know like before things gets worser. Idk. Maybe cuz there is no action. And I shouldn't have talked to my brother. Or change any energy. The same way that I would talk to my mom or sibs. It should be NO ONE. Especially those who are related. In other words , everyone in the house. Should have done it earlier. Yk, they might be in a lower level than me. Like my younger bro. He might be troublesome. Like his standards are low and he was repressed a lot (by my mom) growing up . Like she wouldn't allow him many things while I got pretty much everything I wanted for being a daughter. Idk I think it makes him what he is now . Idk. I don't like it. Like he would buy a second hand things for himself and for others. But I wouldn't. I would never. I would never buy someone's second hands. But he would. And told me to. And he always act as if he knows more than me. When he didn't. And my mom would submit to this guy. Just so because he's a guy. But he ain't wiser than me. Idk about (being) better (than me) but I as someone older I know or understand things better. No matter how. I guess. Idk. I don't wanna mention or have anything to do with him anymore. Like he ain't know better than me , back then. Like when we're about to buy a new computer my mom would ask me to ask his opinion. When I can ask many others who are more of an expert in it. Like people who are actually doing the things that I do. And he would buy my younger brother a second hand camera. (?) Like I would never allowed that for my bro. But well, maybe I lost. Well I can't stop them. So, my bro did buy it. 

.

He isn't good. I would be f'ed up. Using his brand, I lost my footage. I should followed my eldest sister. Because when I followed my second sister it doesn't last long. But hers are more expensive and I didn't know better. Of course if something is more expensive it would be better. And my mom didn't spent on me that much? Idk. But I opt for a not too expensive thing back then. And it didn't last forever. It got the same problem as my second sister.  Idk. And eventually stopped working. Intuition is the best guide. I guess. At times like this I won't be wrong. 

I can be influenced so I make stupid decision too. Especially when I'm weak. 

🕊️

You know, when someone forced you to wear white when you would never wear white. Little things that I hate. Or maybe it was for good. Idk. Maybe not. 

Edited October 19 by Sabth
If I were to have no filter.

[Sabth]

Do you think in the end people only think about x ? 

[Sabth]

I can't even do things that are not against my religion. 

[Sabth]

.

Edited October 19 by Sabth

[Sabth]

3:28AM 

Edited October 19 by Sabth

[Sabth]

I dream about making a big deal out of where I'm currently at. Maybe moving out is not the best option/decision. (I hv always wanted to move back into my original room though it is no longer ideal) But wasn't allowed to. I am in a strange situation. If I have a lot of money I wanna renovate my room. (My original room) Idk. It was bad. But really bad. My situation that I've chosen myself now. 

[Sabth]

I thought I could forget (about it). But no. It wasn't better.. 

Edited October 20 by Sabth

[Sabth]

Well, my timing was wrong. 

[Sabth]

There was , a monkey who can't take no for an answer. It was so scary. Idk why I got all these dreams.  And something saddening is happening in my dream. Like the last moment when my step grandma was about to die. In real life, I didn't witness it. So she was never dead. In this dream, I saw her last moments. There was a camera , attached to monitor her. By a neighbour. It's 24/7. And she told me & my mom, that my grandma is gone. This is so sad. For real, usually she was always alive in my dream. I never seen her death. And this monkey was weird too. As if it was entitled to me. It has to be put to sleep. Anesthesia. Only then it would stop. Before this, I was chased by a bear in the wild (there was monkeys and bear but the bear chase me. Not monkey.) but today, it was a monkey. I don't know. Idk what I did wrong. Maybe it is cutting my family off. I don't like it. I don't like to be only talking with x. It's not my usual. And I don't like the fact that there is no barriers between us like my mom or my sisters or anyone elses. I hate everything. But they have betrayed me. I had no one really. I thought I wanna go to x. Maybe there could be someone . It's open 24/7. And maybe I can find my safety there. But I didn't. I'm thinking of walking at night. Even though it's night. You know , now I guess those around you are the version of police in your own world. Acting like the eyes. And when nobody is doing it , your world is meant to be doomed. Like I was responsible to be the eyes too. Read : police. But that's a low thing to do. And I'm a coward. Like when I see that my parents or my siblings no longer practicing the religion. Corruption. Doing as they wishes. Using their religion whenever it fits them. And discarded it whenever it benefits them. It's the battle of the strongest. Like these people, they're fake. Or maybe , "smart"? Well, to their advantages. Like what can I do? Tear it apart? I do have burned something before. But I'm weak. My father too is weak. And my mom is damn. 

I do not like making anything sad. What did I do? Even if my life is saved I do not like what I have experienced. They had to put this monkey to sleep. For being aggressive. When this monkey wakes up in the train, it no longer aggressive. It is as if it just woke up from sleep. And I didn't like it. This shouldn't happened. And it was brought away from me. Why would a monkey be mad with me in the first place? This shouldn't have happened. It's a tough stuff. Why can't I always be protected? Like the veils of those around me? They keep me safe....  And what is with the monkey? I miss the time when I only dream of my friends and my lovers and those around me whom I know in real life and those I look up to. Like feeling normal. Like normal. Like my waking life and my dream are on the same page? Like nothing too weird is happening in my dream ? Why can't it be like that? I don't wanna change my reality. 

[Sabth]

It has been thirteen years since I've met my babies. And now , they are fifteen years old..

[Sabth]

You know , my imagination can be about just anything. (I don't usually believe that it's just imagination. But today.. it's kinda..   ) I dream, that my grandma, is driving furiously into the lawn. Being a grandma. She's driving alone. And there was a gathering. She was furious (?). Idk. And there are people in that gathering , whom, made me feel not safe. Like a random guy, it reminds me of last year. Like they are purposefully wanna ruined my mental health. Like saying I'm crazy. I think those guys are checking on me. I don't even know them. But they seems evil and had bad intention. He talk as if he wants to ruin me mentally. Saying I'm crazy. And I saw a girl. A x girl. (I try not to mention any race because it might attract them.) But I saw this girl. At first she was demonized by other people. Like girls went to her shop and demonized her. Until she closed her pharmacy. And later I saw those girls are regretting it. That there is no more that pharmacy. They were in front of her closed shop weeping. And it's closed. This reminds me of last year/the year before. I wonder if it was her. There was a pretty girl only slightly younger than me who are in there too. (There were four younger people including me . ) 

[Sabth]

Yk, of course , I do not like , ruining what we've already built. 

[Sabth]

.

Edited October 23 by Sabth

[Sabth]

I have been assaulted anyway.

Edited October 25 by Sabth

[Sabth]

♣️

I never touch a man or anyone intentionally in my life. Especially during covid, we stop taking handshake or any contact. This is normal. And back then , I was quite pious. I believe in God and I pray and I was not sexually active and I read the Quran (like some surah everyday since I was young except when I'm busy. There are phases like that) and I have other practices. I don't like being touch as that would be like energy exchange. But then , one day when my mom was travelling and my two other siblings aren't at home (my another two didn't live with us, so the ones who live with us aren't at home ) there was a guest coming to our house. It was a male. And later something happened and these guys (my father and him) were holding me down. I was so pissed off that I thought " wouldn't my father alone would be enough to hold me down?" I don't even do anything or fight back because I don't wanna hurt myself. Before this, I wouldn't let anyone do anything to me. My father might have been a healer but I WOULD NEVER LET HIM DO THAT TO ME. Like I won't. Like my sister they would. They would let him do something to them.. but I won't. Because I have God. I believe in God and I am myself a healer so I don't want ANYONE TO BE ABOVE. ME OR GOD TO DO something to me. So I never accept anything. Or submit to anyone . Except God. Back then. That was my belief. Like I would have been a non Muslim if I would submit myself to anyone back then. And I was like this since I was a child. I can't remember when I'm not. I was born like this. And even when we went to some pious people houses, they would say that I already have God (my own God?) and they won't do anything to me because they respect my Creator? They said I didn't need it. So I never let my father do anything to me even though many others went to him. 

And he assaulted me. I was so pissed off. But I wouldn't move. And LATER , this guest's mom came in and try to do something to me too. Like they are pigs . If I was strong all of em would have been dead. I wanna punch them so bad. (This is not true. I was weak). And later this mom go away and it was just me and my father and this guy holding me in the living room. (Before I was in the kitchen) . And this is when I spit on their faces out of disgust. 🤬

And later though I couldn't remember it well (if he touch me too or not) but I told my mom and my sister to not let my brother in law to see me without my hijab. By this time they already arrived. My mom too. But they wouldnt listen to me. And they brought me to the hospital. In there , they would tied me to the bed. For the whole night and my hand was bleeding so much that there was blood all over my clothe. (From the needle at the back of my hand) In the middle of the night I managed to untied myself from the bed and can walk around. I saw everything. And I took the needle off of my hand. And more blood coming out. 

First , they have touched me. 

And then, they spilled my blood. And my father let another guy see me without a hijab. Now to make it even showed myself without a hijab to many more men. To not make them feel special. I don't want them being the only one who have seen me without a hijab. 

If you were me would you do this? 

I would ALSO, NOT WANT ANYONE , WHO ARE A scholar, or family, or in laws , or those who never seen others naked except their women , because these guys could have a different reaction to it and would be dangerous. There was a certain people with whom I don't wanna be seen without a covering with and others I wouldn't care. 

To some I would want to wear a full covering and to my x, if I were to meet them I would wanna still be the same. Not wearing it. Like we used to be. So, this is not too easy. And when I'm travelling , I would wanna still feel freedom. Somehow. Sometime. But I don't wanna be without a full covering in front of my brother in laws... And I never did without it. It has always been like this. (Which is quite recent.)

And I had a bad experience with showing my normal self to a guru? Scholar? Idk. Lead? Idk. But I wasn't wearing a full covering and had wished that I would later on. (There was a girl who did it and I asked her why ? And she said because of meeting the guru. And I didn't understand why. And now I do. She said she only wear it to meet him. Not outside. And there are several people who did that. ) They can be creepy. Telling me that just by knowing you name they could pull me. All you need is someone's name. But with God nothing could harm you.  I went with my bro so it wasn't just only me.

And now I wanted to dyed my hair pink. And I would do what's comfortable to me. 

If you were me would you open your hijab even though a guy or two had abused you and see you without a hijab even though you're not willing of it. Like forcing you. 

Would you still wear a hijab even though someone had opened it you know like something that had been done cannot be undone. It can only go forward. Like what have been done cannot be returned. Even if I wear a hijab I would already have been without a hijab. That day. 

But I don't wanna be open in public. I would still be wearing shaggy clothes here , at least here , where I am. And be subdued. 

Do not tell me to do whatever I want .

I want to know the Truth. If you were me what would you do? 

I can no longer keep up with being a real Muslim. They had touched me and a non mahram guy had seen me without a hijab. I don't want him to be special so I open my hijab to a lot more other men. To feel normal. Would you? But not everyone. 

V

 

Edited October 31 by Sabth

[Sabth]

.

Edited November 1 by Sabth

[Sabth]

 

Flashing before memories . .. 

I know with whom I liked most. 

Edited November 3 by Sabth

[Sabth]

What did I see? In my dream?.... If possible I don't wanna sleep. I fear. 

[Sabth]

I really don't like to be forced. Or pressured.