Approaching strangers feel like a crushing lift

[The Caretaker]

One of my goals for this summer was to get better at socializing. So far, I've been rigid about going out at least once a week. Day time, night time, concerts, bars, events, solo or with a friend. I've tried a little of everything.

I've trained my brain to look for people that I could vibe. The problem is, that I don't feel comfortable approaching strangers, both men and women. With men, I want to expand my social circles and find new friends outside my echo chamber. And with women, I want to find somebody more into self-development and invite to a date.

I feel secure about my conversation skills and my life in general, but I feel like facing a wall when I want to cold approach. Being with a friend does not help much either (my mind looks for more excuses not to approach).

I know I could try the warm approach route, but I want to improve at cold approach specifically because it does not hinge on any particular group. If I get good at this skill, I feel like my social life will depend only on me and not on bullshit circumstances or social groups that I can't take with me if I change location/interests.

I've studied more dating/social advice than my brain could digest in a lifetime. What I am asking is more about personal experience. How you personally get over this fear?

A remark, I refuse to take alcohol or drugs. I want sober improvement, either solo or with a wingman. Also, I am not interested in anything flashy. I just want to get better.

[Yimpa]

Wow, I didn’t know you could use color here! 🌈

You’ve got a lot to offer to others ^__^

Edited July 21 by Yimpa

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68X1sqr9Prg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG8bA1BiCVA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rT-eMAtJyE

[The Caretaker]

@Yimpa I have quite a few tricks in my sleeves ༼ ▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ ̿༽

@Raze Thanks for sharing. Have you tried in the field their advice?

[Leo Gura]

23 hours ago, The Caretaker said:

How you personally get over this fear?

You don't get over it.

You just force yourself to approach anyway.

It's like you're going to the gym and asking "How do I get over my muscles burning?"

Edited July 22 by Leo Gura

[Basman]

I've read in the book Models by Mark Manson a trick for approaching where you visualize a line between yourself and the person you wish to approach. Then you just focus on making that line shorter till you are within conversation range. Put your mind of the pressure. Haven't tested that out myself.

[The Caretaker]

@Leo Gura Oke, maybe I didn't ask the question correctly. I mostly meant to ask how others raise their state for any given day/night.

Yeah, in the long run, gradually talking with more strangers will improve my skills, but I want to also know what is possible in a single good day.

Also, what should I do about this part [Being with a friend does not help much either (my mind looks for more excuses not to approach)]? Look for another wing?

@Basman I like Mark's work. After I've read his books I've memorized a few principles for self-help. Not so sure about his exercises tho. Getting somebody like him as a couch could be good, but his current life advice seems somewhat disconnected from practicality.

[Basman]

2 hours ago, The Caretaker said:

@Basman I like Mark's work. After I've read his books I've memorized a few principles for self-help. Not so sure about his exercises tho. Getting somebody like him as a couch could be good, but his current life advice seems somewhat disconnected from practicality.

He has some good advice but would probably make for a bad couch. He is not very cushy I think.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, The Caretaker said:

Oke, maybe I didn't ask the question correctly. I mostly meant to ask how others raise their state for any given day/night.

By going out and forcing yourself to approach.

There is trick to it. Just do it.

Your state increases as you take action. Your state decreases from not taking action.

Edited July 24 by Leo Gura

[Lyubov]

Going out and approaching anyway even if you are scared is a good way to move forward, do that, but it glosses over why you were scared in the first place. Something is unresolved there. Ask yourself why you choose to create fear in this situation. Believe it or not there are many people who feel zero fear talking to people at parties, including beautiful women. Why do you choose to be scared though? It is not happening automatically. You are choosing to create that fear but you are not conscious of how or why you are. And there is a reason for it as well. Feelings do not exist in a vacuum. There is a belief behind the fear. You can push and power through it, that's fine, do that, but don't miss the deeper lesson by only doing that. 

 

Edited July 24 by Lyubov

[The Caretaker]

@Basman  He had a few videos on his main channel where he helped people overcome their fears.

@Leo Gura When you started, you did it head-on? I remember you shared some stories where you either tried (or at least advised) to start from something smaller (like asking for time from strangers) and gradually increase the difficulty (talking to women with sexual intent).

I also remember you said "game" was so brutal you had to cry after some nights. Do you believe this is because of the nature of the beast or because of your past level of development?

@Lyubov In my experience, people who have natural "zero social fear" are cracknuts, not so far away from prison or at least harassment. But yeah, the question is a good one. I'm just not sure how the answer will help me. Awareness with little action can take you only this far.

[Leo Gura]

3 minutes ago, The Caretaker said:

When you started, you did it head-on? I remember you shared some stories where you either tried (or at least advised) to start from something smaller (like asking for time from strangers) and gradually increase the difficulty (talking to women with sexual intent).

I started head-on.

One of my first approaches was an opinion opener: "Hey, I need a quick female opinion. We want to buy my friend an iPhone for his birthday. Should we get a black or white one?"

It was stupid, but you gotta start somewhere.

3 minutes ago, The Caretaker said:

I also remember you said "game" was so brutal you had to cry after some nights. Do you believe this is because of the nature of the beast or because of your past level of development?

Both

[Lyubov]

@The Caretaker well are we in agreement you are creating the fear? If we are then why not choose to stop it, and instead create another emotion that will help you in this situation more?

[BuddhistLover]

57 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I started head-on.

One of my first approaches was an opinion opener: "Hey, I need a quick female opinion. We want to buy my friend an iPhone for his birthday. Should we get a black or white one?"

It was stupid, but you gotta start somewhere.

Both

I guess a lot of guys are nervous talking to girls. But I think the guys who are least nervous talking to girls are the guys who have daughters. If he has a daughter then it's apart of his job to talk to her so it becomes normal to him. 

[Leo Gura]

8 minutes ago, BuddhistLover said:

I guess a lot of guys are nervous talking to girls. But I think the guys who are least nervous talking to girls are the guys who have daughters. If he has a daughter then it's apart of his job to talk to her so it becomes normal to him. 

Daughters??

If you have daughters you shouldn't be hunting for women.

[mmKay]

My grandma lets me practice my rizz on her when she's high on her meds

Edited July 25 by mmKay

[Yimpa]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Daughters??

If you have daughters you shouldn't be hunting for women.

Unless you’re Elongating the truth

 

[kamill]

@mmKay thats the secret method you can easly be man-to-grandma try push-pull escalete a bit move "venuee" with her strong eye contact and invite her to your after party.

[The Caretaker]

@Leo Gura Got ya. I remember my first approach was in a park. A woman was close to the lake and I joked that "the water is too shallow here to jump". She laughed and we started a discussion. And then, I started talking to her about spiral dynamics 😂. Take notes guys, the best approach = a suicide joke + autistic conversation topics.

Another time, I was very hesitant and spent like 30 minutes doing nothing but walking around in the park. My state was so low, that a couple approached me, and asked me why I was so sad. The woman instantly assumed it was because I was single 🤣.

@Lyubov This sensation is emotional, not logical by nature. I know how to handle logic, emotions a little harder. I think and think and think about my internal state, and observe, and contemplate more. This particular area of my life feels impossible to handle through introspection alone. How exactly would you follow your advice and

11 hours ago, Lyubov said:

instead create another emotion that will help you in this situation more?

@mmKay A real grandchild would game their elders sober. Everybody's gangsta when granma is high 😤.

[Treewatcher]

@The Caretaker Where are you from btw? Cultures differ vastly on social norms for socialization and on the general opennes of people. Also how open people are to talking to strangers. Curious because in my country if someone looks depressed they look like the average person and no one would dare to bother them.