My story with actualized.org

[OrangeOak]

Just to say, I would really appreciate if there was a way I could delete my profile and posts, or at least change my username, because I'm not comfortable having my real name on here anymore, and some of the other posts I've made have deeply personal information I only shared because I was in a time of desperation. 

But I need to share my story of where I'm at with all of this. 

I was once a very exuberant, social person. I had many friends and people I felt close to in my life. When I was 19, I smoked weed for the first time, and had my first proper relationship. This was all positive and I cherish those memories. It was during this time that I opened my heart and mind a lot and grew a lot. But when I did LSD for the first time, I became so open and it was positive, lots of laughter, play and hugs, but towards the end of the trip I became extremely paranoid thinking I wasn't as loved and liked as I thought, I became very self-conscious for the first time in a long time. Smoking weed has never been a positive experience since then, and has always included these same paranoid thoughts and anxiety, and has slowly gotten worse. But still, I stayed close to my friends and everything was fine. But then I had to leave that country and return home (losing connection with all my friends). When I returned, I had a couple of negative experiences which affirmed this growing negative feeling about myself. (My mother lost her shit at me, screaming and shaking with anger). (My old best friend said I was behaving obnoxiously and that if it continued it would negatively affect the friendship). I thought I was just being myself.

Soon after this, I was spending a lot of time alone on a farm. I would smoke weed, and ruminate constantly about the bad things that had happened to me. I became very depressed and I was grieving over the friends I had lost, and that happy, fun version of myself I felt disconnected from. Life became quite meaningless, and my main source of meaning was hoping I would go back to New Zealand and be with all my friends again soon. But I couldn't, because of COVID. 

So I waited for a year, and in that time I was exposed to many new perspectives on human emotion, connection etc. I was exposed to spirituality for the first time, and in my search for meaning and fulfillment, I latched onto it pretty hard. But I didn't go super deep with it. I read Joe Dispenza's 'Becoming Supernatural' and watched Alan Watts videos, among other things. I spent a lot of time that year comparing myself to who I used to be, and worrying if I would still be just as loved and liked as I was before when I eventually returned to NZ, as I had vowed to do. And Inevitably, from the combination of my insecurity and exposure to spiritual ideas, I developed the 'spiritual ego'. I thought, "It doesn't matter what happens to me, or if people like me or not. Fuck them, because I am in possession of the truth and they are ignorant, shallow people anyway". This was my safety net. 

Eventually, I had the opportunity to return to NZ, so I immediately booked my flights and I was filled with Joy and excitement that I would see all my friends again and be happy again. When I arrived, I was greeted so warmly by everyone, and I got back together with my girlfriend straight away. But I couldn't shake this overwhelming insecurity that had festered in me in anticipation of my reunion with everyone. I was too psychologically ungrounded to hold a connection with anyone, apart from my girlfriend. We were blessed with a pure connection that cut through all of that. So I had to live with the pain of not feeling connected to my friends there like I was before, and I foolishly started smoking weed again with my girlfriend, which made it impossible for me to brake through my fear and get out of my head. I gradually saw less and less of my friends, because it brought me more pain than joy to see them, until it was only my girlfriend who I spent time with. 

This was when I discovered Actualized.org, and I gluttonously consumed Leo's content for 9 months, without being even remotely ready for it, or mature enough to handle those truths about Self, Mind, God, Love etc. I was so mentally fragile, and I tried to ground myself using the concepts in the videos, but it had the opposite effect. I knew it wasn't helping, but I kept thinking I would find the 'one video' that solved it all for me. And I was already so in pain that I would foolishly be open to any ideas. I become so mentally unwell that I had to leave my girlfriend and come back home to my family in England, where I would try and rebuild myself. 

I would make a big push of super healthy-eating and exercise etc. but I would just spiral and fall every time because I could never find that paranoia-free connection I wanted. I feel like I'm stuck with this mess of spiritual concepts in the back of my mind, on top of all the other trauma, and My body and mind are now burnt-out. The weight of regret is so heavy.  

My relationship to other people and how I see them has changed so much, I feel cut-off from the world and others, and I feel like I'm slowly dying. My heart is closed, and my mind is a twisted, dark forest. I'm drowning in the mess of my own mind. How does a young man navigate this in society? Why can't I let go of this shit? I wish I could go back. If I could do things differently I would never have smoked weed or done psychedelics. And I wouldn't recommend them to anyone, there are plenty of other ways to be joyful which are much more meaningful and grounded. 

Edited July 20 by Ely Higgins

[Breakingthewall]

I would say that what is happening to you is simply a lack of emotional maturity, not being solid in yourself, regardless of the people around you. Achieving this is very difficult and takes years of work, but it is necessary. Let's say you have left the comfort of the herd and it is cold outside, but when you return to the herd, you cannot flow as a herd again and you are not safe as an individual either. I would forget spiritual content, it will only bring you spiritual ego, nothing real. ideas that will twist your mind. What I would do is a serious meditation practice, therapy if you can afford it, and channel your life in a way that promotes self-confidence.

[Danioover9000]

@Ely Higgins

7 hours ago, Ely Higgins said:

Just to say, I would really appreciate if there was a way I could delete my profile and posts, or at least change my username, because I'm not comfortable having my real name on here anymore, and some of the other posts I've made have deeply personal information I only shared because I was in a time of desperation. 

But I need to share my story of where I'm at with all of this. 

I was once a very exuberant, social person. I had many friends and people I felt close to in my life. When I was 19, I smoked weed for the first time, and had my first proper relationship. This was all positive and I cherish those memories. It was during this time that I opened my heart and mind a lot and grew a lot. But when I did LSD for the first time, I became so open and it was positive, lots of laughter, play and hugs, but towards the end of the trip I became extremely paranoid thinking I wasn't as loved and liked as I thought, I became very self-conscious for the first time in a long time. Smoking weed has never been a positive experience since then, and has always included these same paranoid thoughts and anxiety, and has slowly gotten worse. But still, I stayed close to my friends and everything was fine. But then I had to leave that country and return home (losing connection with all my friends). When I returned, I had a couple of negative experiences which affirmed this growing negative feeling about myself. (My mother lost her shit at me, screaming and shaking with anger). (My old best friend said I was behaving obnoxiously and that if it continued it would negatively affect the friendship). I thought I was just being myself.

Soon after this, I was spending a lot of time alone on a farm. I would smoke weed, and ruminate constantly about the bad things that had happened to me. I became very depressed and I was grieving over the friends I had lost, and that happy, fun version of myself I felt disconnected from. Life became quite meaningless, and my main source of meaning was hoping I would go back to New Zealand and be with all my friends again soon. But I couldn't, because of COVID. 

So I waited for a year, and in that time I was exposed to many new perspectives on human emotion, connection etc. I was exposed to spirituality for the first time, and in my search for meaning and fulfillment, I latched onto it pretty hard. But I didn't go super deep with it. I read Joe Dispenza's 'Becoming Supernatural' and watched Alan Watts videos, among other things. I spent a lot of time that year comparing myself to who I used to be, and worrying if I would still be just as loved and liked as I was before when I eventually returned to NZ, as I had vowed to do. And Inevitably, from the combination of my insecurity and exposure to spiritual ideas, I developed the 'spiritual ego'. I thought, "It doesn't matter what happens to me, or if people like me or not. Fuck them, because I am in possession of the truth and they are ignorant, shallow people anyway". This was my safety net. 

Eventually, I had the opportunity to return to NZ, so I immediately booked my flights and I was filled with Joy and excitement that I would see all my friends again and be happy again. When I arrived, I was greeted so warmly by everyone, and I got back together with my girlfriend straight away. But I couldn't shake this overwhelming insecurity that had festered in me in anticipation of my reunion with everyone. I was too psychologically ungrounded to hold a connection with anyone, apart from my girlfriend. We were blessed with a pure connection that cut through all of that. So I had to live with the pain of not feeling connected to my friends there like I was before, and I foolishly started smoking weed again with my girlfriend, which made it impossible for me to brake through my fear and get out of my head. I gradually saw less and less of my friends, because it brought me more pain than joy to see them, until it was only my girlfriend who I spent time with. 

This was when I discovered Actualized.org, and I gluttonously consumed Leo's content for 9 months, without being even remotely ready for it, or mature enough to handle those truths about Self, Mind, God, Love etc. I was so mentally fragile, and I tried to ground myself using the concepts in the videos, but it had the opposite effect. I knew it wasn't helping, but I kept thinking I would find the 'one video' that solved it all for me. And I was already so in pain that I would foolishly be open to any ideas. I become so mentally unwell that I had to leave my girlfriend and come back home to my family in England, where I would try and rebuild myself. 

I would make a big push of super healthy-eating and exercise etc. but I would just spiral and fall every time because I could never find that paranoia-free connection I wanted. I feel like I'm stuck with this mess of spiritual concepts in the back of my mind, on top of all the other trauma, and My body and mind are now burnt-out. The weight of regret is so heavy.  

My relationship to other people and how I see them has changed so much, I feel cut-off from the world and others, and I feel like I'm slowly dying. My heart is closed, and my mind is a twisted, dark forest. I'm drowning in the mess of my own mind. How does a young man navigate this in society? Why can't I let go of this shit? I wish I could go back. If I could do things differently I would never have smoked weed or done psychedelics. And I wouldn't recommend them to anyone, there are plenty of other ways to be joyful which are much more meaningful and grounded. 

   Yeah I can relate a bit here. This is why you should take personal development, the basics, seriously but slowly apply them over time, and try to limit your time in this forum. Here's my little story of my time here: For the past 4 years of join here I have been plagued by technical issues, started with connection issues, then progressed to missing buttons, to posts and threads disappearing, even getting signed out every 5 minutes or every couple of minutes was very annoying to deal with. What's also annoying was whenever I made threads some users here troll and hate, no different than other social media sites, and I always found myself in somebody's freaking drama, especially over at the politics sub forum, getting a series of warnings and false reports. It's honestly was tiring to deal with because most of that all was them doing it to me, until I had enough and just stopped getting into them, and reducing my time there and I felt happy that I did. That is until one little drama in that sub forum, which was the final straw, and that got me kicked out in that sub forum.

   My advice: Don't participate in that politics forum, even the spiritual sub forum, mostly limit your time to the personal development one, maybe the business and life advice one, and the journaling one. That's about it, and don't get dragged into drama, just ignore them and carry on with your own life. It's only part of your life in this forum, a tiny part, you have way more life that's out there and not here. Make that your priority and not this place at all!

[CoolDreamThanks]

I'm not a follower of Leo's, so my advice will be outside of his teachings, but anyway:

You might think that you made mistakes and life sucks now. That's only partly true. No matter what choices you would have made - life would have been bad in one way or the other. The form of a bad life differs for everyone, but everyone suffers immensely on this planet.

This is the first step towards awakening. It's what motivates you to escape this hellish domain.

You are dreaming a nightmare, have been for thousands of lifetimes, and you need to understand how to wake up from it forever.

How do you do it? Read A Course in Miracles, listen to Ken Wapnick, and A Course in Miracles with Keith on YouTube. Also, read the Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard; it's a good intro into ACIM.

Understanding the nature of this universe deeply will allow you to escape it. 

Nothing unique is happening to you; everyone is suffering; some wear a smile and distract themselves from their pain. We are in hell. You were set up to fail from the very beginning. 

To return home to Heaven, you simply need to let go of all the idols you have in this dream and surrender to your true Self. This means meditating 24/7 until all the contents of your consciousness are rinsed out and nothing remains that keeps you dreaming.

If you haven't already, understanding Ramana Maharshi's teachings also helps.

If you are lucky and dedicate yourself, it's a life-long journey. For most, getting close to the Truth will take another 100 lifetimes.

Some fall asleep deeper and choose wrong teachers that keep them stuck in the dream - including Leo, and basically 99% of all others.

Some fall asleep just a bit and get Jesus as their guide back home. 

Best of luck. 

[OrangeOak]

Thank you for that.

I don't really care about the forum, or any drama on it. And I don't spend much time here. I just don't want my name on here anymore, and I wish that wish was respected by Leo or whoever has admin control, because I don't seem to have the option to delete my account or posts, or to change my name. Someone tell me if I'm missing something.

[CoolDreamThanks]

I remember writing Leo around 10 messages in a week, and he deleted my account. That's the only way, only he can delete accounts. 

[OrangeOak]

@CoolDreamThanks It's kind of not fair if you ask me. Thank you anyway

Edited July 20 by Ely Higgins

[Yimpa]

Beggars can't be choosers.

[Danioover9000]

@Ely Higgins

21 hours ago, Ely Higgins said:

Thank you for that.

I don't really care about the forum, or any drama on it. And I don't spend much time here. I just don't want my name on here anymore, and I wish that wish was respected by Leo or whoever has admin control, because I don't seem to have the option to delete my account or posts, or to change my name. Someone tell me if I'm missing something.

   If you really want your account to get blacklisted and deleted, look at the forum guidelines, do the opposite. Maybe that get's you forever deleted from here if you're done with this place. Or if you just want a name change then Just keep on messaging the admin to change name, or a mod to change name, or even call tech support and say you want your name changed. Regardless I will remember your name, it's a good sounding name, and this is coming from me a user being beat down by tech issues and nobody cares to change for a year of complaining from me. Didn't work for me, but don't give up complaining until you really exhaust all options to help change your name here.

[Danioover9000]

@CoolDreamThanks

21 hours ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

I remember writing Leo around 10 messages in a week, and he deleted my account. That's the only way, only he can delete accounts. 

   Christ it took you 10 messages until something happened? I'm like 50 messages in and NOTHING is happening to correct my tech issues and missing my content tab! Like WTF?! But like I was saying to other user, IDC anymore and have decided am mostly leaving. I may rarely come back but due to those tech issues I won't be wasting time here anymore.