Pleasure seeking, instant gratification, I have lost the battle.

[Curious_classic]

I know that meditation works, building habits too and alot of self help books give insights and inspiration, I did it before, I kicked smoking and drugs so hard, I lost weight, built muscles, crushed the grip out of porn addiction, but masterbation only for 30 days is my best score, ( some don't believe in nofap I totally get that )

But that legendary phase of my life,where the changes I've made looked so good to be true I lost everything after it, now I masterbate to porn everyday, share my secrets, smoke, wach anime and play video games all day, I procrastinate the important stuff, I never go to the gym, I eat junk food.

I'm here to seek advice, should I go back to nofap, although it's not scientifically proven, I think it kinda work, or maybe it was something else, I don't know what I was doing back then, I just want it back, I don't care about people saying self improvement is a myth, I know it's effective, I saw it, experienced it vividly, I was shocked that I could achieve what I have achieved back then, my willpower just spiked my mental health was very good It felt uphoric, I was disciplined, now what changed is that I started taking olonzapine 10mg and antidepressants, and back to masterbation, wich I think was the main cause of my pleasure seeking destructive behavior, but now i don't want to stop it, i care about what happens in the next one piece episode more than i care about building habits, finding my passion, and that's the big fucking disappointing stuff, i did the lp course multiple times, but i couldn't answer alot of assessments i got stuck on some shit , like i started to find writing fiction lacks visuals and sounds then video editing is something that exites me but i want to decide what happens in the film, i got stuck inside a maze, and i couldn't defeat the invisible power that was pushing me far away from my true life purpose, so i gave up, and nihilism got the best of me, and i started finding excuses that i won't be seccessful at whatever i do, and i got hooked into the lifestyle of working, making money, and buying consoles and gaming accessories, im a loser, and i love this lifestyle, im hooked, where should I start now??

What should I do ?

Help! 

[Raze]

https://easypeasymethod.org/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noXzaSRHWuw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-TW2Chpz4k

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

Edited July 18 by Raze

[Curious_classic]

Hey @Raze , thank you so much for sharing this with me.

[Buck Edwards]

I think you need to figure out your life purpose. It could be a small thing to give you a start. A kick out of the rut so to speak.. It sounds like you've had a really tough time, but it's also clear that you have a lot of strength and resilience. Acknowledge whatever small progress you have made. You've overcome a lot in the past – kicking smoking and drugs, losing weight, and building muscle are all incredible feats of willpower. Don't diminish those accomplishments.

Build your focus gradually... Focus on small wins. Trying to overhaul your entire life at once can be overwhelming. Instead, set small, achievable goals. Maybe it's going for a 15-minute walk a day or replacing one junk food meal with a healthier option. Celebrate these wins, no matter how small, as they'll build momentum.

You mentioned meditation worked for you before. It's a great tool for managing stress, improving focus, and developing self-awareness. Consider incorporating a short meditation practice (even 5 minutes) into your day, it will do you good. Maybe find a cozy place that charges you up. 

Olanzapine and antidepressants can affect motivation and mood. Discuss your concerns about these medications and your desire to improve your well-being with your doctor. They may be able to adjust your medication or recommend additional support. My mom took it for a year. 

Nofap can be a helpful tool, but it's not a magic bullet. Focus on building a healthy relationship with your sexuality, masturbation included. There are plenty of resources online and in libraries about healthy sexual practices. Maybe have a sex journal or something to keep a track of your habits. 

Maybe video editing is what excites you! Don't be afraid to start small. Watch tutorials, edit short clips for fun, or offer to help friends with their projects. The important thing is to take that first step. Just baby steps you know. 

Nihilistic thoughts can hold you back. When you start thinking "I'll never be successful," counter it with evidence of your past achievements. You've overcome challenges before, you can do it in a support group, either online or in person, for people struggling with similar issues. Talking to others who understand can be incredibly helpful.Setbacks are inevitable. The key is not to let them define you. If you have a bad day, pick yourself up and recommit to your goals.Remember, change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your victories (big and small), and don't be afraid to ask for help. You've got this! I always reward myself even for little things even though my life is not perfect by any means. 

[DianaFr]

What I pick up from your story is that there are two versions of you - one that is productive, disciplined and motivated and this is the version you like and adore. The other is lazy, destructive and purposeless and you hate it because it makes you appear to yourself as a loser. These both versions are equally you, they're parts of you, just one dominates at a given time. In my experience, this could be a reflection of your internal fragmentation which perpetuates the cycle of self-sabotage and self-rejection. The type of behavior you describe as current, signals about essential needs that have not been met which is the foundation of any addiction. In some twisted way your current behavior is still serving you and the more unaware you are about the underlying issue, the more it seems to be out of control. This is also why your legendary phase could not be sustained - if success involved increasing the gap between your conscious self and the parts you have stuffed away in your subconscious, it's like pulling a rubber band - it extends because you put effort in it but as soon as you let go even for a little bit, it jumps back with force. So you never had a stable and secure inner foundation to begin with. And you can't build one with willpower and discipline. It's more about radical self-acceptance, sitting in the discomfort of your emotions, healing your traumas, connecting with your values etc. It's about inviting back what has been lost even if it goes against your current self-concept. You will be truly successful if the goals you pick resolve your internal split, not make it bigger. 

[HMD]

Make Discipline is Destiny by Ryan Holiday your bible for a few months. You need to develop your stage blue (among other things).