Random Writing

[Whitney Edwards]

4 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Yeah. It’s just that I’m emotionally all over the place. To use the same example I used a couple of weeks ago, it’s like a cat playing with a wool ball and trying to put it into writing just makes my mind go blank at the moment. 

If you habitually note down your emotions regularly, you'll get a pattern of having a grip over your emotions over time and you'll begin to notice all of your emotional patterns too. Try it. 

[Marcel]

On 31.10.2024 at 10:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If you habitually note down your emotions regularly, you'll get a pattern of having a grip over your emotions over time and you'll begin to notice all of your emotional patterns too. Try it. 

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball.

I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday evening plus the subsequent nightmares last night.

Upset, stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming.

It often feels like pressure in my head.

 

Edited November 1, 2024 by Marcel

[Whitney Edwards]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball.

I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday even plus the subsequent nightmares last night.

Upset,stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming.

It feels like pressure in my head often. 

 

Yea I understand that pressure. 

[Marcel]

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them.

Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up.

My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol 

Well often. Not always, but still hehe 

 

Edited November 1, 2024 by Marcel

[Whitney Edwards]

9 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them.

Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up.

My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol 

Well often. Not always, but still hehe 

 

Lol.

[Marcel]

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately.

Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought.

I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. 

I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol 

Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. 

I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

[Whitney Edwards]

21 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately.

Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought.

I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. 

I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol 

Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. 

I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

You can write one thought at a time so there's more clarity hun. 

[Marcel]

2 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

You can write one thought at a time so there's more clarity hun. 

Well that’s the thing. To me it feels like I have a million different thoughts at once.

Mental woolball 🧶

Edited November 4, 2024 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Im having the strangest experience right now.

I feel madly in love and also deeply suicidal at the same time. Not suicidal in a dark, but somehow in a beautiful way.I don’t really know how to word it.

 It’s euphoric. Ive never in my life felt like this before. I have nothing to compare it to. All words lose their meaning in the face of this grandios experience, which, despite the severe mental pain I’m experiencing, is amazing.

Nothing I’ve ever experienced or read about is similar to this sensation. Incredible 

Edited November 4, 2024 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Im just absolutely astounded right now 

[Marcel]

Keeping up the daily journaling.

I feel demotivated which is quite unlike me.

I feel quite lost in this particular phase of my life. I’ve cared for everyone else in my family and keeping everything together, neglecting my own life in the process.

So. Now that my life actually starts to revolve around me. I continuously realise that I basically don’t know myself.

What do I like? What do I want to do? Where do I want to travel too? What type of activities do I enjoy? What is my life purpose? 

And on And on my head is exploding with questions about myself, that have been unanswered and swept under the rug for a very long time.

For the longest time I literally felt guilty even thinking about myself. It’s as if a developed a „self“ shadow lol

Very liberating and Very uncomfortable process to go through. Living my own life. 

I barely know what to do on most days. 

 

Edited November 5, 2024 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Feel very demotivated and low energy today. 

In the last couple of weeks I barely have a sense of hunger or feeling full. 

Either I don’t eat anything at all or too much,  the latter I only start feeling the next day.

Its been quite a battle with my Psyche the last 7 days. I’m making progress at least. 

Breaking free from my home situation is a whole lot more difficult then I thought. It keeps sucking me back in and when I’m not there for an extended period of time I get a mental breakdown. 

Slow and steady wins the race. I’m so looking forward to consistently being able to be away from home without it impacting me in this manner.

[Marcel]

Today i realised that my self talk is so brutally negative and destructive. 

It’s really in the need of an overhaul. I beat myself up for making mistakes quite harshly, even for potential mistakes I didn’t even make at times, just because I did it inefficiently.

And the classic beating yourself up because you are beating yourself up.

It’s such a toxic whirlwind at times.

 

 

 

 

[Yimpa]

@Marcel great observation. I deal with that issue myself.

[Marcel]

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life tonight and somehow I’m happy about it to be honest.

In a way it forced me to face my worst fears, insecurities and inadequacies. 

My nightmares are very vivid. So I woke up paralysed with fear, weak, speechless and terrified. 

But after 2 hours have passed now and talking to my wonderful wife. I’m starting to feel very positive about this experience. 

These were my worst fears and well their impact has already passed, voluntarily at that.

So, this realisation is slowly giving me a completely rekindled spirit after feeling quite broken for a good hour after waking up.

 

[Whitney Edwards]

4 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life tonight and somehow I’m happy about it to be honest.

In a way it forced me to face my worst fears, insecurities and inadequacies. 

My nightmares are very vivid. So I woke up paralysed with fear, weak, speechless and terrified. 

But after 2 hours have passed now and talking to my wonderful wife. I’m starting to feel very positive about this experience. 

These were my worst fears and well their impact has already passed, voluntarily at that.

So, this realisation is slowly giving me a completely rekindled spirit after feeling quite broken for a good hour after waking up.

 

Positive affirmations. Uplifting music. Asmr. Bunch of emotional work and you'll get there. You need fresh air hun. 

[Marcel]

9 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Positive affirmations. Uplifting music. Asmr. Bunch of emotional work and you'll get there. You need fresh air hun. 

Yeah. The emotional work is a lot right now. 

Going for a walk and fresh air really is very useful, movement in general is fantastic. 

[Whitney Edwards]

20 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Yeah. The emotional work is a lot right now. 

Going for a walk and fresh air really is very useful, movement in general is fantastic. 

Yep. I feel great when you walk. 

[Marcel]

My mind tends to go blank when I try to journal. It feels somewhat like writers block.

I‘ve deliberately tried to be in the present moment as much as I can in the last couple of days and quickly realised that i can barely do so.

My mind wanders off quite quickly and goes into avoidance and distractions. It’s quite painful to just be present at times.

[Whitney Edwards]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

My mind wanders off quite quickly and goes into avoidance and distractions. It’s quite painful to just be present at times.

Practice mindfulness and focus.