Random Writing

[Marcel]

Rebirth and Reconstruction. Vacant eyes are glowing once more. Energy flows freely. Emotions and Thoughts synchronise. Heart and Mind unified. Peace and Tranquillity take hold. The path forward shrouded in mystery. The path backwards finally completed. The Cycle is broken. Butterflies and Adrenaline. Power surging. Intuitions become reality. Ambitions realised. Gratitude experienced. New Paradigms arise. Progress is made. Evolution quickens. Destiny unfolds. The Universe collapses and starts a new in a violent eruption of raw potential. I emerge. 

[Marcel]

For most of my life I have felt desperate and deserted. Even worse. I felt the exact same way around people. I truly am the odd one out. It used to make me feel insecure and bother me bitterly but nowadays it is the biggest advantage I could possibly have. Just tell people you are insane and they will almost automatically just nod their head and go „yeah, checks out“. For the longest time I believed that in order for me to feel secure and confident I needed to be impressive. I became impressive and still felt the exact same way. No Facade, no matter how shiny, is worth it, because there is no substance behind it. It’s empty. It’s soulless. It’s artificial. It’s fake. I never thought I would find peace. I never thought I could slowly love myself again. I never thought I could conceive of a purpose for my life. I never thought I would eventually feel comfortable in my own skin. I never thought I could accept my body the way it is and see the inherent perfection within it.

[Marcel]

Dear Suicide 

You have been a worthy opponent. You challenged me ferociously for 13 years straight and your effort was truly remarkable. You truly brought out the big guns. You truly were on your A Game and despite all of the above I consider this competition over. You lost. Your reign of terror is over once and for all. I declare myself the unanimous winner. You almost had me multiple times and caught me off guard at every turn, but nonetheless I prevail valiantly and remain steadfast. Funny how, after such a long time, the tides in this seemingly endless losing battle have turned. Am I now unbreakable? Humbly: Hell no. I am absolutely hurt and my emotions run wild nearly all of the time. All I want is a bit peace of mind. All I want is a bit of balance. All I want is a bit of freedom. All I want is a bit of room to breath. No more sentimental pendulum that has forever and uncontrollably swung between ecstasy and desperation. I truly wonder where this lonely road will take me and wether me being in the driver seat again will even matter. My Insanity will forever be my base of operations and possibly my most loyal companion, ain’t that right? So? Should I set the world on fire and watch it glisten in the dark or relish in the privilege of being a passionate participant in the face of this unfolding universe. Destroyer or Creator, which will it be?

[Marcel]

There is a strange beauty in feeling lost. If you don’t know where to go all doors are open to you. Randomly knocking on them isn’t the most fun activity at times, but here and there serendipitous events can truly be the key to unlocking an insight that gives a floor plan or at least a direction in this house of cards of a world. I had a vision that this is my last lifetime on earth, which makes everything all the more interesting. In fact, a lot of strange things have been told me in dreams. From me apparently dying in the year 2150, which means I would then be 151 years old to being the incarnation of archangel Gabriel. I truly don’t know what to make of this, if it means anything at all. 

[Marcel]

I have come to realise that I absolutely love immaturity and clown like behaviour. 
It’s genuinely entertaining to me. 

I can’t wait for the first troll to stumble into my journal just for me to masterfully put him in my ignore list and having a good laugh.

How Times change. I remember just a couple of years ago I encountered my first troll in the wild lands of the internets comment sections and got so mad lmao 😂 

Now situations like that are solved with a laugh and a click of a button. Improvement really is a blessing. I remain unbothered and focused on the progress intend to make.

Never thought I would be at that point. What blows my mind even more is, just where this self-improvement journey might go.

The Possibilities are endless. 

 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

 

Just had this thought at 4 am in the morning.

Through all the pain and desperation I have felt in my life there were 3 possible paths I could have taken. 
Obviously I now say that from a birds view having left my most of my troubles behind.

1. Commit Suicide 

2. Become a Monster

3. Become Conscious.

I put becoming conscious on position 3 on purpose. Because that’s, funny enough, what I have been doing unconsciously for the last 5 years without ever realising or articulating it like that.

12 years of my life was spent emotionally void and suicidal. But now I feel on top of the world. Out of anyone I am the last person who would have expected that outcome. 
 

Man. This life will take me places.

 

[Marcel]

Updated my profile picture. 

I still find it endlessly hilarious that the forum thinks I’m not a real person. It’s the funniest shit.

Some people genuinely waste their time thinking about it or pester my wife with stupid texts about it, which by the way have zero impact on anything. It’s just funny. 

 Immaturity truly is incredible entertainment. 

Nothing beats the behaviour of people online. Anonymity really is a drug that some people just can’t handle responsibly. 

I truly wonder if someday everything you post online will be tied to your identity and is even publicly available. Terrifying, but also, in some  cases, unbelievable funny and the potential for hilarity is never ending.

I swear I would looooooove to see what internet trolls are actually like in real regular daily life, just for a day. Would be an interesting excursion.  I have my sneaking suspicions about the result, but maybe I can be surprised. 😂

 

 

[Marcel]

Manifesting is truly a miraculous process.

3 Months ago I sat down and wrote down all the qualities I would want in my future wife.

I went into a lot of detail. Then set what I wrote aside and lived my life as if I already had a wife and tada it happened. 
 

Obviously not just by me sitting around. I put in the effort to get in my best shape yet. Studied more then ever. Became more skilled at my job. Even found good friends along the way. Everything lined up perfectly just to eventually conclude in achieving my aim in the most unexpected of ways. 
 

It’s mind blowing. My intuition guides me perfectly along the invisible but inevitable path to fulfil my every desire. 
 

Or in other words. I developed faith.

[Marcel]

Nature never takes something away without giving something of equivalent or greater value back.

I can’t remember where I heard that, but the last couple of weeks and months have proven it correct in my direct experience.

I struggled endlessly for more then a decade. Mental health issues way beyond my control. Failed suicide attempts, the list is long.

But despite all of that. I am perfectly happy nowadays and even catch myself being grateful for the past. 
 

Never thought I could genuinely say that. 

Seems fitting I work as a paramedic nowadays lmao 

[Marcel]

Empathetic communication. 

I work as a paramedic. On Saturday we had an emergency that involved over 20 people. Won’t go into the details because it’s not relevant to the point I’m trying to make.

We had all the people who were affected in one place. A family member of some of them suggested they take them with so they are out of the environment and can calm down a bit, especially the children were stressed out.

I was about say. „Yes, understandable, let me check in with my colleagues and my boss and see if we can make that happen or how I can assist you and your family otherwise“

But before I can say anything my colleague almost screams NO! In a manner that sounded half pissed off and half annoyed. 

I stood there a bit puzzled for a couple of seconds, because these people genuinely just went through something you could easily call devastating and THAT‘S the way my colleague reacted.

Sure. I was aware that we probably couldn’t fulfil that request, considering that we needed to still watch over them medically, because of what had happened, but just saying no without an explanation is rude.

I asked my colleague to not interrupt me next time and explained to him that just saying NO! May be „efficient“ because you don’t need to explain yourself, but can be quite out of place in this situation, also considering the tone of voice he had.

He won’t listen to me anyway, at least I don’t think so, but it needed to be said. 

Still shaking my head a bit just thinking about it. His actions don’t sit right with me. This type of communication bothers me. It’s definitely an approach, but absolutely the wrong one in my understanding and philosophy, given the parameters of the situation. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

TO MY HUSBAND MARCEL :

In the quiet moments when the world fades away, my thoughts inevitably turn to you. Your love is the steady heartbeat of my life, a constant rhythm that grounds me and fills me with an indescribable peace. You have always been there for me. I can't believe hun that you prayed for me. Maybe I'm alive because of your prayers. You are the best thing that has happened to my life. 

I cherish the way your laughter lights up a room, and how your eyes hold the universe when you look at me. You are my confidant, my lover, and my best friend, all wrapped into one extraordinary man. With you by my side, every day is an adventure filled with promise and JOY. Our bond is so trustworthy and meaningful and so full of life. Everyday you bring me nothing but joy and a big smile on my face. Every morning starts with you and my life has shown a tremendous transformation. There are tears in my eyes, I couldn't have been grateful enough. All the happy memories flood back again. 

Thank you for being the unwavering rock upon which I build my world. Your strength, your kindness, and your unwavering support inspire me to be the best version of myself.

I love you more than words can say. Thank you for just being there. Thank you. I truly deserve your love and you know that. 

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

I truly deserve your love and you know that.

@Buck Edwards

Beautiful hun 

You do truly deserve it and I’m so glad you overcame your struggle of unworthiness.

Seeing you grow is incredible ❤️

I really did not expect for thighs turn out as they now did when 3 months, actually almost 4 months ago by now.

I finally had total clarity of what I wanted and had written all of it down in exhausting detail. It all came true in an insanely accurate manner too.

We reconnected in the most serendipitous way. My intuition guided me the whole way back to you like it was always meant to be. 

Yours forever and eternally.

 

Edited August 14 by Marcel

[Marcel]

It’s becoming rarer that I put down things in written form. Mostly it’s about nightmares that bother me or writing love letters to my wife.

Most of the things I write about are resolved before I even have a chance to write about them. I have become incredibly efficient at self-analysing and identifying what it is exactly that needs fixing and just doing it. 

So. I just go about doing that and let it go. Usually works perfectly fine.

Only nightmares or love I still write frequently about. 99,9 % outside of forums.

My love letters to my wife will continue to be written eternally. These beautiful feelings I have for her and she has for me are never ending. I know it right in my heart and soul. They run deeper and grow bigger every second. The two of us are meant for each other. Me and her fit together perfectly.

The chapter of nightmares on the other hand will hopefully be closed sooner rather then later. It’s draining. Although my capacity to reenergise and recuperate is abnormal, it still pesters me quite a bit. 
 

My newest nightmares revolve around losing loved ones in all sorts of ways. From them just forgetting about me to being murdered and everything imaginable in between.

Not the most pleasant feeling to wake up with. I just hope my mind is at some point done processing whatever it needs to.

[Marcel]

Had a weird dream tonight. It seems I should open a dream journal and record all the nightmares or oddities there. 

Well not all dreams are like that, some are very beautiful and romantic.

Still. This particular one I had just now I remember the contents off very well and how unpleasant it felt. 

Not really a nightmare. Just odd. I was a kind of apprentice in what I think was a steel plant and for some reason I acted in a totally apathetic manner. 

Which is entirely unlike me. 

So much so that I got sent home at lunchtime and everyone was disappointed in me, especially because I was seemingly advertised or rather recommended to this company as some sort of prodigy but I don’t know by whom or why. 

Then I drove home and caused an accident, which lead to my head being smashed on to the steering wheel.

Then I woke up.

Not exactly sure what to make of this one. Felt all around odd and uncomfortable. 

Edited August 19 by Marcel

[Marcel]

It seems like my life has turned into listening to one intuition and then the next and next.

It’s almost like I’m being guided by an invisible hand. Not that I’m a puppet on strings. It feels like something is genuinely looking out for me and has my best interest in mind. 

People often call me an incredibly lucky person because I follow my intuition with blind faith. 

It works perfectly. Really makes you reconsider how much power actual thinking has or rather where it is supposed to be placed on the tool belt of our minds.

No doubt. Thinking is very useful. I actively and consciously think all the time.

But my intuitions / insights give me instant answers to problems that I couldn’t solve with endless thinking before or give me just a slight tap on the shoulder to push me in the right direction when needed.

“Do less, achieve more” 

I thought this was complete and utter nonsense when I heard it for the first time. But it seems my experience is now slowly validating this quote. 

Fewer Actions. Higher intensity. Full focus. 

Interesting how methods change over time. 

 

[Marcel]

Dear Suicide.

You and I. Were truly intertwined. 3 times you nearly took my life. Knives and Pills. That’s it? I’m disappointed. Your effort was immense yet I remain unimpressed. It takes more then this to make me fall for your tricks. You must be disillusioned. You’ve had me convinced nearly taking 95 sleeping pills 400mg each with alcohol. It would’ve killed me in due time. The glass to my lips, still your opportunity slipped. You must be pissed. I’m a fair competitor so I’d insist you try again but now I have my wife, so save yourself the time. I’m more then fine. Im thriving. I’m untouchable to you. Give up. Vanish and fade away. You can’t have my life and no one else’s as long as i am fighting. Finally give in. I know how to beat you and will rid the world of your incessant machinations. Savour your last minutes. I will end your yield. Your reign of terror is over. Indefinitely. I win. For me and the greater good. 

My battle with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts and attempts has swallowed half my life. 

But. All in all I’m very grateful. I’m grateful for my worst experiences, for my darkest nights and for the utter despair I was in for years on end without having any hope. 

Now I am married and successful in every metric, from health to finances and happiness .

I am proud of myself and all I truly want in life is to do good and make sure no one suffers like I did and spent every possible second together with my wife. 

I have no idea where this lifetime will take me. All I know for certain is that i am eternally committed to my sweet and gorgeous wife and will forever stay ambitious and focused on the greater good in everything I am involved in.

Excited 😊 

 

 

[Marcel]

Haven’t made any posts here in quite a while.

Don’t know why but my mind just went blank every time I tried to journal in the last couple of weeks.

Which is odd given I started two threads recently that I was able to write and respond to quite easily.

One of them has over 100 replies by now.

I have the feeling things just are beyond expressable sometimes. We all know that words can only get you so far.

Like being so deeply in love that no matter where you look in the dictionary, no word or expression does it justice.

Poetry can come close sometimes, if done well, but even there, I often feel like it just can’t quite capture the raw unadulterated nature of love or suffering.

I have become a lot more considerate and calm over the past few weeks. Choosing my words more carefully. Contemplating deeper. Consciously integrating more and more of the past, learning new concepts, meditating more etc.

All in all I’m turning a bit more silent while also being more involved.

More listening, less talking. 

Came across a Facebook post yesterday that talked about a man going on a talking fast for 17 years straight, because he had realised that he stopped listening to people. 

Not the extreme I’m looking to emulate, but there certainly is a lesson worth learning infused in this example.

 

Edited September 16 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Had my first sober enlightenment experience today.

I was watching a talk by Dr. Bruce Lipton and went for a walk afterwards.

At some point and completely out of nowhere it hit me like a ton of bricks 🧱 

I AM EVERYTHING. A profound experience of oneness. I nearly fainted it caught me so off guard.

There was a warm sensation moving through my entire body until it covered me totally and then expanded outwards.

In fact. It’s still expanding and I can still feel it almost 2 hours later.

I’m also slowly starting to feel the backlash.

My human identity is scrambling for its existence. Trying to make me pretend that I didn’t see / experience what I did. 

It’s an experience that shapes you for better or worse. Like An unlockable door that was previously completely shut has now been opened wide and stays more or less open.

The veil has been cracked indefinitely.

Anyway. To get back to my point. Actually feeling one with everything is a whole lot different then just understanding it theoretically. Worlds apart.

Direct experience really is the end all be all.

Contemplation all well and good. But Actually experiencing set contemplation is the real deal and absolutely needed for integration.

[Marcel]

I don’t feel like journaling most of the time.

My treasured approach is using my mental faculties without writing stuff down. I find it to be quite distracting, to try and formulate my thoughts while actively pondering or working through something.

I happily do it afterward, but not during.

So my journal isn’t a daily thing. More like a catalogue of results rather then the process of getting there itself.

[Marcel]

Got involved in a bit of a verbal scuffle today.

I hate to say this, but calling out a jackass online and murdering him with words and arguments is kind of fun.

Well. I started out well meaning, but he continuously called my wife „the girl who can’t protect herself from her abusers“ at some point so I shoot back a bit. 

But. That’s not a productive way of starting a Sunday morning. So. In the future our ignore lists are wide open with a minimum barrier of entry.

If someone is just outright disrespectful.

Straight to the Ranch! lol

Ignore list. Because, as this discussion has shown us, as soon as disrespect enters the picture all sense making arguments go out the window.( From the disrespectful participant of the discussion)

Not that the person in question made sense to begin with, but that’s besides the point.

So. Next time, we won’t fuel the dumpster fire that this person was and just let him burn by himself.

May he improve. I wish him the best.