Random Writing

[Marcel]

@Buck Edwards

Yes i need to start with small breaks. I’m slowly managing to flip flop between extremes less, it often was an either or effort in the past. Also I’m judging myself less, I used to be incredibly harsh on myself. 

Gentleness is still swirl in progress. 

A thing i do still very much need to work on is overthinking, can’t help my thoughts going in every possible direction at times. 

Im practicing everything you suggested, meditation is generally a challenge, mindfulness is working better. I’m journaling a bit every day right now, it feels like grabbing into fog or into the darkness and pulling out what I find after tapping around with my fingertips.

oh yeah the thought of „fixing“ myself is still quite prevalent, feelings of uselessness coming up here and there.

Im sort of drawn to everything. I love sucking up all sorts of information from every possible place. 

[Marcel]

Meditated for an hour today. I didn’t realise that I still had so much resistance in my body, to just be present. It felt amazing though.

Also I realised how often in the past I went into negative thought spirals in / after different situations, because that was the immediate concept in my subconscious. Self blaming, worthlessness and destruction.

[Buck Edwards]

@Marcel can I comment in your journal and can we become accountability partners in this journal? 

[Marcel]

9 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel can I comment in your journal and can we become accountability partners in this journal? 

Yes hun. Let’s accountability together 

[Buck Edwards]

Good job for the meditation @Marcel and I went for morning walk today. Morning started well. I need to sleep on time. Today we will spend some time together. Sunday is our time. 

             

       https://i.imgflip.com/9g3vj6.gif

@Marcel I promised myself that I will peep into the forum only twice a day and only respond to important posts. 

           

He does workout while I prep for lunch. 

             

I took a nap. 

              

@Marcel you seem to have found a new identity the cat lol. Have fun. We had a great accountability day. 

 

 

Edited Sunday at 03:49 PM by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

Did calisthenics workout Did a bit too much of it this week I feel. Muscles tightened and locked quite quickly. Could barely keep up my normal output

On to studying. Studied, napped, ate lunch, took care of household stuff.

Edited Sunday at 12:15 PM by Marcel

[Marcel]

And the best picture of the year goes to.

Its the perfect expression. I swear I want a cat like this. It’s just perfect. Cute cats fine and well, but this, this is something else.

Just imagine this beauty looking at you and putting the universe and yourself in its proper context.

I can confidently say that this is my spirit animal. I’ve never felt so identified with a picture. Success. Failure. Every conceivable emotion and circumstance, this is the all encapsulating face. 

That’s the energy I want to bring everywhere I go lmfao 

Edited Sunday at 03:53 PM by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

@Marcel @Marcel@Marcel.. Sweet love. 

Walks hand in hand with you. Hope you feel great. 

[Marcel]

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel @Marcel@Marcel.. Sweet love. 

Walks hand in hand with you. Hope you feel great. 

Woke up. Does reading, running, eats breakfast and walks to work.

*feels great looking forward to your return

[Buck Edwards]

7 hours ago, Marcel said:

feels great looking forward to your return

@Marcel

How do you feel looking at this? 

[Marcel]

3 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel

How do you feel looking at this? 

That is definitely my pov right now.

Very cute. Our assortment of pets will be near infinite soon ( I fear ) lol 

Edited Monday at 12:41 PM by Marcel

[Marcel]

It’s been a while since I slept over 10 hours.

I don’t feel quite refreshed though. Seems my mind is processing a lot. I had all sorts of dreams this night, from beautiful to bizarre to dark, a bit of everything came up. 

[Marcel]

went for a short distance run 

went for after breakfast walk 

did half an hour of push-ups 

walks to the store and procures 

 

[Marcel]

Ive started to do intermittent fasting in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I only eat one meal a day and still feel full. 

Im starting to be very conscious about my food intake. I’m not giving into any cravings. I have no desire for sweets or snacks, something me from couple of years ago would have never believed. I used to love love crisps a lot. 

The questions I asked myself changed from what do I want to what does my body actually need and it really doesn’t need a whole lot. 

Even with working and physical exercise, the amount of food I eat is relatively low. 

In a way I even enjoy when my tummy is rumbling for food a bit.  It’s oddly satisfying to have the self control to not give into it immediately and I wait. 

Fasting is giving me a lot of joy. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Should I try fasting. But I'm scared lol. Not mentally ready yet. 

Nice to see your growth. A bit jealous. 

 

Edited Wednesday at 06:33 AM by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

24 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Should I try fasting. But I'm scared lol. Not mentally ready yet. 

Nice to see your growth. A bit jealous. 

Yes you should absolutely give it a try.
You are scared? About what exactly?

Well. I guess no one is quite mentally ready for it, when not having it practiced before.

I suppose the main challenge is having cravings. The biggest tip I could give is not to guilt yourself for having and relaxing into them. Meaning. Acknowledging that they are there but not following them. It takes a bit of time to master this, but it’s definitely worth it.

The benefits I have noticed so far are more mental clarity, self control and also appreciation for food. 

In a way it’s an exercise in tolerating uncomfortable feelings and being at peace with them until they disappear and are replaced by a deeper calmness.

You can do it. You just have to figure out what works for you. One meal a day ( sometimes ) is a bit extreme I guess. 

 

 

[Marcel]

I made an important observation while working out today. It’s not my body that gives out first, it’s my mind.

I believe the reason for this is, when a Workout gets intense, muscle start aching, repetitions feel impossible, It forces the mind to be very present and grow, but if im not able to be present for any reason, it gives out and the tension diffuses into stopping the exercise instead of overcoming a limit.

 

[Marcel]

After watching Leo’s new episode I had an insight about my own behaviour in the past.

I had reasoned myself out of direct experience for a period of time when I was younger.

I distinctly remember at age 18 I refused to go out, talk to people, or to make new experiences, staying at home taking care of my mentally ill mom in hopes I could help her and thought all answers could be found in contemplation, meditation, books etc.

So I completely discounted direct experience, something I only came to realise bit by bit after I was snapped back out of that state over time. 

The amount of mental gymnastics that were involved in this undertaking was tremendous. 

I didn’t see things for what they were but through this filter I had set up, which looking back was probably a lot of avoidance and escapism, in some ways coming back to bit me, but also benefitting me.

Also. The way I studied things was very one sided, I was fascinated and obsessed with the nature of reality, god realisation etc. but entirely neglected practical life skills for quite some time.

Something I have remedied by now, but it  did very much effect my self esteem at times, when I was for example supposed to handle things like a power drill and forgot to put in the bits, giving up putting up a screw into it demoralised.

That was quite embarrassing, but also a good lesson. I overdo things often and need to readjust after collapse, embarrassment or failure.

But, the older I get these situations appear less and less, because by now I can generally see it coming before it happens and take necessary action in time.

Edited yesterday at 02:08 PM by Marcel

[Marcel]

I believe I don’t write and express myself more because I haven’t quite found and also settled into my authentic self yet.

Sometimes I write a long paragraph and after reading it delete it again, never seeing the light of day. I often don’t identify with what I write as if it came from someone else feather.

I usually like to resolve mental confusion or chaos by sitting with and observing it, without interfering, letting it run it’s course and shifting my attention to more peaceful seeds I plant in the mental garden of mind.

I used to feel that writing about it was distracting, but nowadays I slowly come to appreciate it. I do my best not to obsess about every word I choose and the sentence structures I create too much. 

[Buck Edwards]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I used to feel that writing about it was distracting, but nowadays I slowly come to appreciate it. I do my best not to obsess about every word I choose and the sentence structures I create too much. 

Great step. Watches happily as you write.