Random Writing

[Whitney Edwards]

Ok

[Marcel]

Approach Stuck. Im not talking about game.

It’s about trying something over and over again yet despite not achieving the desired end still trying the same thing, just harder, instead of rethinking the approach.

I experienced the perfect illustration of this a couple of weeks ago. A car I drove needed starting help. I don’t drive it particularly often, since it’s a work car meant to be used for specific purposes, that I need to carry out every once in a while, so I didn’t know a whole lot about this car. Other some technical details of weight and length, which I needed.

I was trying to open the hood of the car to get to the battery and for the life of me I couldn’t find the lever to open it, neither could the two people who graciously wanted to give me the starting aid with their car either. 

So we searched and searched the entire interior of the car, looking in the manual, being flabbergasted and slowly getting frustrated about why it wasn’t there and where it could possibly be.

Until another person came across this, for them probably bizarre scene and pointed out to us that there was a keyhole in the middle of the hood of the car and the only thing I needed to actually do, was to put the key in and turn it.

And sure enough. It worked. We were so busy looking for a lever that everyone overlooked the simplest solution. I wasn’t looking for a keyhole and so I literally didn’t identify it as one, even though it was right in front of my nose multiple times, while checking the hood, thinking there had to be a lever Inside the car.

Fascinating how the most mundane life situations can reveal profound principles.

 

 

 

[Marcel]

Im realising more and more that over the years I developed an intense first for knowledge and understanding but left something very important on the table. 

PRACTICE. Consistent Practice to be precise

Ive often, in the last year, found myself in situations where I could analyse very well the condition I was in and what needed to be done to fix it, but not actually doing it. 

For some reason I had turned into a sort of arm chair General that could talk a good talk about the walk, but not walking, or rather inconsistently walking it.

It’s as if a bridge in my mind wasn’t fully built, between acquiring and then also applying information or insights.

Its like having become a physical library, but not much else. 

But. The good thing about this is, now that I’ve finally awoken out of the gathering slumber I was in, it’s practice and application season and soon the rewards will be reaped. 

And having installed this once, updating the operating system, connecting the missing link, it will serve me for a lifetime and I will make damn sure to upkeep it.

 

[Marcel]

Past Results do not determine future Results.

I sometimes get stuck on past failures or things that just didn’t pan out the way I wanted it, despite my best efforts.

My biggest one is and was trying to help a family member with mental illness. 

I gave my entire life to this cause for 3 1/2 years. But instead of helping her improve, the isolation I fell into, hearing every day how bad this person feels and that she wants to die, plus the soul crushing fact that, no matter what I tried, nothing worked I fell down quite hard. 

I had to send her to a psych ward myself 5 times and blamed myself for it every time.

I thought I took accountability when I was pondering all the time what I could do better or what I’m doing wrong and never once ( for years ) realised that the person in question didn’t even want my help, but strung me along because I would spent time with and money on them.

Which is something the person even admitted to me, after years of my life being spent in this fruitless conquest. 

At least I’m not mad about anymore, but I still often struggle to not fall back into helper mode, since despite not wanting my help, I get begged for it by this family member every so often and a part of me still thinks and feels, even after all this time and experience, that there is something to be done.

Which was quite hard to let go off. 

New horizon await me. I do my best to look back with gratitude and forward with excitement. 

 

Edited January 5 by Marcel

[Marcel]

It’s weird. I always feel like bursting with creativity and wanting to create / express, at the same time I feel so stifled.

Its a very uncomfortable push and pull between wanting to create and just not getting through to it. 

Is it perfectionism? Feeling it won’t be good enough? Fear of criticism? A happy mix of all and more?

Im not trying to use up to much time in analysis and actually create more.

What I’m probably just missing is more practice and allowing myself to explore my imaginary gift. 

I’m good at coming up with things, I just tend to over analyse and over detail everything to the point of not getting anywhere.

Its time to become serious about creating.

[Whitney Edwards]

I also have to focus on action too. Too many distractions. 

[Marcel]

It continues to amaze me how deep old patterns of thought and behaviour can run.

[Whitney Edwards]

@Marcel how do you manage to be so sexy,  What's your secret, Do you mind sharing? (absolutely not meaning to embarrass you....ya know ) 

[Marcel]

17 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel how do you manage to be so sexy,  What's your secret, Do you mind sharing? (absolutely not meaning to embarrass you....ya know ) 

I’m a natural 😉 *absolutely not embarrassed.  Shines In sexiness.

My body was forged in heaven. A vessel sculpted to perfection. Ordained with innate ability that i drew upon in this lifetime. My intense insights driving me to seek out all resources and activities that enhance my divine presence. My mind sharp and gentle. Knowing the ins and outs of all mental states, diversions and possibilities of mankind. Like a masterful chess player,  manoeuvring this planet of wickedness, embracing every aspect of it with peace and love. Improving and blessing everything i touch, understanding with divine principle which buttons to press to elicit ecstasy in the one I love and adore. Being gracious and elegant in every movement I make akin to a cat escaping and trolling a pat wanting inhabitant of this earthly plane. Being ever curious about and learning more about everything in this infinite universe. Pouring everything I have into another since another is in the final analysis me. Meaning that also you are sexy of incalculable measure, just like I am. 

Edited January 7 by Marcel

[Whitney Edwards]

11 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I’m a natural 😉 *absolutely not embarrassed.  Shines In sexiness.

My body was forged in heaven. A vessel sculpted to perfection. Ordained with innate ability that i drew upon in this lifetime. My intense insights driving me to seek out all resources and activities that enhance my divine presence. My mind sharp and gentle. Knowing the ins and outs of all mental movements and diversions of mankind. Like a masterful chess player,  manoeuvring this planet of wickedness, embracing every aspect of it with peace and love. Improving everything i touch and understand with divine principle which buttons to press to elicit ecstasy in the one I love and adore.

Oh.... 

Runs to save cherries from being popped. 

 

[Marcel]

27 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Oh.... 

Runs to save cherries from being popped. 

Plot twist. The gif is actually you running towards cherries being popped in excitement rather then running away in saving attempt. Don’t kid yourself ❤️

Edited January 7 by Marcel

[Whitney Edwards]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Don’t kid yourself

Absolutely Sir. Bows to you in reverence. 

[Marcel]

3 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Absolutely Sir. Bows to you in reverence. 

Good girl* pat pat

Edited January 7 by Marcel

[Marcel]

You win. You accomplished your objective. I’m blushing so much. What a funny morning 🤣

[Marcel]

I used to have a very hard time processing anger. Still challenging, but better nowadays 

When I was growing up I was always shut down or shamed for being angry, well for showing any negative emotion really and open communication was also quite non existent.

So I bottled a lot of things up, leading to this tightrope of being enraged, feeling ashamed for it till I exploded, leading to cycles of conflict and more anger, to complete emotional breakdowns, rinse and repeat.

All of that coupled with social isolation and mental health issues in my house was quite a ride. 

It’s not particularly nice to hear „I want to die because of you“ from a parent consistently plus being manipulated by the same person to help them with the issue that I was seemingly the cause of.

Oh How I used to starve for validation and my  delusional thinking of how I would attain it. 

I was hellbent on figuring my entire life out by myself. I can’t even remember how I must have spun in circles and drove myself insane.

[Whitney Edwards]

15 hours ago, Marcel said:

I used to have a very hard time processing anger. Still challenging, but better nowadays 

When I was growing up I was always shut down or shamed for being angry, well for showing any negative emotion really and open communication was also quite non existent.

So I bottled a lot of things up, leading to this tightrope of being enraged, feeling ashamed for it till I exploded, leading to cycles of conflict and more anger, to complete emotional breakdowns, rinse and repeat.

All of that coupled with social isolation and mental health issues in my house was quite a ride. 

It’s not particularly nice to hear „I want to die because of you“ from a parent consistently plus being manipulated by the same person to help them with the issue that I was seemingly the cause of.

Oh How I used to starve for validation and my  delusional thinking of how I would attain it. 

I was hellbent on figuring my entire life out by myself. I can’t even remember how I must have spun in circles and drove myself insane.

The yellow one is you. The red one is me. 

 

Edited January 8 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

21 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

The yellow one is you. The red one is me. 

 

Us in heaven I imagine hehe 

[Marcel]

I realised I’m addicted to thinking and concepts, actively hindering me from being present and in the moment. 

Another realisation I head is that I need to stop or at minimum cut down my information intake to way lower levels and actually dig into myself. 

I keep looking for answers in books, videos, interviews, podcasts etc. I rarely stop to take a look „inside“. I’m often confused about differing advice and fail to ask myself what actually works for me. 

I need to start practicing more of the concepts I already know, instead of accumulating and contemplating them to death even more then I already have.

Ceaseless discipline is a strong suit and also a trap of mine, leading to getting stuck in destructive tendencies at times. Carefully directed I can work like a well oiled machine. 

Edited January 9 by Marcel

[Marcel]

I was quite naive when I was younger. Well 5 years go. Looking back I really didn’t have a plan, rather delusions of how things might work out. A very messy up and down.

I’m lucky to finally move out of this past cycle.

Family is a fascinating thing. We are in the world because of them, take care of and at the same time can absolutely mess us up in the process.

I truly don’t understand why most people have children, it eludes my understanding.

[Whitney Edwards]

On 09/01/2025 at 8:19 PM, Marcel said:

I realised I’m addicted to thinking and concepts, actively hindering me from being present and in the moment. 

Another realisation I head is that I need to stop or at minimum cut down my information intake to way lower levels and actually dig into myself. 

I keep looking for answers in books, videos, interviews, podcasts etc. I rarely stop to take a look „inside“. I’m often confused about differing advice and fail to ask myself what actually works for me. 

I need to start practicing more of the concepts I already know, instead of accumulating and contemplating them to death even more then I already have.

Ceaseless discipline is a strong suit and also a trap of mine, leading to getting stuck in destructive tendencies at times. Carefully directed I can work like a well oiled machine. 

I can absolutely relate! It's so easy to get caught up in the constant stream of information. I've found that even small breaks can make a huge difference. Maybe try a digital detox weekend or even just an hour a day where you completely disconnect. Self-reflection is a journey, not a destination. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process.

Your post really resonated with me. I think we often seek external validation and answers instead of trusting our own inner wisdom. It's a powerful reminder to cultivate inner peace and find fulfillment within ourselves. Journaling or mindfulness practices could help you connect with your inner voice. Lot of reflection you know. Consistent journaling. This is a great starting point for self-improvement. I'd suggest starting with a simple daily practice like meditation or spending time in nature. Gradually reduce your information intake and see how it feels. You might be surprised by the insights that emerge when you quiet the external noise. I do this kind of contemplation myself. 

While discipline is valuable, it can also become a form of control. Explore ways to cultivate a more gentle approach to yourself. Instead of focusing on 'fixing' yourself, try embracing curiosity and experimentation. What if you allowed yourself to simply be, without judgment? Do that some days. 

I've struggled with similar issues, especially with the constant need to learn. I'm trying to be more mindful of how much information I consume and focus on applying what I already know.

What specific concepts are you most drawn to? What does 'practicing' those concepts look like for you? Make that picture. 

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards