Random Writing

[Marcel]

Anxiety has been keeping quite a hold of me in the last couple of days. 

I hope it passes soon the same way it arrived, without warning.

[Buck Edwards]

 

.. 

Edited November 14 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

It’s funny looking back at old seemingly insurmountable challenges at times and thinking: „I struggled with that“?! 

Life is like shifting from one trance to the next, an infinite unfoldment of never ending possibilities until becoming the master puppeteer of consciousness and beyond. 

This life time is very promising. I can’t possible imagine the heights I will rise to. 

[Marcel]

More and more I’m realising the need to make new and more different experiences. 

I made a new experience yesterday evening that had a deep impact on me, which made a lot of lightbulbs turn bright. 

In the last couple of years I was so busy dealing with family issues, reading books / watching educational videos, taking notes on and contemplating them, that I completely missed actually living in a deliberate, involved and conscious way ( outside of my family life )

I don’t regret that at all, since now that I’m starting to actually live my own life more and more I have a very deep appreciation and gratitude for it, that I otherwise probably wouldn’t have. 

All in All. The turbulences in my life are slowly decreasing and it’s turning into a smooth flight. Every morning I’m excited a new, despite the humongous hurdle that my psyche is at times.

 

 

[Marcel]

Blank day, again … 

It does annoy me that this keeps happening and not understanding what triggers it.

Sometimes it’s surpassed just by starting to write in a „stream of consciousness“ way even when not knowing where or how to begin and other times, like today, it doesn’t really get me far either. 

[Marcel]

For some reason I have started participating in the forum a bit again. Well I typed out a couple of replies to a thread my wife had commented on.

I don’t know if I will keep it up or not. It’s not really stimulating to me anymore. 

Id rather contemplate myself most of the time, finding and healing all the potential kinks in my system. 

The other day I read a quote that blew me away, because it’s completely correct.

“You’re only enemy is your own ignorance” 

We as humans are largely ignorant, sometimes blissfully, sometimes wilfully, largely unconsciously of pretty much everything in the cosmos.

Which also ties in with the topic of forgiveness, reminding me of this age old quote:

”Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do” 

I feel as if all the metaphorical dots, that I can currently perceive of, are connecting and aligning on an ever more deeper and nuanced level. 

I can’t wait for what’s next.

 

 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

Today I realised that I have more work to do. 

There are still situations that can make me furiously angry. I’m not saying anger is wrong or that I shouldn’t have the right to feel angry, especially when loved ones get hurt. 

But. I want to stay in control emotionally no matter what happens or what I am being told. 

Composure. I’m not trying to become an emotionless robot. I want to be able to feel and transmute any emotion at will.

Especially anger, because it’s so potent. Anger is a powerful fuel and I will use it effectively to create the kind of situation I envision. 

I sometimes forgot how awful some people can act. I often make the mistake of thinking that just because I wouldn’t do something someone else wouldn’t as well, yet there’s always the possibility of evil beyond my comprehension or expectations.

I need to broaden my scope in both directions of human activity. 

Increase my potentiality for good and evil. I have to be able to imagine more then the worst monsters to stay one step ahead of them. I have to be able to imagine more then most graceful angels to do even more good.

All sides of human potential contain wisdom and I am more then willing to learn and pick the gold from every perspective that offers itself to me. 

[Buck Edwards]

Dedicated to my husband. 

[Marcel]

13 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Dedicated to my husband. 

Beautiful 😍 

[Marcel]

Ignorance is a very interesting entity in the sense making process of humankind. 

Either you can acknowledge and transcend or double down and entrench yourself in it. 

Copious amounts of growth or stagnation can be had depending on which route one takes.

I’m very careful drawing definitive conclusions on any topic, because it can easily lead to stumbling blocks to further, deeper, actual, accurate and more precise understanding.

As someone mentioned in a thread I currently participate in. You need a baseline theory.

Absolutely. You need to make decisions somehow, yet this baseline theory better be very well questioned and meditated upon, every possible blindspot needs to be highlighted, checked on biases and assumptions extensively, groupthink, rationalisations, straight up misunderstandings etc. 

The ultimate question is: „How can you definitively know what is the case in any given topic“?

Which is not nearly as simple to arrive at as some people naively assume. 

How can you definitively know? 

How can you make sure you do not delude yourself in the process?

 

 

 

Edited November 22 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

Cat cow. 

 

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Cat cow. 

 

A very faithful recreation with an added flavour of flowers, hills, trees, a windmill and a barn.

It’s so good 😊 

 

Edited November 23 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Some people double down on ignorance.

Some people actually reflect and transcend it.

[Marcel]

How do you know when you have actually understood something? How can you rule out any form of misunderstanding?

How could you prevent yourself from being completely offtrack and deluded and at what point are you just starting to doubt yourself and your results, if they were ( in this hypothetical ) sound, but possibly largely rejected in the public domain and you are labelled a lunatic ?

Is the cost of truth worth it?

 

 

Edited November 23 by Marcel

[Marcel]

I made a massive mistake.

Through not communicating my issues, because I was embarrassed about them and thinking I can solve them myself and couldn’t I hurt someone very dear to me.

Worst mistake I made in a whole while.

This taught me a very valuable lesson. I have to tell the truth and be completely open, especially about difficult things, as soon as possible, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing it might be. 

I am blessed. My wife is very understanding and this gives me the strength to do as I stated above from now and in the future. 

Moving completely together.

[Marcel]

Yesterday was seemingly the worst day ever and then turned out to be the best day ever.

Sometimes things do really need to fall apart to fall into place. Everything is better then ever.

Im so happy and grateful.

[Buck Edwards]

Blue you pink me

[Marcel]

5 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Blue you pink me

So cute 🥰 

I love how you made them cheeky hun 

And the haircut is 10/10 😄

[Marcel]

It’s incredible how hard beating old patterns is at times.

Stuff I have seemingly fixed resurfaces at the worst conceivable moment and time periods.

Seems this episode was necessary to finally break this particular self destructive tendency.

Edited Wednesday at 05:33 PM by Marcel

[Marcel]

Whenever I think I understand the depths of manipulation I am taught a masterclass.

Its incredible how a person can switch, seemingly within minutes. 

I greatly need to increase my capacity and understanding of evil, every form of it.

I thought I was already set up well, but life taught me im woefully underprepared.

The problems is that someone rotten to the core can conceive of plans you can’t. Their imagination goes further. They have a deeper reach into hell. Their senses are wilder, more beastly and you don’t know how much you underestimate this aspect until you are already trapped in the spiders net. 

Appearances be what they may, life has proven to me again and again that healthy paranoia is absolutely a quality worth having, developing, sharpening and mastering.

You don’t know how vulnerable you are, until you actually think it through. We are so easily attackable from every conceivable angle.