Random Writing

[Marcel]

Anxiety has been keeping quite a hold of me in the last couple of days. 

I hope it passes soon the same way it arrived, without warning.

[Buck Edwards]

 

.. 

Edited November 14 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

It’s funny looking back at old seemingly insurmountable challenges at times and thinking: „I struggled with that“?! 

Life is like shifting from one trance to the next, an infinite unfoldment of never ending possibilities until becoming the master puppeteer of consciousness and beyond. 

This life time is very promising. I can’t possible imagine the heights I will rise to. 

[Marcel]

More and more I’m realising the need to make new and more different experiences. 

I made a new experience yesterday evening that had a deep impact on me, which made a lot of lightbulbs turn bright. 

In the last couple of years I was so busy dealing with family issues, reading books / watching educational videos, taking notes on and contemplating them, that I completely missed actually living in a deliberate, involved and conscious way ( outside of my family life )

I don’t regret that at all, since now that I’m starting to actually live my own life more and more I have a very deep appreciation and gratitude for it, that I otherwise probably wouldn’t have. 

All in All. The turbulences in my life are slowly decreasing and it’s turning into a smooth flight. Every morning I’m excited a new, despite the humongous hurdle that my psyche is at times.

 

 

[Marcel]

Blank day, again … 

It does annoy me that this keeps happening and not understanding what triggers it.

Sometimes it’s surpassed just by starting to write in a „stream of consciousness“ way even when not knowing where or how to begin and other times, like today, it doesn’t really get me far either. 

[Marcel]

For some reason I have started participating in the forum a bit again. Well I typed out a couple of replies to a thread my wife had commented on.

I don’t know if I will keep it up or not. It’s not really stimulating to me anymore. 

Id rather contemplate myself most of the time, finding and healing all the potential kinks in my system. 

The other day I read a quote that blew me away, because it’s completely correct.

“You’re only enemy is your own ignorance” 

We as humans are largely ignorant, sometimes blissfully, sometimes wilfully, largely unconsciously of pretty much everything in the cosmos.

Which also ties in with the topic of forgiveness, reminding me of this age old quote:

”Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do” 

I feel as if all the metaphorical dots, that I can currently perceive of, are connecting and aligning on an ever more deeper and nuanced level. 

I can’t wait for what’s next.

 

 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

Today I realised that I have more work to do. 

There are still situations that can make me furiously angry. I’m not saying anger is wrong or that I shouldn’t have the right to feel angry, especially when loved ones get hurt. 

But. I want to stay in control emotionally no matter what happens or what I am being told. 

Composure. I’m not trying to become an emotionless robot. I want to be able to feel and transmute any emotion at will.

Especially anger, because it’s so potent. Anger is a powerful fuel and I will use it effectively to create the kind of situation I envision. 

I sometimes forgot how awful some people can act. I often make the mistake of thinking that just because I wouldn’t do something someone else wouldn’t as well, yet there’s always the possibility of evil beyond my comprehension or expectations.

I need to broaden my scope in both directions of human activity. 

Increase my potentiality for good and evil. I have to be able to imagine more then the worst monsters to stay one step ahead of them. I have to be able to imagine more then most graceful angels to do even more good.

All sides of human potential contain wisdom and I am more then willing to learn and pick the gold from every perspective that offers itself to me.