Random Writing

[Marcel]

Feel very demotivated and low energy today. 

In the last couple of weeks I barely have a sense of hunger or feeling full. 

Either I don’t eat anything at all or too much,  the latter I only start feeling the next day.

Its been quite a battle with my Psyche the last 7 days. I’m making progress at least. 

Breaking free from my home situation is a whole lot more difficult then I thought. It keeps sucking me back in and when I’m not there for an extended period of time I get a mental breakdown. 

Slow and steady wins the race. I’m so looking forward to consistently being able to be away from home without it impacting me in this manner.

[Marcel]

Today i realised that my self talk is so brutally negative and destructive. 

It’s really in the need of an overhaul. I beat myself up for making mistakes quite harshly, even for potential mistakes I didn’t even make at times, just because I did it inefficiently.

And the classic beating yourself up because you are beating yourself up.

It’s such a toxic whirlwind at times.

 

 

 

 

[Yimpa]

@Marcel great observation. I deal with that issue myself.

[Marcel]

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life tonight and somehow I’m happy about it to be honest.

In a way it forced me to face my worst fears, insecurities and inadequacies. 

My nightmares are very vivid. So I woke up paralysed with fear, weak, speechless and terrified. 

But after 2 hours have passed now and talking to my wonderful wife. I’m starting to feel very positive about this experience. 

These were my worst fears and well their impact has already passed, voluntarily at that.

So, this realisation is slowly giving me a completely rekindled spirit after feeling quite broken for a good hour after waking up.

 

[Buck Edwards]

4 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life tonight and somehow I’m happy about it to be honest.

In a way it forced me to face my worst fears, insecurities and inadequacies. 

My nightmares are very vivid. So I woke up paralysed with fear, weak, speechless and terrified. 

But after 2 hours have passed now and talking to my wonderful wife. I’m starting to feel very positive about this experience. 

These were my worst fears and well their impact has already passed, voluntarily at that.

So, this realisation is slowly giving me a completely rekindled spirit after feeling quite broken for a good hour after waking up.

 

Positive affirmations. Uplifting music. Asmr. Bunch of emotional work and you'll get there. You need fresh air hun. 

[Marcel]

9 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Positive affirmations. Uplifting music. Asmr. Bunch of emotional work and you'll get there. You need fresh air hun. 

Yeah. The emotional work is a lot right now. 

Going for a walk and fresh air really is very useful, movement in general is fantastic. 

[Buck Edwards]

20 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Yeah. The emotional work is a lot right now. 

Going for a walk and fresh air really is very useful, movement in general is fantastic. 

Yep. I feel great when you walk. 

[Marcel]

Feeling quite overwhelmed today.

I‘ll leave it at that for now. Don’t quite know what to type. At least I kept up my daily journal entry. 

Persistence is everything.

[Marcel]

My mind tends to go blank when I try to journal. It feels somewhat like writers block.

I‘ve deliberately tried to be in the present moment as much as I can in the last couple of days and quickly realised that i can barely do so.

My mind wanders off quite quickly and goes into avoidance and distractions. It’s quite painful to just be present at times.

[Buck Edwards]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

My mind wanders off quite quickly and goes into avoidance and distractions. It’s quite painful to just be present at times.

Practice mindfulness and focus. 

[Marcel]

I find the newest conspiracy theory of some people, who genuinely seem to believe that my wife is a guy, incredibly hilarious.

🤣

Every time I think some people on this forum couldn't possibly become any more stupid, they still somehow magically manage to exceed my already sky high expectations.

Incredible. 

Edited November 10 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I find the newest conspiracy of some people who genuinely seem to believe that my wife is a guy incredibly hilarious.

🤣

Every time I think some people on this forum couldn't possibly become stupider, they still somehow magically manage to exceed my already sky high expectations.

Incredible. 

I simply block those people. There's no point in arguing with them. 

I'm seriously tired of telling the forum THAT I AM A FUCKING WOMAN. 

So sick of conspiracies against me. 

 

Edited November 10 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

6 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I simply block those people. There's no point in arguing with them. 

Me too hun. You know my policy when it comes to interacting with clowns.

*Straight to the dark dungeon that is my ignore list, with no chance of parole

 

Edited November 10 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

This is my favorite food. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Marcel]

It’s somewhat cold outside. 4 degrees Celsius.

I love being in the cold ( for a bit ) and then returning back to the warmth. 

 

[Marcel]

Nothing came to mind today. 

Feels like writers block on steroids.

Wonder why I tend to go completely blank when trying to journal recently 

[Marcel]

The obsession some people on this forum have with my wife is fascinating.

Some very curious creatures ( well, apparently one less now lmfao ) frequent  this website at times. It continues to amaze me. 

Im grateful for every person that behaves in an odd or even unhinged way ( online ) so I can observe their mind functioning from a distance and being in awe of its protocol.

Its just so fascinating. The way some people „reason“ , assume, project and the come to the wildest conclusions, while being utterly self-biased and endlessly stuck in one behaviour and communication style or the other, without ever improving. 

It genuinely intrigues me to understand how they came to be that way, what their daily life looks like, their general level of peace and happiness. Their family structure, education, current and past environment, friends, activities they pursue, life purpose etc.

To me both complete idiots and enlightened masters are interesting. There’s a lot to be learned on both sides of human potential. 
 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

3 minutes ago, Marcel said:

their general level of peace and happiness.

They are miserable and their general peace and happiness is shit. They talk about personal development when all they do is remain stuck in their bubble of judgement and delusion. If I'm stuck in their head, they are having me rent free, so much for personal development lmao. 

 

[Marcel]

10 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

They are miserable and their general peace and happiness is shit. They talk about personal development when all they do is remain stuck in their bubble of judgement and delusion. If I'm stuck in their head, they are having me rent free, so much for personal development lmao. 

 

Fair enough. Seems accurate. Beyond the words I read I always do my best to pick up the feelings behind them and that’s about what it amounts to more or less.