Random Writing

[Marcel]

Went on a nice hike with my aunt and uncle today. 9,6 km. 4 hours walking time.

I’ve never hiked before, so I absolutely underestimated it, because of the hundreds of meters of altitude that we traversed up and back down. 

All around a very nice experience. 

Probably gonna feel that and we‘ll hike some more tomorrow, so that’ll be fun. 

My legs, please have mercy on me lmao 

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Marcel said:

Went on a nice hike with my aunt and uncle today. 9,6 km. 4 hours walking time.

I’ve never hiked before, so I absolutely underestimated it, because of the hundreds of meters of altitude that we traversed up and back down. 

All around a very nice experience. 

Probably gonna feel that and we‘ll hike some more tomorrow, so that’ll be fun. 

My legs, please have mercy on me lmao 

[Marcel]

Did a bit of housekeeping on my account today and deleted old posts I was not satisfied with. 

Really only the kept the ones in my own or my wife’s journal or interactions between me and my wife. 

This forum has served me well in the past, nowadays I basically don’t use it anymore.

This reminds of how Leo somewhere said that „Actualized.org is designed so you can stop using it one day“. I’m paraphrasing.

That seems to indeed be the case, at least for me. 

[Buck Edwards]

13 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Did a bit of housekeeping on my account today and deleted old posts I was not satisfied with. 

Really only the kept the ones in my own or my wife’s journal or interactions between me and my wife. 

This forum has served me well in the past, nowadays I basically don’t use it anymore.

This reminds of how Leo somewhere said that „Actualized.org is designed so you can stop using it one day“. I’m paraphrasing.

That seems to indeed be the case, at least for me. 

I love you. 

[Buck Edwards]

15 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Did a bit of housekeeping on my account today and deleted old posts I was not satisfied with. 

Really only the kept the ones in my own or my wife’s journal or interactions between me and my wife. 

This forum has served me well in the past, nowadays I basically don’t use it anymore.

This reminds of how Leo somewhere said that „Actualized.org is designed so you can stop using it one day“. I’m paraphrasing.

That seems to indeed be the case, at least for me. 

You are my wonderful angel husband. Thank you for everything you do for me. I'm eternally grateful to you. 

[Marcel]

9 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

You are my wonderful angel husband. Thank you for everything you do for me. I'm eternally grateful to you

I love you.

I love you 🥰 

Always and Forever hun 

My wonderful wife ❤️

 

[Marcel]

Im always putting off journaling thinking I need to formulate some perfect post every time. 

Not literally everything I write has to revolve around groundbreaking insights. It’s exhausting being in a constant state of contemplation and integration.

I need to allow myself more fun or to just do nothing and relax at times. I genuinely have a hard time relaxing and taking breaks. I never feel like I do enough.

I take everything so seriously. 

*Note to self: Relax, chill, take it easy 

 

[Buck Edwards]

18 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Im always putting off journaling thinking I need to formulate some perfect post every time. 

Not literally everything I write has to revolve around groundbreaking insights. It’s exhausting being in a constant state of contemplation and integration.

I need to allow myself more fun or to just do nothing and relax at times. I genuinely have a hard time relaxing and taking breaks. I never feel like I do enough.

I take everything so seriously. 

*Note to self: Relax, chill, take it easy 

 

Chill Bill. Journal your emotions sometimes rather than just insights. 

 

[Marcel]

On 30.10.2024 at 10:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Chill Bill. Journal your emotions sometimes rather than just insights. 

Yeah. It’s just that I’m emotionally all over the place. To use the same example I used a couple of weeks ago, it’s like a cat playing with a wool ball and trying to put it into writing just makes my mind go blank at the moment. 

[Buck Edwards]

4 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Yeah. It’s just that I’m emotionally all over the place. To use the same example I used a couple of weeks ago, it’s like a cat playing with a wool ball and trying to put it into writing just makes my mind go blank at the moment. 

If you habitually note down your emotions regularly, you'll get a pattern of having a grip over your emotions over time and you'll begin to notice all of your emotional patterns too. Try it. 

[Marcel]

On 31.10.2024 at 10:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If you habitually note down your emotions regularly, you'll get a pattern of having a grip over your emotions over time and you'll begin to notice all of your emotional patterns too. Try it. 

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball.

I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday evening plus the subsequent nightmares last night.

Upset, stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming.

It often feels like pressure in my head.

 

Edited November 1 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball.

I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday even plus the subsequent nightmares last night.

Upset,stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming.

It feels like pressure in my head often. 

 

Yea I understand that pressure. 

[Marcel]

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them.

Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up.

My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol 

Well often. Not always, but still hehe 

 

Edited November 1 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

9 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them.

Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up.

My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol 

Well often. Not always, but still hehe 

 

Lol.

[Marcel]

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately.

Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought.

I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. 

I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol 

Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. 

I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

[Buck Edwards]

21 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately.

Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought.

I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. 

I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol 

Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. 

I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

You can write one thought at a time so there's more clarity hun. 

[Marcel]

2 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

You can write one thought at a time so there's more clarity hun. 

Well that’s the thing. To me it feels like I have a million different thoughts at once.

Mental woolball 🧶

Edited November 4 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Im having the strangest experience right now.

I feel madly in love and also deeply suicidal at the same time. Not suicidal in a dark, but somehow in a beautiful way.I don’t really know how to word it.

 It’s euphoric. Ive never in my life felt like this before. I have nothing to compare it to. All words lose their meaning in the face of this grandios experience, which, despite the severe mental pain I’m experiencing, is amazing.

Nothing I’ve ever experienced or read about is similar to this sensation. Incredible 

Edited November 4 by Marcel

[Marcel]

Im just absolutely astounded right now 

[Marcel]

Keeping up the daily journaling.

I feel demotivated which is quite unlike me.

I feel quite lost in this particular phase of my life. I’ve cared for everyone else in my family and keeping everything together, neglecting my own life in the process.

So. Now that my life actually starts to revolve around me. I continuously realise that I basically don’t know myself.

What do I like? What do I want to do? Where do I want to travel too? What type of activities do I enjoy? What is my life purpose? 

And on And on my head is exploding with questions about myself, that have been unanswered and swept under the rug for a very long time.

For the longest time I literally felt guilty even thinking about myself. It’s as if a developed a „self“ shadow lol

Very liberating and Very uncomfortable process to go through. Living my own life. 

I barely know what to do on most days. 

 

Edited November 5 by Marcel