Filling The Awkward Silences In Conversations

[OhHiMark]

I made a topic a few months back about troubles in making conversations with some people feel less awkward and I'm amazed at what I found;

The reason why the conversations were awkward is because "I" was the one who would jump in, ask the questions and generally take control of a conversation to save any awkwardness. Making Life for the other person very easy.

It all makes sense now. If you're confident and happy within yourself, you don't need to say anything if you have nothing to say. But there I was, jumping at the chance to close down any silences. Not anymore.

As much as I wasn't a fan of the book "48 Laws Of Power" there's a great point which says something like "By not talking, the other people will feel the awkwardness and do anything to fill the silences, usually by saying some bullshit about their personal Lives"

This is very true. How many times have you mentioned the weather? Or How you cannot wait for the day at work to end?

With actual people I enjoy conversing with, there's no thought process to our conversation, it flows.

I listen to other people's conversations, they're as bad as I was "Nice weather, how's your day, how's your weekend".

When I  now use the above with other people who usually conversation would fall flat, they have nothing to say, it's just that I was making them look like Shakespearean conversationalists by making myself look anxious and insecure. It's also fun.

 

Edited April 23, 2017 by OhHiMark

[egoeimai]

Yeah it is some kind of anxiety. I used to have this too,and I had the same epiphany one day! Really you dont have to say anything,as If other people are funny and not boring? Hell no. Everyone has their pros and cons.

[Shin]

^^

This is the thing I like to do the most nowadays, it's just so funny how much people can't stand silence, when you're like "oh silence, NICE !"

Silence can be the most beautiful thing in a conversation, because it's when eyes really meet, especially when you're with your intimate ones, such a shame so few people likes it.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Shin

[OhHiMark]

15 hours ago, egoeimai said:

Yeah it is some kind of anxiety. I used to have this too,and I had the same epiphany one day! Really you dont have to say anything,as If other people are funny and not boring? Hell no. Everyone has their pros and cons.

 

15 hours ago, Shin said:

^^

This is the thing I like to do the most nowadays, it's just so funny how much people can't stand silence, when you're like "oh silence, NICE !"

Silence can be the most beautiful thing in a conversation, because it's when eyes really meet, especially when you're with your intimate ones, such a shame so few people likes it.

I think this is a great way for going out of your comfort zone, it takes no effort and you get real time feedback (That feeling you NEED to say something, anything to stop the awkwardness)

I saw this on Buzzfeed the other day which made me laugh, it's so true. But it goes to show, we go against what we believe to make a situation less uncomfortable even though at the time it does feel like we hate ourselves, which cannot be good for the soul.

 

[philosogi]

16 hours ago, OhHiMark said:

I saw this on Buzzfeed the other day which made me laugh, it's so true. But it goes to show, we go against what we believe to make a situation less uncomfortable even though at the time it does feel like we hate ourselves, which cannot be good for the soul.

 

hahaha yeah. I went through a phase where I'd break the game and tell people that I don't like talking about the weather, or that I don't like small talk. That didn't go over very well; it just made other people anxious which in turn made me more anxious. So I decided to play the game again. Now it's more fun. But still difficult to remember when there are a lot of people involved in the interaction.

[OhHiMark]

15 hours ago, philosogi said:

hahaha yeah. I went through a phase where I'd break the game and tell people that I don't like talking about the weather, or that I don't like small talk. That didn't go over very well; it just made other people anxious which in turn made me more anxious. So I decided to play the game again. Now it's more fun. But still difficult to remember when there are a lot of people involved in the interaction.

That's definitely breaking the game ha. We're not programmed to react against that I guess.

I just dislike when both of us are talking bullshit for the sake of niceties. The gym is a fine example "Hey, what are you working on today" I don't care what they're working on, so I'm not being true to myself.

I also think what Leo says is very true "Do what's emotionally hardest" What's emotionally hardest is not asking someone how their day is when you don't care and just want to fit it. Emotionally hardest is to walk past with a smile, say hi then move along. If it's someone you're genuinely interested in you make time for them, anyone else is a distraction.

 

[philosogi]

1 minute ago, OhHiMark said:

That's definitely breaking the game ha. We're not programmed to react against that I guess.

I just dislike when both of us are talking bullshit for the sake of niceties. The gym is a fine example "Hey, what are you working on today" I don't care what they're working on, so I'm not being true to myself.

I also think what Leo says is very true "Do what's emotionally hardest" What's emotionally hardest is not asking someone how their day is when you don't care and just want to fit it. Emotionally hardest is to walk past with a smile, say hi then move along. If it's someone you're genuinely interested in you make time for them, anyone else is a distraction.

 

Why is that emotionally hardest? 

[Shin]

 @philosogi     If you aren't confident and grounded, you'll have to deal with rejection/negativity from people.

No one knows what introversion is, they just assume you're shy or arrogant, not that you function differently
Even if you explain it, most of the time they think you're bullshitting them, that you try to lie about you despising them, which is not the case most of the time.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Shin

[philosogi]

@Shin Is introversion a thing? Or just another label we've created to try to understand each other? 

[Shin]

12 minutes ago, philosogi said:

@Shin Is introversion a thing? Or just another label we've created to try to understand each other? 

Definitely a thing, I tried everything to see if I could turn into an extrovert, it is impossible.
Some people might think they are introvert, but they are just shy and have social anxiety.

It is hard to say if someone is introvert or not, unless they deeply explain how they feel during specific group meeting/while they are alone.
Most people would never do that if they are shy or have anxiety, so only them can know that, by doing introspection.

There is a lot of people who are ambivert though, which is the middleground.

 

A book to read if you feel like you might be an introvert (just do some tests on google), it is so important for your mental well-being to read it:

The introvert advantage

Others books you could read about it :

• Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie A. Helgoe (Jul 1, 2008)
• Self-Promotion for Introverts: The Quiet Guide to Getting Ahead by Nancy Ancowitz (Oct 16, 2009)
• Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh (Oct 27, 2009)

Edited April 25, 2017 by Shin

[OhHiMark]

45 minutes ago, philosogi said:

Why is that emotionally hardest? 

At that point in time, when I engaging with someone I have not a lot of interest in, I'll spurt out some random rubbish like "the weather" to overcome any awkwardness. But by doing what's emotionally hardest and there for most beneficial in this situation, I gain a lot more self respect and grow as a person. Even in a small encounter.

It's usually the emotionally hard things that are true to us and feel most beneficial. Asking about the weather is easy, asking for an extra sausage with the chance of looking greedy is not (I eat a lot okay) but the later is much more beneficial and I grow from it.

Edited April 25, 2017 by OhHiMark

[philosogi]

2 hours ago, OhHiMark said:

At that point in time, when I engaging with someone I have not a lot of interest in, I'll spurt out some random rubbish like "the weather" to overcome any awkwardness. But by doing what's emotionally hardest and there for most beneficial in this situation, I gain a lot more self respect and grow as a person. Even in a small encounter.

It's usually the emotionally hard things that are true to us and feel most beneficial. Asking about the weather is easy, asking for an extra sausage with the chance of looking greedy is not (I eat a lot okay) but the later is much more beneficial and I grow from it.

So doing the more beneficial thing in a situation is emotionally hardest? But why?

[OhHiMark]

1 hour ago, philosogi said:

So doing the more beneficial thing in a situation is emotionally hardest? But why?

When you're in a situation that calls for a decision, the easy decision (I find) is usually the one that protects the fragile ego, the hard decision is the one that makes me grow. i.e my above example of asking about the weather, that's the easy route, the emotionally hard route for that moment (but beneficial) is smiling and moving along or keeping quiet because I genuinely have nothing to say, anything else and I'm conforming to society about niceties and lying to myself by ignoring true feelings. By staying true I grow as a person and stay true to inner emotions. Drastic I know.

Edit: For me, I've wired my brain to taking the path of least resistance.

Talking to someone I don't want to talk to

1. Easy route - talk to them

2. Emotionally hard choice is to not fuck around with small talk if I don't feel like it and to the and embrace the negative emotion from the hurt ego.

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by OhHiMark

[philosogi]

 

1 hour ago, OhHiMark said:

When you're in a situation that calls for a decision, the easy decision (I find) is usually the one that protects the fragile ego, the hard decision is the one that makes me grow. i.e my above example of asking about the weather, that's the easy route, the emotionally hard route for that moment (but beneficial) is smiling and moving along or keeping quiet because I genuinely have nothing to say, anything else and I'm conforming to society about niceties and lying to myself by ignoring true feelings. By staying true I grow as a person and stay true to inner emotions. Drastic I know.

Edit: For me, I've wired my brain to taking the path of least resistance.

Talking to someone I don't want to talk to

1. Easy route - talk to them

2. Emotionally hard choice is to not fuck around with small talk if I don't feel like it and to the and embrace the negative emotion from the hurt ego.

So the anxiety about what you think society asks of you and wanting to fulfill that?

I have felt pressured by what I perceive as societal expectations of nicety, only I was (am) unable to fulfill them. So in your example, this is me:

1. Difficult route A - talk to them; fulfill societal expectations
2. Difficult route B - act how I feel; contravene societal expectations

My steam valve ended up being pretending to be oblivious, angry, or sad so that no one would expect me to talk to them. ha!

[philosogi]

Unfortunately then it became truer and truer.

[OhHiMark]

8 hours ago, philosogi said:

 

So the anxiety about what you think society asks of you and wanting to fulfill that?

I have felt pressured by what I perceive as societal expectations of nicety, only I was (am) unable to fulfill them. So in your example, this is me:

1. Difficult route A - talk to them; fulfill societal expectations
2. Difficult route B - act how I feel; contravene societal expectations

My steam valve ended up being pretending to be oblivious, angry, or sad so that no one would expect me to talk to them. ha!

Oops, I should have said "not conforming" It's doing what society expect that is the easy thing. Go to a 9-5, ask about the weather, don't do anything remotely dangerous i.e start a business. By the doing the opposite you're challenging yourself every time and growing

I think everyone is pressured which is why we get these awkward funny small talk situations.  For someone in that situation who doesn't want this, they can end the conversation but what I find I do, is carry it on for longer than necessary. Now if I don't feel like talking I'll end it.

 

I'm trying to find Leo's video on something similar. Found it - 

 

Edited April 26, 2017 by OhHiMark

[pluto]

All is Mind.