To not forget who I really am

[Sine]

I keep seeing Nav on the streets and around the neighborhood, which isn't so strange since our apartments are only about 500 meters apart. Each time is challenging, though. There's a part of me that hopes to run into him, but another part is scared and sad, always hoping he won't see me. The first time it happened since our last text messages, he ignored me, so I did the same even though I was about to say hi. I feel a lot of shame when I sense how angry he is. The way he looks at me makes me feel like I'm disgusting and wrong. At the same time, my heart races. Passion and fear are weirdly similar. It's twisted. 

It happened again today. I was selling clothes at a flea market with my friend Aurora and some of her friends. We hadn't talked in so long, and I was nervous about going, but it ended up being really nice. The past two days, I've been feeling compressed, really alone. At the flea market with the others, I felt energized by the sun and just being part of the girls' group. I thought about selling and buying stuff like that for fun, as a sort of energy exchange. It felt like I had been empty but then got filled up again. I felt more okay about myself, like I'm an okay person after all. Then, while I was in the middle of selling one of my items, Aurora grabbed my arm and whispered that she just saw Nav. I felt my heart race so much I got dizzy. I avoided looking; I only saw the corner of his shirt and the friend he was with, and I felt so many feelings at the same time. He just walked away, of course. In one way, I hoped he saw me, and in another way, I hoped he didn't. I felt sad afterward because of all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with seeing him, and also frustrated because the flea market was in a completely different part of the city. 

The thing is, and why I'm writing this post now, is because I had an insight that really helped me when I was on my way home afterward. I listened to a YouTube video of Bashar, where he says that other people are other-selves. Of course, I know that intellectually, but suddenly it just clicked that I could choose to see Nav not as an actual person but more like this ghost thing that mirrors something inside me that feels anger towards itself, isn't accepting of itself, thinks it's a slut and all wrong and all messed up. I realized that the only reason I'm so torn apart by what he thinks and feels about me is because I'm also thinking and feeling those things about myself. It felt easier and more possible to deal with when I saw it as something inside myself instead of being stuck in wishing I could change his opinions and beliefs. 

It was simple, but it helped me out of the victim mindset, so I'm really grateful I had that insight. I thought I would put it here if I needed to be reminded again. I'll try to stay on that track because I know who I am in my innermost being. Sometimes all the mess, relationships, and feelings just confuse me. 

[Sine]

Choice

I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances. There are so many possible ways to look at things. I don’t want to keep choosing negative beliefs and viewpoints. I want to be more trusting and compassionate towards myself and towards how things are.

It is possible that I can simply choose to be happy about the breakup. I could be super happy and grateful and feel like dancing. Not because of all the stories, and maybe I don’t even have to remind myself of the bad things or compare the bad things to the good things.

Maybe, if I truly believe in God and that everything is Love, then these things must happen for my highest good and for the will of God and for Love's expansion. I want to choose to see it that way. Not arrogantly scheming about how it would have been better if things were different. Because I don’t know what the best is. I don’t have the overall picture of anything.

I want to be better at surrendering and just concentrate on what I can do with what I have. I don't want to dwell on the past or fear the future. I really want to.

[Sine]

DBT exercise

 

Recently I did an exercise from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that helped me realize how I often get stuck in negative self-talk and suicidal ideation because I don’t allow myself to feel better, even though I have the tools to help myself. Instead of comforting myself when I’m sad, I tend to punish myself, holding onto the pain rather than releasing it. Here’s a simplified account of my experience with the exercise:

 

Describe the problematic behavior:

Suicidal thoughts and hateful thoughts about myself. Dwelling on these negative thoughts instead of confronting my feelings and allowing myself to move past them. This behavior keeps me trapped in a cycle of pain and resistance to life’s (and my emotions) inevitable changes, never letting myself of the hook.

 

What triggered it?

I was in a neighborhood where I had spent a lot of time with Nav. This setting reminded me of the good things about our relationship, evoking feelings of sadness and loneliness. My emotional response shifted to anger, frustration at myself for still feeling this way. So, the sadness triggered the anger and the self-hate.

 

Where you vulnerable to begin with?

Yes, I hadn’t eaten properly, spent the weekend in uncomfortable situations, and was in the luteal phase of my menstrual cycle which makes me more prone to feeling sad and tired. Additionally, I felt ashamed about some other thing that had happened earlier that day.

 

Important realizations:

Through this exercise, I realized that my behavior, even when not involving physical self-harm, was still a form of self-harm. By refusing to let myself feel good after experiencing sadness and not engaging in self-loving behaviors, I was perpetuating my own suffering. This recognition highlighted the importance of self-compassion and today I’ve felt more motivated towards life and a bit more hopeful. Like I want to fight back when an inner voice puts me down, and I feel more in contact with the part of me that believes she deserves to feel happy.

[Sine]

Compression 

Feeling sad and tired. I’m getting better at not letting these emotions pull me under, recognizing them as part of my development. My dad said something useful earlier. I talked to him on the phone and shared how I had acted in a people-pleasing, co-dependent way with a friend a few days ago. He told me it made him so happy to hear that because it meant I had recognized it in myself and, therefore, must have moved past it.

I miss Wave a lot these days.

I know that I need to let go of the idealized fantasies about our connection and relationship if I want to truly connect with someone new.

It’s difficult.

But I’m determined not to give in to self-hate ever again. I have just as much right and capability as anyone else to be here and feel good about it. I’m doing my best to grow and be a good person.

There’s nothing especially wrong with me. I’m living my life, working to recognize and correct unwanted patterns. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, but I know what I want and have also created many good things. Relationships are challenging, but I’m learning to make more conscious choices about who I connect with, rather than just going along with whatever comes my way.

Even though I love everyone and always will, it doesn’t mean I can keep everyone close. Loving myself means making choices that are best for me, so it's a balance, really. And in learning about that, some fuck-ups are gonna be made. 

And sometimes people die. He just died, and it's devastating. But we were both trying to grow and figure things out. Sometimes you just fuck up while doing that, and that's a part of it, and we didn't know any better, we were just trying, and then he died, and I'm still here, and I want to be, and I will be, and I'll make the most of it.

[Sine]

Attachment

I’m working on a new writing project. It’s charged with my feelings about both Nav and Wave. And I also had this therapy session last week that brought me back to how I felt as a young teenager, living with my mom.

She would be drunk and disgusted with me half of the time, and caring, attentive and loving the other half. This constant back and forth made me feel unsafe. I also felt a lot of shame. If I expected to be met with interest or affection, and she then rejected me, it left me feeling foolish for believing I was interesting/important/worthy.

I’ve realized how this experience mirrors how I’ve felt later in relationships. I shift a lot between being very attracted, and then, out of nowhere, I’m repelled – disgusted – and I just want to run away.

My relationship with Wave was a lot like this, and he pulled away from me too. All those years we were back and forth. We could sort of stick together in knowing that we would always return to each other at some point. It felt like this great love. It was even the last thing we said to each other, on our last phone call before we didn’t talk for months, and he then died.

With Nav I thought I finally freed myself from this pattern. There was no doubt about how he felt for me, and he wanted to be in a relationship with me. We talked about children and moving in together very early on. Probably too early though, but I thought it was a good thing. I thought I was getting my life together, even though some of the compromises I agreed to, felt wrong.

I was so consistently in love with, and attracted to Nav. I never felt cold towards him. I wanted him all of the time. At least, before he started to become angry. And that was the thing – because when looking back now, I can see what I thought was stability wasn’t.

Even though Nav said all those good things, and in many ways was good at being a partner, he sometimes felt paranoid, jealous and angry. When he felt like this, he doubted our relationship and didn’t trust me. He’d say he had a gut feeling we shouldn’t be together, and stuff like that. Then he’d turn around again, apologizing, or accepting my effort to “be better,” so that he would stay. It was hot and cold too, just like Wave, just in a different form. It wasn’t obvious to me at the time though.

Seeing this now feels like it’s shaken something at my core. I’m wondering how I can change this, if I’ll ever be able to be attracted to someone who can give me consistency – and if I’ll ever be able to be someone that can provide consistency for someone else, when a part of me is wired differently.

I had a dream last night that I got a bag from Nav with things I forgot at his place, and I had to unpack, and it felt scary and overwhelming, but I took a deep breath and started doing it. Then I woke up. Then later in the morning I had these thoughts.

Edited September 5 by Sine