Acceptance Vs Being A Push-over

[Eelco1981]

I get angry when people do not treat me fair. For instance my former landlord that does not pay me back my security deposit although he said he would do it.

I threatened with a lawyer but he ignores me because he knows the amount is too small to start a law suit. I now try to accept the situation. Let go of my anger. I try to feel compassion for this person. I try to tell myself that this person probably has a good ego-reason to act like he does. I try to forgive this kind of people. But the anger remains. I feel like I am being a push-over. Like a am resigning.

So in general: "How can I let go, accept and forgive AND NOT be a push-over in life?"

[Ayla]

By understanding that this anger only hurts YOURSELF  

[Aldo Marchand]

You have to try to learn with loses and negative experiences and at the same time try to focus on new projects for you life.

When you focus on the future is easier to let go the past and even repair what we lost in life with what we will conquer 

in the future.

Try to be positive and practical !

[Eelco1981]

@Pinocchio @Aldo Marchand @Ayla  Thank you for the replies of all three of you. I want to respond to that. I know I only hurt myself Ayla. Like the Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal; you want to hurt someone else but in the end only you get burned".  And Aldo, sometimes it helps to just focus on the future and not think about petty things of the past. But in this cases (there are more) I have trouble accepting it. And Pinocchio, I know I must not take it personally. Eckhart Tolle has some excellent videos on not to take things personally because in this specific case, the landlord did not do anything to my ego, but he is just acting according to his (low) level of consciousness. As Eckhart would say. Eckhart says that you must not take it personally and thus do no get angry. However, he points out that you can take the appropriate action (without anger). I think I did that, the appropriate action.  But still my ego feels damaged like I were a push-over. It is very hard to let this go. So yes indeed. I think it is my self-image that gets hurt. Any tips on how I can learn to see through these things and sop taking things personally? What efforts must I do? Thanks again for your responses!

[Ayla]

@Eelco1981 ,

What if I told you that VERY few human beings at this point are capable of letting go of all the rage and the anger and the judgement and be happy ?  Would you still feel like a push-over? 

I see you as the exact opposite for doing that. I guess it depends on the perspective, isn't it? Every teacher you mentioned, our advice included, has to be felt in your heart, not your head. To me, your biggest problem is your lack of complete self love. Look into that one first

 

[Walter B]

42 minutes ago, Eelco1981 said:

@Pinocchio @Aldo Marchand @Ayla  Thank you for the replies of all three of you. I want to respond to that. I know I only hurt myself Ayla. Like the Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal; you want to hurt someone else but in the end only you get burned".  And Aldo, sometimes it helps to just focus on the future and not think about petty things of the past. But in this cases (there are more) I have trouble accepting it. And Pinocchio, I know I must not take it personally. Eckhart Tolle has some excellent videos on not to take things personally because in this specific case, the landlord did not do anything to my ego, but he is just acting according to his (low) level of consciousness. As Eckhart would say. Eckhart says that you must not take it personally and thus do no get angry. However, he points out that you can take the appropriate action (without anger). I think I did that, the appropriate action.  But still my ego feels damaged like I were a push-over. It is very hard to let this go. So yes indeed. I think it is my self-image that gets hurt. Any tips on how I can learn to see through these things and sop taking things personally? What efforts must I do? Thanks again for your responses!

Be conscious of it. Maybe use a mantra to make it a mental habit. To quell the emotions that you may not yet have firm control of. 

That one you described gets me to! The landlord was likely being inconsiderate and greedy and dismissive of integrity. And taking advantage of the fact that it was too much trouble for you to do anything about. It almost seems premeditated doesn't it? People are assholes sometimes. And all I can do is to recognize it and avoid dealings with them in the future once I see them do something like this. "Do it once shame on you, do it twice shame on me" 

[Walter B]

46 minutes ago, Ayla said:

@Eelco1981 ,

What if I told you that VERY few human beings at this point are capable of letting go of all the rage and the anger and the judgement and be happy ?  Would you still feel like a push-over? 

I see you as the exact opposite for doing that. I guess it depends on the perspective, isn't it? Every teacher you mentioned, our advice included, has to be felt in your heart, not your head. To me, your biggest problem is your lack of complete self love. Look into that one first

 

Hell ya I'd still feel like a pushover. Just bc most people fall for it doesn't mean I have to! Lol

[Walter B]

Don't let self love be used against you to keep you a prey! We must still stand up for ourselves or the predators will continue to gain benefit by doing it.

[Ayla]

I'd be VERY curios to see a @Pyrrhocorax graculus lol(ing)  

[Walter B]

They seem to be out this week! All over the place. Must be a natural cycle for that species and the spring coming upon us. 

I can only change my pic and name every 7 days! We'll see what's next. Lol

[Walter B]

10 minutes ago, Ayla said:

I'd be VERY curios to see a @Pyrrhocorax graculus lol(ing)  

I saw one dancing and carrying on the other day. Squawking and flapping and basically showing excitement! It was neat, he was right next to me and perfectly happy. Like a kid getting a snow day and doing a joyful dance.

[vizual]

Acceptance is not something you DO, it is simply letting go of resistance, so acceptance is something you stop doing rather than doing. When you let yourself be pushed over, which is something you clearly you do not desire, you are actually in resistance, not acceptance. You are resisting yourself in stead of accepting others.

[Clunkky]

This same incident happened to me twice. I learned that everyone loses one way or another. It's just whether people learn from their loss or not. Now on, I clearly state to the landlord that the security deposit will be returned if no damages are present, and explain my past experiences with other landlords. That is really all you can do and move on with your life. Remember, what you believe is going to become true. If you believe you are a push-over, then you are a push over. But if you change this experience into a positive learning experience, you will probably feel a little better.

[InternetPoints]

On a more practical level for this situation there are laws in place in the US at least where they can't get away with that easily. Here you can file a very inexpensive small claims court again then which would probably get it resolved. Do some digging around the laws for that where you live, or ask people from your country about what to do in this situation, there may be something you can do to easily and cheaply resolve the issue that you don't know about.

 

[Samir]

@Eelco1981 Eelco, exactly the same thing happened to me and that about 8 years ago, where I was living as a tenant I had to pay one month adavbanced and a month deposit to live there, Which I agreed but after a few months the house was sold to the new landlord and I was informed that all my deposit and advanced transferred to this new landlord. Since the new landlord increased the rent i decided to leave the place and for new one but the landlord didn't pay my deposit and one month advanced payment for no valid reasons so at that point I felt so vulnerable and decided to take action. To make it short I went to court as I was advised that there was no need for a lawyer since it was a small case and the Judge finished the case in my favour and  asked the landlord to pay my one deposit and a month advanced payment as well all other expenses that I had to pay during this challenge. So if you really think that you have been deceived  by your landlord, do your best to fight for your rights and don't let anyone to use you. 

[Eelco1981]

@Samir Hi, He is not registered in the country I live. So I would have to start the case in the country he lives so that costs a lot more than the actual deposit...

[SkyPanther]

I think if there is harm, it is absolutely fine to stand up for yourself.  When there is "perceived harm" out of an event that does not need to have any meaning to it, but is given one by the ego, that is what you can ignore.

 

Real Harm Example:  Someone hurting you(or someone else) physically (Punching, kicking, etc).   

Perceived Harm: While Driving someone cuts you off (without you having to worry that you will hit them, or they you, etc)

Perceived Harm: Name calling... someone making fun of you, or how you look.

 

There is a Buddhist story that kind of points this out:

 

Quote

 

The Buddha was once confronted by an angry village while he was passing through it. They hurled abuses at Him mercilessly.

He remained calm as if he enjoyed the abuses. His disciple Ananda bit his anger silently as his master remained cool. Seeing the Buddha's calmness, the crowd showed signs of frustration.

He then spoke, “If you have finished, I should now make a move. I will have to go to another village where people are waiting for me. If you have not finished, I will come back this way after a few days. Then you can finish up with all your fury!"

A voice from the crowd said, “We have been hurling insults at you. Will you not react?" The Buddha replied, “That is difficult. If you want me to react, you will should have done this years before, as I am not foolish anymore. I see the anger in you, the fury in you. But I only feel compassion for you. You all seem to love me so much, that you have abandoned the work in your fields and have come running to talk to me"

The enlightened one asked, “If I am wrong it's me who is going to suffer. Not you. It is my problem. So why do you unnecessarily get troubled? The other day I was passing through another village where I was gifted with sweets. I did not accept them telling that I do not eat sweets. Now tell me what do you think they would have done with them?"

Somebody from the gathering said, “They would have distributed among themselves!"

The Buddha replied, “So what are you going to do with your abuses? I have not accepted them. I normally do not accept useless things from anybody. It is up to you to insult me. But it's up to me to not to accept them, as I do not like to get burdened unnecessarily! I only feel compassion for you."

 

The important part is bolded.  You can decline someone else's verbal, or meaningless abuse that only "hurts" your ego.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2016 by SkyPanther

[Guest]

@Eelco1981 Hi, my take on this is that sometimes people can try to use tools that are not right for their personality. 

Emotional regulation is a developmental skill. Assertiveness is acceptance of both the inside and the outside. Try this idea on for a minute if you like:

You feel you have been disrespected in this case. Acceptance is to accept your position, your feelings and your values. Your values have been taken for granted. There is nothing wrong with that. 

So first thing is to accept that somebody has violated an agreement of trust you made with them. If it's the case that they have been unfair then you have a right to be angry. 

The assertiveness part is to be able to voice your disagreement in a non violent way without violating your values or the other person's self esteem. Yes your landlord did the dirty on you. It's your job to tell them how their behaviour had impacted you and then leave it at that.

Do not blame or personalise their behaviour. Separate the person from their behaviour. Condemn the behaviour and let them know it was not fruitful and leave them to stew. 

The point is not to try to change the other person. Just to stop yourself internalising the anger. 

This is win win behaviour. Try it if you like. 

[Vercingetorix]

Just an hour ago I realized something Eckhart Tolle said, That you can be happy only in the present moment, never in the future when all your expectations will come true, so my reply might be colored by this realization.
But if you realize this, you stop caring about something that was in the past and might influence your future, because you know your happiness is not there, it will never be in the future, only in the present moment, so you stop caring for the future or past, you focus on the present moment and the joy it offers. You stop wasting energy on the future because it has nothing to offer you.

[Pav]

You accept that the world is as it is. When your landlord takes your money, you accept that this is the situation. There is no point getting angry or neurotic over it, or obsessing over how things should be different. You accept that this is the situation without passing any judgements on reality or your landlord as a person. While accepting the situation you may also be taking steps to fix or improve the situation if that's what you would like to do.

You can be accepting of the world while also having an influence on it. There is no dichotomy here.

Maslow on acceptance in self-actualising people (from Motivation and Personality, chapter 11 http://s-f-walker.org.uk/pubsebooks/pdfs/Motivation_and_Personality-Maslow.pdf ):

Quote

Acceptance

A good many person qualities that can be perceived on the surface and that seem at first to be various and unconnected may be understood as manifestations or derivations of a more fundamental single attitude, namely, of relative lack of overriding guilt, of crippling shame, and of extreme or severe anxiety. This is in direct contrast with the neurotic person who in every instance may be described as crippled by guilt and/or shame and/or anxiety. Even the normal member of our culture feels unnecessarily guilty or ashamed about too many things and has anxiety in too many unnecessary situations, Our healthy individuals find it possible to accept themselves and their own nature without chagrin or complaint or, for that matter, even without thinking about the matter very much.

They can accept their own human nature in the stoic style, with all its shortcomings, with all its discrepancies from the ideal image without feeling real concern. It would convey the wrong impression to say that they are self-satisfied. What we must say rather is that they can take the frailties and sins, weaknesses, and evils of human nature in the same unquestioning spirit with which one accepts the characteristics of nature. One does not complain about water because it is wet, or about rocks because they are hard, or about trees because they are green. As children look out upon the world with wide, uncritical, undemanding, innocent eyes, simply noting and observing what is the case, without either arguing the matter or demanding that it be otherwise, so do self-actualising people tend to look upon human nature in themselves and in others. This is of course not the same as resignation, but resignation too can be observed in our subjects, especially in the face of illness and death.

Be it observed that this amounts to saying in another form what we have already; namely, that the self-actualising person sees reality more clearly: our subjects see human nature as it is and not as they would prefer it to be. Their eyes see what is before them without being strained through spectacles of various sorts to distort or shape or colour reality.

The first and most obvious level of acceptance is at the so-called animal level. Those self-actualising people tend to be good animals, hearty in their appetites and enjoying themselves without regret or shame or apology. They seem to have a uniformly good appetite for food; they seem to sleep well; they seem to enjoy their sexual lives without unnecessary inhibition and so on for all the relatively physiological impulses. They are able to accept themselves not only on these low levels, but at all levels as well; for example, love, safety, belongingness, honor, self-respect. All of these people are inclined to accept the work of nature rather than to argue with it for not having constructed things to a different pattern. This shows itself in a relative lack of the disgusts and aversions seen in average people and especially in neurotics, such as food annoyances, disgust with body products, body odors, and body functions.

Closely related to self-acceptance and to acceptance of others is their lack of defensiveness, protective coloration, or pose, and their distaste for such artificialities in others. Cant, guile, hypocrisy, front, face, playing a game, trying to impress in conventional ways: these are all absent in themselves to an unusual degree. Since they can live comfortably even with their own shortcomings, these  finally come to be perceived, especially later in life, as not shortcomings at all, but simply as neutral personal characteristics.

This is not an absolute lack of guilt, shame, sadness, anxiety, or defensiveness; it is a lack of unnecessary or neurotic guilt, and the like. The animal processes (eg., sex, urination, pregnancy, menstruation, growing old, ect.) are part of reality and must be accepted.

What healthy people do feel guilty about (or ashamed, anxious, sad, or regretful) are improvable shortcomings (eg., laziness, thoughtlessness, loss of temper, hurting others); stubborn remnants of psychological ill health (eg., prejudice, jealousy, envy); habits, which, though relatively independent of character structure, may yet be very strong, or shortcomings of the species or of the culture or of the group with which they have identified. The general formula seems to be that healthy people will feel bad about discrepancies between what is and what might very well be or ought to be.