Alcohol is more important to my dad than people who care about him

[Butters]

I'm quite upset. My dad was in the hospital and rehabilitation for 6 weeks. Every day I called, went over (it's quite far from my home) and took care of him. He was on the floor for 4 days with no food or water and we thought he was going to die. Miraculously he survived. 

Now he's back home, and I just found out he's drinking again! Even though he ended up blacking out and in the hospital after drinking too much alcohol. 

When I told him in a very friendly way this probably isn't the best way to rehabilitate (he's still weak) he kinda shrugged it off. He was eating his dinner which was appearantly way more important than my feelings or concern for him. 

I thought a second chance of life would make him realize not to drink anymore. The bottle is more important than the people who care about him. When I got upset that he could hear in my tone of voice he just put the phone down and stopped responding to just eat his meal. 

It's like this alcohol is his baby and is more important to him than his actual family, who were there for him when he was at the hospital and we thought he was going to die. 

😡😡😡

I am most upset at how he just shrugs this of as if I'm crazy and shouldn't worry so much, completely disregarding me and my feelings. Me who was there at the hospital just WEEKS AGO. 

And yes this has more meaning because of course as a child I received this ongoing emotional abandonment constantly. But I thought being on the floor with no food or water for 4 days and then at the IC would make someone reconsider. But we are in the exact same position now as before the hospital. 

Am I missing something here? Should I see the alcohol as his only effective medicine for some incredible emotional trauma that I can't see? How can you treat alcohol like it's your most precious thing in the world and choose it over people who care about you? 

I was now calling him every day to see if he was doing well but when he mistreats me like this and completely disregards my caring for him I just don't want to call anymore. I REALLY don't like the person he is on alcohol. How can you do this to people? 

It's also like I feel 'tricked', like I approach him as if he's my dad who I care about but then I find out he's been drinking and it's like I got tricked by some evil person pretending to be my dad. This just brings back bad childhood memories. This is why I had let go of the emotional attachment, but then he got into the hospital and again it's like he tricked me into having empathy for him or seeing him as my dad. But it's a one way street of empathy it seems, at least when he's on alcohol. 

Disgusting. 

Everyone always describes him as this sweet man but when he's on alcohol he's like this monster to me, simply because of the emotional abandonment. I would argue there's even a sadistic component to his alcoholic persona where he takes pleasure in my emotional torture as a result of my empathy. But I am the only person who really knows this. But because of recently he needed so much help from us, I thought he'd changed. Foolish of me to even think that 😔

Edited July 9 by Butters

[Michael569]

I have an alcoholic in a family and that's exactly what happened. This person would go above and beyond when sober and would give everything to others until they get drunk and destroy everything, trigger conflicts and basically alienate others from them. And this is a cycle that continues for over 15 years. 

I wouldn't say the alcohol is more important to them, it is that the addiction is such a strong driver that they have no willpower over it anymore. When you put a person with low level of personal development, low level of consciousness, no willpower and shit ton of trauma and put them in an environment where there is easy access to alcohol, they will always lose control. 

At this point I stopped making effort to change this person because I know I can't. 

My heart goes out to you and your family. Sometimes creating distance is the answer. 

[Butters]

@Michael569 thank you so much, I hope you and your family are dealing well with the situation.

I do need to recognize that my dad's cognitive development is really low and you're absolutely right about that, it would be unfair to overlook his level of development, especially since I've already done some amount of trauma release work and can deal with this fairly well. 

[bambi]

Yeah I wouldnt take this personal or make it personal, its quite cruel actually. Alcoholics and addicts are in tremendous pain, its about their pain, not about you. Hopefully your dad recovers

[Michael569]

17 hours ago, Butters said:

especially since I've already done some amount of trauma release work and can deal with this fairly well. 

It took me a long time to truly recognise that some of the things we discuss on this forum and the amount of self development and internal work people around do is soooo out of place for many people in society that even something as simple as being able to sit in silence for 30 minutes a day is completely inconceivable for most. I am not being dismissive, this is result of countless observations and interactions. 

I think we tend to underestimate how much people struggle with things that we consider 'easily remediable', much of this isn't common knowledge unfortunately

Most people in the society do little to no personal development, they don't read meaningful literature, they stop studying after finishing school,  they don't have high quality hobbies and they don't devote their time to anything meaningful. It is almost NPC existence and I think that's one of the reasons why usage of social media is so rampant why it is so easy to brainwash and why someone like Trump could get into power. 

To a ship without a a destination, every wind is favourable. 

 

Edited July 11 by Michael569

[shree]

Hi @Butters

 

You have the right to feel exactly how you feel about the situation.

My father is a heavy alcoholic. He destroyed our family and made my childhood miserable, which has affected me heavily in my thirties. 

An interesting pattern in families like mine is that the alcoholic is often treated as a victim. People say, "Oh, he is sick. He had a bad childhood, and that's why he drinks." That is all BS. 

I could have used this as an excuse to run away from the truth by drinking, but instead, I went straight to hell more than once and faced the truth to collect the fractured pieces of myself and heal.

For me, the best way to deal with this situation is to cut ties with those people, no matter what society says. No matter who you think they are to you or who owes what to whom, you must prioritize your healing from the damage done by an alcoholic person.

Believing that things will magically change one day and everyone will be happy is typical magical thinking of emotionally deprived adult children. This thinking will likely drain you emotionally, making you unavailable for your children (if you have them) and others close to you.

I understand that this statement doesn't sound very enlightened, but I will say it anyway: I have zero remorse for alcoholics.

I understand I went a bit off-topic here, but this subject triggers me since I am still healing. I hope my words help you in some way.

Edited July 11 by shree

[OBEler]

@shree alcohol is like a parasite which makes symbiosis with your ego. Once done there is no going back. 

With alcohol addiction comes other addictions (cigarettes, heroin, fastfood, porn). You don't give a fuck. It makes you to a zombie. You lose all interests and control and land on the streets pretty quickly (if no other cares but you don't care too). You become less than an animal (an animal at least tries to take care of himself).

Alcohol is not evil. It just comes to people with already heavy flaws and make it worse. 

 

 

[Schizophonia]

Accept he is autodestructive

[Butters]

@shree I've identified 3 phases to this process:

Phase 1: denial

Basically being unconscious of the process, you might feel anger or confusion. You might also blame yourself or see the parent as the victim like you said. 

Phase 2: trauma release

This is where you recognize you've been through emotional abuse. You might blame the parent or feel resentment towards them. This takes as long as it needs. 

This phase is kinda crazy cause I often went between 'hoping they would change' and 'being very angry' and seeing them as evil. 

Phase 3: acceptance

You must ultimately come to acceptance of the situation and move on. If you don't, you'll forever see yourself as the victim and then unwillingly do evil upon your surroundings, ironically repeating the pattern of the parent in a different form. Ultimately you wanna take full responsibility. 

At this phase some emotional maturity happens and you sort of stop ego-identifying with the situation. The parent is neither evil nor good, and you're not so much invested into "finding out if they're evil or not". This took me years. 

I was at phase 2 for years, now mostly in phase 3 but it can come back at times, like when I started this thread. I cannot really tell you how to move through these phases; awareness, contemplation and focusing on your LP helps. 

Just remember: 

• You have a right to whichever emotion you feel
• You have no obligation to this parent
• You were indeed victim to emotional abuse and were robbed of your childhood, but do realize that some day in the future for full healing to happen you will have to also let that go

Whether or not communication is possible will depend on the situation and person, but it's not necessary. Most important is doing best for yourself. 

Note: I'm not sure if this is good advice because when I was in phase 2 I could't really imagine phase 3. It wasn't until my dad was in the hospital and in such a weak (near-death) state that I saw that as leveling the playing field or something. Idk. 

Edited July 12 by Butters

[Sandroew]

Thank you for sharing. I hope im not being cringe here, i just wanted to give you my best wishes.

[BlueOak]

On 12/07/2024 at 3:40 PM, Lila9 said:

That’s why I believe that people need a license for parenthood. Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child.

Your anger is valid. Focus on your healing, you might not be able to save your father, but you can at least save yourself.

Yes. I fear saying this for the backlash, but it seems the most important thing in the world and requires no qualifications or assessment beyond the basic needs of a newborn being met. I am biased coming from a poor upbringing, someone who was in a healthy household and a good community might have the opposite view I expect.

License isn't the word i'd pick as a first choice, more communal involvement through groups and the school system is definitely warranted in a more enlightened and conscious future.

[BlueOak]

My father is an alcoholic, he's a functioning one, only requiring a few beers a day, but he has binges too, even at 80.  Smokes even more since mum had her stroke. My brother is an opiate addict, and that's his first concern all day every day.

Once the opiate is taken, he considers life after that. With my father its more a case that he gets bitter and cranky without booze.

It's a lack of them being able to process emotions, or even sit with them. Of course, the physical symptoms come after that. They will both swing to extremes of anger or sorrow without these crutches when their emotional guidance system is felt again.

I will say people are many pieces and patterns, so your father is an addict AND X, Y, Z. That's how I deal with them, I realize sometimes its the addict pattern running things, and sometimes its another part or behavior of the family member.

Edited August 1 by BlueOak

[Schizophonia]

You cant prevent someone from destructing himself 🤷‍♂️