Relocating, Escape Or Benefit?

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Obviously, the ability to transcend the influence of emotional triggers, or toxic people in a given location is character building and empowering...but, is moving away instead, actually healthier/ more helpful in propelling actualization...or is it just escape?

I love my home, when people suggest I move because of trauma here, my response is usually that I would never let another's actions influence my ability to love my home and connect with nature here. For example, I can now wear a big brass and abalone belt buckle that I was beaten with as a child like a badge of my strength and resilience, and fucking love it! Overcoming issues, or energy with a location or object is do-able for me, but it's also labour intensive and time consuming. Does this type of work help with personal development/ is it important, or is it more beneficial to make a bold fresh change?

I recently went on a short trip to a magical place I spent a lot of time at in my youth. I had the idea that I should move there and even looked at places for sale. Then I began to question WHY I was looking, is this escape or distraction? If I am settled in a sacred forest, is it in my best interest to stay. How would I discern?

Also, I may not be "able" to move, despite it being a short drive and boat ride away...because I have a child, and there is another parent (regardless of their toxicity). First,  discern if this move is right for me, then, trust in the universe....lol... Is there a way to find out if a location is more or less dysfunctional than your current one, without going by other people's perceptions alone? For example, can you find out that type of information in the form of statistics? Thanks!

 

[philosogi]

Depends on the person! I moved away and it helped me grow more as a person. My siblings stayed and I can see how they are more able than me to deal with the situation at home. Go with your gut. Are your wings clipped? Let yourself fly.

[dorg]

I recall a realisation that I had a while back - that I was not really living as a physical being in a physical realm, but as more of a mental being in a mental realm. And so as I changed my mind, the way I experienced the mental/physical world changed.


 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@philosogi My wings may be a little clipped because I have a child, and would never give her up to move (unfortunately, I'd have to request it through a judge and make a good enough case). My gut is not currently functioning as a accurate barometer (overwhelmed)....that's why I posed the question...your siblings that are "able to deal", are they *thriving* compared to you? If not, do you believe this is because they stayed, or because they aren't motivated to thrive?

@dorg I get what you are saying, but can you be more specific in terms of physical and mental changes. For example, is it more beneficial to remain physically but shift mentally, or move physically and shift mentally. I think you are saying that the mental shift can happen regardless of location that anywhere can become the mental realm....but, is one choice superior in attaining a mental realm? more swiftly? Is a mental realm easier to create in a new location or current location?

 

[SOUL]

Every person in every situation is a unique instance of it's own and examining the nature of the circumstances will help reveal the answer to that question.

[philosogi]

3 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

My wings may be a little clipped because I have a child, and would never give her up to move (unfortunately, I'd have to request it through a judge and make a good enough case). My gut is not currently functioning as a accurate barometer (overwhelmed)....that's why I posed the question...your siblings that are "able to deal", are they *thriving* compared to you? If not, do you believe this is because they stayed, or because they aren't motivated to thrive?

Is there any way of reducing the number/stressfulness of what's overwhelming you (I don't know the details, but more of a question I'd ask myself if I was trying to figure things out)? 

My siblings are thriving in their own way. I wouldn't say that we are thriving "more" or "less" than each other. Everyone is living their own truth. 

Even though your gut is not an accurate barometer, I doubt anyone can answer the questions you have better than yourself. Even a spiritual teacher would probably gently tell you to look inward for an answer.

On 4/22/2017 at 9:52 PM, Epiphany_Inspired said:

I recently went on a short trip to a magical place I spent a lot of time at in my youth. I had the idea that I should move there and even looked at places for sale. Then I began to question WHY I was looking, is this escape or distraction?

Is one of these reactions a soul reaction, and/or a mind reaction? 

[dorg]

5 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@dorg I get what you are saying, but can you be more specific in terms of physical and mental changes. For example, is it more beneficial to remain physically but shift mentally, or move physically and shift mentally. I think you are saying that the mental shift can happen regardless of location that anywhere can become the mental realm....but, is one choice superior in attaining a mental realm? more swiftly? Is a mental realm easier to create in a new location or current location?

I have found it more beneficial to shift mentally. Physical shifting is an interim measure until you get that all shifting is actually mental shifting.

Due to any strong mental positions about your current situation it may be easier to change physical location to a more neutral place, but you will still need to work on any situation the mind (still thinks it) is in. Changing physical location does not change your mind.

I sense that you are strong enough to overcome any 'nasty' thoughts about your current location.

In any event, one way or another you will need to deal with the toxicity of the other parent in relation to the child. Is the toxicity largely due to your past relationship to with him? Is he ok with the child?

Just because he may have a different worldview than you does not necessarily mean that he is toxic. Perhaps more explanation of how you are using this word would help...

With best wishes,

 

[alyra]

(forewarning responding to title of thread only) 

 

I assume you're contemplating whether it is false growth to relocate. 

so what? if it's a crutch and that crutch helps your too-weak muscle to get some amount of exercise, then use the crutch. It's really in that way, a good thing. the danger is in using the crutch, but forgetting to exercise. forgetting to grow.

 

Crutches and fake-growth are nothing more than viable scaffolding for empowering true growth. 

[Emerald]

On 4/22/2017 at 9:52 PM, Epiphany_Inspired said:

Obviously, the ability to transcend the influence of emotional triggers, or toxic people in a given location is character building and empowering...but, is moving away instead, actually healthier/ more helpful in propelling actualization...or is it just escape?

I love my home, when people suggest I move because of trauma here, my response is usually that I would never let another's actions influence my ability to love my home and connect with nature here. For example, I can now wear a big brass and abalone belt buckle that I was beaten with as a child like a badge of my strength and resilience, and fucking love it! Overcoming issues, or energy with a location or object is do-able for me, but it's also labour intensive and time consuming. Does this type of work help with personal development/ is it important, or is it more beneficial to make a bold fresh change?

I recently went on a short trip to a magical place I spent a lot of time at in my youth. I had the idea that I should move there and even looked at places for sale. Then I began to question WHY I was looking, is this escape or distraction? If I am settled in a sacred forest, is it in my best interest to stay. How would I discern?

Also, I may not be "able" to move, despite it being a short drive and boat ride away...because I have a child, and there is another parent (regardless of their toxicity). First,  discern if this move is right for me, then, trust in the universe....lol... Is there a way to find out if a location is more or less dysfunctional than your current one, without going by other people's perceptions alone? For example, can you find out that type of information in the form of statistics? Thanks!

 

I recommend moving away for a while. This will make your decision clear because you'll have a standard of comparison. The situation will still be there to come back to eventually... if you want to. But are you afraid that you won't want to go back? I ask because I've been in situations that I've been afraid to take time off whenI loved a person, but they were toxic to me. I was afraid to leave them behind even for a little while, because I knew deep down that I wouldn't be going back. And it became immediately clear the moment I left, that I didn't ever want to go back. I think that taking time off is the risk you need to take to truly know. Otherwise, you're just going through scenarios in your mind without real perspective. Deep down, you probably know that you don't want the dysfunction... but you're afraid of what will come. This is my impression. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Emerald]

17 hours ago, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

@Emerald How was your birthday? Do anything fun or go anywhere?

It was good. We went out of town for the evening and went to dinner. Other than that, it was business as usual.

[Emerald]

20 minutes ago, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

Cool, where did you go if you don't mind the question? And did your children do anything for you? My nieces and nephews make little pieces of art or ceramics for their parents.

I went to a little sushi place, that we go to from time to time. I don't eat raw fish anymore... though I miss it. Salmon and eel were the hardest to give up when I stopped eating meat. But I really enjoy avocado sushi and sweet potato sushi. My daughter made me a little card. She likes to do things like that. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@aryberry Thank you truly, yes, that was my question, thanks. Anyone else reading this thread in the future, that's a good non-situation specific answer, also the shift mentally answer from @dorg.

@philosogi I wish I knew for certain...mind vs. soul...my soul has always been drawn/connected to this other place, and I experienced a lot of synchronicity, like-minded connection, and motivation there...but I went there equally as a journey for growth, and as an escape...the other location is known for it's creative, passionate, hardworking people, as well as it's open-minded, free-spirited culture....and those all suit my soul quite well....it is good for children in many ways...also difficult for them in others...and my soul must choose for 2....I have a strong desire to escape too....how can one tell...mind/ fear vs soul? and if it may be a bit of both, how do you find which holds more weight?

@dorg: Sadly, I'm dealing with actual toxicity (not just my lens, it's official). He's purchased a home 5 minutes away, which would be lovely if it was just for good co-parenting, but....the proximity is currently unhealthy regardless of my ability to adapt/ tolerate, etc... you can only change your own behaviour...yes, good with the child directly...but indirectly... he appears to be oblivious of the effects of dysfunction on a child...I have no way of knowing if this will ever change...so far, it's been years and it has only become worse...

@Emerald Hope your birthday was awesome, that's my fav sushi too. I ended it, for good, long ago....never going back...but when you have a child, you are stuck connected... good idea, but I do not have the opportunity to try something else out. I cannot afford rent (plus there is a massive shortage there anyway), and keep my land. I would have to sell, and undertake a massive ordeal to move to a new permanent home (I am more of a homesteader, than a nomad....grow food, etc)...that said, we can do a camping trip there, or something...Yes, I want to limit the amount I have to spend interacting with his dysfunction. My intention, if I were to move, would not be based in trying to limit the other parents time, it would be for my freedom, and what I decide is in our best interest...the other location would still allow for time with the other parent...but a bit less... I do love my current home too, I am very connected to the nature here...I never planned to leave...I am shocked I am considering it....Am I feeling forced out, or considering a empowering choice? how do I discern?

 

[philosogi]

On 5/3/2017 at 5:49 PM, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@philosogi I wish I knew for certain...mind vs. soul...my soul has always been drawn/connected to this other place, and I experienced a lot of synchronicity, like-minded connection, and motivation there...but I went there equally as a journey for growth, and as an escape...the other location is known for it's creative, passionate, hardworking people, as well as it's open-minded, free-spirited culture....and those all suit my soul quite well....it is good for children in many ways...also difficult for them in others...and my soul must choose for 2....I have a strong desire to escape too....how can one tell...mind/ fear vs soul? and if it may be a bit of both, how do you find which holds more weight?

It's been dynamic/alternating for me. Sometimes I'll focus on the mind more, and then when I feel like I've given enough attention to the mind/ego, I go towards spirit. I think I'm coming to terms with not always having to be consistent/one way. I guess anxiety often used to drive my decision-making (aka mind would hold more weight), but this summer I'm dedicated to trying to be motivated by excitement and energy rather than anxiety. I'll try to listen to the excitement/energy by embracing/letting go of fear. Will see how it goes! 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@philosogi @Emerald  I've realized, with self-honesty, that my self-efficacy still needs major work...both extensive upgrades and massive restorations.... a person with good self-efficacy would not be asking you these questions. Thanks so much for your time and insights!

[Emerald]

10 minutes ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@philosogi @Emerald  I've realized, with self-honesty, that my self-efficacy still needs major work...both extensive upgrades and massive restorations.... a person with good self-efficacy would not be asking you these questions. Thanks so much for your time and insights!

You're welcome. I think confidence in you capabilities will help you gain a lot of clarity about where you should take your life. If you fear that you can't do something, it will limit your possibilities for response. But if you're confident that you can handle what life brings to you, then you'll be able to take more risks and make bold decisions to help improve your life.

[philosogi]

18 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@philosogi @Emerald  I've realized, with self-honesty, that my self-efficacy still needs major work...both extensive upgrades and massive restorations.... a person with good self-efficacy would not be asking you these questions. Thanks so much for your time and insights!

It was all you :*

What does self-efficacy mean?

[TJ Reeves]

Sometimes a move is the right thing to do. There may be opportunities available to you in a new city that you couldn't get otherwise.

For example, I moved to Los Angeles from Baltimore because I knew it would be one of the best places to find the latest in technology. That decision has seriously paid off. Just a few weeks ago, I went to the world's largest virtual reality convention, met a ton of great people, and found out about some great new developments in VR. While there, I also found out about the world's largest neurosurgery convention, which would happen the week after the VR convention. At the second convention I found someone who gave me an opportunity to shadow. A situation like this would probably never have been the case back in Baltimore, no matter how much spiritual work I did on my own. 

The point is that there is nothing inherently wrong with moving. Sometimes there are purely external matters that must be taken care of during your own hero's journey. 

The real question I would ask is whether the problems you face are internal or external. Moving to escape from internal matters is pointless. But some things require external work during your journey. 

Also, moving is likely to give you a wider breadth of experience. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@TJ Reeves Thanks so much, that's a really good way to think about it. The problems are external, but they are made worse by the internal *anti-harmonics* they produce. Although I am particularly susceptible to the impact, I'm certain,  any reasonably conscious person would also be quite impacted by these externals. That said, I can't deny the internal concern, or place it completely on the shoulders of the external....

Those conventions sound awesome! I'm stoked for you! I'm not into living in big cities anymore, but I do love visiting them for amazing events! I'm considering going somewhere that is in many ways smaller, not bigger...with a population of 10,000 it's 7x bigger than the 1,500 population here...but adds a boat ride to the 350,000 city nearby, and it's 2 boat rides to the nearby 2 million people, big city. If I move it would be for the community, the creative culture and because it's a spiritual center (Dali Lama thinks so too)/ it's generally more open-minded and free. That said, small places often have more dysfunction and less opportunity...also when it's a boat ride to get somewhere...I probably wouldn't leave...that said, the caliber and type of events in this creative/ spiritual community totally suit me...so who knows...I just get more, and more, confused daily, trying to decide rationally....how do I determine if my journey requires external work?

[Nahm]

@Epiphany_Inspired. it might be easier to let go of your past and then decide if moving is the right direction.  

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Nahm I really feel I have worked hard, and have let go...but I will consider it again deeply....my issue is that the other parent is not something I can let go of completely in the physical sense, we share a child...but, I can potentially put a bit more physical distance between me and his behaviour....If I move there, I could potentially have a physical space with more freedom, less concern about interaction (planned visits, or bumping into), etc....there is also the possibility this could offer more community , culture, connection, and motivation....or it could just be another distraction...wish I knew....