I am forced to take care of someone, What do I do?

[Schizophonia]

@integral Help her as far as you feel capable and otherwise pushes her to fend for herself as if she were alone. It's not like you're a monster if you stop supporting her so much, I know people who would have already drowned her in the river lol.

[Schizophonia]

On 7/9/2024 at 2:15 AM, integral said:

They

They ?

[Jehovah increases]

6 hours ago, Sincerity said:

So sorry dude. This is a fucked up situation but ultimately a huge opportunity for a lesson in life (whatever it's supposed to be for you). Suffering is a gift, in it it is hidden mercy as they say. I would hate to be in your situation. You're strong. I wish you well.

Suffering is not a gift and who is they?

God has its very own gift for you.

Edited July 16 by Jehovah increases

[Buck Edwards]

On 09/07/2024 at 5:45 AM, integral said:

I found myself in a situation where I created a relationship where I have to take care of someone who is likely permanently sick and requires my lifetime support. They cannot and will never be able to take care of themselves due to various health issues and mental limitations.

I can possibly miraculously fix their body but it’s a longshot.

The insight here is I involved myself in someone’s story and Took on the responsibility of someone else’s life. And now there’s no escape when really what I value is my own time my own hobbies my own pursuits.

I have no interest in carrying a weight around with me for the rest of my life.

Be very careful with the people you allow inside your circle because once they’re in there you cannot just abandon them.

I don’t know what to do with this situation this person is unawake And will never wake up. Everything about them is the resistance of everything in this reality, it’s a mental drain to be in contact with them and they require both constant financial support and emotional support and life support.

You shouldn't have to do it unless it's your mother. You're kind and kindness is often taken advantage of. Can someone else take  care of this person. 

 

[Jehovah increases]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

You shouldn't have to do it unless it's your mother. You're kind and kindness is often taken advantage of. Can someone else take care of this person. 

 

[lostingenosmaze]

4 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

You shouldn't have to do it unless it's your mother.

I mean, there's probably a reason why he didn't mention who the person in question exactly is.

[LordFall]

On 15/07/2024 at 10:43 AM, integral said:

it’s like if my girlfriend accidentally got pregnant and had twins now my life needs to revolve around the family there is absolutely no escaping this responsibility. My train has to be redirected towards them.

I have the ability to set a boundary at this very moment but there are situations where you cant escape by setting boundaries you have to stand up and get the job done. Setting boundaries can be like running away.

it’s true like you said I accepted a certain amount of responsibility but then it kept escalating and now it overstepped.

but it’s Very difficult to say no and just accept that you failed someone and you don’t even know what they’re doing with there life anymore and Because of your inaction they are struggling.

like are you going to abandon your children? never, so then why is it OK to do that with a girlfriend?

@Michael569 yes it’s a gf of 2 years now, basically they want me to become a family man, work to support them and fix there mental and physical health issues. While also requiring large amounts of my time for support.

basically i don’t want to do this so I have to set a boundary but really what’s more important my needs or there’s?

Sounds like co-dependence and not healthy responsibility. The litmus test would be is she doing as much for herself(and more) than you are? There is a difference between helping someone who puts effort in themselves and enabling someone who is in a slump and you dumping them would be the wakeup call they need to get their life together. 

Is there any mental health diagnosis like bipolar/BPD? 

[josemar]

On 15/07/2024 at 5:43 PM, integral said:

it’s like if my girlfriend accidentally got pregnant and had twins now my life needs to revolve around the family there is absolutely no escaping this responsibility. My train has to be redirected towards them.

I have the ability to set a boundary at this very moment but there are situations where you cant escape by setting boundaries you have to stand up and get the job done. Setting boundaries can be like running away.

it’s true like you said I accepted a certain amount of responsibility but then it kept escalating and now it overstepped.

but it’s Very difficult to say no and just accept that you failed someone and you don’t even know what they’re doing with there life anymore and Because of your inaction they are struggling.

like are you going to abandon your children? never, so then why is it OK to do that with a girlfriend?

@Michael569 yes it’s a gf of 2 years now, basically they want me to become a family man, work to support them and fix there mental and physical health issues. While also requiring large amounts of my time for support.

basically i don’t want to do this so I have to set a boundary but really what’s more important my needs or there’s?

"They"???? So you have kids together??? Makes all the difference 

[Merkabah Star]

It might lead you somewhere beautiful. 

Have faith. 

[Merkabah Star]

So your girlfriend actually got pregnant and had twins and they are yours? Im confused? 

[eos_nyxia]

On 2024-07-15 at 7:43 AM, integral said:

like are you going to abandon your children? never, so then why is it OK to do that with a girlfriend?

@Michael569 yes it’s a gf of 2 years now, basically they want me to become a family man, work to support them and fix there mental and physical health issues. While also requiring large amounts of my time for support.

basically i don’t want to do this so I have to set a boundary but really what’s more important my needs or there’s?

Unless it's an act of both love and conviction, won't you come to regret your choice? (Assuming it's just about taking care of another adult, not potential children. If it is, then you'd have to grapple with the prospect of being a deadbeat dad.)

On another level, you could also ask yourself if there is some part of you that is seeking out the obligation. Like, it's potentially a drag but you also get something out of being wanted and needed which ultimately outweighs the absence of obligation. You still get the sense of meaning, routine, and being the "good person" in the situation. This is a pattern I've noticed in people.

Really, it depends on what your ethical code is and how seriously you take it.

For any level of responsibility you've accepted, you can theoretically just as easily unaccept it. There is no rule that says you have to continue to do something just because you started it, especially if you did not explicitly agree to do so.  Yea, it will piss people off and hurt their feelings because they feel like you've developed a set precedent. Many take this to be implicit consent. On the flip side, you could just as easily say that they're a grown-ass adult and they're being entitled.

It's worth considering the risk factor if you don't get involved: for instance, is there the risk of homelessness or a direct risk to their life (whether due to medical issues, suicidality, etc.)? The responsibility you take on as a partner/ caretaker might be far beyond your capacity and pay grade anyway... and for what it's worth, you can sometimes help someone at a greater distance as well. It might end up being the better outcome for both people.

Edited July 18 by eos_nyxia

[puporing]

I don't know enough details but.. does she have any other family or connections besides you? Is there some kind of social assistance she could apply to and qualify for? Are there some fields of work she could possibly enter with the physical/mental limitations..? 

And how did she end up in this situation? You know our society has no support for children with bad parents if that's why she ended up with all these problems. All they usually do is to tell you to go back to your abusers. A lot of the homeless population is from bad families..

And yeah.. it's a hard call. If they are truly isolated in this world and have literally no other options.. it's possible she could end up homeless. But I think there are probably some ways she could still earn some living over time and maybe some assistance at the same time depending. Moving to a lower cost city also helps.

I think you are in the same country I am in..it's becoming more and more of a sh*thole here and harder and harder to get by. Actually the more awake you are the more it looks like a sh*thole.

Edited July 19 by puporing

[Brittany]

On 7/8/2024 at 8:15 PM, integral said:

I found myself in a situation where I created a relationship where I have to take care of someone who is likely permanently sick and requires my lifetime support. They cannot and will never be able to take care of themselves due to various health issues and mental limitations.

Be very careful with the people you allow inside your circle because once they’re in there you cannot just abandon them.

I am not saying that you should abandon them.......

But you can absolutely set boundaries with people who are needy, sick, dying, mentally ill/suicidal or require support. That even includes your elderly sick parents.

A lot of times this "You are the ONLY one who can save me" is the voice of someone who is subtly manipulating you.

I am not saying you shouldn't help them. But just be careful of this "I am the ONLY one who can save them" voice. It is often not true.

Edited July 19 by Brittany

[Salvijus]

 

On 2024-07-19 at 1:28 AM, eos_nyxia said:

For any level of responsibility you've accepted, you can theoretically just as easily unaccept it. There is no rule that says you have to continue to do something just because you started it, especially if you did not explicitly agree to do so.  Yea, it will piss people off and hurt their feelings because they feel like you've developed a set precedent. Many take this to be implicit consent. On the flip side, you could just as easily say that they're a grown-ass adult and they're being entitled.

Many people have this thing called "being a people pleaser" and the fear of looking "unfriendly". Especially among friends this pressure not to upset anyone's apple cart is common. 

One has to be really rooted and sensitive to what their true heart's will is to be able stand up against these type of influences.

(btw I wasn't responding to the quote, I was just using it to express some thoughts) 

Edited July 20 by Salvijus

[eos_nyxia]

20 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Many people have this thing called "being a people pleaser" and the fear of looking "unfriendly". Especially among friends this pressure not to upset the apple cart is common. 

One has to be really rooted and sensitive to what their true heart's will is to be able stand up against these type of influences.

(btw I wasn't responding to the quote, I was just using it to express some thoughts) 

Yep, I get it. As a child, I was a people pleaser and only stopped masking when I was alone. You need sensitivity and you need courage.

IMO if you can't establish your boundaries with grace or the weight of doing so gets too heavy to bear (which tends to be the case with people pleasers), you might as well just let people down on purpose. Like, make a point of doing so.

Sometimes being difficult/ bitchy/ asshole-ish will help you get over your fear or preoccupation with being "the bad guy"; being direct has a lot of transformative power. Or being really abrupt. Yea, it's not ideal (it's best not to go nuclear lol), but it's not like you being drained to death magically serves the highest good of this world, let alone yourself. Then you'd get one functional person at best, but most often you'll eventually end up with two people sinking because they're trying to share the same life preserver. So in this case, the pretense of "morality" ("the higher good" via self-sacrifice) is mainly a facade and not something that can exist as a tangible reality.

Sometimes you just have to get yourself out of a difficult situation because literally no one else will do it for you. Or in the case of the OP, be careful of what he is setting himself up for more of in the future.

Let's just say that if they float because they take without consideration and you sink, that's a cause for suspicion. It should be a red flag for people who have issues with boundaries and having a backbone. You're dealing with someone who has no interest in bare-bones reciprocity, and likely willfully turns a blind eye when it's in their self-interest to do so. Meanwhile, only they are allowed to be the primary victim, should things go wrong or not to their liking. Abort ship. Don't let people use your fear of being an asshole against you.

Also, there are plenty of people who are gravely sick, vulnerable, who have been abused and taken advantage of, yet are also conscientious about taking freely and who would feel bad about the lack of reciprocity, or the fact that the person who is giving DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT.

Generally, people who need someone to feed off of (aka. an enabler) will leave pretty quickly when it's clear you mean business, no matter how desperate they say they are. I mean, they might even actually fully believe it. It's important for people to realize that it's not exactly about the words you pick, but the power behind your intentionality. Your emotions. People who need to fill a void urgently are rarely that patient. They've got an empty slot inside them, and you just happen to be there and good enough. It's not even that much about you personally, really.  (Something that people tend to forget when they want to cast themselves as the hero in their life narrative.)

 

Edited July 20 by eos_nyxia