I am forced to take care of someone, What do I do?

[integral]

I found myself in a situation where I created a relationship where I have to take care of someone who is likely permanently sick and requires my lifetime support. They cannot and will never be able to take care of themselves due to various health issues and mental limitations.

I can possibly miraculously fix their body but it’s a longshot.

The insight here is I involved myself in someone’s story and Took on the responsibility of someone else’s life. And now there’s no escape when really what I value is my own time my own hobbies my own pursuits.

I have no interest in carrying a weight around with me for the rest of my life.

Be very careful with the people you allow inside your circle because once they’re in there you cannot just abandon them.

I don’t know what to do with this situation this person is unawake And will never wake up. Everything about them is the resistance of everything in this reality, it’s a mental drain to be in contact with them and they require both constant financial support and emotional support and life support.

Edited July 9 by integral

[Yimpa]

Who is forcing you to take care of them? 

[integral]

22 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Who is forcing you to take care of them? 

A Value to take responsibility 

[Yimpa]

Just now, integral said:

A Value to take responsibility 

Ah, I get that. I also feel responsible for saving my partner from an abusive situation they’re in, but alas, I can only be a light for them. These situations are extremely complex.

I am learning to accept them as they are, rather than trying to fix them to be how I need them to be. Easier said than done.

[Rafael Thundercat]

God bless you.

[Salvijus]

RIP

[Salvijus]

My philosophy is if you're meant to take care of that person, everything will be provided for you in abundance and whatever you're supposed to achieve in life as your destiny will be accomplished. The responsibility will even be an important element for you to accomplish what you're here to do. 

If you're not supposed to hold that responsibility. You'll be in deep suffering every moment of it and you'll probably won't be able to continue anyways. But be aware that there will be some suffering both ways, even if it is your path to take care of that person. Because it's going to challenge your ego on many levels.

So you're in a tricky situation where there's no avoiding some pain ahead but I believe that if a person is true to his heart and you spend time praying for guidance everyday, things will work out in a best way for everyone surrounding you. And eventually some clarity and solace will come about what path you're supposed to walk. Or things may even work out magically by grace without you understanding what happened. 

Rip bro, rip

Edited July 9 by Salvijus

[vibv]

12 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

But be aware that there will be some suffering both ways, even if it is your path to take care of that person. Because it's going to challenge your ego on many levels.

I can totally attest to that. My path seems to involve (kinda) taking care of my SO. While she's in another way taking care of me.

It doesn't please my ego at all times, to say the least. I tried to walk (run?) away but life has a way...

I'm constantly doubting if it's the right path or if i should do the exact opposite. Is my ego not wanting to let go or is it trying to run away? It's not so easy to distinguish, but based on my personal history I'd assume the latter.

But what's true for you — you ultimately have to decide for yourself. As do I.

[Salvijus]

14 minutes ago, vibv said:

I can totally attest to that. My path seems to involve (kinda) taking care of my SO. While she's in another way taking care of me.

It doesn't please my ego at all times, to say the least. I tried to walk (run?) away but life has a way...

I'm constantly doubting if it's the right path or if i should do the exact opposite. Is my ego not wanting to let go or is it trying to run away? It's not so easy to distinguish, but based on my personal history I'd assume the latter.

But what's true for you — you ultimately have to decide for yourself. As do I.

+1 beautiful input. 

Edited July 9 by Salvijus

[LastThursday]

@integral I know this situation all too well, in my case it was a family member.

You're right to be concerned for the welfare of another human being. You're also right to be concerned for your own welfare. The answer then really comes down to this: balance. Looking after someone else can take away from your own freedoms and welfare, so how much are you willing to give up? Is it 100% them and 0% you, or 100% you and 0% them?

Realistically, things will happen organically and you settle down into a pattern, even if it can be detrimental to your own well being.

In the end with my family member things were set up so that effectively they were self sufficient, but regularly I would have to help out with anything that was too complex for them to handle.

A lot can be done so that things are easier on yourself. Involving other people (and professionals) can help a great deal. But also, getting the person themselves to take responsibility helps a lot. After all, if that person had no-one then they would have to fend for themselves in any case. So counterintuitively helping less can be more productive, but it really depends on the situation.

You always have the option to walk away even if it would play on your conscience. It can be done.

[Sincerity]

Who are they to you?

[Danioover9000]

@integral

On 2024-07-09 at 1:15 AM, integral said:

I found myself in a situation where I created a relationship where I have to take care of someone who is likely permanently sick and requires my lifetime support. They cannot and will never be able to take care of themselves due to various health issues and mental limitations.

I can possibly miraculously fix their body but it’s a longshot.

The insight here is I involved myself in someone’s story and Took on the responsibility of someone else’s life. And now there’s no escape when really what I value is my own time my own hobbies my own pursuits.

I have no interest in carrying a weight around with me for the rest of my life.

Be very careful with the people you allow inside your circle because once they’re in there you cannot just abandon them.

I don’t know what to do with this situation this person is unawake And will never wake up. Everything about them is the resistance of everything in this reality, it’s a mental drain to be in contact with them and they require both constant financial support and emotional support and life support.

   Sounds like a tough situation. I feel for you, it can be difficult. Hang in there!

[Applegarden8]

People say to me, ohh just do this and that. Buy some pets, get married, get a car, get a house, just get an apartment and renovate it, let's s go and travel to some bullshit location every week, let's eat shit and play games today and that today happens too often, yeah. Why don't you have children. Why don't you do X with your life?

All of these things take massive amount of time and care. I want to figure what I want to do and spend my time doing it. But a lot of these suggestions sound like, bro I have nothing to do with life, let's fill your free time with all of that too.

I feel you bro.

Edited July 15 by Applegarden8

[Applegarden8]

I just want to add the context here. Almost nobody I have met has asked me what do I want and that it's important. That tells me almost nobody does what they want to do. And that is super sad. And that's why you get so much hate when you do pursue what you want.

Is that idea of you contemplating on what you want to do is too much to ask really? I would like to ask all of those smug people that who are drown in their ideologies. Do you really not love yourself at least that much? You do not even consider it's possible.

And knowing that this has happened to a fellow actualizer it is very sad indeed. Now it's just mainly coping, reflecting, meditating, getting healthier and all that mainly to wait for next lifetime and trying to do bits of pieces of what you actually wanted to do, if you have found a direction.

[Eph75]

@integral There is always choice, and responsibility might be not to say yes.

To do what might be considered "right" out of guilt or obligation - is the absolute opposite of responsibility. 

What makes it more complex is that choice might not be to say no but to accept responsibly without guilt or obligation, ultimaty realizing a stance of wanting to show up - with no buts, no complaining, no regrets, embodying being a commitment to be someone that takes care of that someone. 

If you were there, this thread would not exist, so there are things to process here. 

Life is full of difficult choices. 

From how you frame it, you seem like you don't want this responsibility, and that you never consciously accepted the responsibility to begin with, rather more so slipped into it.

If that's moderately correct, it more sounds like you have to learn to set boundaries and respect yourself first, which might mean saying "no", however difficult that that "no" might be. 

The worst option of all is the one where you fail to act out of responsibility and respect for yourself. 

Edited July 15 by Eph75

[Michael569]

@integral are they a relationship partner or a family? 

Could you say more about their direct relationship to you in the hierarchy of the whole family? 

Edited July 15 by Michael569

[integral]

8 hours ago, Eph75 said:

@integral There is always choice, and responsibility might be not to say yes.

To do what might be considered "right" out of guilt or obligation - is the absolute opposite of responsibility. 

What makes it more complex is that choice might not be to say no but to accept responsibly without guilt or obligation, ultimaty realizing a stance of wanting to show up - with no buts, no complaining, no regrets, embodying being a commitment to be someone that takes care of that someone. 

If you were there, this thread would not exist, so there are things to process here. 

Life is full of difficult choices. 

From how you frame it, you seem like you don't want this responsibility, and that you never consciously accepted the responsibility to begin with, rather more so slipped into it.

If that's moderately correct, it more sounds like you have to learn to set boundaries and respect yourself first, which might mean saying "no", however difficult that that "no" might be. 

The worst option of all is the one where you fail to act out of responsibility and respect for yourself. 

it’s like if my girlfriend accidentally got pregnant and had twins now my life needs to revolve around the family there is absolutely no escaping this responsibility. My train has to be redirected towards them.

I have the ability to set a boundary at this very moment but there are situations where you cant escape by setting boundaries you have to stand up and get the job done. Setting boundaries can be like running away.

it’s true like you said I accepted a certain amount of responsibility but then it kept escalating and now it overstepped.

but it’s Very difficult to say no and just accept that you failed someone and you don’t even know what they’re doing with there life anymore and Because of your inaction they are struggling.

like are you going to abandon your children? never, so then why is it OK to do that with a girlfriend?

@Michael569 yes it’s a gf of 2 years now, basically they want me to become a family man, work to support them and fix there mental and physical health issues. While also requiring large amounts of my time for support.

basically i don’t want to do this so I have to set a boundary but really what’s more important my needs or there’s?

Edited July 15 by integral

[Salvijus]

45 minutes ago, integral said:

basically i don’t want to do this so I have to set a boundary but really what’s more important my needs or there’s?

God's needs

What you have to figure out is if helping them is of service to God or is it just pampering their egos. There are times when turning your back on someone will force them to take responsibility for their lives. And that's the best thing you can do for them. And there are times where God wants you to help them actively because that's what's most beneficial for you both. 

You're not going to figure out what is the right thing to with your intellect. You have to pray like a madman. And the heart will tell you what is the right thing to do. 

 

Edited July 15 by Salvijus

[Michael569]

@integral I don't want to be telling you what to do man but that's such a HUGE set of red flags that I'd seriously be considering terminating that relationship.

I am sorry for the health issues she is facing but we have a system in place to support chronic disease. But I doubt it's right that you are being asked to be the caretaker if you're not even married.

Unless you feel this person is ultimately your soulmate and you know "she's the one" but I don't get that vibe from the way you describe her.

People can change...but most don't, especially not those with a massive victim mentality and self entitlement issues.

And you only have one life and your youth won't last forever.....

 

Edited July 15 by Michael569

[Sincerity]

So sorry dude. This is a fucked up situation but ultimately a huge opportunity for a lesson in life (whatever it's supposed to be for you). Suffering is a gift, in it it is hidden mercy as they say. I would hate to be in your situation. You're strong. I wish you well.