Awakening to Honesty | My Desires are Immaterial | The Vitality within my Death Drive

[Keryo Koffa]

I've been doing a lot of shadow work and my circumstances and abilities improved, the reality I live in has various experiences and many learning opportunities, I've learned to be more attuned and less resistant to them. At the same time I envy the context of which Seth speaks, a reality where any act is immediately materialized, experienced and traversed, the system of probabilities with a focus on exploration and intent.

I find myself having many desires that do not fit in the context of my current reality, its focus is very physical and societal in nature, but this also predisposes rather linear and grounded evolution and slows down the range of possible experience and the rate of its materialization. I find myself having many desires that go beyond what I can experience in it, exploring alien realms and new vivid environments, creatively and intuitively constructing a visual space around me unbound by the laws of three dimensional existence, transforming my body into various gestalts and experiencing new senses, being free of responsibilities, routines and physiological needs, splitting my consciousness into various interactive forms and personalities simultaneously, expanding the scope of qualia, shape environments fast through precise intent, materialize various contexts, scenarios and events, exploring emotions experientially reflected in form, gaining ever deeper insights into the structure and functioning of various realities, raising my awareness holistically rather than through intellectual externalized experiments and access a deeper level of intelligence that understands to great depth various lifeforms and the nature of self.

And I desire all that more than anything else, although my current reality is a peaceful and malleable one and I can live my life happily inside its current context and grow through experience, knowledge, hardship, communication and it has its own rewards in the nature of its exploration of human evolution and the polarity of separation/unity and strive for harmony, despite ever growing obstacles. But ultimately, although I can attune myself to it, it is not what my heart desires the most and I grow ever more dissatisfied that I cannot more freely and experientially access the raw nature of consciousness itself through the act of creation and self-exploration.

Up until now, I felt shame that I was not altruistic enough, the lacking sense of self and individuality in the current context as a result of having immaterial desires, pushed me once to seek only to help others and to experience happiness only through relationships and social dynamics alone, yet that made me dependent and miserable, and I could not relate much of the time, the closeness that I seek I did not experience, it always appeared that everyone was too focused on physical activities and did not feel the same depth of a sense of lack as I did.

But I realize I was suppressing my own desires, since they could rarely find an outlet and any identifications and projections were insufficient, physical reality locked me into its own context, and to lead the life available would result in duty and obligation, not genuine desire, I tried to join many social contexts, but could not relate to the experiences of people within them, for most of my life I was rather clumsy when it came to practical matters, recently I worked on that and let go of many neuroses, becoming more attuned and practical, but that only created a new identity, one that adapts but still feels unfulfilled. I've started exploring spirituality and it benefited my wellbeing immensely but it seems gratitude can only distract from unfulfilled yearnings.

Seth says part of me strongly desired three dimensional life, that there are individual and collective dramas continuously worked on, I've gathered many experiences and desires, fascinations and perspectives over my childhood and teenage years. The context is always changing, a grander understanding forming, emotions integrate. I honestly desire to leave, I've been drawn to various life circumstances, yogic teachings, buddhist philosophy and madasamadhi, simultaneously I place great value on life, my body and cells, unfinished studies and feel more free than ever to explore the world and witness the upcoming technological singularity.

I've transmuted morality, arguments of duty and obligation bind me no longer. Needs, discipline, worthiness, external projections of what I do and do not deserve no longer concern me. I find ever greater appreciation and empathy for others and I am alienated from them all the same, realizing the vanity, monotony and excesses of current life, compensating for the lack of spiritual and existential vitality and vigor. Spirituality itself often partakes in the charade, when it becomes an identity. Art itself has been my purpose but it's so limiting to express it, I would much rather become it. I genuinely seek a more expansive state of consciousness, a creative becoming, an eternal journey of self-exploration, unbound to any context and rules, reliance on others. Altruism can be an authentic desire, it can also be the greatest trap to reinforce existence and suffer dishonest repression in the process.

While I am alive, I will live my life fully, but I am not drawn to remain here. Looking back at all my past psychedelic trips, though I didn't notice it then, each experience pointed me to it. In my first, I gave myself an absolute, to accept myself fully or end it right there, the second made me aware of the sensation of being alive, the third made me dance and put me through grief, the forth made me battle to let go of the past, the fifth explored the nature of society, sixth of technology, seventh of animism. In the eighth I was afraid of dissolving into god, the ninth afraid to meet aliens, tenth I was battling fear itself, then surrender, existence, dissolution, transience. I have mistakenly tried to change my desires, the true ones always remain. Self-suppression, excuses, external distractions. Self-creation, interconnection, being complete by myself. Kundalini, prayer, health, honesty. I had the need to understand all of reality, another distraction from facing the end, I've accelerated my cognition to skim through the knowledge, the act itself becoming monotonous. I'm still here, my body alive, future loosely planned, I let go of relationships, I didn't have many to begin with. I want to be free but I will not hurt my body, it is made of pure love. On many trips I kept saying desperately "I want to go home", a place beyond this time and space

 

On one hand, I seek psychedelics now more than ever, on the other Seth's take on them is an estranged one and the integration of my whole being might be better achieved naturally, than chemically, yet I can't deny the directness of psychedelics and my own impatience in expanding the horizons of my own experience, Seth's excerpts do lead me to contemplate and reconsider however:

 

"When large doses of chemicals are used, the conscious mind is confronted full blast with very potent experiences that it was not meant to handle, and by which it is purposely made to feel powerless. Faced with the exterior nightmares of wars and natural disasters, the conscious mind is still directed outward into that world with which it knows it was formed to cope. In periods of great physical stress it draws upon the powers of the body and inner self to perform remarkable feats of heroism, that leave it wondering afterward at the power and energy of the self in crisis. Its own stability and awareness can be vastly deepened and strengthened. In times of seemingly calamitous encounters with nature, individuals may find themselves amazed at their capacity to relate with other people.

But in the artificially induced psychic disaster area of massive LSD therapy, the situation is reversed. Consciousness finds itself in a crisis situation; not because of one coming from the exterior world, but because it is forced to fight on a battleground for which it was never designed and cannot understand, where basically counted-upon allies of association, memory and organization, and all the powers of the inner self, are suddenly turned into enemies. It is made vulnerable to all those forces it was meant to lead, while being stripped of its natural logical abilities indeed, of its very sense of identity. There is nothing exterior against which it can work, and no framework in which it can get balance.

Ruburt has been working on a book of poems called The Dialogues , and in it recently he wrote of the double worlds. One night he stood at the kitchen window, and quite without drugs saw a rainy puddle below suddenly turn into an alive, beautifully fluid creature who stood up and walked while the rain slid off its liquid sides. He was filled with joy as he observed this reality. He knew that in the physical world the puddle was flat, but that he was perceiving another just as solid reality; a larger one, in fact, in which that rain creature had its being. For a moment he saw double worlds with his physical vision. While the experience was exhilarating, it could have turned into a "nightmare" had his conscious mind not clearly understood; had he walked outside, for example, and found himself encountering living creatures rising out of each rainy puddle; and if for the life of him he could not have turned the creatures back. As it was, it was a beneficial experience. But when the conscious mind is forced to face far less pleasant encounters, and is robbed of its power to reason at the same time, then you do indeed insult the basis of its being.

The meaning of the light will normally become unfolded as he is ready to fully perceive it. While the event has happened, therefore, like any event it is not completed. In the drug experience mentioned before, startling, enforced symbols and occurrences are suddenly thrust upon the conscious mind; and more, within a context in which time as it knows it has little meaning. The conscious mind cannot reflect upon phenomena subjectively. They happen too quickly. Within their happening there may be a distorted, grotesque duration in which action may be seemingly impossible. No separation between self and experience may be allowed. Even an exalted experience can be an assault upon consciousness if it is forced. The price paid is much too high as far as the entire personality is concerned. The feelings that are often realized in later sessions, say of rebirth, are indeed that. The old organizations of the self have fallen, and the new structures do indeed rejoice in their oneness and vitality. A strong suicidal base frequently exists here. The knowledge is present that the "old self did not make it so what assurance does the so called new self have? Again, the body is a living sculpture.

You are in it and you form it, and it is to all intents and purposes you while you are physical. You must identify your material being with it. Otherwise you will feel alienated from your biological identity. This identity is your physical self through which now, in your terms, all expression must come. You are more than your temporal being alone. Your life as a creature is dependent upon your alliance with flesh. You will exist when your body is dead, but practically speaking, you will always be working through an image of yourself.

If you identify with your body alone, then you may feel that life after death is impossible. If you consider yourself a mental being only, however, you will not feel alive in the flesh, but separated from it. Think of yourself as a physical creature now. Know that later you will still operate through another form, but that the body and the material world are your present modes of expression. These attitudes are highly important. In a strong drug experience you take physical demonstration out of its natural framework, presenting it in such a way that its usual reactions make no sense. A world may be tumbling down upon you, for example, yet there is no adequate physical defense or retaliation possible.

The psychiatrist may say, "Go along entirely with the experience. If necessary become annihilated." This flies directly in the face of your biological heritage, and the common sense of the conscious mind. I am quite aware of the distorted religious connections made here: Die to yourself and you will be reborn; you will not kill yourself. What you think of as the self dies and is reborn constantly, as the cells of your body do. Biologically and spiritually, new life relies upon these innumerable changes and transformations, deaths and births that occur naturally both in the seasons of the earth and those of the psyche.

Change flexibly with the gracious dance of all being that is reflected in the universe of the body and mind. This does not include the crucifixion of the ego.

It is always because you do not trust the natural self that you resort to such drug therapy. The individuals who seek out treatment fear the nature of their own identity more than anything else. They are then only too willing to sacrifice it. Your thoughts and beliefs form your reality. There is, as Joseph said in our break, no magic therapy, only an understanding of your own great creativity, and the knowledge that you yourself make your world.

In physical life the soul is clothed in chemicals, and you will use the ingredients you take into your body to form an image that is in line with your beliefs. Some of these ideas will undoubtedly be accepted by you from your culture. Others will be your own private interpretation of yourself in flesh. Your beliefs about any chemical will affect what it does to you. Under LSD therapy you expect a drastic reaction and are told to prepare yourself. Your experience will follow your beliefs and your therapist's, communicated verbally and telepathically."

 

And yet, I would not be where I am and would have continued to suffer greatly, were it not for psychedelics, yet any expert on them eventually seems to discontinue their use.