Unconsciousness from a Conscious Perspective

[Keryo Koffa]

I take agency, I take responsibility, I let go of suffering, I recognize inevitability, my experience feels better, there's no point in judging it, I am not in control of what happens to me but I am fully in control of how I react and program my mind, I face and transmute emotions, I feel empowered.

But, what if I'm thrust into terrible conditions, put to the test, made to suffer, physically and mentally. What if I'm running away from apathy, from depression, from judgement. What if I abuse empathy and love? What if I alienate myself from earthly life in the process. What if I attract the opposite experience to make me aware of suffering. I don't want to but if its inevitable its inevitable, right? But maybe I'm not accepting enough of it? At this point, I don't see the point of ignorance but maybe there is. What happened to Leo in the last year? I'm always humbled, I accept humiliation, can I transmute it? There's always more, there's always the chance of facing a demon on psychedelics that will show you how pathetic you are and others can too, destroying your paradigm. I open myself up to that.

I'm afraid to become unconscious, to become ignorant, to lose context, to fall into suffering, to have an accident strip me of my progress. I accept that fear, but it still exists. Right now, I see how I create my own psychology and create my emotional reactions, so I can act consciously, I'm afraid to lose it.

Maybe there's a universal force that always gives us the opposite of what we want to humble us, in my case with the current feelings I feel and direction I take, that would be unconsciousness, lack of agency, suffering, unawareness. Maybe there's a point to all of it, to understand it, to experience that emotional intensity, pain and suffering as an experience, to be humbled, maybe for its own sake, I don't know.

What do you think?