Thread for Dealing with negative Mindsets and Advice to let go of Coping Mechanisms

[Keryo Koffa]

Let me start with one that I've been carrying since childhood, it goes like this: When something bad happens to someone else I think "I'm glad I'm not them, I'd hate it to happen to me, hope they get better so I can feel safer if it actually did, there are so many risks, look at the people who had accidents and be glad you're as careful as  you are" or when I hear someone's detailed interesting experience it goes like "That sounds cool, now I feel like I totally missed out, whatever, it's not that important in the grand scheme of things, I'm not missing out, look, now they're past it and it doesn't matter, they're right back to baseline, hearing about it is much more compact, now I get the insight without wasting all that time".

So I'm looking to let go of these coping mechanisms but the karma runs deep, it might take some time, advice would be nice

And we can expand this thread to look at other tendencies, I bet we all have something others do too but are unaware of

 

[DianaFr]

@Keryo Koffa Great topic! Can you elaborate more - the two examples you mention, what are they letting you cope with? What's the pain?

For me, one of my grandest coping mechanisms is self-sufficiency. It gets triggered especially when I don't feel safe in relation to other people which is almost all the time because of my fundamental childhood trauma. So now it's all about learning to de-sensitize myself and become okay with the discomfort of not running away but practicing communication and conflict resolution instead. Sucks quite a bit, but that's the way up. 

[theleelajoker]

For me, it's very similar to Diana.  As a kid, there was a deficiency in my family with respect to adult role models. Which left me, for good and for bad, on my own very early on. Nobody to rely on, nobody to support me, nobody caring. So, in case of stress, I (used to) rather retreat and distract then seek exposure to feelings, people, situations etc.

The good - compared to most people, I am relatively self sufficient. The bad - I am not closely as self sufficient as my coping mechanisms wants me to believe lol. 

I mentioned it before in this forum - best way for me to let go of it is building a system. Understanding what's happening and how (trauma mechanism, constructed emotions e.g.), regulating nervous systems exercises (breath, yoga, meditations), making conscious (and adapting) believe systems,  making commitments to seek exposure, practicing authenticity, psychedelics, taking interpersonal risks by speaking up, etc etc

 

Little anecdote:

I was and still am quite happy with my progress in the last months. And I thought many people are dealing with similar stuff. At least that's what I hear and observe. So I even started to give a free course about these topics.

The result? Almost nobody came. Those that came - almost nobody listened. They were physically there, but I could see that they were not really listening. Almost no effort at all to even try to understand the information I was offering. After two courses, I am very disillusioned.

People are so stressed, they are so much prisoners of their own mind and habits, people are so unhappy - but when given a chance to get out of this, they do not even get to the stage of trying some ideas. They don't even listen enough to get to the point where the would be in a position to try just a little thing and see if it works for them...

Why do you think that is?

I have my own theories, but I am interested in other opinions. Of course I can communicate better, more clearly etc but I am working in teaching and consulting 10 years+ and given the feedback I get I am confident that I my ability  structure and present information is "good enough" to be understood by people that are actually listening.