After the Unbearable Pain

[James123]

Hello everyone. My son's situation is getting better. However, after what happened that little happy guy inside of me has died. I don't talk much anymore, if i talk, i just talk about the truth, i start to pray 5 times a day, i almost surrender every second like there is no future second (because my life slip underneath of my feed, after all those happening), therefore every moment is last moment, i become like 80 years old person whom is waiting for actual death. 

Could you please share your ideas wtf is going on with me? İ recognize what enlightenment is, i know that fundamentally i am literally nothing, however as a self, i am a human being. 

But i really don't know wtf is going on now, i have lost my all feelings towards to the universe, including my own death. 

Moreover, i literally know and embody that nothing is under my control. Because, when i try to control something, the pain is too heavy for me. 

Edited June 19 by James123

[Someone here]

You are going through a dark night of the soul.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this . Are you suicidal?  If so please seek professional help .this is not the first time you make posts like these. 

Over the 2021 year  ..I  suffered from anxiety disorder and panic attacks . I tried therapy of course. I saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some SSRI’S.  Namely Prozac.. Invega.. and  zyprexa. They have some nasty side effects (dry mouth ..needing to pee constantly..erectile dysfunction and lack of sexual interest). But they are 100% worth it . Try these medicines for few weeks and notice how your depression will subside effortlessly.  Thats the physiological aspect.  Also you want to eat food that helps the brain to release feeling good chemicals (serotonin, dopamine etc). Like fish .

The psychological aspect is not less important. What I did is I tried a meditation technique called (watch the space between thoughts ). I" invented" this technique myself.  I talked about it here :

Give it a read . What this meditation technique does is it blocks away the whole story of your past and the whole story about your future.  And makes you 100% grounded in the present moment.  And there is no anxiety to be found in the present. Anxiety is always about what's gone and what's coming.  So when you block away every single thought about your history and your future and just stay with what's present...you will feel safe and secure. 

I have moved from being a fear based person to being a love based person. Anxiety is a form of fear. I can not have fear and faith at the same time. I choose to walk in faith and put myself in the arms of God..where all is safe. I identified each fear and released it replacing it with love and grace. Today.. I live in the moment which is a gift and why it is called The Present. There is no fear in the “Now”. Everything is just like it is supposed to be and I enjoy the moment. 

So in conclusion.: try these medications mentioned above +try this meditation technique +put your trust and faith in God. The only place who you can let go and enter the kingdom of heaven. 

I wish you a long happy life with peace in your heart .

[shree]

Hey @James123

 

I am deeply sorry for what you're going through with your son. As a father of two, I can feel your pain.

 

My son also had a serious condition (something different) two years ago. He was repeatedly treated with casual antibiotic prescriptions until we sought other opinions.

 

It took energy, time, money, and many other resources, but after several surgeries in a specialized hospital, the doctors said he might struggle with it in the future. However, since then, he hasn't needed antibiotics, not even once.

 

From a child who was always sick and dependent on antibiotics, he grew into a super smart little boy with a lot of energy. He's often hard to handle, but most importantly, he is very healthy now!

 

I understand that you are going through a hard time, but I want to remind you that you are everything your child has. Sometimes, we need to fake a smile so those little ones don’t see the reflection of their pain in our faces.

 

I wanted to remind you that after the darkest nights of the soul, a rainbow sometimes appears.

 

Stay strong!

 

I wish your son, you, and your family all the best.

[James123]

42 minutes ago, Someone here said:

You are going through a dark night of the soul.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this . Are you suicidal?  If so please seek professional help .this is not the first time you make posts like these. 

Over the 2021 year  ..I  suffered from anxiety disorder and panic attacks . I tried therapy of course. I saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed me some SSRI’S.  Namely Prozac.. Invega.. and  zyprexa. They have some nasty side effects (dry mouth ..needing to pee constantly..erectile dysfunction and lack of sexual interest). But they are 100% worth it . Try these medicines for few weeks and notice how your depression will subside effortlessly.  Thats the physiological aspect.  Also you want to eat food that helps the brain to release feeling good chemicals (serotonin, dopamine etc). Like fish .

The psychological aspect is not less important. What I did is I tried a meditation technique called (watch the space between thoughts ). I" invented" this technique myself.  I talked about it here :

Give it a read . What this meditation technique does is it blocks away the whole story of your past and the whole story about your future.  And makes you 100% grounded in the present moment.  And there is no anxiety to be found in the present. Anxiety is always about what's gone and what's coming.  So when you block away every single thought about your history and your future and just stay with what's present...you will feel safe and secure. 

I have moved from being a fear based person to being a love based person. Anxiety is a form of fear. I can not have fear and faith at the same time. I choose to walk in faith and put myself in the arms of God..where all is safe. I identified each fear and released it replacing it with love and grace. Today.. I live in the moment which is a gift and why it is called The Present. There is no fear in the “Now”. Everything is just like it is supposed to be and I enjoy the moment. 

So in conclusion.: try these medications mentioned above +try this meditation technique +put your trust and faith in God. The only place who you can let go and enter the kingdom of heaven. 

I wish you a long happy life with peace in your heart .

Thank you very much for your input brother. However, i am already under antidepressants. Moreover, it is not dark not soul imo. İmo it is putting and surrendering the everything to god, which is real me. But doing this is so difficult, isn't it? Can you surrender every moment? İ can, but / therefore no personal emotion left. What do you think about this?

[James123]

28 minutes ago, shree said:

 

I am deeply sorry for what you're going through with your son. As a father of two, I can feel your pain.

 

My son also had a serious condition (something different) two years ago. He was repeatedly treated with casual antibiotic prescriptions until we sought other opinions.

 

It took energy, time, money, and many other resources, but after several surgeries in a specialized hospital, the doctors said he might struggle with it in the future. However, since then, he hasn't needed antibiotics, not even once.

 

From a child who was always sick and dependent on antibiotics, he grew into a super smart little boy with a lot of energy. He's often hard to handle, but most importantly, he is very healthy now!

Thank you very much brother. İ really appreciate. Moreover, i am very happy for you and your kids and your family. 

29 minutes ago, shree said:

From a child who was always sick and dependent on antibiotics, he grew into a super smart little boy with a lot of energy. He's often hard to handle, but most importantly, he is very healthy now!

 

I understand that you are going through a hard time, but I want to remind you that you are everything your child has. Sometimes, we need to fake a smile so those little ones don’t see the reflection of their pain in our faces.

 

I wanted to remind you that after the darkest nights of the soul, a rainbow sometimes appears.

But, it is not dark night soul imo. Because, i have realize that nothing is under my control. Therefore, the situation leads to be surrender every moment in order to not the suffer again. Anything can happen anytime, isn't it? Or am I making the situation big deal? What do you think about it?

[shree]

11 minutes ago, James123 said:

Thank you very much brother. İ really appreciate. Moreover, i am very happy for you and your kids and your family. 

But, it is not dark night soul imo. Because, i have realize that nothing is under my control. Therefore, the situation leads to be surrender every moment in order to not the suffer again. Anything can happen anytime, isn't it? Or am I making the situation big deal? What do you think about it?

Honestly, I think that your son's situation might be activating some rejected parts of yourself. Maybe you were in a similar situation and weren't allowed to feel the pain of your own experience.

 

If I’ve learned anything from having kids, it’s that every stage of their development will trigger things that you’ve repressed.

 

But, it's just a wild guess based on my own experiences.

[James123]

1 minute ago, shree said:

Honestly, I think that your son's situation might be activating some rejected parts of yourself. Maybe you were in a similar situation and weren't allowed to feel the pain of your own experience.

 

If I’ve learned anything from having kids, it’s that every stage of their development will trigger things that you’ve repressed.

 

But, it's just a wild guess based on my own experiences.

Great answer, thank you. İ have a heart condition and had a open heart surgery 10 years ago. 

İ think, i suppressed many emotions and feelings there.

Moreover, i consumed lots of weed, pychedelics and other drugs, which destroyed my emotions and thinking process. 

Even if , i recognize that i am nothing. The life is going very though for me.

Do you have any other suggestions about having a kid or being a parent?

[James123]

@Leo Gura what do you think about my situation?

Do you think that i am fucked up in the head? 

[Someone here]

25 minutes ago, James123 said:

Thank you very much for your input brother. However, i am already under antidepressants. Moreover, it is not dark not soul imo. İmo it is putting and surrendering the everything to god, which is real me. But doing this is so difficult, isn't it? Can you surrender every moment? İ can, but / therefore no personal emotion left. What do you think about this?

You're welcome. 

Well..I'm not entirely sure what your situation is or why you are feeling melancholy..could be because of your son ..could be something else . Only you can know .

You said you pray 5 times a day..that's great..keep doing it ..pray 20..30..40 times a day ..turn your life into a living Samadhi.  Be silent . Relax . Love is real .God Is good . Things will change . You might be under the impression that this will last forever. But it won't.  The key is to realize its only a passing cloud 🌥 that's covering the sun. The sun will shine again.have faith brother . I'll pray for you .

BTW what antidepressants exactly are you on ?

[James123]

@Someone here thank you very much brother. İ really do appreciate. 

İ am taking Wellbutrin (300 mg) and abizol (10mg) at the total for per day.

[shree]

9 minutes ago, James123 said:

Do you have any other suggestions about having a kid or being a parent?

Be the father your child needs right now. You do that by actively working on your flaws and giving him the attention he deserves.

 

Attention = love.

 

It sounds obvious, but I need this reminder more often than not.

[James123]

3 minutes ago, shree said:

Be the father your child needs right now. You do that by actively working on your flaws and giving him the attention he deserves.

 

Attention = love.

 

It sounds obvious, but I need this reminder more often than not.

Great, amazing. Thank you very much brother!!!

[Someone here]

@James123 since when are you taking them and why you are taking them if its for too long ?

I sense that there is something else that is bothering you but you are not opening up completely because of what you think people will judge you etc

Imo on the spirtual path (and life in general )  there comes a time when the emotion/trauma work is unavoidable. There comes a time when you cannot think yourself out of misery..the emotions must be released. 

A self realization teacher I spoke with told me her son did the meditation technique which i linked above cured his depression. Give it a try .seriously try it .you've got nothing to lose ..right ?

It really is energetic..the body is letting go of the emotional energies..essentially emptying itself out...Just try it once. You'd be surprised how many diseases stem from unresolved trauma or emotional energies. I'm gonna make a post about it here soon .

[Leo Gura]

Now you understand just how much spiritual fantasy all this enlightenment, nonduality, freedom from suffering, unconditional happiness is. Yet more human games.

God slapped you around and humbled you a bit, which is great. God is still way beyond your comprehension and state of consciousness still dictates your life. This is a healthy dose of reality.

Beware of happy spiritual fantasies of bliss and all that.

But also, don't get nihilistic and cynical either.

What happened to you is that you acquired an attachment (your son), and now you see how powerful attachment is. And now you can appreciate why every other human is so attached.

Edited June 19 by Leo Gura

[Someone here]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Freedom from suffering 

Freedom from suffering is possible and is the aim of all spirtual work . You are conflating pain with suffering. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is how you react emotionally to the pain.

"Happiness means you are having a good dream . Suffering means you are having a bad dream . Awakening is to wake up from the entire dream "-(forgot who said that ).

Also ..please be gentle with him. can you ?

[Leo Gura]

@Someone here No one here is free of suffering. Cut the shit.

Edited June 19 by Leo Gura

[Kuba Powiertowski]

…yes, our human games. Life can challenge us in toughest ways. Surrender to what is, is good. Sometimes very hard but still it’s the best option. What else can you do? Reality is way bigger than us. Stay strong Bro. It’s gonna be ok in the end, at least I hope so.

[Someone here]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Someone here No one here is free of suffering. Cut the shit.

How do you know ?

also dont be so confronting ..i obviously agree that both good and bad exist . You can't  feel good 24/7 . In fact ..I would argue that you can't feel really good without feeling really bad at first . Think about the most delicious food you like ..if you are not hungry you can't enjoy it ..no matter how tasty it is ...you need to suffer first from the pain of hunger to be able to enjoy the taste .

So Freedom from suffering is not that you never have a bad day ..it's that your mindset is that it doesn't fucking matter .you are not identified by the suffering. 

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

your mindset is that it doesn't fucking matter

But your mindset is that it does matter.

[James123]

24 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Now you understand just how much spiritual fantasy all this enlightenment, nonduality, freedom from suffering, unconditional happiness is. Yet more human games.

God slapped you around and humbled you a bit, which is great. God is still way beyond your comprehension and state of consciousness still dictates your life. This is a healthy dose of reality.

Beware of happy spiritual fantasies of bliss and all that.

But also, don't get nihilistic and cynical either.

What happened to you is that you acquired an attachment (your son), and now you see how powerful attachment is. And now you can appreciate why every other human is so attached.

Definitely right. I am the weakest human being in front of god. After this, i will call myself "poor james". 

Can we change my nickname from james123 to "Poor james"?