Exploring Bisexulity from a Repressed Past

[PB351]

Hey everyone, I'm new here! Very recently, within the last week, I am beginning to realize than I might be bi. I have bi-cycled a few times this last week. I'm in my early 20s and just had my first ever date, with a man, almost got bricked up in public several times.

At the start of the date, I saw he had a beard, unlike his pfp, and at first I was disgusted, but then by the end of our hot sweaty date (90 degrees outside) I didn't mind the beard. I'm mainly into trans, femboys, twinks, my fren tried to convince me that I am actually straight because I like most women and only a smallish subgroup of gay guys.

I'm a virgin, I spent a few hours learning of the safety and dangers of dating and all that. I've had few opportunities to get laid with women, this may because I have aspergers and was homeschooled. In college, I spent all my time studying CS and didn't party at all, so didn't learn social stuff there either. Any which way, I identified as incel and blackpilled for a year, but realized blackpill is internally inconsistent because the plain fact is that the average dad you see in direct experience is not a top 15% in terms of looks; but even after I no longer believed in blackpill, I was still not wanting to be a virgin either and felt so alone and hopeless. But Leo's videos have truly changed my life, I went from fundamentalist Baptist to pantheist, from dualism to Idealism, I went from being on the very far right and hating gays, to discovering there are several types of guys I would love to smash.

 

The problem is this: my entire childhood was stage blue, my own brother doesn't like talking to me now because of my long hair, nonetheless I can't imagine coming out the closet to him or my parents. I am extremely confused and going up and down the bi-cyle of sexuality fluidity. My body's raw sentanations, are that I'm attracted to types (Like skinny, pale skin, long hair) and less so whether it's a man or woman. However, my mind grew up with 20 years of hard-nosed trad Christian teachings repressing so so much.

 

How do I get to deeper truths? Bisexuality is already very confusing for most of us, but even more so with a background like mine.

 

Edited June 17 by PB351

[Princess Arabia]

Learn to just relax and let the life energy flows. There's too much labelling and identities with thoughts and not enough allowing for things to be as they are. You're getting caught up with life and meaning and trying to hold on to what cannot be held on to. Look how many labels you've ascribed yourself to in your post. Geesh when you're done, you'll be so tired of trying to live up to all that and be worn out like it seems to be the point you're at right now. Things reveal themselves after a certain time in life and will naturally take care of itself. 

[leebus99]

Princess Arabia makes some good points on labels, but I would suggest you look into 'Pansexuality'. I thought it I was Bi after experimenting with men a few times, but my attraction to women is still much stronger. I am much more specific in the type of guys I am attracted to, and considering myself pansexual rather than bisexual kind of 'opened me up' a little and made me feel like I didn't have to have a 50/50 attraction to the normal gender binary.

Another good topic I picked up from a Bi girl my wife and I dated was that she described herself as bisexual but homo-romantic. We could all argue about semantics till the end of time, but point she was making was that she had sexual attraction to both genders, but only a romantic attraction to other women. Perhaps thinking about your own feelings through these terms might help. I would consider myself pansexual but hetero-romantic.

[LordFall]

I feel what you feel. Props on going on that date that takes a lot of courage. All I'll say is that if you believe in non-duality then it makes sense that fundamentally most of us are going to be on the bisexual spectrum as we're all the same energy. The concept of spiral dynamics does make sense as to why that's so frowned upon.

I think in a few dozen years the large-scale societal shame around it will be pretty much dissolved and we'll all live much closer to one another. 

[PB351]

@Princess Arabia Perhaps so, labels are just a way to give u a rough idea of my life, of course labels can be taken way too seriously.

[PB351]

@LordFall I didn't even consider the overlap between non-dual realization and realization of bisexuality. These past week has been crazy, I am experiencing years of emotions in days. I am trying to open my mind as much as possible to get past the ideologies my parents put onto me. Leo's vid on not knowing helped to kickstart all this. 

[Princess Arabia]

5 hours ago, leebus99 said:

We could all argue about semantics till the end of time, but point she was making was that she had sexual attraction to both genders, but only a romantic attraction to other women

Funny, because I have attraction to both genders but only romantic attraction towards men. Funny how attraction works. I don't even consider myself bi even though I've been with women. I don't even label myself as straight just sexual. Words that come before sexual are just labels we place upon ourselves.