How do I become a competent person again?

[Marvelllious]

Ok so in the past 2 to 3 years I have been dealing with a lot of difficulties and everyday I wait for things to get better which they do to a point but there is a drastic difference to how I was and how I am now that honestly I have no idea what to expect of myself anymore. I'm 19 and just graduated high school with good grades, yesterday I was on my first job interview.

3 years ago I experienced a huge depression where I couldn't think at all. My mind was just completely empty. I couldn't form sentences that made sense and that took a big toll on me because all I ever did growing up was writing essays and thinking deeply about philosophical topics. I tried to better myself everyday because I discovered self dev at an early age. I meditated for 1 to 2 hours a day, I worked out, I worked on creative projects, always trying to learn something new.

When 2021 ended I stopped doing all of that because I suddenly became really extroverted and I was always outside with that slowly my thinking abilities returned and I was so happy that I started indulging in weed, sex and friendships. I stopped caring about anything really except social interactions. I was talking to strangers going out with 30 people in a day constantly creating new friend-groups from scratch. I smoked a lot like 8 joints a day at that time.

I did all sort of rebellious acts at school just because it got me attention. They made me take drug tests but they showed nothing. The school director made me go see a psychologist who really didn't do anything except inflate my ego telling me how smart I was for my age. Until one day they excluded me from the school so now I had to find a new school for my last year of schooling.

I was constantly on Instagram chatting, posting stories, going live.

Then I flew out to Denmark to spend time with my older brother for 1 month. No smoking, not much socializing. My girlfriend broke up with me when I was away from home. I couldn't sleep and I felt so bad.

At the end of the month I started experiencing hallucinations. When I got back to Bulgaria I completely lost track of what is real and what is a dream. Long story short I was going through a psychosis which made me do some surreal things. I fought a police officer because I was thinking somebody was out to get me. Then I entered a clinic for 3 months where I ate shit food, was constantly fed on xanax to go to sleep, I was fighting inmates because they were trying to fuck with me. It was a long psychosis. The doctors thought I developed schizophrenia. But slowly the symptoms disappeared and when I got out of the clinic again I couldn't reason at all. Did not talk and I felt a constant anxiety that I would die because I just became stupid. I felt and still feel to an extent that I became really dumb.

Everything became dull I lost interest in all my hobbies, I lost my values, my goals and dreams. I lost connection to almost everybody I knew from before. I was prescribed pills that would keep me "normal" but after 9 months I stopped them. And here I am now...

I can't find a reason to do anything because I can't relate to anybody really or anything. During the psychosis at one moment I felt like Anubis at the next I felt like Ares then I was somebody else. Everything was changing so quickly that I think it fried my brain. I want to change but honestly I do not know what I want to turn into. It feels like I have exhausted the "positive possibilities" and now they do not seem to be working for me. But it's the same with everything I touch. I lost my creativity, my character. It feels like somebody wiped my save files and now I have to start a new game. I am staying there in the create a new character screen looking at all the classes and races I could pick but they just do not compute with me. I feel like an ant to which somebody is trying to explain what a car is. I am not suffering anymore because I sort of accepted how I am but still it bothering me because yeah I may be young but time flies by so fast. Eventually if I don't get my shit together I will be faced with the consequences of my incompetence.

I sometimes think about suicide because what if I'm hollow all of my life? Why should I keep watching all my potential be destroyed slowly when I can just fasten the process? Because damn does this feel hopeless. It is not causing me insomnia but I know a tsunami is coming. A crocodile will snatch me eventually.

Do I keep waiting? If I have to act what should I do? How do I change this situation? How do I get excited for my life again?

[BEWISE]

That is a lot to digest I commend you for being vulnerable on an open forum. I really cannot give you any answers that will fix all your issues. We must find our own solutions to what makes life enjoyable. Just remember as young man you are laying the foundations for your later years. We live in a time where this is so much access to information and that can be a gift and a curse. Truly you must decide how you want to live your life. If your all over the place then your life will always be chaotic. Try to just simplify your life a little bit to make it more manageable. I mean you have all the answers to your problems stated in your thread. " Eventually if I don't get my shit together I will be faced with the consequences of my incompetence." You cannot win the game of life quickly it is a process. The fallacy of the young man is he wants everything quickly and ends up sacrificing his youth for it and then realizes this shit doesn't work so it was time wasted. By time he figure the shit out he is a little older but wiser. So man just practice patience and don't overthink everything every younger person has been where you are and at some point they had to put in the work and wait for the results. It just how it is. 

[UpperMaster]

@Marvelllious Hey man. I read your story twice and you definitely have gone through a lot. I'm 19 aswell, we're in the same age group. I think the fact that you posted in this forum shows that you know intuitively that there's more to life than what you're experiencing right now. That's good news. That's better than most people. I want you to remind yourself the times you did achieve good results in life. The fact that you meditated for two hours a day is great, no-one does it.

Take small steps. But keep moving forward. I am super dissatisfied with my own progress and have to keep reminding myself that compared to the person I was 2 years ago I am much better. 

I have exams right now, but we can get in touch after my exams finish. I'll be happy to talk to you if you think that would help.

[Marvelllious]

@UpperMaster  yea man sure thing.

[Marvelllious]

@BEWISE I get what you are saying. I just do not understand why what happened did what it did. It just does not make any sense and for the time being I have not found what could help. It's a mess and I hope it does get better because it would be a shame if it is not solvable.

[Marvelllious]

@UpperMaster just text me and we can exchange discords and talk