It's all meaningless

[BojackHorseman]

It is. No question. And it should be freeing. It sometimes is and was up until a certain point.

But now it's driving me crazyer everyday. I could try and change my lifestyle. I could divorce, meet new people, find a new activity, but I don't care.

What would it change? Humans interactions are always the same.

I feel like I've reach the end of my interest for life. But I don't even want to kill myself. So I'm just stuck in this body with no purpose and I don't think I even want one anymore.

It feels so bad that I kind of want to try anything to stop feeling like that, but I don't know what to do. I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the first time in life very soon but I doubt he can teach me anything about myself, and I don't want meds cause I have terrible medical anxiety and just thinking back about everything that can happen when taking meds for depression/anxiety/adhd/autism or whatever it is I have, is borderline starting up panic attack in me. Also so many people saying they felt like zombies, they're better off without meds etc.
Plus if I get meds as a patch over my wound it doesn't fix the wound. Something must be wrong in my life but I can't figure out what. Or maybe not. Maybe my brain isn't working correctly.

Not sure how anyone can help. I'm just desperate (again, but worse every time)

[k-ahmadzadeh]

I agree with your statement that it's all meaningless; and share the same persistent apathetic mood. 

It seems to me that such case is a sign that the brain isn't working correctly, because average people feel pleasure or get satisfaction from doing banal, ordinary things. Averagely, humans are programmed to get satisfaction from doing 'meaningless' stuff. But somehow some of us realize that most things are boring and banal. I don't have solution except a cope. 

The cope here is persistently engaging one activity from which you can get at least a bit pleasure. In this case, you should have a goal and you should consistently work in the way of achieving it. Additionally, escapist staff can help you to spend your time with less suffering: like music, video games, movies, etc. The less suffering in your daily life, the more bearable life is. 

[UnbornTao]

If it's meaningless, and then again, we don't know that, you can create meaning. If it's meaningless, why the negative disposition? Isn't a negative attitude towards that still operating from meaning? Of course, negative is still meaningful. Perhaps you're misunderstanding what this is about, and you are in fact free to create any meaning that you want for your life consciously. Make it empowering and healthy, and set out goals for yourself to move towards. It could be mastering a skill, becoming enlightened, becoming a professional athlete, or whatever. The point is that the purpose pushes you to new experiences and learning opportunities, and that it "embiggens" you (shows up on The Simpsons).

Also: What is meaning?

Something to contemplate.

Edited June 20 by UnbornTao

[Ulax]

Here's my take.

The focusing on the question of meaning is sort of besides the point. The question of why you are focusing on that question in the way you are is much more important to your present issues.

The reason you are focusing in this way is because of your mental health issues. If they were solved you would simply not focus on the question of meaning in the same way.

In terms of fixing your mental health issues, I'd get a trauma therapist who is at least level 2 trained in IFS therapy. And, make it a priority. (Here is a list of people trained in IFS https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners)

All the best, mate.

Edited June 18 by Ulax

[Yimpa]

On 6/14/2024 at 5:23 PM, BojackHorseman said:

I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the first time in life very soon but I doubt he can teach me anything about myself, and I don't want meds

The main point of seeing a psychiatrist is to get prescribed meds. What else would you be doing there, having a philosophical discussion?

My response is pretty biased tho since I’ve seen a bunch of crappy psychiatrists. Hopefully yours is more open-minded!

Edited June 18 by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Ulax said:

In terms of fixing your mental health issues, I'd get a trauma therapist who is at least level 2 trained in IFS therapy. And, make it a priority. (Here is a list of people trained in IFS https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners)

Have you done IFS yourself? And why are there different levels?

[Ulax]

17 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Have you done IFS yourself?

Yep

17 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

And why are there different levels?

Think level 1 is more generalized, then higher levels get more into specifics. I.e. using IFS with dissociative clients.

[ZenAlex]

Subjective meaning is still meaning. 

[petar8p]

On 15. 06. 2024. at 0:23 AM, BojackHorseman said:

It is. No question. And it should be freeing. It sometimes is and was up until a certain point.

But now it's driving me crazyer everyday. I could try and change my lifestyle. I could divorce, meet new people, find a new activity, but I don't care.

What would it change? Humans interactions are always the same.

I feel like I've reach the end of my interest for life. But I don't even want to kill myself. So I'm just stuck in this body with no purpose and I don't think I even want one anymore.

It feels so bad that I kind of want to try anything to stop feeling like that, but I don't know what to do. I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the first time in life very soon but I doubt he can teach me anything about myself, and I don't want meds cause I have terrible medical anxiety and just thinking back about everything that can happen when taking meds for depression/anxiety/adhd/autism or whatever it is I have, is borderline starting up panic attack in me. Also so many people saying they felt like zombies, they're better off without meds etc.
Plus if I get meds as a patch over my wound it doesn't fix the wound. Something must be wrong in my life but I can't figure out what. Or maybe not. Maybe my brain isn't working correctly.

Not sure how anyone can help. I'm just desperate (again, but worse every time)

Go jump on a trampoline

[Ero]

@BojackHorseman You are passing through the stage of nihilism (called also "dark night of the soul"). It occurs when your previous belief system is disbanded and you lose that sense of purpose.

I don't know how long it has been for you, but it took about 6 months for me to get out of it when I was in a similar situation. I was in a state of "grey-ness", where I had no emotions and nothing seemed interesting.

The way I got out of it is by starting to slowly engage with life in order to find a new purpose. Of course life is objectively "meaningless", because otherwise you wouldn't have the ability to choose what is meaningful for you.

Two routines that helped me greatly were walks in nature and running/working out - both provably elevate your internal state. Through continuous contemplation and experience I was able to find a new intermediate purpose that later revealed itself as a life-long one. 

P.S - A lot of people still feel like zombies, hah. You are clearly higher consciousness than most, so it will inevitably feel this way. But you will eventually find people closer to you to match with. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt9v2iGa5uw

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbQr70rfwQg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2anxOUgl1A

Edited June 21 by Raze

[integral]

Ahhhh so some people as children as they grow up they develop a worldview deeply tied to everything being meaningful, then when it breaks they’re devastated.

But some people inherently don’t build their worldview based on meaning and so they never experience this break.

Most thinking types by the time they’re 14 or 15 they view things from the lens that everything is meaningless from Scientific materialism. That you were just some brain firing neurons love is a chemical reaction this kind of thing. So for someone like that to then transition to a different worldview that the brain is imaginary for example they don’t need to go through the process of realizing everything is meaningless they already understood this from their previous paradigm.

What I would love to know is what was the previous paradigm that you had were you didn’t realize everything was meaningless? How did you previously think the world was?

[BojackHorseman]

On 21/06/2024 at 1:57 AM, integral said:

Ahhhh so some people as children as they grow up they develop a worldview deeply tied to everything being meaningful, then when it breaks they’re devastated.

But some people inherently don’t build their worldview based on meaning and so they never experience this break.

Most thinking types by the time they’re 14 or 15 they view things from the lens that everything is meaningless from Scientific materialism. That you were just some brain firing neurons love is a chemical reaction this kind of thing. So for someone like that to then transition to a different worldview that the brain is imaginary for example they don’t need to go through the process of realizing everything is meaningless they already understood this from their previous paradigm.

What I would love to know is what was the previous paradigm that you had were you didn’t realize everything was meaningless? How did you previously think the world was?

Not sure how to answer this right now cause my brain is mush and my english is bad, but I was never very material or scientific at all

Very air headed, emotional, passionate, mostly about art, I guess that's the big picture?

[integral]

@BojackHorseman how is your sleep quality?

[Math]

@BojackHorseman hey man, I feel you. I do music, that gives a lot of meaning. art in general, start appreciating something

[BojackHorseman]

On 29/06/2024 at 0:27 PM, integral said:

@BojackHorseman how is your sleep quality?

Bad in a way, I rarely wake up refreshed, and when it happens, my batteries run out quickly, been like that my whole life
Doc made me do some test, last one left is for sleep apnea, appointment in...one year

 

On 18/06/2024 at 3:34 AM, UnbornTao said:

If it's meaningless, and then again, we don't know that, you can create meaning

I know, but lately it's getting worse and I feel like I have no desire for literally anything

[BojackHorseman]

My need for success is dead (I gained a bit of fame this past month on social media and it doesn't even feel good so what was it that I wanted this whole time when thinking about this? Also I don't even feel like doing art, I never had anything to say, my brain doesn't work).
My need for love too.
I barely even want anything. Nothing, even my former passions, feels good for more than 30 mn anymore (and even then I'm still kind of detached)

 

What the hell do I do now?

I was wondering if screens weren't playing a role in all of this. I'm basically spending my life on those.

But then if I give it up even entirely, what then, read books? Isn't this also just another for of escapism, or being with myself only?

Maybe then I become smarter? For what? I don't care about humans anymore.

This feels terrible. No desire is the worst. I don't even want to numb myself anymore. I want to be stupid and insensitive.

 

Edited July 5 by BojackHorseman

[UnbornTao]

20 hours ago, BojackHorseman said:

I know, but lately it's getting worse and I feel like I have no desire for literally anything

If you knew you'd be able to do it, experientially.

Then, create desire and enthusiasm. 

What do you want to be up to? A hobby, a study, a business you're passionate about? Find out.

Edited July 6 by UnbornTao

[Carl-Richard]

Medicine and therapy can help rebuild your brain which has been damaged from constant stress, get you back on your feet again, develop some desire for life again and create a foundation of vitality where you can build a meaningful vision that will sustain you into the future. How you view things right now is not necessarily how you have to view them, and you are able to change. All you need is a little push to get the ball rolling. Looking for outside help, whatever help you can find, is one of the best things you can do. We're not made to sit with our problems alone.

Edited July 6 by Carl-Richard

[BojackHorseman]

2 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Medicine and therapy can help rebuild your brain which has been damaged from constant stress, get you back on your feet again, develop some desire for life again and create a foundation of vitality where you can build a meaningful vision that will sustain you into the future. How you view things right now is not necessarily how you have to view them, and you are able to change. All you need is a little push to get the ball rolling. Looking for outside help, whatever help you can find, is one of the best things you can do. We're not made to sit with our problems alone.

I have been recommanded medication (sertraline), but due to huge medical anxiety, makes me afraid, knowing there are frequent secondary effects.
And, further than that, some people do seem to regret taking them (or other mediction for depression, anxiety or whatnot), cause they didn't felt like themselves in a way to put it simply. Plus hard to get off those I belive?

But also, I fell like 1) it's me giving up and being lazy on solving my life
And 2) putting a band aid on a broken bone and not actually fix the problems. Kind of like numbing myself to make me believe my life is ok, when there's still (probably) something deeper I need to understand about why my life makes me that unhappy (I am probably hiding something from myself or not realizing my lifestyle is totally wrong for me or something)

Sorry, I know the usual answer for depression is "take your medication", so I probably sound very annoying and stubborn (which I am)