I'm too stupid to get out of this maze

[Curious_classic]

I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve this issue and conflicts between my aspirations, desires, and my mysterious passions. The first reason is that I can't communicate the issue to myself and to others in the way it needs to be communicated.

● the lp course that I failed at:

I did the life purpose course three times now. The first time, I jumped to the conclusion that I need to be a writer. How? Let me introduce you to the stupidest jump to conclusions in my life. I watched a documentary of Leonardo DaVinci, and I was moved. I thought to myself, "I can do everything he did in my fictional stories." To think of it, how dumb I was and still am.

● what I like about creativity:

And the way I think of it, I know it's just BS, but I gravitate towards creating a mix of memories and emotions and channeling them into work; it can be therapeutic. Coming up with and fishing for ideas, especially those that come while doing mind wandering and brainstorming using mind maps, emotionally impacting others—I just want it. I feel the loss once I let go of writing.

 

● love hate relationship with writing:

 

But here's the thing that pisses me off: I don't want to write in Arabic. I don't agree with their agenda. I like to write for an English American audience or any country that is as far as possible from interrupting my freedom of speech and thought. So, my English is awful for a writer. I didn't even put time to punctuate properly. The thing is that I can't understand novels that well, so I get bored, but maybe it's due to me being uninterested, maybe. Now, I like coming up with ideas, but the process of writing—I procrastinate it like it's going to kill me. I can't write even for 10 minutes. I go through phases during the day, from thinking that words aren't enough and visual storytelling is better, to phases where I fall in love with the beauty of abstract concepts and the inspiration they bring. I have a love-hate relationship with writing.

 

● not enjoying the process of writing:

 

I want to add that prior to this, I was a graphic designer and video editor. I used to draw all day non-stop, so this leads me to doubt that I love writing even more. I become very disciplined when I do video editing or draw something, but with writing, I can't. I can be disciplined reading but not writing. Maybe it's the act of booting the PC that's stopping me because when I do write with pencil and paper, I write for about 2 hours maximum. But the problem isn't discipline; it's that I think writing doesn't have any results. I see some people work on big projects for years to only receive 100 readers. This made me lose hope. But the biggest killer of all hopes is artificial intelligence. It's making me want to end it. The creative process doesn't matter now; it's all down to a phrase and clicking generate. What is the use of going fishing for ideas if all the ideas are on a free vending machine? I'm losing my mind, and there is not enough literature about this topic.

● robert Greene's mastery:

I tried Robert Greene's perspective. I've read Frames of Mind, which is, by the way, rubbish according to science. I tried to search for the signs and get back to my childhood only to find myself mystified and stuck in a maze. Between love of cartoons, music, technology, and history, this led me to think that the self-help industry is very flawed, and BS is everywhere. And the idea of the life task in itself is a delusion. There is no such thing as you are meant to accomplish only one thing. I believe in aspiring to something, then achieving it, no matter what type of intelligence you have. And the best piece of advice I took from self-help is from "So Good They Can't Ignore You": "Don't follow your passion." Well, now I've transitioned into e-commerce, and my goal is financial freedom. As toxic as it is to follow money, it's not as toxic as a life of weakness and poverty that is led by intuition and passion.

Edited June 10 by Curious_classic
I tried to structure my post, so it's at least more readable.

[Michael569]

if you want people to comment, PLEASE can you put some effort into structure and sequencing this in paragraphs and a few bulletpoints of TLDNR. Or ask GPT to do it for you. 

This is an unreadable train of thoughts. 

Edited June 10 by Michael569

[universe]

You are right, if you see no point in writing you probably shouldn't do it.

Yes, the idea of a life purpose is an illusion.

So far so good.

 

Please use some paragraphs, no one likes reading a wall of text.

[Lucasxp64]

You have cornered your mind into a spot, and you think you need to go through that. I get it.

Unless it's some deep spiritual truth (Nirvana, Infinite Consciousness): EVERYTHING IS A FABRICATION. It's not "FOUND".

Please read this post I wrote, that's the point I'd make: