I feel bipolar and stuck in life

[Shodburrito]

For the last 6 months, I have been working on being more disciplined and organized in my life. I used to be lazy/struggled with responsibilities when I was younger and this year I wanted to become more productive, etc.

So here's what I've been dealing with. For about two weeks I will be super disciplined in every area of my life. I will work out the day I am supposed to, eat super healthy, not procrastinate on any of the things I am working on like college, learning Spanish all basic responsibilities, etc. 

Then the stress/anxiety hits me. It starts with me taking hours to fall asleep, my mind races at night. The next few days I will start questioning the pointlessness of doing anything. Then all I can think about is how I want to do nothing and de-stress for a few days. Then I crash. I get super lazy for a few days where I can't motivate myself to do anything.

After a few days of mindless video game playing, eating like shit, and being a low-life, I get sort of depressed and then feel motivated again to pursue all my desires and I start the cycle again. 

This has been going on all year and I can't understand what is going on. I think I am just really bored with life. I am about to be 20 and want to move out but I can't work more than 30 hours a week because I am in college full time. I want to meet people who have ambitions like me, I am in a venture capital group and I am very ambitious. But, most of the people I meet are not interested in the goals I am. I feel like I can't connect to people because they're not on my level of aspirations. I am very sociable but I don't like a lot of people I meet around here.

I live in a suburban area outside of a small city (less than 100k). There are no opportunities around me and I do not really know anyone in big cities either.

I don't want to get a girlfriend until I move out, but I need money to do that, and I don't want to dig into my savings/investments. 

I've been working my ass off the last year and a half on my career/life goals. I have been making good progress but I still feel lonely af and like I am waiting and waiting for shit to change. I wish I could move to a big city, meet new people, get out of my comfort zone, and have support groups to push me, but I literally don't know how to do any of that. I don't feel financially ready to do any of that. I just feel stuck 

Does anyone have any advice? I have about 30k in investments and a few thousand in cash. I think I can double that by the end of the year but I am tired of waiting around. My environment does not resonate with me, but I don't know how much $$ I should save to move out and I have no idea how to find people who have goals like me.

[Realms of Wonder]

I am hearing a few different points here.
 

• 2 weeks of disciplined work, then a fall off after built up tension/inner pressure leading to overthinking lack of sleep and eventually stress coping behaviors, till eventually you get yourself back on track, repeated.
• You are busy, working up to 30 hours a week plus being in college.
• you feel more ambitious then those around you, with goals bigger or different then those even in your venture capitol group.
• You recognize that your environment is not structured for growth, (Small town, few opportunities, etc..)
• You feel stuck and ready for a change but dont know what to do, or how to do it, or how to find like-minded people after you move.

Correct me if I misunderstood your situation, I want to make sure I am responding with accurate knowledge.

I have some questions for ya!

• Were each of those habits built separately? or has it been all at once?
• What exactly are you looking for in a living environment?

Overall, you are almost 20, have you given yourself props for where you are in life? it sounds like, all things considered, you are in a very good position to continue building the foundation of a remarkable life. You are ahead of most people your age, and you're not satisfied with it, you see more in life than most, which is great! and can lead to a lack of appreciation for how far you have come.

Warmly

 

Paul

 

[universe]

Do you have the booklist?

The 6th book from the first category really explains your situation quite well. It's about the topic of being a creator but translates well to any projects one can do.

I think it would be helpful for you to find out what is really meaningful to you and what you want out of life.

 

23 hours ago, Shodburrito said:

I have about 30k in investments and a few thousand in cash.

Yep, this is enough to move out. But if you want to double it this year it's ok to live with your parents for another year as well while studying.

[LordFall]

What causes mean a lot to you? What do you want to accomplish? You're in a great position, I would not worry about short term fluctuations. You're not very impulsive if you've truly saved 30k at 20 years old so if you have bipolar you're managing it really well. More than likely you're just a bit aimless which is perfectly normal at your age. 

[WonderSeeker]

On 6/5/2024 at 4:18 PM, Shodburrito said:

Few thousand in cash.

Lol. Brother, you don't even need squat to move. I moved from New York to Arizona by car with only like 600 USD in the bank. Then I slept on someone's couch and became an Uber driver to make some money. They kicked me out 3 months later but it didn't matter because by then I had enough to rent. 

You have more money, plus the investments. But yes, you're a sophomore(?) in college and it would be potentially unwise to ditch the work you've put in so far. Maybe, idk.

You're pragmatic, but clearly you don't have a passion for what you're doing and the people you're surrounded by. 

Have you thought about transferring colleges and cities at the same time? 

Also dude, you're 19. You don't need to be unnecessarily stressing to this degree. Take one bite at a time. Biggest lesson I've learned in year 26.

[mrPixel]

On 6/5/2024 at 4:18 PM, Shodburrito said:

For about two weeks I will be super disciplined in every area of my life. I will work out the day I am supposed to, eat super healthy, not procrastinate on any of the things I am working on like college, learning Spanish all basic responsibilities, etc. 

Then the stress/anxiety hits me. It starts with me taking hours to fall asleep, my mind races at night. The next few days I will start questioning the pointlessness of doing anything. Then all I can think about is how I want to do nothing and de-stress for a few days. Then I crash. I get super lazy for a few days where I can't motivate myself to do anything.

It's because you have no foundation. You are realizing that chasing goals and accomplishments don't bring you lasting happiness. Nor will they ever. This is normal, especially if you are walking a spiritual path.

A solid foundation is built on friendship and self-care. Drop your goals. Find out who you are. What are your interests, what type of people are going to help you feel grounded and connected? If you can't answer that then you need more life experience. Here's my advice. Forget about people who have goals and aspirations. They are usually not kind, loving people who have your back. Befriend those that will love you and accept you for who you are. Make that the criteria for people who you let into your life.

Through community you will be introduced to new things and experiences. Until then give yourself a break and allow yourself to be lazy at times. Relax, take showers, meditate, get some exercise, etc.