Surrendering Tips and What Comes After

[Keryo Koffa]

Each month now, I look at the past one and find it insane how much I changed. Recently, I gave up on my greatest desire and neurosis, loneliness, to find someone who I can connect with on a deep emotional level and understanding. I was looking for it for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and felt very isolated even when I was 5. Throughout my life, this made me very needy but also uniquely appreciative of friendships, but I've suffered each moment I was by myself and it seemed like something that could never be fulfilled, as I'd always seek more of it and would feel doubly terrible when disconnected. But now I let go of that external desire during my last trip, it was painful, sad, angry, I projected a part outside of myself into the world to be united with, I yearned to turn the suffering into ecstasy at the reunion, yearned for a soul mate. To integrate that part back into myself and surrender that massive energy felt like giving up, like sunk cost. But then I felt free, empty, content. It had been an endless  desire I could continuously appreciate and suffer for eternity but would never  fulfil since the mere presence of such a person would make me joyful, but any even temporary disconnection miserable.

I realized the pattern of externalizing desires in form of projection and in the act of disconnection depriving oneself of joy. I realized the pattern of suppressing childhood trauma and looking for ways to cope with it. I realized the rigidness, stiffness, energy blocks that arose from creating a sense of separation. Inherently, I don't even see the action of projection and reflection as a negative, for a child it is the sense of play, throwing a boomerang, externalize a piece of oneself, observe it, modify it and reintegrate it into the whole. But the way one goes about this and the belief in the absoluteness and objectivity of such action not being an internal projection but an inherent separation and true reality is what creates massive suffering, that lets people project their desires onto reality and chase them outwardly all their life, becoming insecure, fearful, aggressive and addicted, discontent, miserable.

Now that I identify it as the frontier of meaningful action, to recollect and reintegrate all parts of myself that I project outwards internally by becoming aware of the illusion of separation and arbitrariness of desire, I seek to surrender. Desires are arbitrary, I could imagine wanting to be an astronaut going to mars and I it's something I could act upon but in reality I may not be capable of it. I may want to grow wings and fly, but I don't see that happening. There are simply goals and desires too large to fulfil, or what if I wanna murder everyone, impulses that just aren't realistic enough or even desirable enough to be actualized externally. And because there is at least one thing that I can't do and one can be happy despite that, may as well expand that paradigm to include all desires and find contentment.

This all of course is overcoming trauma and doing shadow work but I can already imagine finishing that process at some point and why not progress steadily to the next paradigm. What comes after surrender of all desires and the built up skill to dismiss them as they are? I would become nothing but unless that makes me dematerialize from this world, I'll still be existing here. If I change my paradigm from fearing unconscious separation and conditioning my happiness on external action, then what's next? Sure, I can become a monk, but that sounds kind of boring. Boringness might be a projection of unintegrated parts distracting me or maybe its a natural healthy state of a lack of trauma that leads one into a positive abundance paradigm of creating a life purpose. I do have a life purpose, but I want to free myself of the need of it and instead do it from a paradigm of boredom, passion and maximum present focus.

But then I might be missing lots of insights, paradigms and spiritual concepts that limit my current perspective, so then that's what the post is about:

Expand my mind