From Academic Probation, to Straight A's - A Personal Development Backstory

[ricachica]

I started university in 2015 as a Psychology major. I also lived on campus my first year, mainly to get away from a toxic family life back at home. Getting away from home physically, I thought it would mean that all my problems were solved and I would be a healthy and functioning human. Wrong! I had suffered from very low self-esteem, social anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation since the age of 10, and that was not going to solve itself by merely moving out. Though I was dedicated to my education and was doing well initially academically, I soon got into a 1.5 year long domestic violence relationship within a couple months of starting school, which tanked my grades (not being fond of math and statistics did not help, which I repeatedly failed). I was on academic probation with a GPA of 1.9. Being able to safely get out of that relationship was another story, and of course simply getting out of it did not mean my mental health would become stable, if anything it made things worse afterwards. 

Shortly after, however, in 2017, my ex-abuser's friend took my side and has become my closest friend to this day. This friend soon introduced me to Leo's videos, I think the first one was the video on how to meditate. From then on, I watched many of Leo's videos and also talked about spirituality very often with my friend. Though it was all talk and watching videos at first, with little actual practical initial implementations, I slowly started becoming more accountable for my mental health and made a goal to get my first 4.0 in the spring of 2019, which I achieved. I needed this goal in order to raise my GPA high enough to get into an MFT graduate program, not simply as a perfectionist goal. This was definitely supported by Leo's videos, but I also was in my own individual therapy, had done group therapy internships, quit smoking weed, and had a more grounded view of myself. That semester however, I had an extreme suicidal ideation pop up when I accidently forgot and missed the date of an exam, meaning I would possibly lose out on my goal of a 4.0. Luckily my professor was understanding and let me retake it, though my ideation shook me and I was starting to get sick of relying on thoughts of suicide whenever I got myself in a bad spot. It was like instead of problem-solving and coming up with creative ideas to get myself out of a sticky situation, which is apart of all of our lives, my mind went straight to how I should commit suicide, lol, it was annoying at this point. I decided that if I wanted to continue with my goal of a 4.0 for future semesters, it could not be a life or death goal. 

So I took a break from school, initially for just one semester in order to really focus on revamping my mental health and get rid of suicidal ideations once and for all. I did not have many specific methods at the time, it was just pure desire to finally put an end to the wanting to end it all. Then COVID happened in 2020, and I decided to wait it out for a number of reasons before going back to school. I got a job for 2 years working with autistic children in the meantime in order to still be on track in my career goals. I also created a healthy balance of good friendships, reading various books on philosophy/spirituality/psychology etc, going on road trips, had a couple purposeful and grounding solo psychedelic trips (in the past the majority of all my trips were in friend group settings and were more about goofing around, nothing serious) and keeping my thoughts positive.

Since 2019, I have since had no suicidal thoughts, and my habits are healthier than ever before. Though that does not mean I do not have a lot more to improve on. I still lack a consistent routine and am more sporadic in my self-care, though it is at least plentiful and I do things often pertaining to it and have coping skills. I returned to school in fall of 2024, and these past 2 semesters I have attained straight A's again with max class loads. This time, with a lot less anxiety towards it and less negative attachment to the end result. I have also decided to double major, taking on Human Services as well (I can write a whole post on how Human Services is immensely more beneficial than Psychology to the MFT field, but that's another story). 

The point is, I have done all of this drastic real world self-improvement, and when I graduate in spring of 2025, even with an additional year's worth of straight A's, my GPA will barely touch the minimum overall GPA required for graduate school. It's so funny how that works. My fate is in the hands of admission evaluators who will have to bother to even look into my course history in detail to see the improvement I made, and find it worth it. I still have high hopes, and even if I do not get in to a school for whatever reason, I am so immensely proud and loving of myself for it to ever derail me. I still have many years of work experience I can do to balance it out if need be, and I can always try again. I think of creative and active solutions now, vs diving down that dark hole.

I guess my main goals for now is learning how to create a healthy and consistent routine, find and network with more psychedelic-assisted therapists (my actual dream career), and learning to speak up for myself more effectively since I used to be much more timid and conflict-avoidant. This post was more of a backstory as to why I am creating my journal to build upon what I have already worked on with myself, to share with others who have had troubles moving forward in life as well, to thank Leo in his part for my self-development journey :),  and any tips on how to create a consistent daily routine if you are a spontaneous and sporadic individual who once lacked routine as well!

Edited May 30, 2024 by ricachica

[Willie]

That’s awesome! Congratulations!

[Basman]

Great job.

I enjoyed reading how you take responsibility for your mindset and creativity in relation to life situations.