Dealing with Guilt

[MsNobody]

So I left Brazil 9 years ago and I come from the countryside of Brazil, my whole family still lives in the same place, the house where I grew up is surrounded my slums, it's a very poor place, low consciousness stage blue. I haven't been there since I left but I still talk to my parents frequently, I've worked on myself tons, I've been following Leo for 8 years thankfully. In my therapy sessions I work a lot on my relationship with my family but the main thing is the feeling of guilt for being where Im at while my parents are there in Brazil, and mind me, its not life I reached success, I have a long way to go.

Consciously I know they have their own life and I respect the way they live their life, but it's something that comes to the surface a lot in my life here, the thoughts are "you are here in US doing XXXX while your parents are there", I see myself sabotaging my life a lot because of that. It's unconscious, I talk about it in therapy, have worked on it in psychedelic experiences as well, but talking to them and hearing them complain about their life breaks my heart. Any advice or insights on how to stop sabotaging myself are appreciated. Thank you for reading. 

[Schizophonia]

Ahah.

The more you talk about this story the more it exists,  it's a dead end, you see ? It's a bit like the "dont think to a monkey" story.

Btw, not only you have not wrote that your family was not happy for you and was hindering you in one way or another, but in fact you have wrote some strange things (ex : "I respect the way they live their life, but...") which tend to show that you are trying to intentionally put them in an enemy position.

You seems play to the game of "the girl who is sabotaging herself because of the guilt to be privilegied in comparison to her parents and her dumb low consciousness origin place blahblahblahblahblah" or a persona more or less like that.

There isn't really any relevant advice to give you, because the tacit goal here is to feed this character, your "legend". 

In fact, you are a Brazilian hottie expatriated in the United States and you do not seem to have any serious survival problems, family problems, etc. However you have a strong ego (it's not good or bad, it's a personality type), and you find yourself having a YouTube channel where you expose, somewhat hypomanically, your various loops of the mind and now it's your family guilt game.

In any case, you are a character who likes intrigue , but perhaps meditation could help you detach yourself from this kind of story, tell yourself "well, ultimately there's no point wasting energy in there, it doesn't change anything...".

Mea culpa if it could be more clear, I'm tired today.

[josemar]

Can you invite your parents to the US for a 1 or 2 week holiday? They'll see if they can adapt to the life or they'll feel better at home.

[MsNobody]

@Schizophonia A little messy your message buddy but thanks for the input, also if you are tired maybe don't post, we are all going through the journey of being a human and trying to improve ourselves. I'm being vulnerable here, comments like yours don't add positively to the situation.

 

 

 

[MsNobody]

@josemar my dad doesnt want to come and we are getting my moms visa, but she is complaining a lot. Im hoping to go to Brazil int he end of the year, I think that will help a lot. Thank you!!

[Ulax]

@MsNobody IFS therapy. Can also look into ideal parenting protocol https://www.reddit.com/r/idealparentfigures/comments/vl27y9/introduction_to_the_ideal_parent_figure_method/. Imo, always good to deal with the root of the issue. 

[Yimpa]

Where does the need to help or save your parents stem from? I also personally wrestled with this issue for most of my life and am healing from that.

[universe]

While I don't know your exact situation, I can imagine that this is a tough situation. On the one hand you want to develop yourself and do the best for yourself and on the other hand being so far away from your family for a long time can make you feel guilty for not being there for them.

First, congratulations for making this decision!

I think it's good that you stood up for yourself and went your own way.

Now, your parents probably want to see you happy and thrive. They wouldn't want you to feel guilty.

Instead, make them happy by crushing it in life.

So that if you really want to see them in person, you have the time, money and energy to do so!

This way you can also lead by example and who knows, maybe they will start making different decisions because they see how you are rocking your life.

This is a different energy than guilt, that you can share with them.

 

❤️ 

[MsNobody]

@Yimpa it's just what I watched growing up, both of my parents take care of their parents. My grandpa died a month ago and my dad was taking care of him, my mom is taking care of my grandma now too cause she is very old and can't walk. She also took care of my grandpa who died from cancer years ago. 

It's a pattern of everyone taking care of the other and no one taking care of themselves. I think it also comes from strong stage blue values from Brazil. I like to think Im integrating Orange but my blue roots run deep and like I said before it's all unconscious.

@Ulax Im gonna look into it!! Thank you

@universe Aww thank you for your kind words, consciously this is how I think, but the unconscious patterns take over where Im not paying attention. One day I was swimming in the ocean and I notice a thought arise "How ridiculous that you are swimming in this beautiful water while your parents are back in Brazil" it was the first time I noticed. I think it might be a daily thing to remember that the better I feel the more I can help them. Appreciate your comment Universe

[Yimpa]

1 minute ago, MsNobody said:

it's just what I watched growing up, both of my parents take care of their parents. My grandpa died a month ago and my dad was taking care of him, my mom is taking care of my grandma now too cause she is very old and can't walk. She also took care of my grandpa who died from cancer years ago. 

It's a pattern of everyone taking care of the other and no one taking care of themselves. I think it also comes from strong stage blue values from Brazil. I like to think Im integrating Orange but my blue roots run deep and like I said before it's all unconscious.

I’m Filipino (I was born in America; my parents migrated here). I can totally relate with that!

[MsNobody]

@Yimpa what a fucking cycle uh? How did you break it? Not that I expect it to be a quick thing, but whatever helped you in your journey I will be happy to hear. Because I truly believe that it's a way of running away from oneself. 

Edited May 27 by MsNobody

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, MsNobody said:

@Schizophonia A little messy your message buddy but thanks for the input, also if you are tired maybe don't post, we are all going through the journey of being a human and trying to improve ourselves. I'm being vulnerable here, comments like yours don't add positively to the situation.

 

I want to be kind but also effective and I don't want to do damagogy, I want to systematically get to the bottom of the problem, to "the cause of the causes of the causes" as Hypocrates said, and that always takes us to a place that is embarrassing for the ego (at its borders).

 

 

 

[Yimpa]

19 minutes ago, MsNobody said:

How did you break it?

The cycle is actually not completely broken yet, but the worst aspects have been overcome. 

Quote

Not that I expect it to be a quick thing, but whatever helped you in your journey I will be happy to hear.

I can share with you the fantasy version of what has helped me, but to be quite frank that wouldn’t be helpful to you in the long-term. 

I will say that facing suffering head-on is completely worth it in long-term. I think that’s what religious people mean when they say “Trust God”. However,  that does not mean that things will go the way you want them to.

[MsNobody]

@Schizophonia if you REALLY want to help start by seeing other people as humans, not as a machine to be fixed. 

Edited May 27 by MsNobody

[MsNobody]

@Yimpa you mean their suffering or ours?

[Yimpa]

Just now, MsNobody said:

you mean their suffering or ours?

Both

[lost_polymath]

As the child of immigrants to a first world country, I sympathise. 

Something to realise which also took me a long time to realise which @universe mentioned is that your parents just want to see you happy (or at least so I hope, it is up to you to determine that). What I found for myself was that because I played a signifcant role in my family growing up, it doesn't feel like I can live a life separately from them without feeling responsible for them especially when I'm in a better position in terms of health, education and career and they're not doing as well.

What I do to help me put a bit of a buffer between those thoughts is send them money every now and then whenever I'm able to and then to make it that little bit easier for them. Another thing I personally do is turning the guilt I feel as a fuel to motivate me to keep growing for not just my sake but their sake too, picturing a better future for them as @universe also mentioned.  I can't take care of my parents the way I want if I'm constantly looking backwards instead of focusing to the future where there are infinite opportunites for growth (both career and personal) to be discovered!

I know it is hard especially when they complain to you about how their lives are, but like you mentioned in your post:

Quote

Consciously I know they have their own life and I respect the way they live their life, but it's something that comes to the surface a lot in my life here

This is your new life, look forwards at all times, not backwards. Easier said than done because I still struggle with this from time to time but I'm so delusional/high off being optimistic about being able to one day bring good stability to my family that I just carry on.

It will get easier as time goes on. Its quite clear you're a responsible person, but sometimes its okay to let go of responsibilities you know? You should not have to feel responsible for your presumingly still able bodied parents. They've managed to survive this long before you were born, whilst they raised and now after you've left the home, even in the face of all their complaints.

Its always much harder when family is involved, especially when there has been a set tradition (e.g. you take care of your parents when they are old) but I believe just you moving to the US alone should be enough indictator that things never stay the same.

I hope my rambling helps somehow

 

 

[Lyubov]

Thanks for sharing your story. I will share with you what has helped me. 

I would start with owning this emotion you call guilt. I would invite you to see that you are creating it. You aren’t the victim of it. Where do you believe emotions come from? Do you believe you create your emotions? I’ve found that emotions come from beliefs. 

So if we are in agreement this emotion is something you are creating, it’s time to look at the beliefs behind it. Why? Why do you choose to create guilt? 
 

I think really examining your belief system is the way for you to resolve this. The most important thing is owning it first though. Why do you choose to self sabotage? 

[Schizophonia]

On 27/05/2024 at 9:58 PM, MsNobody said:

@Schizophonia if you REALLY want to help start by seeing other people as humans, not as a machine to be fixed. 

I can directly be "kind", it depends on the context

[MsNobody]

@Lyubov Yes, this thread helped me see how Im creating everything, and how my narrative is impacting my emtions. Thank you!!