Unconditional love ?..

[matoriii]

Hi guys , i am writing here because i dont think anybody can help me here from where i am from . This is my story ... Since my childhood i have been traumatized and felt unsafe at my own house and outside of it . Dad alchoholic and in school bullied . Because of this and my darkest period ever i found an escape in playing basketball litterarly 8 hrs a day thats all i had . Always wanting to proove everybody wrong and always chasing love of those that didnt give it to me . (people pleasing cause of the alchoholic father and having low self worth cuase of beeing outcast ) I know its my fault in that period cause how i felt ... Not to go into details , i always wanted that love for myself which everybody needs called (self worth or self esteem ) and my way of getting it was through beeing great at basketball . Besides my unbelivable handles for that age and skill which came from my obsession with the ball i wasnt playing well in games . Often my peers less skillful and worse than me in 1v1 were killing it . Even when i got into the game its like i was scared of what people would think , of beeing seen as a failure because this was everything i had . Often going home crying because i was bad in practice (i am a perfectionist as you can see) . Always wondered why i feel this way ??? After some time i realised when i got into psychology and spirituality why it was the case . I was attached to the outcome and was DESIRING so much to be succesful and RESISTING to fail which if you know doesnt go together . To be specific my sense of self or self worth was based on this and thats why i was scared . To fail , to try , I was scared of myself . Also realised that nobody is giving me this worth or punishing me when i fail outside of me it is all in my head , my superego was too abusive to me. So i changed some stuff over time . I found out why i wanted to be succesful and have a great game . It wasnt the thing but the feeling i will feel . It was a requierment for me to love myself (i wasnt aware of this at the time , most of the people arent ) . I was so attached to basketball that i couldnt imagine my life without it . But i decided and REALISED i will be okay even if i have succes or not . I found a way to get directly to confidence and made it inner instead of outter . Guess what i became a starter and had got everything i wanted also was able to become charismatic , to show more emotions as i became more loving and my shadow became smaller and smaller as i also became more positive . BUT here after i done everything i wanted again i feel something is missing . I am starting to freakout , realising its never going to be enough , its a hamster wheel . Found out about Julien on yt and resonated with his problematic . It is like your ego raises the bar for you to feel love like its not enough even though i am in a place where my previouse self would be over the moon in this situation . I want to become whole and stop wanting outside validation , needing others so i can feel worthy , so that i can feel good enough . I want to be able no matter what image of myself is to be able to love myself cause i know its the truth . Cause everything in this world just IS , we just give it an feeling (some people feel insecure about not having a gf , i dont care about that CAUSE MY SELF WORTH isnt based on that i always wantend to be succesful ). If somebody can help me on this topic and help me realise and define my self worth and self esteem and do things from place of security and not cause i want the outside events to compensate for my lack of love for my self i would really appreciate that .

[ivankiss]

Can you say that you truly, honestly love something, someone? Is love known or is it foreign?

Do you have access to it, right this moment?

[Hojo]

I think I have the exact problem I am working through so Im just going to go with what I think is happening with me.I believe it is due to having to be super senstivie around home environment this makes you look at the world trying to predict things. You may notice facial expressions noises sounds during the day that will trigger these things. The more you identify with something the more you will pay attention to these things, if you come from a negative environment the things you notice will be the negative because you are looking for negative things so you can survive. This includes facial expressions noises tones in voice. The truth is you dont know what people are thinking and doing so you shouldnt think or even consider it.

An example of something I noticed that if peoples tone of voice or facial expression was negative towards me I would think they were angry or didnt like me and would unconciously become defensiveish around them not letting me be myself totally. This led me to be defensive towards people for no reason at all beside me just making up that they are being something towards me based on the negatively focused survival mechanism I had constructed to survive as a child. I was doing it with everything I didnt realize that I was in survival mode and I didnt have to be anymore.

Another example I had today is One of the cooks at work didnt show up and no one called the second cook to come in. I was solo and the prep for the second cook wasnt ready later on and they had to so they came in and had to get a dinner ready by themselves in 2 hours. There was alot of dirty dishes and they were being angry slamming things and I felt myself project it onto myself as if this was my fault in anyway and I began to get a little defensive. I dont know if this person is really angry or just frustrated and it has nothing to do with me but I notice I am doing it.These are subconsious I have because of my mother smashing dishes for no reason or not crazy enough reason to start smashing things. So I instantly see what Im doing and put my defense down. I say no this is not me or my problem and I just make a couple jokes or something a 10 mins later and they were fine. And then another cook showed up our of nowhere cause they thought it was their day to work and it wasnt and everything was fine. All that stress you can see I am creating for no reason and you probably are too. I wouldnt know I was creating it unless I was being aware of what is happening in my mood and mind by focusing on my own body and mind and not someone elses.

If you live with someone that could pop off any second and have no way to defend yourself you will focus on everything about their body to predict if something is going to happen. And if they keep popping off randomly you will constantly have this hyper defensive lifestyle and you will use it in every interaction you have with people unconciously until you learn what is happening with the construction you built and then deconstruct it.

I dont know what anyone is thinking or feeling, Im just using facial movements body motions voice tones levels eye moments. I dont totally monitor my face and voice all day so sometimes I may come off as rude or uncaring for not watching my tone. I dont mean too but it happens and its just a misunderstanding if others see it as different. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone at anytime ever. So any negative interaction could be a misunderstanding and there is no reason to think negatively about it at all. Its better to think positively about mostly everything in social interactions.

Notice that you have an awareness outside your body and an awareness in your mind and body. What is happening is you are taking the awareness outside your mind and bringing it into your mind body awareness. You want to keep both separate at all times. Anytime the outside awareness is gaining your attention and consuming the inner awareness you need to question why you are identified with it and kick it out. You want your inner awareness to stay with itself.

An example is pretend you are with friends and you are playing music you dont know if everyone will like it but you really do.Might be too lame or something for the group. You play the music and you might pay attention to their awareness to see if they like it, this is a good one to practice to see what the mind is doing, keep all that stuff out. Play a song for someone you respect and tell them you found a good song and play your embarrassing music you really like and notice when your awareness shifts to try to see how they like it notice and pay attention to everything about them that is what you dont want to do. You want all that stuff out of your mind.

When talking and interacting stay positive no matter what happens dont predict life or what people are thinking and feeling based on small or larger expressions tone changes. Focus on your body mind by itself and just watch life. If you can find these defences just noticing them and seeing they are not right should dissolve them and God might put you through scenarios to dissolve them too if you stay positive it can help with life.

Basically like loosing yourself in other peoples emotions feelings body movements facial expressions.This will heal you.

Pretend you are in an experience machine and every time you do these little things you bring the experience machines vibe down for no reason beyond your imagination and then worse things happen. Find them and stay positive during these situations and see what happens to the experience machine.

 

Good luck

Edited May 24 by Hojo

[puporing]

That's one way to get back to God.. the feeling of "something is missing" and "hamster wheel".

[matoriii]

@ivankiss Its strange , i am honest i really changed myself and are considerd charismatic and really positive and i dont need nothing from others to feel good so yeah i think i can truly love someone and not for narcissistic sense of lack . But im so confused that i even dont know . I helped myself to this point but now since i came into contact with realisation of unconditional and that all the things just are and that i am all i am kinda confused . 

[ivankiss]

@matoriii Confusion lives in thinking only. Take a breather, do simple joyful things. Things you love. Take care of your wellbeing, everything else will fall right into place.