How do you cope with not being able to get what you want?

[MarkKol]

We have a word here in Croatia, for a person who doesn't really care about anything, doesn't try, and is locally known as a failure. Klošar, which translates to ''bum'' in English. There are so many people out there who don't even try and yet they're successful in many areas, like relationships. So sometimes I sit and ponder, how is it that my marihuana addicted friend back from high school, who dropped out, is dating so many more women than me? Sometimes I think it's the height difference, or despite being his best friend in high school he still has way more friends than me, and I'm here having a nervous breakdown every day because I haven't dated anyone in over 2 years now, and the loneliness is killing me. These days, I just find myself driving aimlessly all day and all night to help ease the pain.

I can't stand the fact that there are many people out there who don't suffer from loneliness, and who have great relationships and all. While I suffer from it greatly.

Has anyone else seen the romance content on social media these days? It's unbearable to watch and to know that such couples exist right next door.
For example: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C41zB3QMOQ8/?igsh=MXhoMXoxMHNzZXFjcw==

And loneliness makes you feel inadequate, like you're not enough, because normies do better than you, therefore you must be doing worse than most.

I've eliminated all addictions from my life, haven't played a game in years, and haven't watched YouTube for longer than 20 minutes per day in the last 3 months, so there's 0 cope. Just more room for another addiction to develop, perhaps pills or drugs because life is so lonely and stressful.

Edited May 16, 2024 by MarkKol

[Lyubov]

It's an important question. The first step is to take total responsiblity for your emotions, you are creating them. You aren't a victim to them. That is the foundation. From there you then need to ask yourself why you are lying to yourself believing you can't cope in the first place. To exist is to cope and survive and if you are here now reading this you are doing this right now, so automatic lie right there saying you can't cope. Lastly is then to slowly break to yourself the fact that life doesn't always go how we want. It doesn't for me. It doesn't for you. You ask yourself why you can't accept life is the way it is. And from there you build your connection to the divine, Tao, whatever you wish to call it and no live by lies such as believing you can't cope or life should be different and you can't accept it. Done. 

[Princess Arabia]

Thoughts. I'm tired of sounding like a parrot; but I bet you your friend is entertaining different thoughts than yours that are making him feel better about himself and therefore allowing for life to flow through him in response to his thoughts. 

You said you're spending endless days and nights aimlessly driving to ease the pain......of what......those thoughts. Comparison also. Comparing your character to others is a sure way to feel down. Thinking if you quit certain things and be a good boy life will reward you while all you do is sit and think more. 

Classic menu for disaster and every word of your post streams thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts. Cope you said. You want to cope with your destructive thoughts. They are haunting you and you need ways to cope. You're not asking what to really do or how to get out of your rut; you're asking for ways to cope with your thoughts.

No one will be able to help you if you don't see what I'm saying and if you dismiss what I'm saying as nonsense. 

 

If you need more romance in your life be happy for romantic people, if you need more cash, be joyful for the rich, if you need better health, admire the healthy. Get the drift. Don't whine and sigh and say its unbearable to watch people who aren't lonely because it's the thoughts you're having about what you're seeing that makes it unbearable to watch. When you said what you said in the section about how its unbearable to watch, I instantly knew why you were going through what you are going through. That kind of energy doesn't want to be a burden to you so it's staying away because you called it a burden. Life is responding to life.

Edited May 16, 2024 by Princess Arabia

[MarkKol]

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

Thoughts. I'm tired of sounding like a parrot; but I bet you your friend is entertaining different thoughts than yours that are making him feel better about himself and therefore allowing for life to flow through him in response to his thoughts. 

Turns out my above-mentioned friend is going to prison because he hit two women while driving under the influence of illegal drugs the other day, I just had a conversation with him about loneliness and stuff. Turns out my problems might not be that big of a deal and I just need to relax.

[Snader]

The most effective way to cure the loneliness and hopelessness in general is to engage yourself with a purpose or a project. It's like magic. According to my own life and people I've observed, it tends to lead to other great things as well, including relationships.

1) It's not the loneliness that makes you feel inadequate, its the aimlessness. 

2) Those instagram updates are only facades. It's not as you imagine it to be in your mind. They also have problems no matter how deeply in love and happy they seem to be.

3) Trust me, having all those relationships in itself doesn't make your friends' lives great. 

It's not about what you eliminate in your life, but more about what you build. I know it's hard to build a purpose and find direction to stick to, but it's definitely the best way. No relationships will work or last anyway until you get your own inner game together. It's all worth it.

[quantumspiral]

@Snader  Very insightful.

[Schizophonia]

I MP you, because I want ask things which would involve to reveal previous private conversations.

9 hours ago, MarkKol said:

I've eliminated all addictions from my life, haven't played a game in years, and haven't watched YouTube for longer than 20 minutes per day in the last 3 months, so there's 0 cope. Just more room for another addiction to develop, perhaps pills or drugs because life is so lonely and stressful.

It's not a so good thing, playing isn't so much a quick sugar, it's what we are programmed to do. 

That's good, this kind of post is the start of a new cycle.

 

[Rishabh R]

@MarkKol yeah I have fallen into that trap . You will find someone as you have just 2 years gap of dating whereas I never dated in my life. I was only rejected , heartbroken , girls whom I liked got committed to boys other than me . However I think the solution is to realise that there will be new opportunities in the future.

Edited May 16, 2024 by Rishabh R

[universe]

Open your self to the possibility that your beliefs about what women find attractive are completely wrong.

Then you either find someone who can teach it to you or you just figure it out yourself.

Both will work, if you are able to forget everything about dating you thought you knew.

 

PS: Don't label or judge others negatively, you are poisoning yourself.

[k-ahmadzadeh]

@MarkKol

I think that significant amount of young men (19-35) experience a trouble in dating. Have a look at statistical data, and history of sexual selection. The guys who get laid easily are in minority and have very rare 'value' in the eyes of women so that women reduces all barriers for those men. Rest of them experience struggle more or less. Most of men I know, experience difficulties to attract a female attention.

Given the fact that relationships are transactional, I would kindly suggest you not to take your loneliness personal. Because if you possess that rare 'value', you would find yourself in the abundance of female attention. I would argue that attractive qualities are not under our control and given us by chance, like having good genetics. So, this is not personal.

We need to often remember that romantic relationships are very similar to business transactions. Nothing is personal. 'Not persons, but values are important' in the eyes of people.

But loneliness is very hard in itself, I agree. It gradually deprives our capacity of feeling joy and motivation. I wish a specific drug would exist, that you would inject to reduce the feelings of loneliness.  

 

[strika]

6 hours ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

@MarkKol 

I wish a specific drug would exist, that you would inject to reduce the feelings of loneliness.  

 

God. God and you are the majority. And God is better than any drug or any thing anyway.

[ivankiss]

Pusti klošare 

You cope with not getting what you want by realizing you don't need it in order to be who you are.

You are not getting what you want, because you're not really being you.

And that's because you don't actually know you.