Consciousness, sense of self.

[Vilius]

Hello,

I recently had an intriguing experience that I haven't shared with anyone yet, fearing they might think I'm crazy or simply not understand. I've been following Leo for a while, finding resonance in some of his teachings. Anyway, here's my story in brief, and if anyone has had similar experiences, please share—I'm eager to make more sense of it.

None of us are perfect, and each of us grapples with our own set of inadequacies. For me, it's been an ongoing battle with an eating disorder—specifically, anorexia/bulimia since I was 17. Over time, I've managed to keep this disorder at bay to an extent where it doesn't dominate my life, and thankfully, it rarely interferes with my happiness.

However, this year, in February, while I was holidaying in Scotland, one evening, my self-loathing and destructive tendencies came to the fore. It was the kind of feeling that makes you want to tear yourself apart from the inside out. Rather than succumb to this overwhelming sensation, I remained acutely aware of what was happening and decided to take a walk.

As I walked, the pain was palpable—a massive wave of agony threatened to engulf me, accompanied by negative self-talk and a sense of malevolent energy. It felt like some sort of metaphorical demon trying to possess me. I walked briskly, trying to outrun it.

Yet, amidst this onslaught of energized pain, I managed to maintain a detached awareness. I observed it, acknowledging its potency and the suffering it had caused me in the past—a sensation I hadn't felt in six years.

In the midst of this struggle, one question kept reverberating in my mind: "What is consciousness, and how can I be aware of it?" This inquiry had a profound impact on me. The pain became so intense that, at one point, I felt a disconnect between "myself" and what consciousness truly is.

I began to perceive myself as consciousness—a gap, an emptiness, distinct from the pain that sought to overwhelm me. It's challenging to articulate, but in that moment, I felt intricately intertwined with a vast consciousness that permeates everything—the universe and all its inhabitants, material and immaterial.

Since then, my understanding of consciousness has undergone a profound shift. It dawned on me that my brain doesn't generate consciousness; rather, my brain exists within consciousness. For the next seven days, I was flooded with a sense of being consciousness experiencing human life, and the grip of my ego loosened considerably. I became more present, less entangled in my own ego-driven distractions.

It's been a couple of months now, and that experience has fundamentally changed me. If anyone has had similar experiences, I implore you to help me grasp its significance better. Since that moment, my sense of self has been markedly different, and I'm navigating life with a newfound understanding.

 

Note: I don't take any drugs, I live very healthy lifestyle and I'm healthy individual this was not ordinary experience for me. 

[abrakamowse]

Looks great so far. What is the problem?

[Osaid]

Sounds like an enlightenment similar to Eckhart Tolle. Immense psychological pain, and then a sudden "detachment" or "understanding" that you aren't really located inside of the thought/imagination you are perceiving.

Do you still experience anxiety or social anxiety? How are your emotions in general?

[Davino]

23 hours ago, Vilius said:

If anyone has had similar experiences, I implore you to help me grasp its significance better.

It seems you grasped it properly, both in the way you explained it and the honesty I felt.

Is there anything you want to particularly point out?

[Vilius]

@Osaid @Osaid  The way my personality is wired haven't changed. I'm just became really aware that this personality I inhabit is not really me, more like it's character I possess and I'm in control of. For example, I have very high energy personality and I have ADHD. That part of me haven't changed or the other way's sort of say my brain works. 

But what changed is that, negative side of me doesn't have as much control over me and I clearly can see that it's not me.

Furthermore, distinction between myself and other drastically changed. It's such a big change that I struggle to integrate that, I can see that I have my ego backlashing on me sometimes.

For example, I clearly feel that I'm not better than anyone else we all share this void/consciousness. Difference between me and rock is non-existent we are in the same consciousness. 

I have enormously more compassion for everyone, and I understand more how and why people suffer so much caused by their egos. 

I feel I need to do a big retreat on my own, because day to day life is way to distracting to delve deeper what I experience that day. 

 

I hope it makes sense what I write, this forum is only place seems like people can actually can understand. I have a co-worker who mediates 2h every single day, and done some vipassana meditation retreats,

but he doesn't really understand what I'm trying to tell him, He's trying to understand everything I say through his mind. 

My girlfriend also doesn't really get it when I'm trying to explain, it makes me question maybe I'm just crazy. After that shift in my consciousness I can't unsee things anymore. 

[abrakamowse]

44 minutes ago, Vilius said:

Difference between me and rock is non-existent we are in the same consciousness. 

Exactly... everything is consciousness... nice.

[abrakamowse]

47 minutes ago, Vilius said:

My girlfriend also doesn't really get it when I'm trying to explain, it makes me question maybe I'm just crazy.

Same thing happens to me with my wife, I am not sharing any of this with anyone anymore... those who haven't experienced it think we are nuts. Lol...

Edited May 1 by abrakamowse

[Osaid]

7 hours ago, Vilius said:

I feel I need to do a big retreat on my own, because day to day life is way to distracting to delve deeper what I experience that day. 

That sounds great. I think you have gained significant distance from your previous thoughts about reality.

My advice to you is to sit with all your thoughts and imagination, and watch them appear and disappear. Do it in a dim/dark place if possible. Keep watching them until you completely realize that none of your thoughts and imagination exist or point to anything.

Ramana had a great koan: "If mind exists, then describe it."

[Space]

8 hours ago, Vilius said:

I hope it makes sense what I write, this forum is only place seems like people can actually can understand. I have a co-worker who mediates 2h every single day, and done some vipassana meditation retreats,

but he doesn't really understand what I'm trying to tell him, He's trying to understand everything I say through his mind. 

My girlfriend also doesn't really get it when I'm trying to explain, it makes me question maybe I'm just crazy. After that shift in my consciousness I can't unsee things anymore. 

Yea no one will understand. I've never met anyone else, aside from maybe 2 enlightened people I've interacted with irl, that understands what this awakening, enlightenment, realisation stuff is about. 

Talked to so many people on retreats who have no idea why they're meditating, let alone what an actual shift in consciousness is.

[Razard86]

Well the only issue is one of the biggest miscommunications in the spiritual domain is when someone says the ego isn't you. The ego is a part of you, like your arm is a part of your body but it isn't the whole body. So it's more accurate to say its a part. It's a part because you use it, but you can also create space and observe it because it's just an appearance. 

Your true nature is a blank, a complete an utter blank. It's a non appearance. I believe you had an awakening into no self. This is usually the first awakening someone goes through on the path. So congratulations hopefully this helps you overcome or at least manage your negative self talk by recognizing it is just an appearance within you that is not actually you, just a part of your expression that arises and disappears. 

You can liken your thoughts to a headache, you don't think a headache is you, it just appears and disappears, well your thoughts are just like that. But the pain is a part of you, because it is apart of your direct experience. So this is a more accurate understanding of what is going on. Notice the nuance in this representation than, versus complete denial. One of the biggest traps is to demonize and deny the ego, because the ego will still continue its activity if you completely deny it. What you resist persists, but what you observe is revealed for what it is. The point is to observe it, but don't give any importance to whatever it's doing and that is how you become free from its control.

The only thing left on the Spiritual path is an awakening to love, an awakening to what intelligence is, and developing emotional control/resilience/intelligence, which involves dissolving biases. Outside of that, it's all good. Also you don't have to do any of those things I just mentioned, they just bring more peace in your life.

Edited May 1 by Razard86