Self-abuse

[Alexandar Edwards]

Hi all 

At the end of 2016 I dropped out of University because I realised that my entire life and all of my motivation was derived from highly egotistic influence, I decided that I didn't want to pursue education at the expense of the government, borrowing thousands upon thousands in student loans and sacrificing my happiness and my time for 'success' in a field that if I truly desired (which I do not), I know could forge without such a cost. I realised that I was trapping myself into debt for the rest of my life and following a career path for no reason other than materialistic gain, self-satisfaction and so that I could party and take drugs like a typical student.

This being the second time I have dropped out of a higher education course, I decided that I needed to do some serious self-investigation and understand what the fuck is wrong with me and why I couldn't just pursue a career for positive advancement. With the help of Leo's videos, other gurus and a lot of self-honesty, I realised that all I really cared about was being happy and at peace and all the hurdles I had been jumping were largely influenced by peer pressure, the 'conspiracy' of self-obsessed society and feeling like I needed to have some fancy career to feel good about my existence. 

I have been meditating for an hour every day since and researching psychology religiously, trying to unravel my neurosis and discover my purpose in life, to no avail. I feel very trapped by circumstance more and more every day. I have a job which I enjoy more than any I've had before, but I'm in a lot of debt from signing contracts for accommodation that I can't pay without student loans, so any money I make is going to be taken away from me immediately. I don't even want money, and I never really have, I just want to live in peace and close to nature somewhere, every day I try to get as much work done as I can but without life purpose I have serious trouble finding motivation to preserve my place in a society I do not want to be part of. I feel like I am trapped in a game I cannot win and thoughts of suicide are becoming an overwhelming daily battle that I am slowly losing. 

I have periods of what I might call 'enlightened' states where my mind is completely tranquil and I can deflect negative thoughts like they are nothing, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to sustain this and remain happy with anything that I am. I keep looking into sustainable communities where I may be able to go and live to be away from this nightmare, but I know that true understanding of the self is that happiness is available regardless of circumstance. Now my self-inquiry seems to have taken a turn to self-abuse, my psychological analysis is choking me and bullying me because I cannot control my emotions or remain at peace whilst doing the things I need to do. My mind constantly screams that every second is being wasted, that life is not meant to be lived in this twisted system of competitive exploitation and contained conformity. I struggle to understand anything, when the most real and in-depth truths about life that I have discovered make me hate my every action and everything that I am surrounded by. I feel like a failure and a joke most of the time, I spend all of my time alone trying to build discipline and willpower. I just want the mind to be silent and the negative feelings towards work to leave me so that I can pay off my debt and go travelling to somewhere that I may be able to live free of financial obligation, but at this rate I genuinely feel like lying down and dying rather than spending every waking moment in this torture. 

Please, please help

[Evilwave Heddy]

I'm sorry I can't be much of help to you and I'm sure someone on these forums has the answers you are looking for, however when in these kind of scenarios myself I tend to remind myself that tomorrow never comes and what happened in the past never existed.   I only try focus on the present moment even when my mind tries to pull these thoughts back into my mind. Best of luck man.

 

[Alexandar Edwards]

@Evilwave Heddy  I feel like your profile picture! aha 

[Arman]

I don't have the answer for you either but for what it is worth, there are many going through the same experience and you are not alone. Wishing you solace. 

[Flare]

@Alexandar Edwards Puh, I can really feel an honest vibe here and not just searching for attention. I does take some balls to write this down and post this here, at least for me. You have my respect for that.

11 hours ago, Alexandar Edwards said:

I just want the mind to be silent and the negative feelings towards work to leave me

Here lies the problem, beside your circumstances. That's just a plain wrong believe. You ultimately don't want apathy. Or as Mumford uses to sing: "If I only had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won." It seems though that you are searching for apathy and implemented it in as many cases as you could in your life. 

Let me tell you this: Apathy is not enlightenment - but most of the time is taken for enlightenment. Apathy is either about not caring at all or is suppressing everything. Both cases is nothing to strive for. You shouldn't seek to silent the mind. Let the mind speak, let it silence itself. Otherwise you are trapped. But recognize the following - as you go on with your meditation practice you will at some point enter an point of so called "drunk of emptiness" state. Do not settle their, even though it would look like what you wish for now. 

Embrace the feelings. In the end feeling and stimulation is what at least our human body does live for. They are neither good or bad. But what you could work on is changing your attitude towards the situation. You always have 2 options, change the situation or change yourself. You used the first one and are trying to use the second one (in a not good way, for my humble understanding). If you wanna use the second one just getting rid of the feelings won't work. You can not replace negative thoughts with no thoughts. You thoughts will eventually go away through detachment and so on but never through changing the attitude. So choose to try to replace them with positive ones. Even though that might sound a little simplistic, most likely you need to fake it until you make it at this point. 

11 hours ago, Alexandar Edwards said:

but at this rate I genuinely feel like lying down and dying rather than spending every waking moment in this torture. 

This is definitely not in line with the rest of your post in my point of view. Do you know about the hero Albert? Albert Camus did say something really eye opening about this. You are believing in live, you still think here is actually more and ultimately there is a big meaning in life. Maybe it's the other way around? Maybe life doesn't have any meaning and so does the torture that you are feeling. But rethink this: If life ultimately doesn't your suffering should go away, you'll be able to accept it and you can rise a both is. That's what Camus would recommend. If you don't have the time to read his books, here is a really really good video about it - it's short and it should definetly better your suffering. 

I my point of view you made some at least discussable decisions, but you can not change that. You did go your own way, that is a good thing. I really find it hard to answer more than what I did, because it's difficult to understand you merely trough the internet and since we are not talking about simple theories but a difficult situation. Just let me consider this at the end: Your suffering always makes you better. It does expose the weak things in your mind, it does make you stronger. It most likely did lead you to to meditate and better your life in some areas. Even if it was just so that you would share your story with us here. So stop looking at suffering like your enemy. It is ultimately your friend, all your negative feelings are. They are always there for you, no matter what. Stop being at war with them, listen to what they have to tell you. They most likely will lead you to better yourself big time.   It's not a coincidence that humans most of time follow psychopaths, psychological weak but yet genius and crazy people. Their bad sides, their suffering made them who they were in order to be a leader or to follow their life purpose. So be thankful for your suffering, even though that's easier said than done.

all the best mate!

Edited April 17, 2017 by Flare

[Alexandar Edwards]

@Flare That was really truly helpful, thank you so much, I do need to take a different perspective on my situation but it rarely feels like my thoughts are helping me with that.

43 minutes ago, Flare said:

You are believing in live, you still think here is actually more and ultimately there is a big meaning in life. Maybe it's the other way around? Maybe life doesn't have any meaning and so does the torture that you are feeling. But rethink this: If life ultimately doesn't your suffering should go away, you'll be able to accept it and you can rise a both is.

I really find the quote in the video helpful too "Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," I will be writing that on my whiteboard to quell any dark thoughts! 

[Flare]

@Alexandar Edwards I really appreciate that!

All the best for your journey!