I have disassociated with God and believe to have caused myself mental torture via fear of death and trauma from a child. I beleive that I may have develeoped schizophrenic states because of this extreme fear and have entered states of madness and am currently in a state of madness. I saw God one day and it made me see what kind of state my mind was in from externally. It seems I have have these problems of self love too as after that experience I thought that God loved me. I know God loves me but often I feel myself crying because I feel the love I was filled with and cannot beleive that non existence isnt a void of nothing forever and that I can take part in non existence. Am I mad? I work and am communicable at work get along with everyone and hold conversations but what I really want is to sit all day with schizophrenic thoughts contemplating God and thanking God for non existence not being non existence. Should I just go outside more and say yes to everything? Is thinking or asking this question to other people madness? Or is questioning is sanity? I feel I maybe am just releasing previous trauma from the fear of death but I am not sure.