Anchoring the Light, a Journal of Healing and Self Love

[Wisebaxter]

This is my second journal. This time around I'm going to be more positive and use it to encourage myself. I'll start my thanking myself for making this decision. I'm excited. I've been having a wonderful time learning to compose music and I've met some beautiful people. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. I've learned so much already and it's incredible how far I've come. I've made so much awesome music and I'm so proud of myself for trying hard and following my passion. Whenever I make music now I'm always amazed at how good it is. Just to think, all those years growing up I love soundtracks so much and never thought that one day I'd be making my own. life unfolds in mysterious and profound ways. I've always felt like I'm being guided. 

With perseverance, comes success - Bob Matthews, Research methods: a practical guide for the social sciences

I am manifesting:

1. Financial independence as a composer. For me, financial independence means -

• Not having to rely on anyone but myself to meet my basic needs of food and shelter. 
• Not having a boss, other than the commissioner of my work. 
• Not having a traditional working day, being able to choose my own hours 
• Being in the process of paying back all by debts 

2. A healthy, stress-free lifestyle where I make good decisions that benefit my body and mind

3. Freedom. To me, freedom means:

• Being able to have the things I want, with no money worries 
• Travelling wherever I choose, whenever I choose
• Being able to make decisions that benefit me without having to consider money 

4. Safety. To me, safety means:

• Not having to worry about people in my living space
• Being able to really relax at home in peace
• Cooking whatever I want, whenever I want. 
• A home that feels like home 

5. Health. Energy. Vitality. Balance. 

This is a good list. I am pleased with it. These are the things that will give me safety, security and peace of mind. I will not ask for more. I will be grateful for what I have and consider anything on this list as a precious gift. 

 

Edited April 29 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Today the sun was shining for the first time in a while. I felt elated and emotional as I walked to the seafront listening to uplifting Synthwave. I decided to let my body rest and not take any Modafinil or LSD. I feel good. Reading about how to conduct social research is bringing me lots of joy. What an interesting subject. And I have a whole two weeks to work on this! My paper is going to be so fascinating. I have a feeling I might get a Merit.

The sun glistens on the ocean, offering a promise of even greater abundance and joy. What a blessing. I feel so grateful to be here on this day, experiencing all this beauty. Thank you universe for allowing me to be here. Life is such a gift. I am filled with vitality and love. This moment is perfection. It's all I need. 

Edited April 29 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

I am so blessed to have this insatiable drive for success and personal growth. I could have easily given up by now, but I've persevered, day in, day out, always learning, always evolving. I must be truly favoured. How lucky I am, to even have this opportunity. Just to think, soon I'll have an MA. Master...of....the Arts. The word Master will be in my title. All for you Bruce Leeroy. I've been guided from such a young age. I trust. I have faith. No matter what happens, this is the path I should be on. Such willpower. Such force. Let it be known, whoever may read this. I did it. I am a success. Alex Lambden came into this world and said 'I will aim for the stars.' He dared to dream, he sacrificed, he said 'I will not settle for second best. He even risked his life for it, to say, this is not enough, I am not enough. I can be more, I can be great.' Driven by love and a lust for life, to experience it all, to have it all or to have nothing,

[Wisebaxter]

I completed my masters with the help of Lucie. What a beautiful person she is. She was so patient and giving. It feels incredible to have it done. The hard part of my course is over and now it's just the fun stuff. My accommodation is secure. I will get this masters. Wow. I'd always doubted it in some way. It seemed like to much a of a prize, too much to ask, given the challenges I've had and the choices I've made, but I must be truly blessed. I feel like a guardian angel watches over me, or a loving parent, like the universe, or God. Just something guiding me. Somehow it all just works out. I have some work to do though. I have a foundation for something now, a way to build afresh, something beautiful. I have very little, but the inner wealth is overflowing. I feel a bit safer. I am happier. I can rest, a little. I was right about this course. I do truly love to make music and see it bringing a story to life. Like a language of emotion, so mysterious. My art is magic, wielding the forces of nature to inspire, to create order from chaos. The day, when I came home from American Express and said 'no, not me, not this lifetime.' I am a free man. Here is a man who will shape his own destiny, created his own independence day. 
So now it begins. I am Kate Winslet arriving art her dream home in The Holiday, walking into that exciting new world full of possibilities. She is overcome by it, it brings her to life, the beauty, the freshness. And she's allowed to feel that way. This is a dream home. It is something sublime, not superficial. It is the product of love. 
The main areas I have to now focus on, are:

Clothes, a little big shabby, but it won't take long to find something fetching. I know they'll be something. I'm going to dress so smart. I'm going to feel like a success. It might not last, they say you always want more. I'm ready for that. I'm going to be around people like Professor Baysted and Susan Legg. Beautiful, inspiring people. My people. The lucky ones, who made it through ok. Avoided childhood trauma. Has loving parents. A good home. Took drugs, sure, but nobodies perfect. As far as they go, I don't do too bad. I'm about 80% there. A few bad habits to iron out, but that's part of life's story. How dull it would be with nothing to strive for. 

Edited May 18 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Had a meeting with Steve Couch in the Master suite

He gave me lots of industry advice. Here are some of the main things he said:
 

• There are no 'jobs' in the industry. 
• Steven Spielberg infiltrated Hollywood by catching a tour bus to some studios and then hiding. He found a guy in the 'underbelly' of the place who was a producer. Spielberg was only 18 but had movies already made to show him. The guy gave him a 3 day pass. He used the pass for 3 days to get past security but on the fourth they just let him in and he didn't bother with a pass. This was communicated to Steve in person by Spielberg and is hush hush. I was asked by Steve not to go yapping
•  Nile Rodgers from Chic bribed an elevator boy so he could record his album, then got noticed by the sound engineer.  He ways the two elements you need are skill and luck
• All the successful people he's met are 'thoughtful.' They have a big picture of what's going on and aren't just focused on themselves. This makes them easy to work with 
• Be where things are happening. You need luck but you have to be where it can occur. He mentioned Soho. He did a lot of volunteering in his career. 
• He got his first payment whilst not expecting it, for a piece of advert music. He was told by some other famous woman in her dressing room 'make sure you get paid sweetie.' He wasn't there to get paid. he was there from morning to night as he was on the jazz. Don't go in there thinking about dollar, that comes when you prove your mettle. 
• Know where the boundary of your remit ends and someone else's begin. That way you don't rub people the wrong way by doing their work and you don't do extra. 
• Pro-Tools has to be used, no questions. 
• You will hanging around making coffee and then at one point they might let you touch some buttons. Nobody will throw you in to the deep end. They are smart. They will see how much you can handle
• Steve had a bad week where he made a lot of mistakes. He went to his boss and took responsibility for it all. He kept his job but they were about to fire him. 
• When someone says 'I don't like it,' they just mean 'it doesn't work for this.' You have to be able to handle a dynamic where you can take feedback or rejection for something and bounce straight back. Like Nile Rodgers did.
• Don't date actresses, they are a lot to handle and very over the top. 
• Nobody uses Final Cut. They also use Avid's video editing software. 

Edited May 31 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

By God's grace I received a positive outcome regarding my research paper. I was prepared to fail the course and funnily enough it wasn't too bad. I was determined to succeed anyway and considered all the ways I could still make it. A qualification isn't everything. It was a challenging but enlightening turn of events. It seems I have a resilient mind set that always finds the silver lining and frames events in a way that serves me. In my mind it was going to be the thing that actually drove me towards success. As it happens, I'm still here and I passed the paper, through my ability to tell the truth and accept responsibility. I will contemplate how I ended up in that situation and see if there's anything I can learn from to make things easier for myself moving forward. I don't want to cut corners. 

Here's how I imagine the conversation went: 

Stephen: Alex has been the only student to consistently meet every deadline throughout the course and his work has always been of a hide standard

Marzenna: Really?

Stephen: Yeah he's a really dedicated composer and works hard. He's always the one to help out the others too. He's got a lot of integrity and I don't think he was trying to trick anyone.

Marzenna: I see. I did sense a lot of humility. I liked the way he just owned it too. 

Stephen: It's quite rare you get a student with such a drive. He'd be an asset to the industry so we wouldn't want to lose him. 

Marzenna. Agreed. I've always found him to be very mature and personable. Let's give him a pass then. There has to be some kind of punishment but his honesty should be rewarded too.

Stephen: Definitely. I actually really like him and could easily work with him. I've actually considered putting him forward for some jobs already. His recent submissions were phenomenal. Susan was blown away by them. We're thinking of introducing him to Harry. He's a brilliant song writer. 

 

Edited June 12 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

I have messaged Lucie a couple of time but no reply. This must mean she’s looking after herself and making sure she has the distance she needs to move on and heal. I really admire her for that so I want to be respect that from now on and refrain. It’s been hard, the idea that it’s really over. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I feel I’m losing control. Perhaps I resent being ignored, or worry she’s found someone new. Those are all valid feelings and I’ll aim to love myself through it and do my own healing. If she has found someone to make her happy, then good, she deserves that. She deserves the very best, being such a beautiful humans. I know he’ll be able to provide the things that I struggled to. The things she needs to feel safe and appreciated, to feel seen. He’ll make her feel like all parts of her life are in cohesion and she doesn’t have to fulfil different roles. He’ll keep the place Tidy and make sure he eases her burden, as she’s such a busy lady, such a go getter. He’ll love her children like they were his own. He’ll chat to Joe about football and play FIFA with him. Take him to the park for a kick around. They’ll all go on holidays together and have so much fun. She’ll get to know what a real, loving relationship looks like. No drama, no big arguments. I will spend my time now wishing this for her. I will pray she is guided towards what she truly needs and desires. I will pray she finds someone who she connects with physically, as that’s so important to her. I want her to feel loves embrace through the modality of touch, as I believe she did with me. I hope she can find that again. I hope I can. Such a rare gift. 
I thank God for our time together, for the things I learned, for the happy times we had. For the good life I was give a preview of. What a blessed thing it is, to be seen every day, to be part of a team. To laugh together and be understood. I am lucky to have been there for such a long time. I feel sad writing this and I wonder if I should be. I’d like to feel that it’s healing. I don’t want to be hateful, resentful. I don’t want to focus on my needs. I have done so very much of that in this life. I love you Lucie. Good luck and thank you for everything 

[Wisebaxter]

The last couple of weeks have been transformational. When I moved to Stockbridge Halls the reality of my predicament hit me. I was about to run out of money and I couldn't afford rent. My whole system went into survival mode and I took steps to avert disaster, all the while envisaging the worst. During this time I had the realisation that weed had led me here. It isn't some miracle drug that's fuelled my creativity and kept me focused, but it's robbed me of everything. I've often thought 'was I always like this, so I gravitated towards it? How much is it to blame? Is it like an island within the chaos that keeps me going?' I believe this kind of reasoning to be part of the justification that perpetuates the behaviour, a sneaky ego trick that maintains homeostasis. Even if it isn't wholly to blame, because really it's just a green leaf, when I think about how much money I've spent on it...or about how I recently bought some and now I can't eat, it's clear to me that it's nothing but a hinderance. Would I have achieved two firsts in my assignments without it? This is a dangerous question and again I can feel the draw towards it as the question lingers....I could just smoke it until the end of the course...just to get the grades...only another couple of months...seems rationale, sensible even. Madness can appear as Logic to an irrational mind. Not this time though. I've made a promise to myself. I'm not smoking again until I have absolute security. By that I mean an established career, my own place, a car, basically I need to be 100% certain that I can afford the habit and it's not going to hinder me in any way. Why am I giving myself this olive branch, rather than just quitting for good? Partly because I can bare to not enjoy GTA 6 whilst stoned, also because I actually love the stuff and don't think it's an issue if other areas of your life are under control and it's not used as a crutch. Maybe. It might just feel better than absolutes at this stage.

I watched a Shia Lebouf interview and it moved me:
 

 

I hope I can remember this and check in again with it if I need to. I've been here so many times and I hope I'm not reading this in the future thinking 'I failed again.' Let me rephrase that. I won't be. I've had to access food banks, clothes hand outs...I've really been reflecting the truth of my situation for a change, rather than hiding behind benefits, my mother, credit cards, or a partner. I'm a drug addict. Drug addicts run out of money and need food hand outs. That shit's real. It's also exactly what I needed to happen, to be brought low and have to show up and say 'I'm fucked.' I've felt closer to God than ever before during this time. Like I have nowhere else to turn but God's mercy, forgiveness, grace. Hitting up the cathedral for daily prayers has been like a salve for my soul. Soul Salve. I even God my damn knees a couple of times. Someone walked into the chapel behind me and I felt embarrassed. I wanted to stand up and shuffle out but I stayed and set my intention on feeling love for the person. I feel a certain amount of shame at the idea of becoming a christian or embracing that side of me, which has always been there. It just wasn't the done thing in the circles I moved in. God botherers. Bible bashers. Idiots. Fantasists. They're so fake. Well wishers. They're all so judgmental deep down, that's why they hide behind faith. I've thought these things too. Said them. 

I can see it now. Faith is all I have and all I need. It's like a shield against the waves. It's the voice that says 'this too.' It doesn't shield so much as embrace. Everything is God's Grace, the joy and the pain. Why? Because it all brings us closer to it. Joy uplifts us, pain humbles us. We either fight it or welcome it, take it upon us and let ourselves be moulded in the fire. 

Ok so I may end up going to an extreme here. My poetic sensibilities are having a field day. Suffice to say I might become a Christian. I wonder who I speak to. A priest, or God himself? Also, what type of Christian? Or should I be a catholic? How does one decide. I'm a sucker for a rosary so maybe catholic. 

What's going to be trip me up?

• Boredom
• Lack of stimulation 
• Desire for Power
• Associations with music. When I listen to certain tracks I want to smoke, like lbelin from the Kingdom of Heaven Soundtrack. I listened to that when I made 'On Fire for Love.' There it is again, the desire. I could get some weed tomorrow...it felt so good. Listening to that track and hearing my own track coming together, thinking 'this fucking rocks,' and getting goosebumps. Can that happen when I'm sober? Can I let it go if not...Should I? I feel I should. It's intoxicating. This will be the biggest hurdle for me by far. I can feel it. My obsession with success and the idea that weed is a magic ingredient that lets me make incredible music. 
• Not staying busy
• the strangeness of sobriety. It feels alien to me. There's a part of me that just wants it to stop. Being high is all I know. 
• Lack of willpower
• Reactivity 
• External events that are hard to deal with 
• Wanting it to enhance Things. 
• Feeling the emptiness of an experience without it, or a reduction in stimulation. 
• Tiredness
• Not enjoying composition

What's going to keep me going?

• The image of the man I will become. Stoic, masculine, unfazed. In control, clean, healthy, selfless, alert, successful
• The fact that it might land me up broke again and racked with fear 
• Faith in God
• NA
• The idea that I'm doomed if I don't
• The idea that I'm never going to be confident and outgoing enough to succeed
• The fact that so many pikeys smoke it
• The idea of a Shia Style turnaround. What a story 
• The idea of complete purity and how good that will feel
• Not wanting to be a 'druggie' any more.
• Sorting out my appearance, getting nice clothes, a well groomed beard, becoming a sexy sober badass. 
• Finding a support Network
• Starting a new hobby to distract me, like wakeboarding or something stimulating and healthy 

Edited July 7 by Wisebaxter

[Applegarden8]

Hey man, wishing the strength! I am on vacation and I have a lot I would like to do musically. The only problem really what I had was computer games. I have spent a lot of time in there. Even now sometimes I can spent 12 hours without eating to script a warcraft III custom map, but somehow I have to teak breaks or cheese doing music and I only somehow do it while being frustrated. And all of the work I have done in the past 3 years is to get in place to do music. I can't forget that. Music is what I want to do, otherwise I am just always coping after a working day. And about judgemental people. I have a few neighbohrs who judge me for not having what they have or not doing anything. I don't want to have children for example. Somehow their brain just freezes and they can't self reflect, but end up projecting to others. Well, at least I have ability to self-reflect and you have too! It maybe not seem like it but it's all you need to live a wonderful life. You have ability for self-alignment. Otherwise you will be like those judgemental people where it's their routine and entertainment to care and expose whatever gossip to you like a hyena. They have the brain rot not you. You have the ability to enjoy life without anything acctually. Meanwhile they have all these things they supposedly wanted (somebody else told that they should have it) and yet they are sitting and thinking about me who doesn't have it. Strange, isn't it, what does freedom mean then. The most popular insult they will give is that you are idiot/stupid. And my response is why is it bad to be an idiot or stupid? It's not illegal and it's not even. Ad, because you are self-honest. They are just high on ideology which makes them guilty in the entirety of their life. Sorry for my pep talk. Good luck! 

[Wisebaxter]

Today I planned my entire day like a straight up G. I went for a long hike, did a muscle workout, listened to some inspiring podcasts and worked on my portfolio. I didn't stick to it exactly but having that barebones structure gave me a framework to move through that stopped me from feeling lost in decision paralysis. Theo Von says he does it so he's in control of his day and not the other way around. I love that, it's so true. 

Working on a track felt odd at first with no weed. Less enjoyable. I kept wanting to reach for a bong but it wasn't there. I got a little worried that my skill level would drop but after a little while I started making good choices and things were sounding fine. This is going to take a while to feel normal, but this work right here, this is the key to it all. If I can be creative and enjoy this without weed then that's a huge steps towards resisting the urge. I had a moment when I thought 'screw this, I'm hitting my dealer up tomorrow,' but it's past now. If I can just make it through those periods, they always pass. Last night I went to bed with cravings and woke up feeling fine. 

There's something about being completely clean that boosts my self worth. I don't feel like I'm a slave to anything. I feel like other doors open for me, like better meditation sessions, or the ability to think outside of my habitual patterns. The conversations I've had with others have been a lot more fulfilling and I've been much more articulate. But....I can't get complacent. Anything could set me off again. If I keep God in my heart and put all my faith in it then I will be guided, I know I will. I feel great right now. That's the result of having worked out and done all the things that make me feel better and grow me. 

[Wisebaxter]

And just when they thought he was out for the count, boom! He goes and gets a job, in extra time, and scores a pay check. Any doubt about finishing my course has gone. I'm basically a master of the arts. Somehow I did it. I managed to survive a year with no job, working hard and churning out good work, developing my skills to a level I never thought I'd get to. I'm a composer now, a musician, a frikkin maestro. How does this man do it? How does he maintain this level of badassery? Not only that, but I now have a cool job where I've made friends with beautiful people and received so much love. 

 

[Wisebaxter]

Sometimes I'll see a woman that gives me hope that I'll be able to move on from Lucie and fall in love again. I get reminded of the levels of beauty out there and it makes me feel better. It's such a lovely feeling, being single and knowing I can act if I want to.  I'm not on the apps anymore. Tom really made me think about that.  I won't sell myself again. I feel like I have more pride this way. It's nice not chasing women all of the time and just being friendly with them. I feel more mature and well rounded. I don't think I've ever just let things happen naturally before and not operated through that lens. It's still there, but I see it for what it is. I can see objective reality more, free from the lens of my ego. Friendship is such a beautiful thing. To have someone offer you that, to feel good enough about you to take that risk, means the world. It says more than anything. For someone to confide in you, offer you a part of who they are as a person, to share their feelings, to be vulnerable, trusting, outside of anything intimate, means something. 

[Wisebaxter]

I've surprised myself with how deeply I miss my ex partner. Perhaps I was really in love. What a beautiful thing to have experienced. So many amazing memories. The pain is so profound and raw now. The universe truly is gangster. We are conditioned to love but staying in a partnership is such a challenge. I hope I get another chance one day, to do it right. My yearning for her is still so deep that the thought just doesn't appeal to me. It's true I can't imagine meeting someone I connect with so deeply, but it's important to remember the ways in which we didn't connect.
I'm so proud of her for finally cutting ties and moving on. It must have been hard. She's so strong, stronger than me. All I have for that woman is love and adoration. I hope she's met someone else who really makes her happy. I wish I could have been that for her. Doesn't matter now. It's in the past. I have to admit for a while I really thought she was the one. It's hard to break free from that thinking. I sometimes wonder how and why it all went wrong. It seems like a blur now. But this is reality and there's no going back, ever. Soon will come the day when I think about her and all of the pain is gone. Then I'll really be able to send her love, without my ego getting involved. Blessed ego. It was so satisfied, in so many ways, but also so restless. Well now I'm free, although it doesn't feel like I thought it would, because I'm still playing host to the heartache. That's ok. I'll be the best host. I love you Lucie. Always will. 

Edited August 9 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

I did it. I finished my MA. Against all odds a rose grew from concrete. The harsh rains and challenging climate made it so. Every hater that trampled me made me stronger. Really though, I am super duper proud of myself. Not only did I finish it but I excelled. I thought I would struggle to compete but from my perspective I was ahead of the pack in lots of ways. Not surprising really, when you look out how long I've obsessed over this. Three firsts, three? I mean come on...I'm the goat at song writing. If I was going to focus in somewhere that's where it should be. That's what Stephen might recommend, if he were the type to do so. 

No matter what happens that can never be taken away from me now. If I was to die tomorrow I could say I did my best and challenged myself to the very end. How many people could complete an MA in music composition? That's no easy feat. Even Ethan, a talented musician, was out of his depth at times. I'm also super impressed at how innovative and original my portfolio was. I demonstrated that I can make music, edit, write and voice act. Is there anything this man can't do? I turned up to every lecture bar two, I wasn't once late with a deadline. I devoted myself 100% and worked around the clock, even when I was tired. I applied myself with vigour. The thing that makes it even more impressive is the lack of real world encouragement I've had. I mean, I'm not pointing any fingers here as I've hardly been a model friend and family member, but the fact remains, I've had to be completely self motivated. Really I just can't thank myself enough. Despite every possible criticism that could be levelled at me in terms of my other challenges and history, nobody can say I'm not a driven individual who it comes to art and my vision. you could call me a visionary. If you want. just saying. I dreamed a dream, I brought it to life. How many people can say they did that, or even came close? It takes a visionary, a warrior, a dragon, someone who can see past what they're presented with and imagine something bigger. To have faith, when everyone around you tells you you're crazy, is a miracle of the human spirit, of the capacity to create from a place of individuality and authenticity. If every human was able to assertive themselves and have a unit voice in line with their soul. That'd be cool. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Wisebaxter

That's impressive! Congratulations brother!

[Wisebaxter]

@Zigzag Idiot Aw, thanks so much Zigzag, that means a lot buddy. 

[Wisebaxter]

Tonight I meet with my love to try and negotiate a way forward for us. It's been 6 months since I've held her close, felt her skin on mine, taken in her intoxicating aromas. The idea of a soul mate is irrational, yet she lights me up on every level and seems perfectly designed to both excite me and challenge me. Considering our past my anxiety is very low. I just feel pure elation at the idea of being with her again. I pray that we can work through our issues, honour our beautiful connection and enrich each other's lives. Being without her has been hard. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to meet and the possibility of reconciliation. I truly believe we were meant to be, as superstitious as that is. She is my angel. If we can't work it out I pray for acceptance and healing, I pray for resilience. 

I will make the following promises to myself:

• To always look for solutions instead of looking to blame 
• To take time to sit with any painful feelings that arise and understand them, instead of choosing to react. 
• To see her as another part of me, as well as a unique individual 
• To practice putting myself in her shoes and showing empathy. 
• To never walk out on her again 
• To forgive myself and start again if I break any of these rules 
• To work as a team 
• To never judge her lifestyle choices or seek to change her in any way 
• To make her life easier wherever I can 
• To operate with love as my guiding principle instead of fear. 
• To be practical and realistic in terms of our limitations and humanity. 
• To keep the lessons of the Buddha close to my heart and avoid causing suffering 
• To make efforts to appreciate her children as human beings and show them love and patience. 
• To understand my triggers and to actively work on them 

The universe has blessed us with another chance. God is love and my intention is to be God-like. 

Here are some questions I could ask:

What are my values within this relationship?

What actions will demonstrate these values? 

How will they effect my 'relating?' 

What would I like it to look like? 

How will we 'relate' within this relationship?

How do I want her to feel? 

How will my actions influence her emotional state? 

What are her values? 

What experiences would we like to have together? 

What has gone wrong in the past, why did it go wrong, and how can I avoid this happening again?

What possible pitfalls can I identify at this stage, based on what I know about her, and me. How can they be avoided or dealt with if they occur?

What is her love language? 

Where is she on the Spiral?

What aspects of my persona could cause her discomfort and vice versa

Based on what I know about her, what might she find attractive and unattractive in a partner?

Edited September 12 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

When I look at the above post I feel a little embarrassed at my sheer affectation.

Quote

Tonight I meet with my love to try and negotiate a way forward for us. It's been 6 months since I've held her close, felt her skin on mine, taken in her intoxicating aromas. The idea of a soul mate is irrational, yet she lights me up on every level 

I'm sure I was using flowery language for effect but the fact remains, it seems quit high-flung. Lights me up on every level? Ah, well, this is a journal of light after all, so I'll just put it down to romantic ardor and hyperbole. 

My love has now gone. I tried to make it work, but my best efforts were thwarted by the force of opposing traits far too ingrained in both of us. I won't elaborate here, for it would bare me no advantage, but I will say...I don't know what to say. 

When I was with her I'd read old posts written when I was single, and feel a yearning, a sense of despair and panic. I was caught again. What had I done? Now I'm back again, and I can write whatever I like. I'm free. Thank God. 

This time around I don't miss her much at all. I couldn't care less who's she's sleeping with. I see the situation clearly. I'm shocked that I was so hung up on her. Expecting me to get out of bed at 8am on my day off, just because that fits in with her time table. I'm sure she sabotaged the relationship herself. Good on her. 

Enough said. Let's keep it sunny. She's better off without me. I am free of her. I will not let the past dictate my present or my future. I won't think about her. She's gone. 

Edited November 21 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

Kaizen is a principle of gradual improvements over time leading to massive change. The idea is that small improvements are preferable to larger, more unmanageable changes that shock homeostasis and cause you to relapse. Over the past few days I've quit weed, Caffeine and pornography.  I've even been to a narcotics anonymous meeting, which was incredible. Of course, doing this all at once is huge, and flies against this Kaizen principle. however, I believe that the stress of recent events will propel me forward and keep me righteous. My low self worth has always been an issue, punctuated by brief periods of self-love, but always hovering around the 'I'm a failure, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish' paradigms. The recent verbal assault by Lucie had sent me crashing down lower than ever. She called me many things. Narcissist, manipulator, liar, weird. Of course she was angry but I have to take stock. For whatever reason I have certain traits that are anti social. I believe many of them are either caused by or exasperated by the drugs. 

The only thing to be done, was to change. So here I am. Further up in this journal there are posts written during a previous attempt at sobriety. I'm glad to be back there again. I feel bored, slightly depressed and I still feel pretty shitty as a person, but today my new friend from NA, Pat, told me he was proud of me for attending my first meeting. I feel very hopeful that this is it for me. I cannot go back. 

I feel overwhelmed, out of sorts, afraid and shameful, but I am sober. I don't know what led me to a place where I shared intimate details about my ex at a place where people knew her. I'm not sure I thought it through at all. It was just me acting like me. Nothing new, just the same old perverted sense of humor, just the same old desire to make people laugh and be the clown. I've been like this since I was a teenager. When I think back, it's been causing me problems my whole adult life. The jobs I've been fired from, the people I've offended, the reputation I've achieved as being perverted, or weird. Being called 'weird Alex' at work behind my back is so awful for me that it can barely be processed. It's impact is being reduced by everything else that's happened, but it's a disaster. 

I have had amazing periods of growth pending these awful life events, so I'm looking forward to developing a new mindset, a new kind of maturity, a new way of living and hopefully in time, real financial freedom. The draw back to homeostasis will come, once the dust settles, but my determination will be waiting there at dawn, pistol in holster, ready to throw down. Right now the shock of recent events are keeping me true, but a storm of desire is coming, there can be no doubt. My resolution will be tested over and over again. I will keep going to meetings. I will keep riding out the cravings. I will keep praying for forgiveness and mercy. 

Lucie has an image of me right now that I believe to be distorted, to some degree. I am not the devil she thinks I am. But I have been thoughtless, immature, selfish, insensitive, unwise and disrespectful. Now my mission is to grow and become a better person, through service, coming outside of myself, daily practices, abstinence, faith and self-love. Here's to a new day. I'm sorry Lucie. I let you down. I let myself down. I wish I could have the time to really tell you what's going on, to try and help you understand why I am how I am, but I've wounded you too deeply, and now I can never show you. But I will show myself. I've been doing that for the past five days, and I pray for the strength to continue. Today,  I am proud of me. I am enough. 

Edited December 13 by Wisebaxter

[Wisebaxter]

A minute ago I had this lovely feeling that I can actually do this music thing. I have nothing holding me back from it now. No drugs, no work, no relationship, no other commitments. All I have it time to work and hustle. I will create an infrastructure for success which will look like the following:

• Daily Meditation, prayer and Visualization habit
• Continued attendance at NA meetings and working the 12 step program 
• A regular sleep pattern where I wake up early and head to the library to work. The music will now become a full time job. 
• I will take a packed lunch and a flask full of soup or decaf coffee. 
• I will use the pomodorro method to work. 
• The evenings are for self reflection, contemplation and spiritual practices. 
• Work out every other day 
• If my finances permit, then I'll head back to either the gym, boxing or BJJ. 
• No more eating out. I will eat a home cooked meal every day
• No more buying coffee's out. I will rock a flask 
• A monthly trip to London to Network 
• I will order online from Tesco to save time and avoid seeing people