How to censor myself less? How to change core personality traits?

[Clarence]

For some background, I am autistic and I've been facing a lot of rejection since childhood because of my differences. I am now extremely sensitive to rejection - I will, for exemple, sense the slightest change in the facial expression of the person I talk to and adapt the way I act and talk to avoid being of annoyance to them.

Thus I've learned how to mask (to some extent) my autism and how to adapt to the person I talk to to be liked and not rejected.

I also hold myself to high standards and I don't want to say things that are wrong, stupid, useless, or expressed in ways that are not smart and wise. When I make a mistake of such kind, I feel intense remorse and shame, which reinforces the feeling that I have to overthink and go through all the potential "wrongs" of my thinking before expressing myself.

As a consequence to all of that, I censor myself a lot. In real life, but also on the forum. I'd like to be more free, spontaneous, lighthearted, but it seems like I just can't. I'd like to be a more active member of the forum because we share interests I am passionate about, and because I want to be more social, but it feels like I never have something to say, something that will add real value to the conversation. It also feels wrong to me to express myself on topics that I don't fully master, and I don't fully master the topics.

When I think I do have an opinion on something and that it is close to the truth, I wonder what the point to even try sharing what I think is; people will not care or reflect as much as I do, or I might be missing something important in my own reflexion and thus feel stupid later.

I've been quite stuck in these thought loops for years. I'm stuck between wanting to learn to be more carefree and social at times, and in constantly questioning the usefulness and validity of my words - and of my own existence as a human being among others.

One fault I have as an autistic person is that I am extremely rigid. It is harder for me than it is for the average person to change the way I think and do things. This significantly hinders my ability to grow and to heal. And it plays a big role in my inability to stop censoring myself on the forum. I'm not even sure if there is a solution for me as it would require to change core traits of character. And I'm not sure whether that is possible or not. But a lot of the time… I'd like to be able to.

[Ninja_pig]

This video could help you with the people pleasing an inability to express yourself in the face of others. Also, maybe try finding some friends that you feel very comfortable around? I understand this could be quite difficult if you are autistic, but I'd bet it's not impossible. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is focus on accepting yourself and loving yourself more. Things that helped me with this have been: developing friendships, self help in general, meditation, journaling, working on myself, and psychedelics. 

Journaling especially can help with thought loops. You might also venture to try therapy if that option is available to you.

Perhaps you could try this exercise: When you think of something which you think others will not accept, write it down that opinion in its fullest form. Then, later, you can read that thought out loud by yourself. Then, you can read it to others. This might help you have more confidence in what you are saying and get you more used to expressing yourself. It is a high virtue to be vulnerable around others, and risk making yourself look stupid. To be scared to say something and say it anyway is perhaps the best way to develop more confidence in conversation.

Let me know what you think of these suggestions!

[Sugarcoat]

Force yourself over and over . Saying things you feel spontaneously in the moment if you feel that block in u. It’s gonna feel cringe many times afterwards looking back at it and  you’ll have regrets but that’s ok . And maybe sometimes you’re genuinely gonna be a bit awkward but that’s ok too in this process can’t get better socially with trying so hard not to be awkward, that can counterintuitively make u more awkward even than just being more loose 

Edited April 29 by Sugarcoat

[trenton]

@Clarence I am autistic and I faced exactly the same challenges for years.

When reflecting on my childhood, I realize that I was more naturally spontaneous, extroverted, and social. The problem is that a series of traumatic events from many parts of my life piled up and drove me to becoming more introverted and socially isolated. I have also become depressed compared to my jovial childhood self.

When I went to school, I often made people uncomfortable simply through following my natural urges. This includes my restless legs which drive me to pacing back and forth while laughing out loud instead of in my head like most people can do. I often felt ashamed of myself and felt that I was morally obligated to avoid making people uncomfortable. No matter how hard I tried to be good, I constantly failed.

I started self reflecting deeply about life. I was under the impression that there could always be Another point of view from which I am a bad person. My thoughts and actions could always be framed in an infinite number of ways and be interpreted in so many possible ways, that I could never guarantee that everyone would be happy with my actions.

It helped me when I distinguished between relative goodness and absolute goodness. Holding yourself to a high standard in the hopes of re-establishing your sense of self worth is an example of relative goodness, but you will never fit every possible moral compass, especially since "high standard" is subjective, making it impossible to please everyone and their preferences and judgement. Absolute goodness transcends and includes all forms of relative goodness. You can start by letting go of your moralisms to yourself. I still struggle with this sometimes, but not as badly as I used to. Keep in mind that OCD is a common co occurring condition in autism that can make you hyper vigilant of every immoral thought for fear that it will translate to immoral action.

I fall into a lot of the same thinking patterns you do. When dealing with other people, I'm constantly analyzing potential wrongs of giving up on communicating my point of view, seeing it as useless. I can't seem to bring myself back to who I was a child. I wish you the best of luck.

[Bobby_2021]

There is no easy way. Disappoint more people. Be okay doing that. 

Counterintuitively you will impress people being this way. 

Being around nice people is like walking on egg shells. So even the slightest aberration from the perfect behaviour will piss someone off.

Instead change the norms of the group to piss people off in return for you getting pissed off from time to time. By pissing people off you will learn the right balance.

[Bobby_2021]

I get into random fights and heated arguments with strangers and enjoy the adrenaline rush of it. By that way, I get to research more, scrutinize my perspectives, their perspectives and generally learn a lot more than choosing to censor myself.

First you have to begin by pursuing the Truth. Once you are confident you can defend the Truth, go do it. Afterall, it's the Truth. 

With all that said, do not trigger people in real life intentionally on controversial topics like politics, sexuality and religion. That will backfire big time. But you probably are not going to do that. In real life it's good to nod and move on. People don't even care about abstract ideals lile Truth. 

You could pursue the Truth more aggressively on forums like this one.

You should be able to stand for your values and defend it when called for. But do it in a socially calibrated way.

[Princess Arabia]

If there was a word for the opposite, that would be me. If there is a word for the opposite or even an opposite condition with 3 letters please don't say what it is since the ridiculous mind will latch on to that and probably create an identity out of it where I might start to think I need therapy and withdraw. Funny how we all have different ways on how we see ourselves and the world and how we relate to that. 

Some criticize and love to point out the number of posts one has, while others complain they don't make enough. If we don't see by now how us humans are our own demise, idk what will. There's not one condition that's not a problem for humans. So bad we have to either be not making as much posts or try to make more, not make them too long or we get criticized for that, not sounding too silly, we're afraid of that, not this not that. Everywhere I look there's a problem to be solved. 

Don't pay any mind to what others may think of you. I remember you, you make beautiful posts. Beautiful trip reports, even if I'm not really into trippin' they can be fun to read. You would say Leo was an inspiration and you opened up about your experiences and tripped once then another quick one that was very successful. Haven't heard from you since. Am I right? Is that you? Don't be intimidated, everybody else worries about the same thing you're probably worried about and are monitoring their own actions while you're concerned about what they think. 

 

 

[Schizophonia]

A good diet has largely suppressed certain autistic traits that I had when I was younger, as well as other symptoms (nasal congestion, mucus, headaches, brain fog, poor spatial intelligence...). This includes stopping cow's/sheep's milk and dairy products in general, bread (because of exorphins), and legumes.

A lifestyle that dilutes attention (like listening to a lot of music to daydream/ruminate, listening/watching bullshit on YouTube...) aggravates autism.
On the contrary, working a lot and doing concrete/productive things reduces it.

Meditation decreases autism.

Oddly enough, psychedelics made me more sociable and socially “neurotypical.”

There must be plenty of books with practical advice for reversing autism, but it takes being a little forward-thinking.

[Schizophonia]

@Clarence Why did you put a French region in the “location” category of your profile?

Probably an another autist thing  🤷 

Edited April 29 by Schizophonia

[StarStruck]

If you are rigid in mind you are rigid in body. You have to do massive amounts of mediations to relax your body and that will relax your mind.

Being autistic will always be a handicap but it is important to not use that as a victim mindset. What you perceive as your negatives can be turned in your positives.

And your core basic assumption should be to accept and cultivate yourself. Instead of trying to get rid of certain parts of yourself. I think a lot of rigidity is just conditioning.

[Clarence]

Thank you all for your answers. I feel relieved after reading your positive feedbacks. I went to bed anxious and woke up with my chest even more tight… but now I can breathe again (until I post this comment hahaha).

It's really hard to change my self-talk and to talk myself into a way out of it. I read Leo commenting a few times about BPD. I don't have that condition, but I have AvPD which seems to be close to me in terms of intensity. And I'd say I have the intesity of emotions people with BPD have. I'm far more sensitive than average, and I have extreme emotional reaction whenever something unpleasant happens (if someone criticizes me at work or if someone ignores me, or whatever else).

 

@Ninja_pig Thanks for your message. I actually have great friends which I am comfortable around, but it doesn't ease my overall discomfort. I think that you are right on the "focus on accepting yourself and loving yourself more". I think that's what it is, the main problem I have, I absolutely hate myself and I remind myself all the time that I'm an idiot (though realistically, I think I am more intelligent than many people). But I don't know how to change those deep feelings. It's like trying to love your absolute worse enemy. It's really really hard.

Meditation and self-help worsened my feelings towards myself. I had to stop and distance myself from them both at some point because they were doing more harm than good. I regard journaling in a similar way, but maybe it would be something to try again. I'm still open to do more psychedelics for that, but so far, it hasn't been helpful, unfortunately. The last trip I had was a bad trip on this exact issue.

I also like your two last sentences!

 

@Sugarcoat The problem is that I cannot just tell myself "but that's ok". I do try, but the reality is that it's not ok, regrets or cringe moments, will send me into downward spirals of intense negative feelings I can't control. I try to use reason to calm myself down and to let go of my thoughts to ease my feelings, but it isn't efficient. I will suffer deeply for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and just then my emotional reaction will start to pass. So forcing myself into sharing, knowing it will likely cause that, doesn't feel like a right move for me. At least, that's how I feel deep down, though it might sound like excuses and weaknesses. Somehow, I'm really harsh on myself already and "forcing myself", adding hardship on top of that, is intensifying my mental distress.

 

@trenton Thanks for sharing. In the end, what did help you the most? Was it the reflections themselves that did end up transforming you, or was there something on top of them? I find what you say to be insightful, but I wonder if that is enough to transform deeply ingrained fears and patterns of thoughts.

I don't think moralism is what drives me, but the overal idea can translate to what I do.

 

@Bobby99  So… you feel good in heated arguments? That's so far from how I feel haha. You don't disappoint yourself or feel bad about yourself when you write something too fast and then realize it was not smart?

 

@Princess Arabia You're right, we're often dissatisfied with what we are or what we do. I'm mostly dissatisfied with how I feel.

Well, people don't even have to think something about me… I'll think badly about me for them x) So maybe I should not pay attention to what I think, but my mind just won't stop. I try to let go, but my will to let go is not as strong as the thinking and feeling patterns I've been reinforcing for years. I try, but my thinking and emotions are obsessive and strong. They nearly feel tangible, as if they were set in stone.

Yes, you're right, that was me Leo inspires me, maybe a bit too much and I'm skiping steps. I want to reach hyper-mind more than anything while I can't even write two words on a forum without feeling threatened ^^ I'll go back to more serious tripping when my living conditions will have improved. I don't live on my own yet and I realized that tripping in between stressful moments wasn't good for me. Thanks though for your feedbacks!

 

@Schizophonia It's good to know that you got improvement from changing your diet! It's definitely something I want to try once I'll move on my own. Did you follow a particilar method? I'm quite overwhelmed with the quantity of informations and possible diets.

That's a good point too. I still have to figure out what kind of concrete stuff to do, but I can see how it could relieve symptoms!

Which psychedelics helped you the most? And did you trip with a particular intention or state of mind?

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Why did you put a French region in the “location” category of your profile?

Probably an another autist thing  🤷 

Belgium is not a French region… it's the country I am from   Right between France, Germany and the Netherlands :).

Edited April 29 by Clarence

[Sugarcoat]

41 minutes ago, Clarence said:

The problem is that I cannot just tell myself "but that's ok". I do try, but the reality is that it's not ok, regrets or cringe moments, will send me into downward spirals of intense negative feelings I can't control. I try to use reason to calm myself down and to let go of my thoughts to ease my feelings, but it isn't efficient. I will suffer deeply for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and just then my emotional reaction will start to pass. So forcing myself into sharing, knowing it will likely cause that, doesn't feel like a right move for me. At least, that's how I feel deep down, though it might sound like excuses and weaknesses. Somehow, I'm really harsh on myself already and "forcing myself", adding hardship on top of that, is intensifying my mental distress.

Yea i can agree sometimes if we push too hard it will backlash. Also try to catch yourself if you’re being fake that can sometimes make one feel even more cringe. Also maybe , I haven’t done this before really but if you say something that feels off maybe you could express it to someone like “I feel like what I just said didn’t come off right “ or something, maybe it could ease it to get some feedback . I had social anxiety in my past so just grabbing ideas from there 

Edited April 29 by Sugarcoat

[Bobby_2021]

47 minutes ago, Clarence said:

So… you feel good in heated arguments? That's so far from how I feel haha. You don't disappoint yourself or feel bad about yourself when you write something too fast and then realize it was not smart?

Yeah I do. But I can reiterate and improve over time. No one gets everything right the first time.

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Clarence said:

 

@Schizophonia It's good to know that you got improvement from changing your diet! It's definitely something I want to try once I'll move on my own. Did you follow a particilar method? I'm quite overwhelmed with the quantity of informations and possible diets.

Not really.

That said, what I saw the most was to avoid exogenous sources of exorphins (so gluten and casein), endotoxins (so anything that excessively feeds gram-negative becteria, like certain types of fiber, sulfur compounds, etc.) and allergenic foods in general.
I've also heard about products like O3 or inulin improving autism, but I don't know what it's worth.
It's true that there is a lot of information on the subject lol, on all subjects in fact.
But you have to make an effort.

 

1 hour ago, Clarence said:

Which psychedelics helped you the most? And did you trip with a particular intention or state of mind?

Any psychedelic can help change certain psychological patterns related to social relationships, and make them more "neurotypical" in the long term.
Then, for some reason, stimulants like LSD or cannabis make me very autistic and weird, but a purely serotonergic and sedative product like psylocybin will instead make me more "neurotypical".
As a general rule, anything that reduces stress/is sedative makes you more neurotypical and vice versa.

1 hour ago, Clarence said:

Belgium is not a French region… it's the country I am from   Right between France, Germany and the Netherlands :).

Hmm, honestly I don't know what you're talking about.

Belgium is at the top right, look.

 

 

 

 

[Schizophonia]

Let’s imagine after Napoleon’s defeat, UK has stolen a random french region where the most famous dish is fried potatoes and the beefy equivalent of surimi to turn it into a whole country with monarchy laid from nowhere 

ahah

[Basman]

It may not be medically accurate, but I do consider autism a sort of social disability. It is your genetic lot in life to struggle more with socialization. It is perfectly normal for autistic people.

The core issue for a lot of the mental suffering of autistic people, from my experience of dealing with them, is rigid and circular thinking. Having a very hard time to let go. Kind of like being on a train with no brakes. It just keeps going and you can't steer it because it is a train. I have an autistic relative who gets stressed out over the slightest breadcrumb and can spend an entire day and a half thinking about how to decorate a room. From an outside perspective, it looks obsessive to a crippling degree.

Counseling is something that has been a huge boon for the happiness of an other autistic friend of mine. There is a lot of advice you could give for improving confidence but I think that an autistic person would benefit a lot from having a safe person to bounce their thoughts off as a start. The counselor can help challenge some of the rigid thinking and re-frame things to be less severe in your mind in a gentle manner.

[LastThursday]

20 hours ago, Clarence said:

Thus I've learned how to mask (to some extent) my autism and how to adapt to the person I talk to to be liked and not rejected.

Don't worry, we all mask to some extent. There's countless threads about how to be more authentic, i.e. mask less. We only show the parts of ourselves that we think others want to see.

I think as long as you're not being or saying offensive things, most people will just accept you as you are, especially once they get to know you more. If you get rejected by people then f*ck them, life's too short, find more interesting people!

Ironically, being worried and sensitive and censoring yourself will make you appear less fluid in your interactions. That's because it takes mental effort to censor yourself when the mental effort should be going into the social interaction instead. 

It seems like you're very observant of others and this is a real plus for social situations. The best results for social interaction is to put all your attention into who you are talking to, and away from yourself - the more you try and control yourself the more people will notice.

Edited April 29 by LastThursday

[Bobby_2021]

Even if you piss someone off they are not going to be thinking about it. They will move on after 2 min.

[Princess Arabia]

3 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

Even if you piss someone off they are not going to be thinking about it. They will move on after 2 min.

The "pissing off" flew by within nano secs, apparently. The 2mins is only the ideas and thoughts about the pissing off. No reality there. No reality regardless, only the apparent movement of energy.

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

The "pissing off" flew by within nano secs, apparently. The 2mins is only the ideas and thoughts about the pissing off. No reality there. No reality regardless, only the apparent movement of energy.

🤜🤛