Narcissistic parents

[Javfly33]

I am contemplating that my mother was more fucked up that I thought.

I thought she was fine but more and more im catching her lots of dysfunctional types of thinking about the world.

Lately I had this memory when I was a kid I said to her something while I was talking in the phone with a friend, I might have been angry or something at her.

Next day my father comes to tell me my mother is very hurt and I should apologise to her.

Is this normal?? Like What the fuck is this? How can a human be so freaking weak and lacking of self-esteem and love that if HIS KID tell him something she goes crying like a little child?? Like dude!! You are the parent! You are supposed to transmit confidence and self-esteem to YOUR KID. Is not backwards. 

And my father buying the victim bullshit from my mother like a little bitch and making me 'apologise'. What the fuck.  From What a pair of manipulative narcissistic beings I was raised.

Sometimes Life throws you a funny hands of cards.

Edited April 18 by Javfly33

[josemar]

How old were you?

Don't worry, it's not your fault you turned out to be a disappointment for your parents...

[Javfly33]

15 minutes ago, josemar said:

How old were you?

Don't worry, it's not your fault you turned out to be a disappointment for your parents...

I cant remember but i think not more than 12 years old

[Ulax]

@Javfly33 Yeah, imo, growing up with dysfunctional parents is like being a fish in water. You know no different. It only when you heal or experience healthier long term relationships that you realise that things were fucked up.

 

Edited April 18 by Ulax

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

People who have unresolved trauma are perpetually stuck in childhood; it's kind of like the part that gets hurt as a kid splits off and remains "frozen in time". The unresolved trauma is like a mental roadblock that prevents you from moving on and developing into an emotionally and psychologically mature adult. So yeah, these types of people are basically like little kids inside adult bodies, and their capacity to be competent parents and raise emotionally healthy kids of their own is dubious at best.

I mean, you might ask yourself how far your own character traits are mirroring those of your parents... there may be more common ground than you'd like to admit.

 

Edited April 19 by Bazooka Jesus

[StarStruck]

Get your own place so you are not at their mercy. If you are an adult you should define your own path in life. It will be the best for everybody: being your own person. You shouldn’t be opening threads about this. You should already know your own answers. 

[Consept]

Your parents may have been dysfunctional but I'm not sure the example is necessarily indicative of that. It's not like people are robots and it's very possible that a child could make their parent upset, you can't remember what you said but it could've been hurtful. Also your mother could've just told your father but not expected him to tell you about it, she could've just said jav said 'something hurtful to me don't say anything to him'. If she was going to manipulate you it could've been directly at you from her, like guilt tripping or stonewalling you or something like that. 

Your dad could have handled a bit better maybe talking it through with you etc but I'm guessing that's not something he does. 

But don't get me wrong you could have 1000 concrete examples of them being narcissistic and they could be. I'm just saying this particular example doesn't confirm it. Generally though, I think we can be a bit harsh on our parents, from whatever consciousness they're at they are trying their best. Some are of course very toxic and there's no way around that, but it's important to be able to look at things as objectively as possible. 

[Javfly33]

14 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Get your own place so you are not at their mercy. If you are an adult you should define your own path in life. It will be the best for everybody: being your own person. You shouldn’t be opening threads about this. You should already know your own answers. 

Yeah, the funny thing is i already Live in my own from 4 years ago or so.

But subconsciously i think i havent been able to tell her fuck you because i was leeching of their economic safety (never ask her for money, but knowing you have an asset of economic safety It can be very entangling for you to Keep maintaning that relationship).

Last week i told her fuck you for the first time and now i realize i almost have no money in bank account and job status is meh. So yeah lol Talk about being unrresponsbible, Now i face true reality lol

4 hours ago, Consept said:

Your parents may have been dysfunctional but I'm not sure the example is necessarily indicative of that. It's not like people are robots and it's very possible that a child could make their parent upset, you can't remember what you said but it could've been hurtful. Also your mother could've just told your father but not expected him to tell you about it, she could've just said jav said 'something hurtful to me don't say anything to him'. If she was going to manipulate you it could've been directly at you from her, like guilt tripping or stonewalling you or something like that. 

Your dad could have handled a bit better maybe talking it through with you etc but I'm guessing that's not something he does. 

But don't get me wrong you could have 1000 concrete examples of them being narcissistic and they could be. I'm just saying this particular example doesn't confirm it. Generally though, I think we can be a bit harsh on our parents, from whatever consciousness they're at they are trying their best. Some are of course very toxic and there's no way around that, but it's important to be able to look at things as objectively as possible. 

For sure

20 hours ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

People who have unresolved trauma are perpetually stuck in childhood; it's kind of like the part that gets hurt as a kid splits off and remains "frozen in time". The unresolved trauma is like a mental roadblock that prevents you from moving on and developing into an emotionally and psychologically mature adult. So yeah, these types of people are basically like little kids inside adult bodies, and their capacity to be competent parents and raise emotionally healthy kids of their own is dubious at best.

(GREAT point)

Until this...

20 hours ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

I mean, you might ask yourself how far your own character traits are mirroring those of your parents... there may be more common ground than you'd like to admit.

 

🤣🤣🤣You couldnt avoid saying that could you? 🤣🤣🤣

[josemar]

2 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

Last week i told her fuck you for the first time and now i realize i almost have no money in bank account and job status is meh. So yeah lol Talk about being unrresponsbible, Now i face true reality lol

How do you think you would react if your child said the same thing to you?

[jimwell]

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

Last week i told her fuck you for the first time and now i realize i almost have no money in bank account and job status is meh. So yeah lol Talk about being unrresponsbible, Now i face true reality lol

 This is the money world in the end. You're as free as the money you have in your bank account. 

Try to connect to your intuition and feeling then ask yourself "Despite my mother's shit, do I feel a loving connection to her though it's vague? Is there a part of her which genuinely loves me?". If the answer is a sure NO, then you must eliminate her from your life. If the answer is YES even if you're not sure, then give her the benefit of the doubt and work on your relationship. If you feel you need to distance yourself from her, do it for 1 or 2 years and see what happens. 

My mother was one of the most ignorant and toxic mothers in the world. I cut her off a few years a few times. But somehow I felt there was a part of her which genuinely loves me. I responded to that aspect of her and worked on our relationship. After many years of work and drama, my mother became one of the most loving mothers in the world. 

I probably can add more details and explanation, but it's difficult because I'm using my smartphone to write this. So, I'll stop here. 

 

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, josemar said:

How do you think you would react if your child said the same thing to you?

I actually didnt told her fuck you. I didnt insult her. I just told her she was a narcisist and similar things and hypocrite etc and dont message me more on WhatsApp

1 hour ago, jimwell said:

 This is the money world in the end. You're as free as the money you have in your bank account. 

 

I probably can add more details and explanation, but it's difficult because I'm using my smartphone to write this. So, I'll stop here. 

 

Got it. My idea was not to completely cut relationship but at least some months. She messages me on WhatsApp at least once a week for years. And thats after i stop answering his calls because i told her phone conversations with her was not doing me good.

I told her adults have respect for other adults if the other adult is asking for some distance the other adult should respect that, knowing im not asking her any money or anything since years ago 

It would be nice to hear more details in your story though

Edited April 20 by Javfly33

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

17 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

🤣🤣🤣You couldnt avoid saying that could you? 🤣🤣🤣

Where's the problem with me saying that?

Recognizing yourself in others is the first step towards true forgiveness, and a very crucial step towards self-knowledge and shadow integration. If you keep pushing away your own shadows and project them onto other people, it will keep you stuck in a perpetual victim mindset, which is the recipe for a miserable life. Which is why I've told you before that if you reject your shadow, it will come back to bite you in the ass.

 

Edited April 21 by Bazooka Jesus

[Javfly33]

8 hours ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

Where's the problem with me saying that?

Recognizing yourself in others is the first step towards true forgiveness, and a very crucial step towards self-knowledge and shadow integration. If you keep pushing away your own shadows and project them onto other people, it will keep you stuck in a perpetual victim mindset, which is the recipe for a miserable life. Which is why I've told you before that if you reject your shadow, it will come back to bite you in the ass.

 

You are the shadow of my Life. Please stop replying To my stops.

Is tiring reading your bullshit all the time.

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

11 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

You are the shadow of my Life. Please stop replying To my stops.

Is tiring reading your bullshit all the time.

Charming as always, lol.

I don't know what to tell you, my friend. This is a self development forum where people write about their views and experiences in order to get honest (and at times challenging) feedback from others for the purpose of hearing different perspectives and, as a result, growing as a person. If you have a problem with that, then I honestly don't know what the hell you are doing here.

And in case my comments trigger your delicate ego too much, feel free to put me on your ignore list.

[BlueOak]

If he's acting in the shadow role, let me use the other reflection to balance it out.

You can also see your exact opposite in others. That's when it gets hard to stay around them too, because you see everything you don't want to be, or want to move away from. It is the end of many relationships of all kinds.

People talk about reality being a mirror, but they usually miss this aspect out: It's a mirror that reflects us and all our wants, hopes, fears, and drives too. How can it not, it is us.

Edited April 21 by BlueOak

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

28 minutes ago, BlueOak said:

If he's acting in the shadow role, let me use the other reflection to balance it out.

You can also see your exact opposite in others. That's when it gets hard to stay around them too, because you see everything you don't want to be, or want to move away from. It is the end of many relationships of all kinds.

People talk about reality being a mirror, but they usually miss this aspect out: It's a mirror that reflects us and all our wants, hopes, fears, and drives too. How can it not, it is us.

Well yes, your shadow are all of your own aspects that you try to deny and suppress, and that are constantly being reflected back to you in other people. It creates a kind of push-pull dynamic where you always "magically" attract people who have those traits, while you simultaneously try to get away from them. And this cycle will go on and on and on until you accept these repressed parts within yourself and integrate them.

That's the whole gist of shadow work theory.

[BlueOak]

1 hour ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

Well yes, your shadow are all of your own aspects that you try to deny and suppress, and that are constantly being reflected back to you in other people. It creates a kind of push-pull dynamic where you always "magically" attract people who have those traits, while you simultaneously try to get away from them. And this cycle will go on and on and on until you accept these repressed parts within yourself and integrate them.

That's the whole gist of shadow work theory.

That's part of it.

Reality also mirrors your drives, fears, hopes, wants, and everything else I can name. All of you.

If you fear a certain thing for example, in some form, that thing is coming up in your reality at some point. 
If you are driven to do X, then X is going to try and come up in your reality.
If something makes you happy, then reality/you will try to create it.
Ditto any emotion, reaction, or thought.

Usually, people can't see this because it won't be an exact replica of what they think they fear, want, or are driven to do, as three simple examples. The mirror/you will try to create the core need/want/desire/fear. It's not just the shadow or unconscious parts of the mirror, as you are telling me here. People have gone so far as to define the entire mirror or reality like this. It's everything you are, not a select piece of you. We just get blindsided by the parts of ourselves we don't yet see.

Edited April 21 by BlueOak

[universe]

Narcissm is something that is very common in our society.

Everyone is on a spectrum. Certain aspects of narcissm are kinda glorified and encouraged in our society, so it's normal and expected everyone has some of it.

If you parents were highly narcisstic, then it is almost impossible for you not to also have narcissm. Because a child will absorb everything around it, to help with navigating this world.

Narcisstic people get their sense of validation and love predominantly from the outside. In short, they have a very limited or non existent ability for self-love.

Therefore, when you are narcisstic, you are constantly very needy. You need reality to be a certain way. Your child must be how you envision it, therefore it cannot be himself.

Do you have any memories of your parents not letting you be who you are and instead demanding from you to be a certain way?

Like you couldn't authentically express yourself?

In this thread you also showed some form of this. For example, you switched the roles I mentioned earlier, by demanding your parents to be a certain way. Or you want members here to behave in a certain way.

Edited April 21 by universe