Overwhelmed with the things I never get to

[fopylo]

It's been a long while since I wrote something.

Hello again!

I ask please not to judge me for this.

For a very long time already I've had this plan in mind to:

1. Buy a certain course about social skills, and in order to do that I need to go open a new credit card (which means ordering the card through the nearest bank) and then paying for the course.
Also to finish going over all the newsletters I've been getting from them.

2. To finish and be up to date with anime reaction videos (anime I've watched already on my own) of someone I am subscribed to on Patreon. He keeps releasing new videos that I just enjoy watching, but I realize that when I am excited watching him react to something that I found very cool I am basically wasting time I could have anything watched a new anime myself - which I really wanted to do and catch on already. So almost every day I check if he uploaded something. Now I'm making an effort to watch his reactions just to ONE anime.

3. Start investing money. I have FINALLY gotten the trading app for my phone, a comfy one. My goal for this year was to finish watching a playlist of like 70 videos of someone explaining about investing. I have stupidly rushed into buying some QQQ stocks because I think it might be good but mostly because of FOMO and that I am not managing to invest time to learn about investment.

4. Get back to watching anime. Boy oh boy, you don't have to understand this one much' but I haven't watched anime in such a long time, because instead I've been watching reactions to anime. I really want to get back to it once I make myself psychologically available from all the previous stuff. I know this is just a psychological problem.

5. Get back to music. This has been so long lost that it isn't something I think about anymore. I haven't touched the piano really for like a little over 2 years (basically when I started my job of serving the country). This has been a long lost dream, really. I don't have much emotion now writing this. The only reason I felt like writing it is because I really like to whistle and I know that I am musically gifted.

 

Ok, so as you see, I believe I'm trapped in some sort of matrix. I have my focus in different places, not accomplishing anything, nothing useful about that. I keep having this fantasy of managing all of those together (like "once I finish this, then I'll finally be able to focus on getting on with the others").
I am really stuck.

But you know? It's been a very long time since I've been here. I've ditched Leo and all this stuff behind thinking it is all delusional and mental masturbation. But after reading Yuval Noah Harari's first 2 books, and stumbling across Leo's video of Understanding Survival Part 1 it all started making more sense to me. Nothing fluffy about it. It was practical from the beginning to the end. And so I continued getting back to him, rewatching some stuff I saw a while back. I just don't want to fall into the mental masturbation and fantasy land making it a distraction for my problems.
I am also thinking of planning the episodes I'll watch.
Too information overload.

With all that I can still proudly say that I'm satisfied with where I am in terms of workout (calisthenics), and that I can understand some basic Japanese from a podcast I'm listening to.

Wow! Feels like a long time I haven't said anything. It has kind of a feeling to it...
I hope to keep learning and growing. This whole awareness and survival game is really peaking my interest.
I guess growth isn't linear after all, very far from what I thought.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S93-iwxGmI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYCphOBe7Y8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg

[RendHeaven]

3 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I am also thinking of planning the episodes I'll watch.

There's your problem lol.

you're not even watching the episodes...

you're not even PLANNING on watching the episodes...

you're THINKING of PLANNING on WATCHING 😭

That's literally 3 steps removed from present moment immersion in real life tasks (watching a video is already 1 step removed)

[RendHeaven]

12 minutes ago, fopylo said:

2. To finish and be up to date with anime reaction videos (anime I've watched already on my own) of someone I am subscribed to on Patreon. He keeps releasing new videos that I just enjoy watching, but I realize that when I am excited watching him react to something that I found very cool I am basically wasting time I could have anything watched a new anime myself - which I really wanted to do and catch on already. So almost every day I check if he uploaded something. Now I'm making an effort to watch his reactions just to ONE anime.

 

Nicholas Light? 👀

[fopylo]

@RendHeaven whaaaaaatttttt???

Bro... Yes! I ain't gonna lie he is the best in terms of reactions. Nothing fake about his reactions lol, seems pretty genuine and gives good commentaries. His content is sometimes addictive

[Michael569]

Hey, 

No judgement here, I think everybody struggles with some fort of self-frustration in our lives. I agree with@RendHeaven in that it seems like you are somewhat keeping yourself in the " I am planning to start thinking about this thing that I've been meaning to do for some time but I haven't because I'm too busy with thinking about planning it. " but you never actually get to execute on those things. Maybe out of fear? Sense of being overwhelmed? Limited time? fomo? 

Let me throw this back at you. 

• What do you really you want out of life? 
• What are you truly passionate about? 
• What makes you happy? 
• What makes you frustrated? 
• What do you think is holding you back from taking action?
  • Take the example of credit card. What do you think is preventing you from: logging your details to the CC company, ordering the card, registering it and starting to use it. 
  • forget about paying your credit card debit for now - this is a completely separate process that comes later. 

Edited April 16 by Michael569

[fopylo]

@Michael569

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I agree with@RendHeaven in that it seems like you are somewhat keeping yourself in the " I am planning to start thinking about this thing that I've been meaning to do for some time but I haven't because I'm too busy with thinking about planning it. " 

No. I mean, that's not true though. This isn't a major issue currently though. It's just that recently I want to start watching his videos and I'll want to plan it out and combine it somehow with all the above.

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What do you really you want out of life? 

I dunno. Not thinking much about it now.

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What are you truly passionate about? 

I like working out and to read.

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What makes you happy? 

My dog, laughing, cool music, entertainment.

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What makes you frustrated? 

Failing socially and feeling 'stuck' in life.

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

What do you think is holding you back from taking action?

Pretty much the body and feelings.

 

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Take the example of credit card. What do you think is preventing you from: logging your details to the CC company, ordering the card, registering it and starting to use it. 

Perhaps I don't remind myself too much about. I don't think about it during the day, just at night sometimes when I reflect a bit. Perhaps I need to raise more awareness on it? I dunno.

[RendHeaven]

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

Bro... Yes! I ain't gonna lie he is the best in terms of reactions. Nothing fake about his reactions lol, seems pretty genuine and gives good commentaries. His content is sometimes addictive

@fopylo Nick is the only "reactor" I will ever watch, his freedom of expression is something I look up to.

I never thought reaction channels had genuine original input until I found Nick (as far back as his early AoT days)

I immediately had a feeling you thought the same haha.

8 hours ago, fopylo said:

No. I mean, that's not true though.

Are you sure? If you could just execute the task without hesitation (in all areas of life) I don't think you would be making this forum post here.

From what I can tell, there is just too much time-delay between your desire for the thing, and your body moving to take action.

And when you reflect on that fact, it brings up emotions of feeling stuck.

8 hours ago, fopylo said:

Pretty much the body and feelings.

If you don't think, you can dramatically decrease this block. Most feelings (ESPECIALLY DOUBT) are fueled by thought. With a perfect "zenmind" it's impossible to doubt yourself.

Regarding the body block, you could just be severely tired. I've noticed that no matter how perfect my mindset is, if I am physically low-energy I just won't move. There is something to be said for taking better care of your body (circadian rhythm, sunlight, eat whole foods, work out)

8 hours ago, fopylo said:

Failing socially and feeling 'stuck' in life.

Me too man, you're not alone

[Chadders]

@fopylo

3. Start investing money. I have FINALLY gotten the trading app for my phone, a comfy one. My goal for this year was to finish watching a playlist of like 70 videos of someone explaining about investing. I have stupidly rushed into buying some QQQ stocks because I think it might be good but mostly because of FOMO and that I am not managing to invest time to learn about investment.

I would suggest you proceed with caution when it comes to trading. IMO trading is a mugs game. It’s basically gambling and you can lose a hell of a lot of money. Only professional traders know how to play the game and even they can lose a ton of money. Are there other ways to make money? New career or vocation?

5. Get back to music. This has been so long lost that it isn't something I think about anymore. I haven't touched the piano really for like a little over 2 years (basically when I started my job of serving the country). This has been a long lost dream, really. I don't have much emotion now writing this. The only reason I felt like writing it is because I really like to whistle and I know that I am musically gifted.

This I like. Music is good for the soul and good to connect creatively in ways that can be shared with others

 

[Eph75]

@fopylo

Perhaps you're making it too complicated, and within that too complicated picture that you have painted for yourself you have gotten lost in that picture, not finding the path forward. 

Consider that the path forward is not at all in that painting, but in that which compels you to paint in a certain way. 

That very thing that produces the thought that you feel compelled by and that which creates the sense of right and wrong, good and bad that keep you stuck. 

When you think about how you should get out of "your rut", what you are likely doing is reversing and repainting the same picture over and over again, defining that picture as ultimately true. But what you're doing is really shortcutting yourself right into the Cul de Sac, the dead end, that you've visited and keep revisiting over and over again. 

It's you maintaining status quo, but you've been there, you've been down that road, you know exactly where it ends... () 

Then, how do you choose a different road when you don't know how, and the only road that shows up before you it that one, your, road? 

Observation.

Consider that you don't need to do anything else than observe the going-ons within you. Then asking yourself questions about what makes you think the way you do, where your answers seem preconceived and what's true and needed is unquestionable so. 

What was it that made you you? What defining moments were there in your earlier life that cause you to become who you are, that has the thoughts that occur to you occur. 

There is greater understanding to be found here, there are those defining moments in our lives when we decided "I don't want to be that" or "I need to do this to" in order to be, as we make up, successful in life. 

It's the writing of the script of who we are, that we hold unquestionably true. And it's not unquestionably true at all, in fact, it's all made up and there are specific reasons we subconsciously made it up and "wrote" that script in the shape we did.

The only issue is that the script will prove itself not working, it's just a matter of time and to what degree it's creating a discrepancy in our minds.

And yet we will keep adding more and more into the script, building an increasingly more complex one.

That is, until a point that the script is proven to ourselves not working anymore and we either get stuck, or we reject parts of the script replacing it with something that works better, so that we can be more successful, in increasingly holistic ways. 

That script you don't choose to change. It changes by mere observation, making connections between our current manifestation and what events made us choose certain ways of being, generating insights into ourselves which in turn may create shifts that allows us to see what parts of the script that we need to let go of, being replaces by something new. 

This works in unpredictable ways, and logics do not apply as your logics is generated by your current script. 

For example, and this is just a provocative example, you may think that you want to stay ajour with the anime scene, buy that may be a compulsory thought generated by something in your internal script, making that unquestionably true and a result is that there is something else wrong inside the picture that you have painted, but it not being related to anime. It then makes you focus more on the rest, while continuing wanting for anime.

What if the one thing that makes it compulsory is the thing that needs introspection into?

What if that compulsory scrioting makes anime a conceptual must? 

Equally, you can say that you have scripting that create action towards the things that you compulsory do pursue. Driven by a specific behavior, judgment or lens, that you chose for some specific reason, albeit subconsciously so, in order to be able to be successful as you made up successful to be. 

Looking into this composition of who we are and gaining more understanding of what makes us have thoughts occur to us in a certain way "making you seem you" allows for creating some wiggleroom and freedom to have new thoughts occur, or old thoughts occur in slightly new ways, leading to the picture being drawn be somewhat different, where the predetermined Cul de Sac does not occur in the first place. 

There's no absolut true or right way of doing it. It's all about the process itself.

What events might there have been in your earlier years where you made such choices about who you are, want to be, or don't want to be, that created the set of tools that are paining your current painting? 

Sit with this question. For hours, and scribble down what you come up with, and consider sharing, explaining and opening up for someone else to ask into what you make up being true.

Suspend your judgment of whatever shows up. Query further into it. 

And while doing this, hold whatever comes up for you lightly (!) ... after all you are just making it up and it is likely to be proven untrue and needing to be replaced further down the path, so try not being too attached to the new truth emerging. 

Good luck my friend 

[fopylo]

@RendHeaven

12 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Nick is the only "reactor" I will ever watch, his freedom of expression is something I look up to.

I never thought reaction channels had genuine original input until I found Nick (as far back as his early AoT days)

I immediately had a feeling you thought the same haha.

For real. He shows honest appreciation to anime. I really loved watching the hxh, aot, bluelock, and now it's my hero academia.

 

[fopylo]

11 hours ago, Chadders said:

I would suggest you proceed with caution when it comes to trading. IMO trading is a mugs game. It’s basically gambling and you can lose a hell of a lot of money. Only professional traders know how to play the game and even they can lose a ton of money. Are there other ways to make money? New career or vocation?

@Chadders I'm not planning on doing trading (at least not now), but rather long term investments.

[fopylo]

@Eph75

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Consider that the path forward is not at all in that painting, but in that which compels you to paint in a certain way. 

Emotions?

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

When you think about how you should get out of "your rut", what you are likely doing is reversing and repainting the same picture over and over again, defining that picture as ultimately true. But what you're doing is really shortcutting yourself right into the Cul de Sac, the dead end, that you've visited and keep revisiting over and over again. 

Bro you're very poetic (in a good way). So basically you're talking about "planning the direction of my life"? As long as I keep coming with a plan for how my life's layout will look like, a story basically (or painting as you out it), I'm gonna keep arriving to this dead end. This might explain why I've been feeling stuck throughout my life.

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

It's you maintaining status quo, but you've been there, you've been down that road, you know exactly where it ends... () 

Yes...

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

It's the writing of the script of who we are, that we hold unquestionably true. And it's not unquestionably true at all, in fact, it's all made up and there are specific reasons we subconsciously made it up and "wrote" that script in the shape we did.

The brain's skewed way of defining yourself and to preserve it. It's in the DNA.

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

The only issue is that the script will prove itself not working, it's just a matter of time and to what degree it's creating a discrepancy in our minds.

I don't think it's so intuitive though that it's the script that is the problem. Without hearing about it from someone, I don't think I'd ever guess it's the story of myself that causes problems.

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

That is, until a point that the script is proven to ourselves not working anymore and we either get stuck, or we reject parts of the script replacing it with something that works better, so that we can be more successful, in increasingly holistic ways. 

Yeah, had a strong feeling you won't say something like "let go of the story". As humans, we always give meaning to things. It's like a psychological need.

4 hours ago, Eph75 said:

That script you don't choose to change. It changes by mere observation, making connections between our current manifestation and what events made us choose certain ways of being, generating insights into ourselves which in turn may create shifts that allows us to see what parts of the script that we need to let go of, being replaces by something new. 

So this is the how  awareness leads to a better experience of life? Those insights actually create shifts in the neurological level of the brain?

5 hours ago, Eph75 said:

This works in unpredictable ways, and logics do not apply as your logics is generated by your current script. 

Isn't it also because we resist change because of homeo stasis (from a survival point of view)?

Seems like you're saying trying to change the situation with logic from a bad script vs changing the script via observation.

5 hours ago, Eph75 said:

For example, and this is just a provocative example, you may think that you want to stay ajour with the anime scene, buy that may be a compulsory thought generated by something in your internal script, making that unquestionably true and a result is that there is something else wrong inside the picture that you have painted, but it not being related to anime. It then makes you focus more on the rest, while continuing wanting for anime.

Holy shit dude, your writing is so heavy for my understanding😂. It's quite hurting the brain lol. A new paradigm thinking in terms of scripts...

What do you mean by "but it may be a compulsory thought generated by something in your internal script"?

It was quite hard for me to understand what you wrote...

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

What if the one thing that makes it compulsory is the thing that needs introspection into?

I'll try introspecting more into it

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

What events might there have been in your earlier years where you made such choices about who you are, want to be, or don't want to be, that created the set of tools that are paining your current painting? 

Dude how can I remember those details? I don't remember.

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Sit with this question. For hours, and scribble down what you come up with, and consider sharing, explaining and opening up for someone else to ask into what you make up being true.

Oh, ok, for hours, maybe then I'll remember lol. But what if I'm wrong about the answer, and believe it to be something else than the true answer? I could invent/pull up a story without noticing.

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

And while doing this, hold whatever comes up for you lightly (!) ... after all you are just making it up and it is likely to be proven untrue and needing to be replaced further down the path, so try not being too attached to the new truth emerging. 

Ok all this is a little new to me so I didn't quite understand everything that you said, but it's ok, I got a lot. Gives me vibes of Psycho-Cybernetics (a books I didn't even read lol).

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Good luck my friend 

Thanks a lot

[Eph75]

Ultimately writing posts like this is too blunt to allow for diggin down into the nuances of all of those statements, as our existing meaning making will make sense of what's there, force it into our existing frame of interpretation.

Here, we're looking at reframing the way thoughts occur to us 

[fopylo]

@RendHeaven Oh wait shit, dafaq?? How did I forget who you were? Bro... I was just scrolling through some old thread of the faces of the people our of curiosity and then I see you but for some reason I forgot that this is how you named yourself.

That totally makes sense that you watch him lmao.

Wait, just in order not to confuse you with someone else, did you also say you watch anime?