Had glimpses of insanity last night

[Inception]

By being active on this forum (among other things) I've made more progress in the past week than I've made than in the past months. I never knew that the forum could be this potent. I kept getting very profund insights spontaneously. But I feel like I flew too close to the sun though, as I could feel myself and my reality getting gradually more unhinged, because my life was changing too much (for the better) too fast. In a sense I kind of knew that amount of progress would be unsustainable, but I just kept riding the wave. I don't really regret it, because it absolutely felt right at the time.

The end result of this was that last night between the 13th and 14th while I was about to fall asleep I had what I would call "glimpses of insanity". All I remember while being in these states of consciousness is that I understood something that I really didn't want to understand. Like I perceived "it" for what "it" really was. I had no idea what it was that I understood, all I know is that I did and that i didn't want to. It wasn't something visual (although my visual field was kinda blurry), it was existential. Like a direct transmission of pure, raw and uncensored understanding. I was no longer my self, i.e. my state of being changed. It was truly horrifying and I remember begging and pleading to return to the comfort of ignorance. This happened multiple times with each glimpse lasting for less than a minute, but feeling more like 5 minutes. Looking back I've had these glimpses before, but much less in intensity and only while semi-sleeping so they weren't as obvious and easier to forget. I also remember thinking about illogical thinks as though they made perfect sense.

In the "State Of Consciousness Is Everything" episode, Leo pointed out that we're assuming that we can do this work while maintaining our sanity (sense of reality), and thereby implying that it's not (necessarily) the case. Now I get what he means. The illusory nature of what I call reality is becoming increasingly and painfully obvious. If I don't watch out, someday something will hit me so deep that I will no longer just intellectually, but instead fully and viserally realize that it's all an illusion, i.e. wake up. Right now the illusion still seems like reality at heart. What we call sanity is actually a pretty fragile when you think about it, now I get why we have all the deception going; It's to keep the tightly walled garden that is our reality from dissolving. I really take my hat off to Leo; How he's still able to remain sane with his level of understanding is beyond me. I'm even surprised how (most of) the long-time followers are still sane.

Anyways, the main takeaway from this experience is that I need to chill for a moment, and take my foot off the accelerator. So I will be going back to logging in max. once at the end of each day when I've taken care of my survival concerns. Also I'll try to stay closer to the ground so to speak, both with with the kind of topics I'll be discussing and how I'll be discussing them, i.e. I'll be spending less time in spiritual section... I've been contemplating psychedelics for a while now, but now I'm convinced that they're off the table for me for at least the foreseeable future. They also don't seem necessary as I'm able to trip plenty without them.

I've spend most of the day grounding by going for some walks and doing practical stuff like cleaning, and I'm already feeling much better, grounded and stable. I've also made an effort not to enter the forum until now (24 hours), but I'll admit it was hard not to, which just goes to show you how addicted I've gotten recently. Take care everyone, and cherish your sanity while you still have it. Insanity is no joke, i.e. it's real!

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.” - H. P. Lovecraft

[Razard86]

If you go deep enough in this work you can definitely end up in a psyche ward. This work has sent me there a couple times as my mind started to hallucinate random shit and I'm talking physics defying shit. I even discovered what selfishness really is on the metaphysical level, which is simply...selfishness at its highest level is your ground. Your configuration of reality as how it represents itself is your selfishness.

You feel a certain way in your body, it fits like a glove a certain way. What you see and how you see, taste, smell, hear, and touch are all a certain way. When you start messing with that configuration you will feel like you are going insane. Close-mindedness exists for a reason. If your mind wasn't close-minded you have no idea what type of crap you could be experiencing. I got to discover what insanity is doing this work and it finally hit me why some people experience demons, hell, and other types of nightmares. 

Most humans take for granted how well-constructed and consistent their psyche is. One of the best ways to torture people to me would be to strap someone to a chair, show them repeat images of their greatest fears and then give them a hallucinogen and watch them squirm as they torture themselves with an unhinged mind.

You feeling the way you did does mean you were creeping close to the fire....very close. One of the signs you are finding out the truth is the world starts to feel a little alien, and you stop feeling human. That's when you know you are making progress and you discover....do you really want to know? Do you really want to deconstruct your reality and break the illusion? Are you sure? 

For example....you could break the chain of sequence of time in this illusion, and will discover that you are imaging people to fill in the gaps of what happened when you blacked out. This shit is a conspiracy of ONE....and that ONE is you!!! LOL.

[BipolarGrowth]

If you haven’t lost your mind, you cannot fully understand what a “mind” is. You can think of it working similar to how you don’t really understand what gravity is until you experience zero gravity. You can’t know what health is until you are injured or sick. 
 

Going on walks is a good idea. Cleaning is also good. Whatever “normie” activities you can think of should serve well. Doing physical work can also be quite grounding. 

Edited April 15, 2024 by BipolarGrowth

[Inception]

11 hours ago, Razard86 said:

If you go deep enough in this work you can definitely end up in a psyche ward. This work has sent me there a couple times as my mind started to hallucinate random shit and I'm talking physics defying shit.

Sounds like you've seen some stuff. What happens when you get there?

11 hours ago, Razard86 said:

I even discovered what selfishness really is on the metaphysical level, which is simply...selfishness at its highest level is your ground. Your configuration of reality as how it represents itself is your selfishness.

Wow, sounds like selfishness is way more profound that just not wanting to share. I've noticed that a lot of (if not all) life's aspects have way deeper metaphysical dimensions, of which their superficial dimensions are only a caricatural reflection.

11 hours ago, Razard86 said:

You feeling the way you did does mean you were creeping close to the fire....very close. One of the signs you are finding out the truth is the world starts to feel a little alien, and you stop feeling human. That's when you know you are making progress and you discover....do you really want to know? Do you really want to deconstruct your reality and break the illusion? Are you sure? 

Yes I'm sure... that I don't want to! I'll admit it; I don't actually want to know the Truth, at least not yet. I have smaller relative illusions that I want to unravel before, which will actually improve my life as appose to destroy it, like limiting beliefs etc. I have so much to do in this "reality" before I'll even consider transcending it. This is actually a huge revelation for me.

11 hours ago, Razard86 said:

For example....you could break the chain of sequence of time in this illusion, and will discover that you are imaging people to fill in the gaps of what happened when you blacked out.

Could you elaborate on this, blacked out when?

11 hours ago, Razard86 said:

This shit is a conspiracy of ONE....and that ONE is you!!! LOL.

Glad you could take on my perspective 

[Inception]

8 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

If you haven’t lost your mind, you cannot fully understand what a “mind” is. You can think of it working similar to how you don’t really understand what gravity is until you experience zero gravity. You can’t know what health is until you are injured or sick. 

Interesting insight and good analogy. Have you lost your mind before? Also how can you be sure to "find" your mind again, is that even guaranteed?

 

[Razard86]

6 hours ago, Inception said:

Sounds like you've seen some stuff. What happens when you get there?

Wow, sounds like selfishness is way more profound that just not wanting to share. I've noticed that a lot of (if not all) life's aspects have way deeper metaphysical dimensions, of which their superficial dimensions are only a caricatural reflection.

Yes I'm sure... that I don't want to! I'll admit it; I don't actually want to know the Truth, at least not yet. I have smaller relative illusions that I want to unravel before, which will actually improve my life as appose to destroy it, like limiting beliefs etc. I have so much to do in this "reality" before I'll even consider transcending it. This is actually a huge revelation for me.

Could you elaborate on this, blacked out when?

Glad you could take on my perspective 

First I want to say I love your honesty!!! Thank you for being so honest and open!!! There is nothing wrong with not going to the deep end, absolutely nothing at all!!! The most important thing in life is self-observation and admitting what you discover!! You discovered you want to unravel some thing but not everything and that is great!!!

Do you know how terrible it would have been if you were dishonest with yourself about what you wanted to do and potentially traumatized yourself? What people do not understand is trauma and many other repeat patterns are due to a lack of acceptance. I have experienced some crazy shit that would traumatize a normal person but it doesn't bother me because of how I interpret the experience. But the most important thing is, I wanted the experience so I take full responsibility for how terrifying it is and don't attempt to place blame on something outside of myself, doing that is what actually causes suffering. 

So it's important to recognize early if you are just looking for fun and exploration and if you are it's important to know this work can unravel past hurts, create hellish experiences, and ultimately mind fuck/twist turn upside down everything you ever held dear. You basically learn that you have to consciously delude yourself to be grounded. Even though you saw the truth and what it was, you continue to socialize and play by the rules of society. Now to answer your questions.

Ok so the part about blacking out. I once had an experience where I blacked out, and I was told that certain family members did certain things supposedly when I blacked out which would not be probable because they lacked certain information. But the actions they took helped me out of a tight spot, but how could they do it when they were unaware I needed the help because I never told them I needed the help because I was currently in a state that I wasn't aware I needed that help. In short its like someone paying a bill for you and you never told them the website to make the payment online, and you forgot the bill was due. How the hell could they pay it for you on time when you never told them anything about it!!!

^^This is when I realized that I was dreaming everything. I was protecting myself by dreaming up things as I was exploring consciousness and when I did something really stupid in that process....a rescue of some sort would come about. Since I lived my life before Spirituality not taking any risks I never knew that the reason stupid people survive is because Consciousness protects them (up to a point obviously) and that's when I realized the Spirit of the teachings. 

And about the selfishness bit, we have levels of dislike we are not aware of and that is why suffering can be transformative. For example let's say you complain about your current job, or what area you live in and this constantly bothers you. Having your mind fucked in a bad trip can create and appreciation for sanity. You will be so appreciative that you are mentally stable that you may forget your issues with your job and living situation. So our selfishness at its highest level is how you mentally feel as the human/character/person.

If I started making you itch, or make your eyesight more zoomed in or out, or started messing with the "settings" of your experience like it was a computer video game you really wouldn't like that. So selfishness is just comfort, you really want things to be a particular way because you are use to them. You can also just call it an attachment to a pattern.

[BipolarGrowth]

6 hours ago, Inception said:

Interesting insight and good analogy. Have you lost your mind before? Also how can you be sure to "find" your mind again, is that even guaranteed?

 

By the definition of the people around me, I’ve definitely lost my mind many times. “Psychotic features” is part of my medical diagnosis. The medical records from my various manic and depressive episodes are several hundreds of pages long from just one institution of the many I’ve been to. The mind for some people can be an easy thing to lose, but I’d say it’s far rarer for it to stay lost. The entire society around you will pressure you back to sanity if you do lose your mind for a time. Your brain will not want to stay that far out of homeostasis for long either. The sorts of neurochemical processes which cause insanity come at a high cost and are difficult for the brain and body to sustain. 

[Inception]

17 hours ago, Razard86 said:

First I want to say I love your honesty!!! Thank you for being so honest and open!!! There is nothing wrong with not going to the deep end, absolutely nothing at all!!! The most important thing in life is self-observation and admitting what you discover!! You discovered you want to unravel some thing but not everything and that is great!!!

Cheers bro, I appreciate it!  It's better to honest even about your dishonesty. Sometimes I'll admit that I won't admit something, but notice by doing that I'm already half admitting it, as opposed to denying that you're denying something. Honesty is the first step.

17 hours ago, Razard86 said:

^^This is when I realized that I was dreaming everything. I was protecting myself by dreaming up things as I was exploring consciousness and when I did something really stupid in that process....a rescue of some sort would come about. Since I lived my life before Spirituality not taking any risks I never knew that the reason stupid people survive is because Consciousness protects them (up to a point obviously) and that's when I realized the Spirit of the teachings. 

Yeah divine protection, it's basically like plot armor. The way I look at it is that I'm protected for as long as I'm needed to serve the Higher Purpose of the Universe (evolution of consciousness), i.e. I'm not just protected for the sake of it. Which explains why I'm still alive after all the stupid things I've done, it's a miracle really. Also I'm not gonna test my luck, there's a limit like you say. I live my life as though I'm not protected though.

"Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you" - Saint Augustine

[Razard86]

21 minutes ago, Inception said:

Cheers bro, I appreciate it!  It's better to honest even about your dishonesty. Sometimes I'll admit that I won't admit something, but notice by doing that I'm already half admitting it, as opposed to denying that you're denying something. Honesty is the first step.

Yeah divine protection, it's basically like plot armor. The way I look at it is that I'm protected for as long as I'm needed to serve the Higher Purpose of the Universe (evolution of consciousness), i.e. I'm not just protected for the sake of it. Which explains why I'm still alive after all the stupid things I've done, it's a miracle really. Also I'm not gonna test my luck, there's a limit like you say. I live my life as though I'm not protected though.

"Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you" - Saint Augustine

I tested that limit and I love your plot armor analogy. It is definitely plot armor. But when you discover you have plot armor you then wonder when is that day coming when that plot armor is traded in for the end of the human body?

[Inception]

17 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

By the definition of the people around me, I’ve definitely lost my mind many times. “Psychotic features” is part of my medical diagnosis. The medical records from my various manic and depressive episodes are several hundreds of pages long from just one institution of the many I’ve been to.

Does your records have any effect of what you can and can't do in society? One of my worst fears is that I'll be declared clinically insane and then they'll use that as an excuse to discredit me.

17 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

The entire society around you will pressure you back to sanity if you do lose your mind for a time.

Yeah, they act as an agent to keep you in their consensus reality, which I guess is why mystics venture to the mountains where they can go deep into inner space and maybe never come back.

[Inception]

15 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

I tested that limit and I love your plot armor analogy.

Thanks!

15 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

But when you discover you have plot armor you then wonder when is that day coming when that plot armor is traded in for the end of the human body?

I guess when I've severed my purpose and I'm no longer needed, i. e. when Truth is realized.

[BipolarGrowth]

2 hours ago, Inception said:

Does your records have any effect of what you can and can't do in society? One of my worst fears is that I'll be declared clinically insane and then they'll use that as an excuse to discredit me.

Yeah, they act as an agent to keep you in their consensus reality, which I guess is why mystics venture to the mountains where they can go deep into inner space and maybe never come back.

There are absolutely no rights or liberties that are limited because of my diagnosis or medical history. There is actually quite a bit of legislation to protect me from any sorts of discrimination. I highly doubt you need to worry about this unless you live in China, Yemen, or some other God forsaken country. Any modern western country should be quite safe in this regard. Unless you are an actual and persistent danger to society, they’re not going to lock you up somewhere and throw away the key. 

Edited April 16, 2024 by BipolarGrowth

[BlueOak]

When you open your third eye, to get a glimpse of reality, it can feel like this. For the logically minded, imagine if you could see radio waves, in a city you'd be in a lightning storm or ocean.

The visual spectrum is very small, the third eye allows a certain amount more to be seen. greymen, black voids, and spheres of light as examples. Yes this is all in your mind, but so is the apple, the chair you're sitting on, or this conversation. For me, this is where the grey alien subject comes from, or the spheres of light people say they see.

People who say they are seeing demons are either experiencing psychosis, having another spiritual experience, or have their third eye open. Learning to close off these spiritual centers to give themselves a break is sometimes all they need.
 

[Inception]

On 17.4.2024 at 8:20 AM, BlueOak said:

When you open your third eye, to get a glimpse of reality, it can feel like this. For the logically minded, imagine if you could see radio waves, in a city you'd be in a lightning storm or ocean.

The visual spectrum is very small, the third eye allows a certain amount more to be seen. greymen, black voids, and spheres of light as examples. Yes this is all in your mind, but so is the apple, the chair you're sitting on, or this conversation. For me, this is where the grey alien subject comes from, or the spheres of light people say they see.

Not sure if this was an opening of the third eye, though. There weren't really any visual effects associated with the experience, it was more like a change in state of consciousness.

On 17.4.2024 at 8:20 AM, BlueOak said:

People who say they are seeing demons are either experiencing psychosis, having another spiritual experience, or have their third eye open.

What the difference between the three scenarios?

 

[BlueOak]

10 hours ago, Inception said:

Not sure if this was an opening of the third eye, though. There weren't really any visual effects associated with the experience, it was more like a change in state of consciousness.

What the difference between the three scenarios?

 

Being more conscious is why people do third-eye work, work on body awareness, energy work, or consult their intuition in various forms.

Psychosis. Big YOU or small you. You can't plan a spiritual experience, it's either going to come or not. My experience is that it's usually a metaphor, and has many levels of meaning, intersecting with my life for years to come (as infinity is not a flat timeline). Although my ego may have some influence on how I perceive it, it's not running the show. 

I don't want to get too much into it, because giving you a process to achieve X is how ego works. A spiritual experience is just going to happen, you can be receptive to them, show an interest in receiving them, get in a calm state, develop healthy patterned behavior, raise energy levels, remove toxins in the body, and not drain all your mental energy through over-focusing every day, but that's about it.

Someone in psychosis could just be their ego putting thoughtforms in their head and reinforcing them to sustain their reality, they could have had a mental break where two of their personalities (behavioral templates) have completely split from one another, or they could have their third eye open. Any other medical condition I am unaware of.

Working on opening the third eye is allowing a wider experience in. People explain it as going through various stages, it can happen all at once sometimes, and that can be unnerving. Myself I got different amounts of perception coming in, or reality-altering. For example, an easy one is the corner of your eyes, you'll start to see more going on there, or you'll see shadowy forms, or on a bright day, very bright forms. For me, that is the beginning. A full third opening would be seeing something entirely differently than what your eyes perceive the surface of it to be. - No drugs or substances are needed, just practice receiving, being open, calm, raising energy, and sometimes decalcifying the pineal gland. Most people tire themselves out with mental stimulation and don't have any energy in those centers to have these experiences.

Edited April 19, 2024 by BlueOak