Symptom investigation and Recovery Journal

[ZenAlex]

Going to document my recent suffering here and talk about everything I'm experiencing and everything I've tried to rule out and considered. Hopefully this will have some value to summarize all of it here, and may one day help someone else in a similar situation.

I'll start by saying I'm annoyed at myself because at times haven't really done much practical to resolve these issues, just researched and procrastinated a lot when I couldn't find anything.

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About 7 months I started getting a strange set of symptoms. I've had unexplained symptoms for 8-9 years, and I'll document them below just in case a connection is made, but the symptoms I had before the last 7 months weren't getting in the way of me functioning like a healthy enough human. It was functional and reasonably enjoyable if I followed the right routine. 

Symptoms that started around aug/sep 2023 - 

Exaggerated stress response to physical activity - Any amount of prolonged physical activity makes me feel worse, but anything more than around 40-45 minutes of walking a day and I feel way more depressed, anxious, irritable. There's no way I could handle doing high intensity exercise or hikes right now. I've gotta keep the walks below a certain level or it ruins my mood for a while and also triggers physical symptoms. If I did 1 hour a day, I'd still be able to function but I'd feel terrible. Above an hour a day, I'd be seriously suicidal. 

At times I experience lightheadedness and weird feelings of being unbalanced - Especially happens on days where I've had to walk more or gone on walks. When I stop physical activity for a few days the symptoms calm right down. 

More sensitive reaction to mental exertion. Physical exertion impacts me more, but mental exertion is also pretty bad. 

Random bouts of tinnitus - Exacerbated by physical exertion and sometimes mental.

At times sharp pains around my body - Ab, rib, testicular. If I keep physical activity to an absolute minimum, it's minimal pain. 

Sore stomachs - The worse the symptoms  get the worse my stomach gets along side that. I get GI issues, although if I avoid physical and sometimes mental exertion, the symptoms calm and are correlated by the level of physical and mental exertion involved.

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What have I tried to resolve this? -

Tests

Had many different blood tests done - Looked at vitamins, minerals, cholesterol, hormones, thyroid, autoimmune. 

B12 potentially not optimal, although active b12 within range, MMA test showed normal, so although it could be improved, not convinced b12 deficiency to such a degree that I'm willing to do Shots/High strength supps for reasons I'll get into below. Omega 3 ratios weren't in January 2024, but on advice from Michal took a Fatty Acids test and will see what that comes back with. SHBG levels were out of range. MPV platelets slightly high but no concern to docs, HDL cholesterol was slightly low in Feb, but doc was not concerned as LDL cholesterol and other cholesterol was "excellent".

Other tests done - 24 hr ECG, 24 hr BP monitor by NHS doc. GP commented that sometimes BP dropping a bit low, have noticed this when taking myself, can do as low as 95/58, but often not that low, GP said it could be because I'm healthy. Heart results sent to cardiology, they want to do a 72 hour test and get me to fill in a diary of activity. 

Food intolerance and Allergy test - Food intolerance test was IgG, not sure I have much faith in it, but the Food and Environmental Allergy test was IgE - Dust mites was one of the highest and I have known dusty rooms were a big irritator to my eyes. Not sure if my eye problems are related to underlying health issues or one specific allergy, but will continue to eliminate and allergy proof my environment, and see if I notice any patterns and connections. 

Tests done and awaiting results -

Done by me via company - Fatty Acids; Erythrocytes, DAO Histamine (Will consider an anti-histamine at some point to see if that helps).

Done by nhs doctor - Fasting "9am test" SHBG/Testosterone, Cortisol, Thyroid recheck.

Tests ordered - 

Cortisol 4 point Saliva test, Active b12 recheck test (to see if dietary changes are impacting or if amount has lowered since nov), Covid antibody check test (not hopeful but might as well).

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Diet - 

Eliminated Gluten - Stomach at times seems to feel a bit better, but not sure it had much impact. Other symptoms still very present.

Am going to eliminate soy starting from later this week.

Other -

Ruled out hypoglycaemia - One of the first considerations since my issues come during physical activity. Thought it may be a blood sugar issue. My blood sugars were always within range. Even went out for a walk early morning, hadn't eaten since 6pm the day before, it was 8am, so 14hr fast. When I got back home after a walk, blood sugars within range, would often take 2-3 retests. The very occasional low result would be proven false after retests. Blood sugars would always return to normal in reasonable times after eating. 

Health Anxiety ruled out - I have at times taken holidays from work and using computers, so I wasn't researching or trying to figure out my symptoms at all for 1-2 weeks at a time, it made little difference to my mood, and my symptoms were present. Since physical exertion is the primary exacerbator, I'd say this is unlikely, especially since the symptoms started before I was even looking into the symptoms at all. I highly doubt this is the issue.

Am seeing a psychologist - Have had depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD symptoms for many years, plus other negative mental health symptoms. Have never been able to resolve them just manage them. Since my mental health symptoms are obviously worse now, I am still open to the possibility it's a psychosomatic issue, although I'm not convinced. Still, trying to improve my mental health cannot hurt, I will hopefully gain more insight into my issues with a Paid Psychologist, rather than a free NHS one, which in the past have been basically useless. 

Allergies - Trying to make my apartment less friendly for Dust Mites, Mold, bought an air purifier, will see how this impacts everything. 

Considerations for possible causes/issues - 

Adrenal fatigue - I suffer from some of the associated symptoms. Nothing I looked into as an answer really seems to be differing from what I am doing.

Nutrient deficiency - Still a possibility, although not entirely sure. Everything so far as come back either optimal or adequate range, except Omega 3 which Is why I'm getting the fatty acids etc test done.

Dietary Issue - Gut problem. This shouldn't be too difficult to test for as I eat similar things most days. I'm annoyed at myself a bit for not going through dietary elimination sooner. 

Long covid - Maybe, although if I did catch Covid, it wasn't symptomatic at least not to a noticeable degree. Some of my symptoms line up with Post Exertional Malaise, although I don't feel particularly fatigued, just mentally bad amongst other physical symptoms.

Cortisol Dysregulation/Nervous system issues/Mental health issues/Chronic stress - I haven't drank alcohol regularly or caffeine in years, but I have at times binged video games. I often am concerned about times in my life where I may have overstimulated myself. But the only thing is the only real answer to managing this seems to be stuff I'm already doing. My life isn't particularly stressful, there have been times I've not worked out as often, times where I've been less enthusiastic about meditation, times where I've allowed video games back into my life, but never have I allowed Allowed regular alcohol use, caffeine use, back into my life, and my diet has been healthy for a long time, I've never really slipped up on that. 

Potential bad reaction to supplementation - I have seen some people talk about b12 supplementation triggering symptoms, and the months leading up to my symptoms starting I supplemented Cyanocobalamin daily, which is something I'd never done before the months leading up to these issues. I've even found people with Adrenal issues talk about this specifically. I hate when people say "just take supplements", as if there are no downsides lol. Supplements are unnatural to the body, they could definitely have side effects. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/adrenalfatigue/comments/16e0szn/adrenal_fatigue_through_vit_b12_supplement/

https://www.reddit.com/r/adrenalfatigue/comments/16gyp1i/b12/

I'm very concerned about supplements and medications, I'd love a natural solution to all of this.

[ZenAlex]

Today I ordered the Active b12 and Cortisol Saliva test, will do them early next week, send em off same day, should get them back before end of next week.

Have just got my appointment with cardiology for my heart monitor. Will see what happens. It's concerning because the GP never said anything about it with the initial results, just said "minor irregularities but no real concern", but then when I was continuing to pester the GP, they said they'd send off the results to cardiology for review, and now I got a call from GP saying they'd like to do a 72 hour heart monitor. 

Makes you wonder if I'm going to have to get a full on health education to understand this whole thing myself because of how unconcerned the GP is at times. 

 

[ZenAlex]

I am concerned it's been 7 months without a resolution, but I am at least significantly self aware and know how to manage the symptoms for now so they don't overpower my day and I can enjoy a small amount of things. 

At times I recognise I have procrastinated a lot, which happens when it's all about study, contemplation and research, but when I figure out practical things to do I'm right on it. I wish this was as simple as having a room full of tasks and paperwork to do and the problem would be resolved right at the end of the endeavour, and I would be on it 16 hours a day.

I forgive myself because I've had days where I've been suicidal and just needing to rest, sleep and vent on suicide forums. 

But after weeks/months of spending many hours doing this I realise that I need to be fully dedicated to life, and realise that suicidal ideation/fantasy can just be a form of cope/relief. 

I am 100% committed to this, and this whole thing will hopefully be all worth it, especially when it comes to recognising the depths of my ADHD's impact on my ability to get shit done. 

[ZenAlex]

Oh, and I forgot to mention on my OP -

Symptoms I've had for several years but never were too debilitating -

• Low sex drive since I was a teenager. I've rarely to never really had the motivation to pursue a sexual partner.
• Over last 10 years, felt very irritable, more depressed/anxious after orgasm for about a week after. (On nofap for majority of last 8 years).
• Poor appetite - Lost a bunch of weight at one point, including lean muscle mass, because I was able to exercise well enough and had energy due to healthy foods, so assumed I was getting enough calories, but poor appetite must have deceived me. Started eating more medjool dates, nuts etc to boost calories, felt better, but poor appetite remains despite management.
• 9 years ago - Suddenly felt way more anhedonic, anxious for no reason, depressed, irritable, compulsive thinking habits. Managed, but has never fully resolved. 
• No interest in romantic partners, despite having opportunities. 
• Can social well enough but no real desire. 
• Very Limited satisfaction.
• Mental stimulation from technology has a prolonged after effect. I remember when I was chopping and changing lifestyle habits that playing just a few hours of video games would make my mind feel far less in present moment and far more ADHD/hyperactive for about a week after. After 1-2 weeks after from video games/tv/watching videos, my mind would feel considerably more present, although I feel like I have to avoid tech stimulation like the plague now to avoid it's negative impact on me. I only allow it occasionally when a big sporting event happens and I decide I just cannot miss it, and accept the negative after effect.

Edited April 10 by ZenAlex

[ZenAlex]

I'll research more on adrenal fatigue/issues tomorrow.

When I contemplate what lead up to all of this, in the months leading up to this, I played a lot of video games. I keep contemplating that I overstimulated myself during this period of time and triggered some sort of weird stress response. I always knew tech stimulation made me feel worse, but since I was away from it in the past for 6-12 months at a time, and didn't completely get better, just saw some improvement, and because I indulged for periods of time before and got back to the zen lifestyle, I didn't expect that it may impact me this way.

I have no idea if this temporary period of video game playing messed me up, but there were two things going on just before the symptoms started, that could be just coincidental or not 

1) Many hours of video game playing most days, although I did have a few days break at times between binges

2) I took the multi vitamin everyday for about 2 months.

The symptoms started a few weeks after ceasing video games and getting back out for hikes again on a daily basis.

I'm such an idiot. I've had inner peace to some degree in the palm of my hands and at times I've let it go. Probably because i had to go to extreme lengths to maintain it, and because of emotional flatness and the need to avoid stimulation to maintain wellbeing. 

I don't know if I should be highly self critical here or forgiving, because my symptoms have often been weird and no doctor/therapist can do much about it. 

[ZenAlex]

Update  -

Allergens -

In regards to mould/allergens, and air quality, my new air purifier came today, will set that up tomorrow. I weirdly look forward to cleaning every week now. I used to hike 9-3 on saturday and sunday and that would be my mental detox, now it is cleaning. It takes my mind a good half day after waking up before it consistently remains present, so the first half of the day needs to be outdoors or focused on practical tasks, rather than being mentally stimulated. I miss hiking. Anyway...

I also realised that I never cleaned my dishwasher filter and it was filthy. I gave it a good clean and disinfect and washed my dishwasher completely. Mould from that could definitely be impacting me. Ugh. 

Also noticed my apartments humidity is ranging from 58-80, so that may be causing increasing of allergens, will look into getting a dehumidifier, but not too many things at once to make sure I know what works. 

Adrenal

As I looked into adrenal fatigue I thought it could make sense but not sure what I could really do about it now tbh other than to continue to destress. Apart from related disorders like cushings and addisons disease, it's not really something that's easy to pinpoint or figure out if that is wrong with you.

Tests

I will take the saliva cortisol test on monday alongside my active b12 test to see if my b12 has gone up with dietary changes.

Part of me wants to just fuck it and do a 100mcg sublingual, but concerned about side effects. I may just take a 1000mcg one once a week and see what happens. If I instantly get better or worse then that may be the answer.

I know I could have done this much sooner, but I saw strategic value on holding off on it. 

It the absence of hiking I need something to bring me to the present for the first half of my day as that sets me up for zen for the rest of the day, and that is why I like to leave most of my cleaning/household chores for the weekend to calm my mind for the first half of the day.

Just saw my DAO histamine test will take 10-12 working days to come back unfortunately, as well as the fatty acids tests. Stay patient. 

At least will get my active b12 and saliva tests back by end of next week if I send them out monday. 

I also have the covid antibody one to do, need to give my fingers time to heal as did a few finger prick tests this week. 

Mental

Continuing to meditate daily, the internal negative scenarios arise far more powerfully since my new symptoms started. The more I walk and do things that exacerbate my symptoms, the worse the mental side of things gets. Walking triggers my depression/anxiety, so I have to keep to 30-45 minutes.

My psychologist is interesting to speak to. He's given me defusion techniques to try, which sometimes drag me out of the worst of my internal scenarios. Sometimes meditation isn't enough as ADHD makes staying present hard, so a more interactive technique is required.

But once one scenario is defused from another comes along in its place.

It's sometimes impossible to stop myself talking them outloud for extended periods of time.

I continue to see my family on sundays and go out to football when I can, as it's my only real social interactions now I'm off work. 

Work

Hopefully if I resolve this, I'll change jobs and maybe get a job as a cleaner since I found out I find it satisfying. I've always known technology stimulation can aggravate depression and anxiety, but right now physically demanding jobs are out of the question until I can resolve these issues. 

 

[ZenAlex]

I notice that talking to others over the phone and mental stimulation from computer work has an after effect also.

Physically demanding and mentally stimulating activities have an after effect. Seems like post exertional malaise, except not really fatigue, but other physical and mental symptoms. 

I often wonder if I've done enough or if I've procrastinated too much. Time is slipping by. I'm 32 now, the last few years have gone way too fast.

I've realised, though I gotta try and enjoy life while this is all going on, rather than waiting for these symptoms to go before living again. Just live around the symptoms the best I can. 

If I manage to get over this, I'll never take being physically capable for granted again. I hope recovery will make nature that much more beautiful and I will savour it.

It makes me feel bad that despite having nature and hiking at my disposal previous, at times I used a few months at a time to procrastinate and be lazy and play video games. 

I'm done with thinking about suicide for now, I need to give all of this 100% effort, although it's hard because of my mental health symptoms taking up large parts of my day.

I remember when I was hiking before, that despite it being enjoyable at times, the internal scenarios would take up about 50-60% of the hike from me.

Hopefully this recent suffering was a necessary part of my growth. At times I feel like people younger than me are my fucking seniors. 

[ZenAlex]

 

[ZenAlex]

The cortisol levels are rising bros. I don't know why. My life isn't stressful. Unexplained shit going on brahs. 

Asked GP to test SHBG also, they still have result yet to come back but again my testosterone is above range lol. 

[ZenAlex]

Feel like shit today. Have flashing lights in eyes, mild migraine, first one I've had in years. Disturbed sleep. 

Getting weird feelings and tastes.

Will continue to de-allergise my property over the weekend.

Will send of the lasts of my tests and await results of others. 

I will risk it and take a high strength b12 supplement next week and see if that makes a difference, although worried about side effects. 

I'm getting sick of not getting an answer for these issues. 

Am I weak?

None-existence is sometimes very appealing. 

 

[ZenAlex]

Have sent off another active b12 test. Should get it back by end of the week, and will see if dietary changes have made any difference to it. If not, will probably start taking b12 supplement. 

My sister and mother did b12 tests and there's are lower than mine, despite not being vegan. Makes me think there's an issues in my genetics potentially.

 

[ZenAlex]

So now just awaiting active b12 test, DAO test, fatty acids test. 

Doing the 4 point cortisol saliva test today. Will do the covid anti body test this week.

After this I think I'm done with tests.

I will take the risk of side effects and start taking a 500mcg sublingual b12 methylcobalamin and see what happens. Will just one, leave it a few days, and then take another. 

I will print off my b12 results because I need to go to a doctor and argue b12 deficiency, I dont' want them testing me again with elevated levels after supplementation saying the higher levels disprove deficiency. 

But then again I don't know if it is a b12 deficiency or not. 

I know recovery is not linear but when you cannot see change happening gradually, it's difficult to know if what you're doing is having much effect. 

I'm not doing much with my days, but I'm getting a bit tired of searching for answers. If all the stuff mentioned here doesn't work, then I'll hanging around for 2-3 months or so for stuff to start kicking in, such as supplementation, waiting for my echo heart scans etc, and if none of it comes back with anything...

Then I suppose I can consider the possibility this is just a fucking up weird stress response happening in my body that may not get better and will just diminish my quality of life and I may  just have to live with it? 

If that's the case then it's a choice of committing to life or committing to death. I wont take a middle ground. 

[ZenAlex]

It's hard not to feel apathetic. 

The anhedonia spells, low motivation, wont go back to video games/tv because that just leads to stagnation and not much enjoyment, not much give me that much enjoyment anymore, but I'll hold on. 

I feel like I've procastinated a lot and haven't got much done but that's easy to do when you have no diagnosis and don't know what exact is causing all of this.

I feel guilty and ungrateful for life, but I forgive myself due to the complexity of my symptoms and how at times over the years my symptoms have come randomly. 

[ZenAlex]

I can't enjoy a lot of the things I used to

I have low motivation/apathy

I cannot exercise because of this, so I'm trapped, my ability to take satisfaction from things is extremely limited

I've had emotional numbness, depression, anxiety for many years, but I had it under control and could take a decent amount of satisfaction if i stuck to my routine, now I have that on top of the inability to get outdoors and hike and exercise frequently.

I don't feel like i'm in excruciating pain, I try to be grateful but being in moderate discomfort all the time with minor enjoyment is not a good quality of life.

I know people out there are going through so much horrible shit which makes my problems look minimal in comparison.

I just wish I knew what was the cause of this. And sometimes it's just waiting for tests to come back and in meantime you're just meditating.

It's difficult to know what else to do but day to day tasks and shit. I feel I should be using this time productively but if very little satisfies you then what am I being productive towards besides trying to resolve these symptoms? 

I don't drink, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, eat healthy, track my nutrition, I did exercise but cannot, I've given up video games and tv for long periods of time, I meditate, I'm doing therapy which I'm paying hundreds for my long lasting psychological symptoms, but It feels like the defusion techniques are only mildly effective, the inner arguments keep coming and coming. My psychologist said he was gonna send me more things to reflect on but hasn't.

I feel like I have done alot, but since the symptoms have been here for 7 months, is this really a good end result and effort for 7 months? Not sure. So much procastination and wanting to be comfortable. 

I feel like I'd want to look back on all of this as worth it and say that I learned something but I don't think I have.

There's no solution anyone has offered, nothing I've discovered recently that is a "aha" moment. It's just speculation on what it could be. 

I am not strong, it's not excruciating, just dulling. I call myself lazy and then challenge that by realising if I knew what I needed to do to get better, I'd be doing it, but I don't, I'm just searching for answers. 

[ZenAlex]

My mind, even before these most recent symptoms, has proven itself a real cluster fuck of different symptoms. Depression/apathy, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and maybe even Autism. A lack of desire for any relationship with others, never really enjoying people's company that much or connecting to others. 

For 10 years whenever I ejaculate I feel irritable, depressed etc after. No anaemia, auto immune, thyroid issues evident. 

Neurodivergence + Mental illness/something weird with my brain chemistry in some other way. At times it's felt normal but I can tell it's not. 

Ah, what am I even doing here, is this even achieving anything?

I was in a decent spot before these more recent symptoms. I was dull but I could find breaks in the storms. 

 

[ZenAlex]

Despite eating animal products etc more often, b12 still quite low on normal.

Will likely start supplementing 500mcg sublingual b12 soon, just nervous about side effects. Talking to people in b12 communities now about how to prepare. Part of me is nervous about this being the issue, but I hope I've finally figured this out and hopefully this may have been the reason for unexplained depression/anxiety for many years and I will recover and maybe finally get back to what i was a long time ago. 

 

[ZenAlex]

Fuck it. 

Took the 500mcg sublingual. Lets see what happens.

Not sure if I'm just a coward or just very methodical. We'll see.

[ZenAlex]

I have often struggled with internal arguments. Imaginary arguments in my mind which have been present in me for 10 years. I have managed them but they have taken up hours of my day everyday for years and have been exacerbated by my recent issues.

I am addressing them with a psychologist.

I have often tried to figure out if they are a manifestation of social issues and social isolation, but prolonged periods of time around people, even in a positive way, doesn't really seem to make a difference.

I wonder if the characters are a manifestation of my inner critic, and I am arguing against it. I wonder if the OCD is amplifying it as it leads to me talking the arguments outloud for hours sometimes. OCD + ADHD + internal arguments.

I really hope I'm able to recover from all of this. 

Sometimes I feel so ungrateful for the life I have, and cringe at the amount of time that's been taken up by these issues. I always wonder if I could have done more, but I forgive myself but the symptoms themselves required so much management and there was no clear answer.

I will see this as a lesson. One thing I've learned is trying to strive to be too comfortable can hinder progress. 

 

Edited April 17 by ZenAlex

[ZenAlex]

52 minutes ago, ZenAlex said:

Fuck it. 

Took the 500mcg sublingual. Lets see what happens.

Not sure if I'm just a coward or just very methodical. We'll see.

Nothing bad happened. 

Part of me disappointment it didn't make me feel different immediately, but we'll keep taking it and see what happens.

I really hope this is the answer.

I have been more appreciative of the little things in life for a while now, but will hopefully be more so.

Part of me thinks I don't deserve a good life because I haven't suffered nearly as bad as others. I've had things quite comfortable at times. 

[ZenAlex]

Part of me a tad disappointed that I didn't see immediate impact of b12 supplement, sometimes I feel ok but sometimes irritable and racing thoughts.

I'm practicing self compassion now. 

I really hope this is resolvable, because I cannot spend the rest of my life without exercise.

Hopefully other tests come back with answers. 

If everything else fails, then death is available as an option.