HELP! I have urges to cheat.

[Ampresus]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 14 months now, but the last few months have been difficult for me. I keep getting urges to text, snapchat and flirt with other girls. It started with going on dating apps and getting matches that way, but now even in real life I've gotten numbers from girls through regular flirting. My girlfriend and I have traveled together, live together in my mom's house and both go to school/work/gym. We have so much in common, we've been together for so long, yet I keep getting these urges to see other people and I don't know why. No one has cheated or abused the other, hence why I'm asking you guys for help.

Obviously I know that whatever I'm doing so far is bad, but I don't want it to get worse. I still care for her and wished I felt the same way about her as I did just a couple months ago. But we have argued a lot about various things and my resentment for her has grown. The thing is though: she does nothing inherently wrong. She's no abuser or straight up mess. It's just that her small behaviors annoy me and I know if I confront her about it we'll be fighting again. I guess I feel like she doesn't validate my feelings. Things like cutting me off while I'm talking, purposefully leaving a mess on my side of the bed or table, being ungrateful when I pick her up from work but at the same time expecting me to always be grateful for her. Her impatience and complaints, just in general not necessarily towards me, make me resent her. These small things make her less desirable to me sexually and as a result we don't have nearly as much sex as we used to. I feel like I'm heading towards a train-wreck.

Yes I could just break up with her, but she is truly a one of a kind girl. I do love her. I don't want a relationship this strong to end. I helped her lose weight and got her into the gym. We have been overseas together. Her family loves me, mine loves her. Besides, I'd have to live with her for the foreseeable future since she can't just move out tomorrow. Her family doesn't live in this country, so she'll have to find a new place to rent all by herself.

[Leo Gura]

The stuff you resent her about, you should communicate with her about that to try to clear that bad air. All relationships require communucation and clearing bad air.

If the communications keeps failing then you can break up with her. But first try to communicate.

And if you decide to cheat, just break up with her first. This will be much better for both of you.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

You need to set boundaries 

[Yimpa]

I personally let my partner know if I have feeling for other people. It is an uncomfortable discussion, but ultimately it does bring clarity and understanding.

[Leo Gura]

39 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I personally let my partner know if I have feeling for other people.

That's not something you should be telling your girl. You're gonna make her insecure and doubtful. She doesn't need to know about your every dirty urge and thought.

Porn is also very helpful for satisfying your urges in a healthy way. You guys are too negative on porn in that sense. No girl will ever satisfy all your urges. Learn how to take care of yourself without harming her.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Leo Gura

[Yimpa]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Porn is also very helpful for satisfying your urges in a healthy way. You guys are too negative on porn in that sense.

The irony is I did view porn this morning and am very open about it now! My partner isn’t bothered by my porn usage anymore now that we communicate about it honestly. I don’t deny the pleasure I receive from porn anymore since I understand that it serves a specific function. 

Denying sexuality is denying God!

[Someone here]

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Porn is also very helpful for satisfying your urges in a healthy way. You guys are too negative on porn in that sense

Lolz 

Porn can be very toxic.  I can't believe that you are pro-porn. You must know better.  Dude I've seen some pretty disgusting fucked stuff that you must be joking that porn is "healthy ".

Plus you are hypocritical leo .. why did  you lock a thread of mine about "who's your favourite female pornstar "? If porn is no biggy?

Pffff!

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1S03yRaJwc

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

[Yimpa]

6 minutes ago, Raze said:

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

Taking relationship advice from an enlightenment teacher is silly.

But then again, I’ve also taken relationship advice from AI before, so who am I to judge? 

Claude 3 Opus did admit that it’s not an expert, though. At least it’s self-aware!

Quote

These are just my thoughts based on relationship advice I've come across, but I'm certainly no expert. At the end of the day, you and your partner will have to communicate honestly to figure out what works for your relationship. I wish you both all the best in navigating this together.

 

Edited April 9, 2024 by Yimpa

[mmKay]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

The stuff you resent her about, you should communicate with her about that to try to clear that bad air. 

I didn't even know the concept of bad air. Pretty cool to put a label on it that situation 

Plowing ChatGPT on " bad air" is gold

Maybe release a conscious relationships vid for the big comeback :0

Edited April 9, 2024 by mmKay

[Yimpa]

14 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Porn can be very toxic. 

Of course it can. But so can an intimate relationship. 
But it also doesn’t have to be.

Let’s stop looking at porn as the issue or women as the issue. We are better than that here.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Yimpa

[Someone here]

27 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Of course it can. But so can an intimate relationship. 
But it also doesn’t have to be.

Let’s stop looking at porn as the issue or women as the issue. We are better than that here.

Porn is not the issue.  But it is an issue .if you can't see that you're fooling yourself.

[Leo Gura]

42 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Porn can be very toxic. 

Key word there is CAN.

Cheating on your girlfriend is far more toxic.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Leo Gura

[Someone here]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Key word there is CAN.

Cheating on your girlfriend is far more toxic.

90% of the time . I have some ethical points against this industry. objectification of women and ruining how males relate to women sexually . 

Brother ..there have been scientific research done that porn causes physical damage in the brain. Also Social Anxiety. Depression. Erectile dysfunction.etc you can Google it I'm not pulling it out of my asshole .

Those are just the beginning. If you are in a committed relationship with another person.. you can do a lot of damage. My Ex experienced massive betrayal and severe depression as well and that's why I lost her . Because she caught watching porno.

 

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, Someone here said:

porn causes physical damage in the brain. Also Social Anxiety. Depression. Erectile dysfunction.etc

Nonsense.

That may be true for some people who abuse it, but not everyone.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Leo Gura

[Leo Gura]

6 minutes ago, Someone here said:

My Ex experienced massive betrayal and severe depression as well and that's why I lost her . Because she caught watching porno

Lol

[Someone here]

@Leo Gura you are not taking me seriously.  You don't address all of my points .so I'll leave here .

[Felliks]

Wow, @Ampresus, I'm in the exact same situation. 11 months, best relationship ever, urges continue to grow, and I love approaching.

Here are my good 2 cents:

You never had urges to cheat, you have urges to hook up with other girls. We are sexual and especially if you are on this forum you are more open to feel suppressed urges.

It is desirable to have them. Imagine if you didn't, how many complexes would your genes have? I know some guys who don't even look in the direction of other women when they are in a relationship. Admiration, and confusion from my part, so no judgement here bro.

Second, if your girl isn't perfect, and you aren't 100% sure you will be with her and only her for the rest of your life (which, by your definition, is how it is) it is, again, completely normal to want to have options.

So, we have options + desire. The only thing stopping procreation is your consciousness right now, and your prefrontal cortex. Kudos for you for posting this here instead of going behind her back.

 

What I know is I lose all desire when I see her, and letting go of my eggshell behavior next to her allowed me to be more fluent, and somewhat more satisfied. Other than that, can't help, just bonkers I had the same exact thought a few minutes before seeing this post.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Felliks

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

@Leo Gura you are not taking me seriously.  You don't address all of my points .so I'll leave here .

I do not take the no-porn movement seriously. You are over-playing your hand.

But I acknowledge that if you get addicted to it then it's good to quit.

Edited April 9, 2024 by Leo Gura

[Someone here]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

But I acknowledge that if you get addicted to it then it's good to quit.

That's fair .👍