Am I too weak for life?

[meta_male]

After severe episodes of panic attacks I am now suicidal, last weekend I went to the forest with my gun, but couldn't pull through. The past decade have been a big struggle, only to barely stay alive. There's no hope of life ever getting better. I have no family to turn to. I need help but don't know how to get it, I feel paralyzed but can barely acces my brain.

[ZenAlex]

Sorry to hear you're suffering my friend.

You're suffering with horrible panic attacks, you've survived a year of difficult time, so you're not weak.

I myself I have had suicidal ideation over the last 6 months. 

If you've not been happy for a long time it can be difficult to find a way out.

May I ask what you've done to try and get better? Do you really believe you've exhausted all of your options.

[Schizophonia]

That's right, you're too weak, because you're probably alone. Social isolation is directly stressful and acts as an epigenetic message that tells you that you are in a catastrophic situation, no matter how "introverted" you may declare yourself to be. You can't survive alone in the wild, so you find yourself in survival mode and you want to ruminate, to be small, you expect disappointing situations...

You're decent dude, put your photo back. 
Even if you weren't, it doesn't matter, you could have saved a few thousand euros to spend on cosmetic surgery and regain the beauty of a homo sapiens before the grain diet made us weak and ill. developed. There is always a solution.
It's even easier to work with.

Also, cut off the internet to exhaust the negative energy supply and cut the rumination loop.
Then fill the vase by watching "coaches" with positive energy, you become the 5 people you meet the most.
Leo doesn't have a very sunny energy, it's more of a cold energy that we usually find curiously in boring conservatives lol, but it's always productive.
I also like Markus Rothkranz, even if he's already more elevated.
But also of course find more friends, if possible.

Chill

Edited April 5 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

For panic attacks you need to see a psychiatrist.
I think Buspirone is not bad for that, or certain antihypertensives like clonidine, gabapentinoids (safer than benzodiazepines), tricyclics...

[meta_male]

57 minutes ago, ZenAlex said:

May I ask what you've done to try and get better? Do you really believe you've exhausted all of your options.

I keep exhausting all options available, money becomes a big problem now. I've been doing IFS therapy for a year. I always end up in situations I gotta get myself out again. I was raised in a cult similar to JW, 7 years ago I got out, always gotta go against everyone around me, nobody can relate. Now found out I have Asperger's, nobody gets that either. I'm building social circles, they fall apart. I'm building relationships, they fall apart and I end up a mess, then come months of building myself up again. Nobody seems to go through crises in real life, I'm always the odd one out. I can't relate to anyone.

47 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

You can't survive alone in the wild, so you find yourself in survival mode and you want to ruminate, to be small, you expect disappointing situations...

I am working my ass off to be social and I am, but what for? I can't relate to anyone, I've been in so many different social settings and groups, I'm open minded af but it's like I'm born on the wrong planet. Still, I keep being social, it's just not doing anything for me it seems. Also people around me get depressed when I start being open to them, they don't wanna hear it. When I think back the past ten years I've been happy 2-3 times for a max. of two weeks, the rest is just depression always looming in the background.

52 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

You're decent dude, put your photo back. 

Thanks man but it's like I can't show myself to the world rn, my confidence left me once again. I keep building it up then depression sneaks back in, always one level worse than before. My looks aren't the problem really.

55 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

For panic attacks you need to see a psychiatrist.

Yeah I'm trying to get to see one. I spent all fucking morning just to get an appointment at my doctor's. It's like my life is on advanced mode whatever I'm trying to achieve, even if it's just getting something as small as an appointment, it's so not worth it.

[Ulax]

Have you worked with Shinzen young's see-hear-feel meditation techniques?

[Princess Arabia]

2 hours ago, meta_male said:

Thanks man but it's like I can't show myself to the world rn, my confidence left me once again.

It's funny because you took your pic down and say you can't show yourself to the world. Your confidence left you once again. No sense in me going through the who is owning the confidence and who can't show themselves to the world or who this and why that and all that. But I will say none of that matters because it's just it. No matter what. I won't even try to give you comforting words and try to make you feel better or worse. Just wanted to chime in to say, it won't matter its just what it is. 

Nothing typed here makes a difference. Nothing said there makes a difference, the only difference is how I feel saying it and it feels horrible.

Edited April 5 by Princess Arabia

[meta_male]

@Ulax No, I'll look it up, thanks bro.

@Princess Arabia I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you try to rephrase?

[Princess Arabia]

49 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Ulax No, I'll look it up, thanks bro.

@Princess Arabia I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you try to rephrase?

I was just saying, that my instincts kicked in to try to comfort you and tell you comforting words but then I realized that it wouldn't have mattered because it is what it is, Even me not doing that was what it was. I usually would respond to these kinds of posts with empathy but it's not about the empathy but more of what is, empathy or not. Let the thoughts be and don't engage, just see them passing, sounds woo woo but that contracted I energy is what's doing it not you per se. You're just believing in it. Just keep going about your business, let the "I want to end it thoughts be', don't try to stop them or feel good or bad about them. Just let them be, they are dead. You give them life if you focus on them. They won't go away but they will lessen and lessen.

Edited April 5 by Princess Arabia

[k-ahmadzadeh]

@meta_male I wish you health and healing brother!

It is unimaginably hard, and I even can't find anything to say.

Let me mention that I frequently fall into the depression and sometimes suicide seems very attractive option to me. In such times, I try to practice acceptance that everything is fucked up with my life, and then I remind myself that 'this is the situation that I don't have anything to lose, so why not to try again? why not to try to improve and to see what happens just for the sake of curiosity? given the fact that death will come to me one day, then why accelerate it?'

Maybe this can work a bit for you. 

[Yimpa]

10 hours ago, meta_male said:

Yeah I'm trying to get to see one. I spent all fucking morning just to get an appointment at my doctor's. It's like my life is on advanced mode whatever I'm trying to achieve, even if it's just getting something as small as an appointment, it's so not worth it.

Patience, friend! You are taking the proper steps. Please don’t hesitate to tell them that your situation is overwhelming; they may be able to expedite your request or give you extra support and referrals. 

[Ulax]

12 hours ago, meta_male said:

@Ulax No, I'll look it up, thanks bro.

You're welcome mate.

Also, it might be helpful for you to start each noting cycle by internally saying 'I love you' towards the chosen sensory experience. In that way you also build a loving attitude towards all experience. (I get this might not make sense until you get an understanding of shinzen young's mindfulness system)

[Basman]

Get rid of your gun. People kill themselves on impulse so having a loaded gun is very dangerous if your suicidal.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

That’s what unprocessed trauma can look like. 
Statements like “be with what is” “ it’s just what it is” are very dangerous spiritual bypasses in order to not see what is deeply buried in our body. 
Do trauma work, see how it produces the suffering on the surface.

All the best my friend I know how scary and dark it seems, but going to the core is what will set us free 

[Raze]

get ifs therapy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvv0deljPEY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4VohoFTz5w

 

[BlueOak]

If it helps to relate:

I am constantly broke and struggle all the time, this week was hard to get food.

My depression is about 3/10 these days, sometimes raised momentarily, but mostly that's where it sits. It took work on myself to get there, but it is possible, it used to be around a 7 or 8.

One of my best friends had Aspergers, I miss her. She was brutally honest, and I came from a family of manipulators so she was who I needed in my life. She called me on my BS all the time, a bit demanding on my time, but time well spent, as I often say. So you will find people, especially from abused home environments, that love the honesty you bring, and you'll give them an opinion with much less hidden filter or manipulation on top of it.

To get someone who wants to listen to your depression, and connect in a meaningful way you need to invest time with them. In decades past, forum writing communities were good for this, and writing generally can help get out some of the depression you are feeling. Live it through a character, literally kill off the representations of what causes you pain. I've also found that the friends I made there through the years, listened to me write these things out, so speaking about it to them was natural. You may have another medium that suits you, like music to express it, but seek out a means of expression.

For people. It's got to be give and take, so you listen to others, help them, and be there for them. When you take yourself out of the equation, it gives you a break from thinking and being depressed about your own life. It's a nice relief, and it's available at any moment of the day. There are a million people like you who need help. It doesn't solve all your issues, but if you are like I was, that's comfort food from your problems for a short time.

So how did I heal myself: Writing as I say, eventually I reached writing about duality, and that brought me to spirituality.

I got honest with myself and the people around me.
Sevan Bomar got my head straight.
Teal Swan got my heart in the right place.
I focused on others when I could, and I valued the friends I made during the process.

You might find different teachers work for you.

I had plenty of abuse. Life isn't roses for me now. Far from it, but I am also not thinking about ending it every week, if you can relate. That only happens once every six months or so, which is a vast improvement. You can get there too.

https://www.youtube.com/@TealSwanOfficial/search?query=parts work

I suggest you start with parts work and do what I did in reverse. Putting yourself back together, which is something we are all doing, all the time. The more complete you get, the better your life will be and the less pain you'll feel.

Then, when you are in a stable state, checkout:

https://www.youtube.com/@wholeness/videos

Edited April 8 by BlueOak

[NoSelfSelf]

Ive been there paralyzed, panick attacks for years just stuck it seems like at the mercy of your psyche not being able to do anything but wait, it gets better ofcourse, with work, the strongest ones have -1000 steps to get to the 0 step to go up! nobody will understand this because they dont know how brutal psyche can get.Then you just climb.

Hesitant to post this because its brutal(dont watch if sensitive) but it really describes what you saying .

Lyrics they take good care of not take care of you im unexplainable one! 

If you want to talk im always free i swam that current maybe i know something to help..

 

Edited April 8 by NoSelfSelf

[ExplorerMystic]

@meta_male  How are you doing? Just ignore the judgmental comments and focus on those that are helpful. Above, you'll find some of the best insights from people who have gone through or are currently experiencing the same situation you're in. Keep engaging with people in forums and in the real world (the helpful ones).

 

[BlueOak]

Also, it occurred to me to say what Explorermystic did above, if you want to talk about some of your experiences here, I'm happy to listen, as are some of the others. For me I could only do that after I was over the shame or my protective personality let other people in. When I started talking publicly about my abuse, it became easier. I stopped making excuses for it, but I still battle with that from time to time, because I always think, well it wasn't as bad as some people, or do I need to run those emotions again? We run games in our heads to survive and there is nothing wrong with that either at the time, but overall, I found it healing to just say what happened, and eventually post some of that publicly. It got easier each time I wrote about it and the emotions I'd attached to it gradually eased. 

Most people aren't equipped to help you, but you'll find some of us here have had experiences that relate to yours, or communities dedicated to surviving abuse out there are full of people who talk about this all day. @meta_male
 

Edited April 9 by BlueOak

[meta_male]

Thank you every single one of you for your insights and especially to those offering to talk, I was really moved by all your posts 🙏

I'm now off work due to burnout and depression, at least two weeks, maybe longer. Finances are still a big problem but at least I got the time to plan the next steps right now. Also, my doctor gave me meds and is trying to find a licensed therapist for me but it will take a while cause they got long waiting lists. For now I got my IFS practitioner and a couple friends to talk. It really feels like I'm at level -1000, it's hard to just get to level 0, meditation flies out the window when you're at the mercy of fear @NoSelfSelf.