This!

[Princess Arabia]

This is nothing to do with anything. This Journal has no motive nor an agenda. It's just writing. There's no purpose for it but it's still happening. Not by me because there's no me. Not that I don't have a sense of writing this, but feeling is just happening, but not by me. I never said when I was 2 or 3 years old that I am feeling a me inside or I didn't say to myself oh here I am, this is me, or I will make myself feel a me it just happened. 

If I want a glass of water I say to myself, I'm thirsty, I want some water. I didn't have to do anything there, it just happened. When I get up to go pour myself a glass of water, I don't say to myself, how am I going to do this? How am I going to get up, walk and place my hand on the glass and pour it in my mouth. It just happens. Even if I want to be cute and test it out and have a monolog skit and prank myself and say, I'm going to say I'm getting up and i am walking and I will place my hand on this glass and drink and act as if I'm teaching myself the process like a fool, that will still just be happening. No matter what I say, do, whether I say there's no me or there's a me or there's no mention of a me or no me, that would still be what happened. There's no escaping what happens. 

What happens is Reality. Not what I thought happened, not what I wish happened, not what I hope to happen, not what I think about what happened, not what I didn't want to happen, not my stories about why it happened and neither my analysis of what happened but what actually happens. 

The mind-fuck, though, is that nothing really happens. How? Because if what is happening is the only reality and now I'm saying that reality is what happens then how did my drinking of the water yesterday not reality now. If my writing of this is reality and tomorrow it will be a memory how did reality change into a memory. If I say well, that was reality but not anymore and what i'm doing now is the real reality than from which moment do i consider it to be reality. Is it the moment when I started this sentence or is it errrr...now....errr, is this my new reality or does it continue till the sentence finishes. Reality is tricky. What is the present moment. Is it errr....now...errr, or is it errr...now errr. Is it the presence inside me? Is that the present, but I already said there's no me. Is it the presence in my body, what part, the brain, the mind, where is this presence. Ok so it doesn't have a location, so how is it called presence.  Where is it.

Ok, let's say there's a me a person, where am I. Ok, I'm here. Where. Sitting on the couch. I see a foot, and a hand and a stomach and a toe. Is that me. What about the back of my head, my heart, my lungs. Ok I can feel the back of my head, but I can't feel my lungs. Ok I can feel where the lungs are located, but why can't I see it. What are my eyes. I can't see them, but I can see through them, is that me. So I'm using me to see me. Why can't I see all of me and why can't I see my eyes. Don't ask why, just accept it that that's me, this is me, I am me. I'm a lot of things. I'm the eye. Ok the eye is me. The foot is me. The body is me but I can only see part of me. Hmmm. Why can I see parts of you that I can't see of myself. I can't see the back of my own head without a mirror, but I can see yours. Thats not fair. I only get to see my kidney if I do surgery and ask to see it before the transplant, that's not fair.

Ok, I will say there's a me, no, I change my mind, there's no me, sike, there's a me, no me, a me, no me, me, no me, me, no, me, me, me. There's a me, I'm still writing, there's no me, I'm still writing. Didn't make a difference. Now, is that no difference because there's really a me or there's really a no me, or it didn't matter because they were just words. Does it matter what I say in this regard. No because writing is still happening. Does it matter if I say to someone there's a me VS there's no me. Maybe, maybe not. They will react. Thats the only difference, how they react. Does it matter if I fill out a job interview and say to the lady there's no me but I'll write my name and pretend there's a me. Yeah, I might not get the job she might think I'm a looney. The difference is how she reacts. Wait.,.so the difference with me saying I'm a me VS saying there's no me is how others react. Ok. Interesting. How will I act if I tell myself there's no me, I guess I'll act invisible, or act as someone else, or go beserk, or someone shrugs and call me an idiot and I get mad. 

If I'm looking at a tree and i'm looking at my foot, I'm perceiving a tree with vision and my foot with vision. Same with a car, a house or a frog. If I'm looking at my hand same thing. Is the tree me, no. Is the foot me, yes. So I can perceive a tree and my foot with the same act of looking. Everything that I perceive except for what is not my body isn't me. As soon as I perceive a part of my body its me. The same act of looking. Why isn't the tree me. Because me is looking at the tree. Why is the foot me, because me is looking at the foot. Hold up. So if I'm smelling a tree that's not me, is that a different sense I'm using. Ok I look at a tree that's not me and a foot that's me and i smell a tree that's not me and smell a foot that's me. Looking and smelling are two acts that uses different senses. The tree isn't me but the foot is me even though it's the eyes that perceive both. So I guess the eyes can perceive itself since the foot is me and the eyes is me. Ok so the foot is not me but a part of me. So where is me. Ok, the foot is mine. Mine who. Who is the mine. Ok that's enough of that. Me is driving me crazy. 

So maybe it's just perception happening. Happening by no one. I can't really see how I can perceive parts of the body and not other parts and I can't see how I can perceive something that's not me and perceive something that's me using the same mode to do the perceiving. Is the tree perceiving me back. Is the tree looking back at me. They say the Universe is like a mirror, so if I'm looking at a tree the tree should be looking back. Wait, they say I'm projecting the tree from my consciousness. So, my consciousness is a projector that means I'm not consciousness. Ok I am consciousness projecting a tree from my own consciousness. Isn't this fun. I could write all night. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 4 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

I don't even feel like doing this journal anymore. Its like the only thing i don't feel like doing. Nothing else came to mind. It just seems........aha, pointless. Thats funny because that's what I said in the beginning, no point, no agenda but now I'm saying its pointless. Why I'm saying it now though, not that its useless or just so ordinary or anything negative, but it's like talking about sex instead of just doing it. Talking about the goddam food instead of just eating it. 

I think I will keep it. I think I will keep writing about it. Its weird cause I don't want to but I do. Its like both at the same time. Instead of saying I want to or don't want to, ill just leave it be, for no reason. Just for the fun of it. Now I really want to keep it because earlier it felt as if - or i should say it feels now as if my reason for not wanting to keep this journal earlier had purpose. Now it doesn't even matter. I don't even think I'm deciding. This is just playing games now. Keep it don't keep it keep it don't keep it. I see what its doing. I'm laughing now because i see what its doing. Its me and its not me. 

Doesn't matter it is what it is. 

[Princess Arabia]

 

[Princess Arabia]

 

[Sucuk Ekmek]

Okay,  I take over.

Sweet meditation.

I don't like walking. I don't like buying new shoes. I think people who  watch tv should die. I might get some tea. I think I should use less I. 

Look

I don't like the shape of I. Not that I. The symbol one. It's actually one limited line or motion. If you look at this '' I '' you will see it's in motion, try to type it down and you will see it's ever changing. Doesn'T matter digital or analog or biological  it's the same change.

Language is fun. We pretend to understand eachother.

Language is sad. Maybe we understand eachother.

Time to get some tea. I am not gonna write all night.

This!