Struggling with Self-Acceptance

[MarkKol]

Every time I try to do it, I look at something I'm not as good at or some domain where I feel like I'm lagging behind, I give it a shot and try to accept myself as is, and to some degree I do but a new argument always arises in my mind, something along the lines of "It's a dog-eat-dog world" or "I will be judged by what I'm made of no matter how I feel about myself" or "People don't care about my self-acceptance" or even something like "The fact that I have to accept myself or offer myself pity or support, shows me I'm weak". These are the same thoughts I had in the shower earlier today. I feel like it doesn't matter how much self-acceptance I have for myself, the world is a cruel place and it doesn't care about my self-acceptance, I'm like a Buddhist monk in a war, I'll get shot no matter how I feel about myself.

I feel like I've had these feelings under a blanket for a long time, trying to act tough to suppress them.

Any thoughts?

Edited April 1 by MarkKol

[Thought Art]

Check out the book “The Self Talk Solution” 

[Yousif]

14 minutes ago, MarkKol said:

Every time I try to do it, I look at something I'm not as good at or some domain where I feel like I'm lagging behind, I give it a shot and try to accept myself as is, and to some degree I do but a new argument always arises in my mind, something along the lines of "It's a dog-eat-dog world" or "I will be judged by what I'm made of no matter how I feel about myself" or "People don't care about my self-acceptance" or even something like "The fact that I have to accept myself or offer myself pity or support, shows me I'm weak". These are the same thoughts I had in the shower earlier today. I feel like it doesn't matter how much self-acceptance I have for myself, the world is a cruel place and it doesn't care about my self-acceptance, I'm like a Buddhist monk in a war, I'll get shot no matter how I feel about myself.

I feel like I've had these feelings under a blanket for a long time, trying to act tough to suppress them.

Any thoughts?

You gotta accept not accepting yourself and the world can be cruel but it also is beautiful.

[Princess Arabia]

That's because there is no self. It's an illusion. There's nothing to accept or not accept. Try all you want, it won't happen. The thoughts you're having is also the same thing the apparent self is - no-thing appearing as something. The mind is trying to stop the mind from being the mind. All illusory. A dog chasing it's tail - apparently.

[Ahbapx]

Static self-acceptance is a myth.

A dynamic self-acceptance embraces holistic imperfection and dynamic self-improvement.

You don't want to be you as fixed, for eternity, you want to change, but you don't want to change too much.

 

Focus on holistic concepts ;

Perfect imperfection

Easy to understand I assume

Controlled Chaos

Be spontaneous but with a cautious mind to control

Chaotic Order

Plan but don't worship your plans as if they are facts

Pre-Determined Will

Understand your inclinations for good is pre-determined

Detached Attachment

Love, and chase things,  but don't cling if it is time to quit

 

You might think these are oxymoronic. That is far from the truth , you will understand if you think very deep into them.

[jimwell]

17 hours ago, MarkKol said:

I feel like it doesn't matter how much self-acceptance I have for myself, the world is a cruel place and it doesn't care about my self-acceptance,

The point of self-acceptance is to serve you, not the world. Who gives a fuck if the world doesn't accept you, as long as you accept yourself? As long as you have your basic survival needs met, you're ok.

Another truth I must proclaim here is the world does respond in alignment with how you feel and view yourself. When I developed high self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-respect, the world started to show me love, acceptance, and respect. But paradoxically, the world's love, acceptance, and respect for me has offered me little value, exactly because I have high self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-respect. My cup is already full; I don't need the world to fill it.  

[Norbert Somogyi]

Sounds like you may benefit a lot from IFS Therapy.

Regarding the way you view your self-acceptance (as some kind of accomplishment or trophy you could use to get validation from the external world) seems to be a rather big obstacle. In my mind the more you accept yourself the less validation you tend to seek from the outside. The strength and the light start to shine from within.

[NoSelfSelf]

I know how this  because i went through it its like living hell basically,no matter how good you become you always think, okay but there is another level,i still suck so there is always inner conflict when you dont accept yourself.Expecially through sports tilting and seeing how bad i am comparing to someone great.

Root cause: it all comes from you defining yourself through the level of success that its placed upon you,definig yourself with your salary,with anything outside of you that is placed by society instead you placing your owb standard(which im sure you havent placed its placed for you so if there is a standard that is way up there for you and for someone else is easy you will hate yourself).That creates that boogyman belief im not good enough. Only if you are some type of genius you wont "fail"ever,so self assesment is crucial here to see hey im not on a level that i think i am,mind loves to think of itself that is way higher than it is,so there is also comparing yourself now with ideal self whit that expectation to be ideal self comes self hate and self definition.

Thats why there is huge fear of rejection because being rejected by a woman is defining me as being less of a man.(what a bs,nobody holds this power but me)

There is so much layers to this cant just write it all here, there is also your mind afterwards pointing out the things you did.

For example today i fumbled with one social interaction immidietly mind gets into attack but since im not defining myself by the standards of how i should be im good ill do it next time,i am where i am right now.

Thats like you right now cant lift 200kg instead of seeing where you are and where you need to go without like saying im pathetic i can only lift 50kg.

Be grateful for 50kg and where you are right now and watch for definitions you giving yourself.

This is tough to get out of because you think like you serving yourself by hitting yourself in the head but no you just unnecesary give extra stress.

No matter how much you hate yourself or whatever you are still you  and you move accordignly.Or fall into victim mindset that just creates hell and self pity instead of seeing yourself as great the way you are because you know no outside definition is making me better(only if validation definse you because again you dont define yourself with self assesment,being grateful,seeing you are already great by itself) its just me adding to my greatness...

 

Edited April 2 by NoSelfSelf

[Princess Arabia]

20 hours ago, Ahbapx said:

Static self-acceptance is a myth.

A dynamic self-acceptance embraces holistic imperfection and dynamic self-improvement.

You don't want to be you as fixed, for eternity, you want to change, but you don't want to change too much.

 

Focus on holistic concepts ;

Perfect imperfection

Easy to understand I assume

Controlled Chaos

Be spontaneous but with a cautious mind to control

Chaotic Order

Plan but don't worship your plans as if they are facts

Pre-Determined Will

Understand your inclinations for good is pre-determined

Detached Attachment

Love, and chase things,  but don't cling if it is time to quit

 

You might think these are oxymoronic. That is far from the truth , you will understand if you think very deep into them.

Sounds like you just described what THIS is even though it's indescribable, if you know what I mean. I read it and it sounded so real and alive. 

[Inception]

You're struggling, but that's not a problem. It's a struggle. It's the hardest thing to do, but then again it's also the only thing to do. That's literally why we're here anyways. The point of our existence and the meaning of life. Ta-da!

It's not about having pity, but compassion.

Sure the world may be cruel and people will judge you, but that doesn't make love irrelevant, precisely the opposite; it makes it crucial.

Sure loving yourself does include acknowledging your limits (what we might call weaknesses), but so what? We're all limited.

Sure you can get hurt despite how you feel about yourself, so why not love yourself? It won't make it worse.

You're doing good, keep going.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7o9W2EK6PzI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5_DS89_lKU

[Ulax]

Mindfulness meditation plus metta can be useful for self acceptance imo.

[hyruga]

Read the 6 pillars of self esteem! 

Another book is how to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything.

You can also read books by Teal Swan on the shadow!

 

Edited April 3 by hyruga

[Ahbapx]

23 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Sounds like you just described what THIS is even though it's indescribable, if you know what I mean. I read it and it sounded so real and alive. 

Thank you although I am not sure what "THIS" is.

[Ishanga]

Don't read any Books, Don't take anyone's advice Okay!  Look at this logically and you'll see for yourself what is the reality and what is not!

This all comes down to wrong identification, most all of us are heavily identified (we include it as a part of ourselves, it is us, just like a finger or nose is) with our Intellect! Intellect is a survival tool, it allows You to compare (never compare yourself to others, never compare yourself with yourself, this is Ego), it gives you a basic intelligence that is centered around survival or accumulating more and more (this is Desire in Process, ultimately You want everything, to be Boundless, Totally Free, but because of strong identity with Mind and Body, both limited entities, you never can reach it via those two things, this causes you to suffer as you are, never satisfied, always comparing, etc), it functions off your memory and teachings you have picked up.. Intellect Divides and Separates, it dissects things so you can understand it better.

What Your doing is judging Your self (are there two of you within you or One?, there is One within You), comparing yourself and its based on things You picked up via your culture, like social status, wealth status, physicality status, things like this, and when You judge yourself its Egoic in nature, so accepting Yourself, Loving Yourself, Respecting Yourself all of this is Egoic in nature, Ego is false self based on Beliefs, Conditioning, and is there for us to function within a Social Atmosphere, not when you are alone and don't need it..

So don't Identify with Ego, with Intellect, with Conditioning and Culture, create a space btwn what is You and what is not You, then You'll be at Ease!

Edited April 3 by Ishanga

[k-ahmadzadeh]

Reading Schopenhauer helped me a lot. It hurts to be not good enough, but I often remind myself that the purpose of life was not to make me happy. In such a cruel world, everything can happen. So being able to contemplate on the life beyond my own survival interests in a theoretical manner, helped me lot. I am just a tiny, weak and extremely vulnerable being in this gigantic world and there is nothing to do about it. Everything is out of my control and it was supposed to be in this way.