How would one deal with a friend with BPD?

[Phoenix Garfield]

So, I've gotten myself into a pickle with a friend over the last year or so. I met her through my sister and we just kinda clicked right away. She is a single mother of two young children and has borderline personality disorder. She has it all: Abandonment issues, abusive childhood, traumatic early adulthood, daddy issues and a lot more. This wouldn't be a problem for me normally but well, it kinda is for me now. It's only just becoming clear abusive and unpredictable she is, whether she realizes it or not. She'll just faults and fights with me for the pettiest of things, justify nasty and snide comments she's made towards me when I've confronted her about how much it upset me, and accuse me of doing stuff that she's also done. For example, there was one time when were discussing various topics and the discussion of Islam came up. I mentioned that there was some very dodgy things I didn't like in the Quran and hadiths (without mentioning Muslims in particular or even condemning Islam as a whole, just literally some texts or verses), but she managed to twist it into a 20 minute rant about how I was being racist and that if I make any sort of comment like she'll never want me around her house ever again. Yeah, she likes to throw that in my face quite a lot too. And keep in mind as well, she has made comments and jokes that are actually racist, ones with the hard R n word.

Also yesterday, she was tried pulling up random shit to throw in my face again and got really mad when I guess I unintentionally done the grey rock method because I was literally too tired to care.

She's admitted to being manipulative lots of times, apparently for my own benefit. But thinking back on when just after first met, she was the one to me an aunty to her kids. I don't believe it was a way to make me feel welcome but as a way to bind me and make sure I don't go anywhere.

It's starting to be exhausting being her friend. Every time I leave hers to go back home I feel slightly relieved, but yet too tired to really feel it fully. I feel stuck. I don't wanna just ditch the friendship and call it a day, because I genuinely love her as a friend, we do have our good and gentle times and I want her to get the help SHE FUCKING DESPERRATLEY NEEDS, but she is one stubborn mule that keeps putting off getting help and honestly, the entire friendship feels like I'm walking on eggshells.

I don't know what to do.

I suppose this is the best place to ask, I could do with some no nonsense and no bullshit advice.

Thank you for reading and for your time.

[ted73104]

This is a hard question, I had to cut ties with close friends when I was trying to move forward in life. Your friend here, she is likely to project her problems onto everyone else. Only thing you could probably do is to be with her and give her some emotional support. However you have to know you can't really help change her situation and you should create boundaries with her. Obviously you do care about her but if she's not willing to change, then how much time are you willing to spend in a ditch with her?

[Ulax]

@Phoenix Garfield

9 hours ago, Phoenix Garfield said:

. It's only just becoming clear abusive and unpredictable she is, whether she realizes it or not.

From this line alone, I'd say cut her off and go no contact.

Also, imo, understand there are good parts to most abusive relationships. 

[Yimpa]

As someone who has abused and hurt many people in my past, what’s really grown me the most is when people closest to me had the courage to leave me.

I had no choice but to change after being rejected time after time with my abusive behavior repeating itself. The pain was simply overwhelming.

Keep in mind that I don’t have BPD, so I don’t know how she would react to you leaving. But from my own experience, leaving a dear friend of mine with BPD also grew her the most. I left her because I finally knew what it felt like to be abused by someone else. This was the first time I personally experienced deep abuse as an adult.

Edited April 1, 2024 by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

Here is some additional pointers with the help of Claude 3 Opus:

Quote

I would emphasize that you are not responsible for your friend's reaction to you setting necessary boundaries to protect yourself. She may lash out, try to manipulate you, or accuse you of abandonment - these are common fear responses in BPD. But you are not causing her distress; her distress is the natural consequence of her own hurtful actions. Staying and absorbing further mistreatment will not heal her wounds or yours.

You can have compassion for her struggles while still prioritizing your own safety and well-being. Leaving room for her to take accountability and seek help is actually an act of love, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. And by breaking the cycle now, you lessen the chance of repeating toxic patterns in your future relationships. Healing is hard, messy work but you are so worth it. Be gentle with yourself as you take these brave steps.

 

[Osaid]

Sounds like vulnerable/covert NPD. Research vulnerable/covert NPD.

BPD is often comorbid with NPD. The line between the two is quite thin actually, but I digress.

If they fit vulnerable/covert NPD very well and you suspect them to have it, then the relationship is probably not salvageable since they are probably purposefully abusing you.

Diagnoses aside, listen to how you feel and think above all else. You don't need to know what their diagnostics are to know whether you should stay or not. Do you feel constant anxiety around them? Do they gaslight? Do they manipulate? Do they instill a false hope that they will change or get better, only to contradict that sentiment time and time again? Do you want to experience all of those things for a significant period of your life time? 

I have to say though, everything you described is textbook covert narcissism. I am 100% convinced they have covert NPD.

Edited April 1, 2024 by Osaid

[Phoenix Garfield]

Thank you everyone for your responses. They haven't gone unnoticed.

However, I've got a sniggling feeling none of this with friend will end amicably. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she grows and changes.

[Whitney Edwards]

Sounds like covert npd rather than bpd. Anyway it's a toxic relationship. And you should get out of it for your own good. Cut off that person. 

[Yimpa]

On 4/2/2024 at 1:27 PM, Phoenix Garfield said:

Thank you everyone for your responses. They haven't gone unnoticed.

However, I've got a sniggling feeling none of this with friend will end amicably. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she grows and changes.

No problem.

Yes, wish her the best, but it is out of your control if and how she will grow. In the short-term this uncertainty it won’t feel good, but I can assure you in the long-run it’ll be worth it. Your heart is in the right place.

[Yimpa]

15 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Anyway it's a toxic relationship. And you should get out of it for your own good. Cut off that person. 

A true act of Love.

Edited April 4, 2024 by Yimpa

[Whitney Edwards]

19 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

A true act of Love.

Act of love would be being with them and transforming them. But ain't nobody got time for that!! 

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Act of love would be being with them and transforming them. But ain't nobody got time for that!! 

You can’t be with someone who is extremely self-centered. They control you.

[Whitney Edwards]

32 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

You can’t be with someone who is extremely self-centered. They control you.

I have been around such people. It's not a big deal. I have dealt with narcissists. We can't expect people to be perfect. Of course if a relationship is deeply abusive, one must leave immediately. Yet there's always a chance to be too hypersensitive to petty behaviors that can be easily changed with some psychotherapy. Like I said nobody is perfect. There's some good and there's some bad in literally everyone. One has to work out things than just dumping people. Communication is key. If something is wrong and brought to a person's attention and they promise they would change, wait for things to get better, if they deny it and don't show signs of remorse or cooperation, then leave them. This is very conditional and subjective. Let the good shine. And let the person work on their flaws. All of this is subject to the amount of time and effort you want to commit to that person, if you're doing well on your own, this won't be hard, yet if you're suffering and struggling, it's best to not invest any further into wanting compromises. It depends on your personal resilience with people. 

[Whitney Edwards]

42 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

You can’t be with someone who is extremely self-centered. They control you.

What I meant is that if you serially start cutting out people from your life even for the slightest errors, it will make you even a bigger narcissist than the garden variety narcissists that you complain about. You're basically sheep-ing people to your needs that way. You run the risk of developing a potent ego. Have a balance.