HELP, I'm in love with two boys !!!

[Asia P]

i'm 18 yo and i ve been with my boyfriend (that we 'll call x) for 5 years, and I love him incredibly, I want to spend my entire life with him, living and traveling with him always forever. And he wants this too. We're just like brother and sister, best friends and spouses at the same time, and we also have a very good communication, and very good sex, we're both satisfied to one another. 

i met a guy on internet (that we'll call y) thanks to this community, and all started bc he wanted me to flirt with me also if I was already with x, at the beginning I didn't want to flirt with him but I wanted him to be my friend, because I will love to have friends who knows Leo and I also found him very interesting. So I continued to text him for a week. When me and y started to do video calls, I immediately realized that I love this boy a lot, and I want to meet him, I felt a deep connection looking y in his eyes. Y feels the same about me and he wants to meet me asap. (i'm not sure about having sex with y but I love him in a romantic way for sure, he wants me also sexually) 

Now x knows everything about my feelings for y, and x wants me to be free to do whatever I want. I want to spend my life loving x, but I want to meet y and have good times with him, because I miss him a lot. I would like to do both, because i'm sure that I can love both of them in different ways. x also told me that if I want we can be in an "hippie" and free relationship: this means that we will live together in the same home for the rest of our lives in a romantic and also sexual relation, but being free to do experiences outside of the relationship. (by the way I will be ready to have a free relationship with x, but I'm not sure if he is being serious about this, and I'm quite afraid to broke up with x, if he doesn't want me anymore after my possible experiences with y)

What do you think of this situation? I'd like to receive advices, bc I want to be free in this life and expose myself to lot of experiences, but I don't want to ruin my current wonderful relationship with x. 

Thanks thanks thanks

Edited March 31 by Asia P

[mr_engineer]

Who reminds you more of your father? X or Y? And, in which ways? 

Once you figure this out, look at analogous patterns in your childhood relationship with your father. Then, make up your mind as to whether you want to keep the pattern or discard it! And, get help from the guy who's involved in that pattern in the present-day, do this work on your relationship. 

At age 18, who you choose is less important. What's more important, is for you to understand what 'family' means to you, and to construct that kind of relationship. Whoever fits into that definition of 'family' can stay in your life. 

[Asia P]

@mr_engineer the problem is that I want both, why I can't be free to love two instead of one? 

btw if I have to choose I'll choose x immediately, but x is also my confort zone, and make a choice will make me in part unhappy of course bc I'm also in love with y and I want him to be my friend. (I don't see a future together with y, also bc he is very far from me)

I want to be free, and my ideal choice will be to deal with both of them, not with just x. The point is, is this a crazy idea? am in being just a fool?

Edited March 31 by Asia P

[thierry]

23 minutes ago, Asia P said:

i'm 18 yo and i ve been with my boyfriend (that we 'll call x) for 5 years, and I love him incredibly, I want to spend my entire life with him, living and traveling with him always forever. And he wants this too. We're just like brother and sister, best friends and spouses at the same time, and we also have a very good communication, and very good sex, we're both satisfied to one another. 

i met a guy on internet (that we'll call y) thanks to this community, and all started bc he wanted me to flirt with me also if I was already with x, at the beginning I didn't want to flirt with him but I wanted him to be my friend, because I will love to have friends who knows Leo and I also found him very interesting. So I continued to text him for a week. When me and y started to do video calls, I immediately realized that I love this boy a lot, and I want to meet him, I felt a deep connection looking y in his eyes. Y feels the same about me and he wants to meet me asap. (i'm not sure about having sex with y but I love him in a romantic way for sure, he wants me also sexually) 

Now x knows everything about my feelings for y, and x wants me to be free to do whatever I want. I want to spend my life loving x, but I want to meet y and have good times with him, because I miss him a lot. I would like to do both, because i'm sure that I can love both of them in different ways. x also told me that if I want we can be in an "hippie" and free relationship: this means that we will live together in the same home for the rest of our lives in a romantic and also sexual relation, but being free to do experiences outside of the relationship. (by the way I will be ready to have a free relationship with x, but I'm not sure if he is being serious about this, and I'm quite afraid to broke up with x, if he doesn't want me anymore after my possible experiences with y)

What do you think of this situation? I'd like to receive advices, bc I want to be free in this life and expose myself to lot of experiences, but I don't want to ruin my current wonderful relationship with x. 

Thanks 

 

some people have a brain wired to really love several people. Try it if you want to find out how it goes for you. Just keep being honest with x y and yourself.

[Schizophonia]

What is this topic really for?
You will resolve this situation on your own.

[Asia P]

@Schizophonia im looking for help, im confused, and write here helps me to reorganize thoughts, and I also can find useful others ideas and advices if they have.

Edited March 31 by Asia P

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Asia P said:

@Schizophonia im looking for help

I say that because the underlying reason is that the situation is tendentious, that you are afraid of destroying a relationship or something like that.
This post is a denial, you already know all the possible outcomes and they are likely to be frustrating.
 

Edited March 31 by Schizophonia

[mr_engineer]

11 minutes ago, Asia P said:

the problem is that I want both, why I can't be free to love two instead of one? 

In theory, there is no reason you can't be free to love two. 

In practice, though, a relationship involves more than just sex. It's an attachment-relationship. And, compatible attachment-figures are few and far between. They're not replaceable. That's why I stand for monogamy. 

I'm biased towards monogamy. If polyamory is something you authentically want, then I'm the wrong person to ask. I just think that the 'monogamy vs polyamory' question is too heavy for an 18-year-old, so I'd suggest trying to make monogamy work until you're 25. Then, if you still feel called towards polyamory, by all means, go for it! 

13 minutes ago, Asia P said:

btw if I have to choose I'll choose x immediately, but x is also my confort zone, and make a choice will make me in part unhappy of course bc I'm also in love with y and I want him to be my friend. (I don't see a future together with y, also bc he is very far from me)

In that case, don't break up with X. 

Now, if you're attracted to other men, this means that X is not doing it for you, he's unable to give you what you want. So, I'd suggest you voice this to X and improve your relationship with him. 

18 minutes ago, Asia P said:

I want to be free, and my ideal choice will be to deal with both of them, not with just x. The point is, is this a crazy idea? am in being just a fool?

Whose baby would you want to have? That's a good question to ask yourself, when you choose! It will also show you the pitfalls of polyamory and why monogamy is so popular. 

[Asia P]

3 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

Whose baby would you want to have? That's a good question to ask yourself, when you choose! It will also show you the pitfalls of polyamory and why monogamy is so popular. 

I don't want children now, but in the past I liked the idea of having a baby with x in our future. I want to build a life with x, but im still obsessed by y, I want to meet him and love him anyway.

[mr_engineer]

Do you see yourself having a baby with Y? Is it a possibility? 

Edited March 31 by mr_engineer

[Asia P]

@mr_engineer no I don't want at all children with y

Edited March 31 by Asia P

[mr_engineer]

Just now, Asia P said:

@mr_engineer no I don't want at all

In that case, consider the possibility that your hormones are going wild when you meet other attractive men, because you're a teenager. When you cross 20, you will not regret not breaking up with X/going on some wild goose chase for someone you haven't met in person. 

[TheGod]

57 minutes ago, Asia P said:

i'm 18 yo and i ve been with my boyfriend (that we 'll call x) for 5 years, and I love him incredibly, I want to spend my entire life with him, living and traveling with him always forever. And he wants this too. We're just like brother and sister, best friends and spouses at the same time, and we also have a very good communication, and very good sex, we're both satisfied to one another. 

i met a guy on internet (that we'll call y) thanks to this community, and all started bc he wanted me to flirt with me also if I was already with x, at the beginning I didn't want to flirt with him but I wanted him to be my friend, because I will love to have friends who knows Leo and I also found him very interesting. So I continued to text him for a week. When me and y started to do video calls, I immediately realized that I love this boy a lot, and I want to meet him, I felt a deep connection looking y in his eyes. Y feels the same about me and he wants to meet me asap. (i'm not sure about having sex with y but I love him in a romantic way for sure, he wants me also sexually) 

Now x knows everything about my feelings for y, and x wants me to be free to do whatever I want. I want to spend my life loving x, but I want to meet y and have good times with him, because I miss him a lot. I would like to do both, because i'm sure that I can love both of them in different ways. x also told me that if I want we can be in an "hippie" and free relationship: this means that we will live together in the same home for the rest of our lives in a romantic and also sexual relation, but being free to do experiences outside of the relationship. (by the way I will be ready to have a free relationship with x, but I'm not sure if he is being serious about this, and I'm quite afraid to broke up with x, if he doesn't want me anymore after my possible experiences with y)

What do you think of this situation? I'd like to receive advices, bc I want to be free in this life and expose myself to lot of experiences, but I don't want to ruin my current wonderful relationship with x. 

Thanks thanks thanks

I don't see any problems here. Just date 2 guys. As long as both of them are fine with it there is no problem. Also, would you mind them having 2 girlfriends each? 

[Asia P]

@mr_engineer the point is that I don't want to break with x at all. But I still want to meet y, and be at least friends. its a risk that I have to take or not. btw thanks for all the advices ♡♡♡ 

[Asia P]

@TheGod for y  I don't care about him having other girls. With x maybe I wil be a little bit sad, but I will accept this if this makes him happy. The problem comes if x breaks up with me for this experience that im making with y.

[Princess Arabia]

This is not something to resolve at this age. Like @Schizophoniasaid, this will resolve on it's own. It's merely experimentation and fantasies at this point. Not diminishing you, but you're way too young to even know what you want in a man much less two. You're not being foolish because the opposite would be wise and you are incapable of making any wise decision about relationships at this age. Allow it to play itself out. I promise, at a later stage and age, you will look back and ask, what was I thinking. Not that there's anything wrong with having two if all involved are open to it, but you are fling it from a place of curiosity and unsurety plus immaturity in regards to dating, which is natural at your age. 

[Rishabh R]

@Asia P I also remember that in my school days I used to love a girl and got my heart broken . But now I now I no longer love her. Also I realised that I didn't love her back then. It was just infatuation and I took the right decision to move from one sided love. Your situation is different but I don't think that you must leave a 5 year relationship for just another guy whom you met online cuz your relationship is bound to grow and it is already growing since 5 years which is a good thing. Thank you.

[jimwell]

On 4/1/2024 at 4:23 AM, Asia P said:

Now x knows everything about my feelings for y, and x wants me to be free to do whatever I want.

It's either X doesn't really love you, he truly loves you (almost unconditionally), or he's intelligent and honest enough to acknowledge that both you and he have polygamous tendencies. If it's a combination, I hope it's 2 and 3. 

 

On 4/1/2024 at 4:23 AM, Asia P said:

x also told me that if I want we can be in an "hippie" and free relationship: this means that we will live together in the same home for the rest of our lives in a romantic and also sexual relation, but being free to do experiences outside of the relationship. (by the way I will be ready to have a free relationship with x, but I'm not sure if he is being serious about this, and I'm quite afraid to broke up with x, if he doesn't want me anymore after my possible experiences with y)

That's how a relationship should be; loving but not possessive and suffocating. You're lucky to be in that relationship. 

The biggest advice is to be GENUINE with yourself. If you want to romantically enjoy x and y, just go for it. There's nothing wrong with it, especially because x has already informed you he is okay with it. If x ends the relationships, then that signifies that he doesn't walk his talk, and you should reassess whether he is worth your time and love. 

But you also need to remember that you're only 18.  It's not good to take any romantic relationship too seriously at that age. Enjoy the romantic experiences but don't take them too seriously. You're only 18, girl. 

[jimwell]

Is that you @Asia P? 

Regardless, break all the rules, girl. 

[mmKay]

@Asia P do It.

I was skeptical of the idea at the beginning but I've met a few girls that told me LITERALLY the exact same story you are sharing .

Apparently some brains are wired to be less jealous ( or they managed to mentally rewire their jealously and not get triggered by it) and open for polyamourousness.

I thought that once you start having sex with different people the relationship will crumble but apparently these people are so above the  baseline emotional intelligence that they can really handle it

You've also hit the jackpot with your X guy. If he's willing to open the relationship up, you're free to explore.

You will meet more Y's later in your life

Usually an open relationship has to be an expectation you set from the very beginning. Because if you start exclusive and later you  want to go non-exclusive, there is a perception of " losing the exclusiveness". You don't have this perception of losing anything if you start with the expectation of polyamourousness

Your communication with X seems to be very good and he seems to be open and serious about the idea. This can definitely work, at least short to mid term, if your emotional intelligence is high, and he sees your joy and pleasure as his joy and pleasure and vice versa. This is the way one of the girls explained her open relationship to me. They would come back from their other partners excited to share every that happened and they enjoyed. Pretty remarkable relationship and emotional skills.

 

Men are more open to the idea of open relationships overall because it benefits their reproductive biological reproductive strategy of impregnating as many women as possible

 

Also you are extremely young and inexperienced. You have a very long time to experiment around. And the best time is likely now.