LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

Will I make this into a habit? Don't know never really bothered ever writing about my life so we'll see. 

25, Lost and feel I've been lost my entire life. Around me every symbol of success and a life many would kill for. Adopted at 5 years old by the most loving and caring mother imaginable and accepted into a loving and caring extended family. Grew up travelling and living in exotic places and studying in elite private schools. After school spent 1000s of hours reading hundreds of books, watching 1000s of documentaries, listening to hundreds of podcasts on any and all topic imaginable. Society, psychology, philosophy, religion, history, science, cultures etc etc. Most people will never reach the levels of understanding of reality I've reached at 25 in their entire lives. Always I've been interested in understanding truth, what is this reality REALLY. Now at 25 I've moved and live in my dream country (New Zealand), working on a meaningful relatively well paid job in nature conservation, live in a big shared house next to the beach with lovely roomates, have a nice car.

Yet I'm miserable. My life feels empty and always has. There is no love, no connection with others (I'm very introverted and have always struggled with human relationships), every day feels like I'm just going through the motions of existing. Nothing gives me wonder. There are things I could be doing to make my life better (learning dating skills, learning to stand up for myself, love myself, believe in my own self worth) but I'm tired. I don't want to keep trying right now (aware of how my thoughts and words create a reality in which I'm not improving myself). It will be up to me to change and better myself when and if I choose. Doesn't mean I haven't tried and succeeded and I know that if I keep trying I can achieve and improve anything and any part of my life that's lacking. I'm just not motivated to do so (yes, another excuse).

Don't know how, or why I keep going. Some point I will do 5 meo dmt. This is what keeps me going. The thought that maybe, just maybe this can help respark wonder and love in my life. Yet everyone keeps telling to be prepared for when it dissapoints me. "Everyone" are just people who never bothered to study or try psychedelics in their lives and probably never will. The've just heard all of the horror stories and the narrative of "don't do drugs". 

If 5 meo or other psychedelics don't help I'll end it all. I can't take my existence anymore. I'm very much aware of how my thoughts build my reality so no feeling sorry for myself and the thoughts I'm having.

Edited March 31 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

I'm not in a sane state of mind. How presumptuous of me to say these things. Yet this is my current reality and state of mind. 

[LoneWonderer]

I can't intellectualized myself out of the work that needs to be done to live a great life. I just have to f***ing do it. So why don't I. What fears hold me back. Why do I know what I need to do and don't do it? Why don't I face my fears? It's feels sometimes like a big joke. 😂

[LoneWonderer]

Going for a walk this morning and talking with a friend on the phone so that makes me happy. Walking withough distractions brings me peace and helps me think of my future actions. Soon I'll start to run again after a year of putting it to one side to focus on career. Looking fowards to running those 60km+ a week.

[LoneWonderer]

Something really off-putting about feeling sorry for myself. Make a change get the ball rolling.

Edited April 1 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

I'm on a Journey of kindness, love. Become that which you want be.

[LoneWonderer]

I'm not a victim of circumstances. Channel all the blessings in your life to help and uplift others.

Edited April 4 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

I know you're afraid of the responsability that's laid upon you but what's the alternative? Go back to a meagre existing? No, I will try and I won't quit becase quitting is easy but seeing how far you can take this thing and live a scary but meaningful life is WORTH IT. If I end up failing I know I really tried my best. I'm not unworthy no matter what happens.

[LoneWonderer]

Breathe, you're going to be ok. Even when it's not ok I love you. You deserve to exist. You are worthy no matter what. Keep trying, keep giving your best. Anger and frustration, meditate on it. 

I am stressed. Breathe. I am ok. I am ok.

[LoneWonderer]

Direct your mind towards your highest goals and desires and they shall happen. Focused energy towards a particular goal will always get you there.

[LoneWonderer]

Life puts difficulties upon us to test our resilience, cunningness and willingness to get what we each want. I willingly take on the challenge.

[LoneWonderer]

When I'm overwhelmed, when my mind is racing and responsabilities weight heavy I stop and listen to the ocean otside my window. All will be ok. It's all a game I willingly choose to play.

[LoneWonderer]

Two of my favourite song lines/Mantras:

I believe in angels, something good in everything I see - ABBA 

Till I collapse - Eminem 

Edited May 2 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

Lone Wonderer is the name. I travel mental plains seeking what I seek. Shit, what I seek is myself. Everything else is just a distraction jajaja.

Edited October 25 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

I will win. Because I can't stand the alternative any longer. Meager existense, comfortable, yet killing me slowly from purposelessness. I have failed in the past but this doesn't reflect the present. Today is a brand new day. I am not defined by my past failings. I am not my failures. I will succeed.

[LoneWonderer]

The goals are shallow but they are my goals. When I thought this is want I wanted to do it's like a fire of passion arose in me. A sense of Yes, of course! You must try again! This made you happy back then so do it! Give it everything you have! The masculine energy, the spirit of competition, a vent for all the anger and frustration. It's one of those thoughts you'll remember for the rest of your life. It's one of those rare moments when you see the path so clear before you where before there was none.

 

And I will dedicated my life to it. There is only the goal. When I'm on my deathbed I know I'd tried and I'd given everything to make it happen. I didn't waste the rest of my life sleepwalking through life. On my deathbed I'll be proud that I'd REALLY tried.

Edited November 3 by LoneWonderer

[LoneWonderer]

I am the Lone Wonderer if you must know...

[LoneWonderer]

It's out of your control. Respect her decision and accept the outcome whatever it may be.